Off-duty at Thanksgiving: Guilt just gets in way of the gravy

We are on the threshold of another Thanksgiving holiday. Once again it’s diet-be-damned as we dive into the depths of too much food and the various ways we rationalize it before, during and after the feast.

The most common is the “Starting Tomorrow” speech as one piles the dressing on top of the mashed potatoes that are piled on the other kind of dressing that rests on the 16 slices of turkey.

“Tomorrow I’ll be getting back to my diet of six calories a day, along with 16 hours of non-stop exercise.”

We’re never actually starting the diet and rigorous exercise program after Thanksgiving but rather continuing the workout that would easily train us for any upcoming decathlon. Everyone nods in false agreement that makes the person feel better.

“I’ll just eat small portions.”

This one is followed by six trips of small portions — the last two trips hopefully unseen.

Another favorite is the person who proclaims a pre-Thanksgiving fasting ritual: “I haven’t eaten in six months just so I wouldn’t feel guilty today.”

Usually this one doesn’t even get a courtesy nod from the other family members. They recall this was the same approach made last year.

The fact is, just throw in the towel and pig out. You’ll live. Stash the guilt until next week. There’s nothing worse than losing your concentration of your oyster dressing over thoughts of guilt that you’re falling off the diet wagon. We’re all falling off the wagon on Thanksgiving. Those who don’t have mental issues!

See? We’re already better than them. Grab a turkey leg and eat it like the Vikings did when they sailed here from Plymouth, Sweden. (Thank goodness they did, otherwise we’d have no Thursday football.)

The origin of Thanksgiving

Do we ever stop between the possum dressing and the giblets to think back on how all this came about?

Put down your second helping of cranberry surprise and whatever that was your Aunt Bernice brought that is supposed to be sweet-potato pie though it looks slightly purple.

Led by men such as William “Punky” Brewster and Keith Richards, the Pilgrims arrived in New England in November of 1620. Unfortunately, the harsh winter and lack of cable took the lives of more than half of the Pilgrim population. The survivors prevailed in part because of the assistance of the local Indians and a guy named Tom.

To celebrate their survival and new-found friends, the Pilgrims held a three-day feast in December of 1621. Three days! And if you look at the paintings, there were very few fat Indians. They ate like pigs for three days but soon after returned to normal eating habits and twice-weekly aerobics classes.

We’ve already knocked two days from the celebration so what’s to feel guilty about?

Look, I’m giving you a pass on the guilt. I’m not worried and neither should you. Relax, eat, burp and whatever as you slide into that tryptophan-induced nap afterward.

Be one with the turkey. Happy Thanksgiving!

– by Steve Rose, View from the Cop blog

15 comments Add your comment

Biteme

November 23rd, 2010
4:27 pm

LOL! Good one, Steve – Love the comment on Keith Richards :)

English Teacher

November 23rd, 2010
7:12 pm

Funny, funny stuff(ing). It gives new meaning to the phrase, “celebrity roast”. It would be hard to throw a pie at this one.

Historically, Thanksgiving commemorates the first time the Pilgrims tricked the Indians into accepting small pox blankets. I mean, how many times are the Indians going to fall for that one? Geez. Remember the time they took costume jewelry for the Isle of Manhatten. What a bunch of maroons.

Honestly.

Cop Supporter

November 24th, 2010
10:10 am

LOL..great post Lt. Steve…Hope you and Det. Sandy have a great Thanksgiving

Sandra V

November 24th, 2010
10:42 am

Very funny, Steve. Love reading your blogs. I wish you and your family the best of everything this Thanksgiving!
Blessings to all!

sammiega

November 24th, 2010
10:49 am

Atlanta Gal

November 24th, 2010
11:44 am

Happy Thanksgiving, Lt. Steve and all the LEOs out there!

Walter LIttle, Jr.

November 24th, 2010
12:53 pm

Steve, you mentioned oyster dressing. Do you have a recipe you’d be willing to share?

Blog administrator

November 24th, 2010
1:13 pm

@sammiega:
Thanks for the kick in the head (as Dean-o crooned in the original — and still-best version of — ‘Ocean’s 11′).
I must’ve been practicing my tryptophan-induced nap skills at the time. Unless I can figure out a way to blame Lt. Steve… :-)

Old School

November 24th, 2010
6:06 pm

@Walter Little, Jr.: Be real careful of any oyster dressing recipe Lt. Steve shares. It might involve Mountain Oysters. . . .

Get it straight

November 26th, 2010
8:33 am

For the last time: turkey doesn’t induce sleepiness any more than any menu. You’d have to consume 800 turkeys to feel the drug effect of tryptophan.

That’ 2:30 feeling happens every day. It’s part of the siesta thing.

word.

Catlady

November 28th, 2010
4:18 pm

I really think it is the turkey. I even get sleepy when I see the wild turkeys in my yard!

Talk about a funny picture! I have a photo of 2 of my cats looking up into the tree by the house where the wild turkeys are roosting. Their mouths are open and their eyes are big and you can tell they are thinking, “Holy s..t! That’s some mockingbird!”

Tweet

November 29th, 2010
7:47 am

I’ll wager that the roosting wild turkeys noticed the two Peeping Tomcats. Surely one of them must have suggested that he tought he taw a puttytat. The other must have responded that indeed, he did, he did, he did thee a puttytat.

Surely.

kar

November 29th, 2010
11:08 am

Obviously someone slept through the history of Pilgrims in school. Love the idea of the purple yams. Which they probably have, some haute version found in the organic/boutique section of Whole Foods.

And don’t forget the beer! Pilgrims (& Europeans in general) drank almost a liter and a half a day since the water was sketchy. So a six-pack IS HISTORICALLY ACCURATE.

Bella

November 30th, 2010
7:09 am

Oh my word ! LOL. Only read this today ( 30/11/2010 ) but I laughed
so much, the entire office starred at me. Really enjoyed it,
Wishing you a blessed festive season. As for me, looking forward to a guiltless Christmas Lunch, with all the trimmings and no diet limitatons !

Hoofty

November 30th, 2010
12:11 pm

Steve,

Always remember these words:

“A waist is a terrible thing to mind”