Off-duty: Guys, mess up Valentine’s Day at your own peril

Two years ago, in the evening hours of Feb. 14, I was in the grocery store picking up some egg whites, low-cal bagels, fake butter, 2-percent milk and fruit, and all the while cursing the really-in-shape woman ahead of me who had a basket full of steak, pasta, beer and some greasy chicken fingers. Passing the greeting-card aisle, I found a truly sad sight.

Five men stood in front of what was left of the Valentine’s Day card section, desperately trying to find something that didn’t look like a leftover card. There were none. It was the aisle of the doomed.

The following year, I made the trip on purpose to see if history was going to repeat itself.

It did.

Valentine’s Day is two weeks away. Guys, go now and save yourself the heartache and months of abstinence that lie ahead if you screw this up — again. Enough said.

Remember, it’s not designed to be fair

Let me point something out. Valentine’s Day is the day to celebrate your love and commitment to each other, now and forever. OK, that’s true, but take note: The playing field is anything but even.

First thoughts when you hear the words Valentine’s Day: flowers, bracelet, ring, ticket to a play or monster truck race (we’re talking Detective Sandy here), spa gift certificate, autographed photo of Vince Vaughn, driving around Forsyth County (Sandy again) or just going to a nice dinner at a place of her choosing.

Her choosing! Don’t even pretend it’s a choice agreed on by both because I know darn well that business is slow on Valentine’s Day at Hooters.

Are you going to the Valentine’s Day sale at Lowe’s this year? No? Why? Because there isn’t one!!!

Guys, how many times have you received a delivery at work on Valentine’s Day and exclaimed: “Are you kidding? A 69-piece Stanley 92-824 Black Chrome and Laser-Etched Socket Set? How romantic!”

Stop it! I don’t want to hear any lame cheap shots about how unromantic I am. Detective Sandy and I have been happily married for 13 years and we celebrate every Valentine’s Day the same way. We start the evening off at J.W. Whitlock’s Mess-O-Grits Diner up near Nelson and then — well, let’s just say that I end up wearing a tool belt and a Vince Vaughn mask.

Guys, man up! Unite! Grab the Home Depot ad from the Sunday paper and start leaving hints. Don’t forget. Not every woman cares what an 18-volt impact driver is so…gift cards are good.

Remember, though, in this year of politically correct everything, don’t demand. Instead, leave hints — as well as various hardware pamphlets.

Just don’t push it too far because you don’t want to hurt the feelings of anyone — namely your wife, girlfriend, significant other or any other category not listed here. We may have come a long way, but don’t forget women still rule the world.

23 comments Add your comment

Janet Grimmette

January 31st, 2011
10:03 pm

OMG this is so funny.

Lt. Steve

January 31st, 2011
10:33 pm

Well bless your heart Janet! Someone has to be the first. Saves me from having to say all those nice things about my from all those alias blogger names! Stay safe.

Danny

February 1st, 2011
12:25 am

It is not only Valentine’s Day!! It is all year around and even if you do not have a significant other. Women get to choose all the time. I told this female one time, there shouldn’t be a day that a women should ever go hungry! All they have to do is go on a date and if she is a bomb shell, she will never need for anything! As for us guys, if we are flat broke, we are just that! Ramen Noodles, PB & J sandwiches plus we can’t even go on the field and play since we can’t afford a meal for ourselves, you might as well scratch paying for hers!

KJill

February 1st, 2011
1:13 am

That’s right Officer Steve and thank you for getting these men on track early this year!! Mess-O-Grits Diner???? Yum, yum, I think … Still funny after all these years – how are we to seriously watch and listen to you with a straight face when you’re on TV discussing serious police stuff after reading all the crazy stuff you write?

destin dawg

February 1st, 2011
6:09 am

I really got screwed !!!!! she said she wanted to get married on Feb. 13…. because 13 is our lucky # right ?? Wrong.. Now she wants 2 presents on both days !!!!!! they should have the Super Bowl on Feb 14th.. so men would have something to look forward to !!!

Valentine's Baby

February 1st, 2011
6:49 am

I get a pass: February 14th is my birthday and it trumps Valentine’s Day! Many a February 14th, I’ve been sitting in a nice restaurant, with reservations made by my wife, and watched a stream of poor schmucks shuffle up to the maître d’, only to shuffle back out the door with their head hanging.
The only problem is I feel a little cheap when my wife picks up the tab.

Great Stuff!!

February 1st, 2011
7:46 am

When my wife was alive, I forgot Valentines Day once.

.

.

Once.

