Two years ago, in the evening hours of Feb. 14, I was in the grocery store picking up some egg whites, low-cal bagels, fake butter, 2-percent milk and fruit, and all the while cursing the really-in-shape woman ahead of me who had a basket full of steak, pasta, beer and some greasy chicken fingers. Passing the greeting-card aisle, I found a truly sad sight.
Five men stood in front of what was left of the Valentine’s Day card section, desperately trying to find something that didn’t look like a leftover card. There were none. It was the aisle of the doomed.
The following year, I made the trip on purpose to see if history was going to repeat itself.
Valentine’s Day is two weeks away. Guys, go now and save yourself the heartache and months of abstinence that lie ahead if you screw this up — again. Enough said.
Let me point something out. Valentine’s Day is the day to celebrate your love and commitment to each other, now and forever. OK, that’s true, but take note: The playing field is anything but even.
First thoughts when you hear the words Valentine’s Day: flowers, bracelet, ring, ticket to a play or monster truck race (we’re talking Detective Sandy here), spa gift certificate, autographed photo of Vince Vaughn, driving around Forsyth County (Sandy again) or just going to a nice dinner at a place of her choosing.
Her choosing! Don’t even pretend it’s a choice agreed on by both because I know darn well that business is slow on Valentine’s Day at Hooters.
Are you going to the Valentine’s Day sale at Lowe’s this year? No? Why? Because there isn’t one!!!
Guys, how many times have you received a delivery at work on Valentine’s Day and exclaimed: “Are you kidding? A 69-piece Stanley 92-824 Black Chrome and Laser-Etched Socket Set? How romantic!”
Stop it! I don’t want to hear any lame cheap shots about how unromantic I am. Detective Sandy and I have been happily married for 13 years and we celebrate every Valentine’s Day the same way. We start the evening off at J.W. Whitlock’s Mess-O-Grits Diner up near Nelson and then — well, let’s just say that I end up wearing a tool belt and a Vince Vaughn mask.
Guys, man up! Unite! Grab the Home Depot ad from the Sunday paper and start leaving hints. Don’t forget. Not every woman cares what an 18-volt impact driver is so…gift cards are good.
Remember, though, in this year of politically correct everything, don’t demand. Instead, leave hints — as well as various hardware pamphlets.
Just don’t push it too far because you don’t want to hurt the feelings of anyone — namely your wife, girlfriend, significant other or any other category not listed here. We may have come a long way, but don’t forget women still rule the world.