And everyone knows that Detective Sandy is a multiple-alias troll on the AJC blogs. Nobody is fooled. And just for being a jerk, both you and her gets to read what’s nest: a writing instructor’s grade of your untimely Valentine piece. I mean, it’s two weeks away. Groundhog day is closer. How could you insult a marmot like that? It’s just this kind of total lack of respect for our leaders and institutions that has led to the global mess we’re in, pal.

I liked the tool belt and vinve vaughn mask reference.

“Let me point something out. Valentine’s Day is the day to celebrate your love and commitment to each other, now and forever. OK, that’s true, but take note: The playing field is anything but even.”

The readers already know this. You interrupt the fun with blah blah. Y?

Aw, u know what? This thing is such a mess that I’m not going to waste my time with it. There are bigger idiots to fry. See you all at Barr’s.

C+

Cop Supporter

February 1st, 2011
8:17 am

This is too funny…love your blog Lt. Steve

Dan DeMan

February 1st, 2011
8:22 am

I make my own Valentine’s card. With crayons and scissors. Guaranteed to make her all gooshy and romantic and crap. Then I make her a nice dinner, and let her hold the TV clicker for an hour. Then we go back to focusing on me. As it should be.
Guys, one warning. Do not buy your old lady anything that plugs in. Appliances, tools, electronic devices of any kind. You will be sleeping next to an icecream sammich shortly thereafter. Unless you’re Lt. Steve, he’s got a weird one, there.

Jean H

February 1st, 2011
12:00 pm

Valentine’s day should be about each half of the couple showing the other they care.It should be about remembering what you love about each other- not one going broke over the other. I am not in a relationship and haven’t been ever but I know that I would not ask that someone break their bank over me and I would want to give some sort of momento to my partner.

Melinda

February 1st, 2011
6:54 pm

I guess my husband is lucky, I have always seen Valentine’s Day as a was for Hallmark to make money. I would rather that he shows he cares all year instead of just one day.

Side Note: Monster Trucks will be at the Georgia Dome Feb 12th, did you get Det Sandy tickets? lol

Walter Little

February 1st, 2011
9:15 pm

Very well said! I’ve been married for five years and I try not to show my love just on Valentine’s Day, but year around! You’ve made me – and I’m sure others too – curious. Would you consider doing a blog where you can post a picture of you and Detective Sandy together?

Stay safe out there!

Lori

February 2nd, 2011
9:54 am

We don’t really get into the Valentine’s thing at my house. I don’t expect gifts or cards. I’m happy if I get a peck on the lips and a “Happy Valentine’s Day, Sweetheart” from my husband just to acknowledge that it is Feb. 14th and he didn’t forget!! Other than that, I don’t really care.

Stacerella

February 3rd, 2011
10:28 am

Or, better yet, go early and buy a few cards this year, and give them to your sweetie randomly throughout the year when she least expects it but you notice she really needs it. You will be fighting her off of you the other 364 days of the year. Don’t stick to one Hallmark holiday, boys!

Becky

February 3rd, 2011
2:53 pm

Too funny..My husband has been at Daytona for Valentines Day for all 17 years of our marriage..I sent him a dozen roses once with a silk one mixed in and put on the card that I would love him until the last flower died..He never noticed that one was silk…He of course buys me chocolate every year..The only thing about that is that I don’t eat chocolate..:~)

Hoofty

February 3rd, 2011
2:55 pm

“Baby, every day is Valentine’s Day with you”

Win!

(Haven’t bought her a card in 5 years)

Hallmark Cards Is We

February 4th, 2011
7:23 am

Thanks, Fools! We’re currently working up another day to separate you from your money.

Hmmmm

February 5th, 2011
12:36 am

Well, I think Det. Sandy has done one fine job polishing you into a real gem!

Cheers 2 men who get it

February 5th, 2011
12:41 am

@Hallmark Cards: You’re a real winner. Bet yours is fakin’ it

s

February 5th, 2011
1:44 am

I don’t care if we go out fancy or cheap. Just so long as I don’t have to cook.

Old School

February 5th, 2011
8:26 am

I get a card from him. He gets a heart-shaped meatloaf and homemade butterscotch oatmeal cookies from me. Our 40th anniversary is approaching in March (Pi Day) and we’ll probably celebrate that with the purchase of a new bandsaw (my idea and I’m over the moon excited!)

To each his/her own!

Hallmark Cards Is We

February 5th, 2011
12:26 pm

@Cheers – Thanks. Those two men – do they both know they’re getting it, or is it a threesome thing?

anaiis

February 7th, 2011
10:25 am

I am from France,must say that I never knew that valentine cards ever existed!!!