Off-duty: If life really was a carnival, we’d all be mullet-wearing carneys eating funnel cakes

Time off.

Detective Sandy and I made the annual trek to the county fair. We do this every year so I can count all the new rides that make me sick. So far, the only thing I can ride without nausea is the 82-year-old tortoise at the animal barn.

Actually, I like the Pirate Ship ride and I love roller coasters, but I’m not a person who tolerates the “spinning” class of rides very well. I can go forward as fast as you want — but then backwards? Puke-O-Rama.

One of the rides I like at the fair is the chair lift that (slowly) takes you from one end of the fairgrounds to the other. There’s no better place to mullet-watch. Why they don’t have a mullet contest at the Forsyth County Fair I’ll never know! It’s the perfect storm for mullets.

I actually found the winner just after we got there. It was spiked on top with bleached-blond hair about a foot and a half long. I took a photo with my phone but I think he had powers because the photo would not take! His mullet was so powerful he had a copyright on it.

Carneys. They’re the varsity of creepy guys. “Carney” in Latin means: Guys you swear you’ve seen on “America’s Most Wanted.”

Now don’t get all “Leave the carneys alone” on me because they creep you out, too. Picture this:

You’re going to meet your daughter’s date. The doorbell rings. You say hello and ask him to sit on the chair next to Spike the Rottweiler, with instructions not to move too quickly.

Dad: Honey, your date’s here. Are you going to a costume party?

Honey: No.

Dad: Why then is he wearing the funny fake teeth?

Honey: He’s not.

Dad: Uh-oh.

Those of you with teenage daughters, do you have the mental picture of it yet? Disturbed yet?

OK, I’m exaggerating a bit. Most carneys will not kill you, but next time you get on the Ferris wheel, look at the dude real close. I’m just saying they have that mystique of creepy — like clowns.

Don’t get me started on clowns.

And don’t take this seriously. The fair is fun. And where else can you get a big ‘ol slice of greasy pizza and top it off with a funnel cake? Nowhere but the fair!

Pizza, funnel cake and then a three-minute ride in the “Hurricane.” Puke-O-Rama.

11 comments Add your comment

Fred

October 25th, 2010
7:44 pm

Been a long time Steve. That must have been on hell of a carnival experience…….

Fred

October 25th, 2010
7:45 pm

Just damn. I was supposed to say “first” as if I just discovered the internet yesterday wasn’t I? Does that mean I lose all my “style” points?

Gorgeous+Sassy

October 25th, 2010
10:29 pm

Ok. One of my ex-husbands (married 4 times to 3 men…) was and still is an avid firearm collector…last count…38 guns. But when we would go to the carnival or Six Flags, he could not ride any of the rides, especially Mo Mo the Monster! He would get sick. What a LOSER wimp…Is that why I divorced him? YES! I love all those rides..but it does mess my hair up…….

Cop Supporter

October 26th, 2010
9:16 am

Good points Lt. Steve, I have not been to a fair or carnival in a long time but you are right about the creepy workers…yikes…and as an added bonus I HATE clowns I am scared of them and do not even know why, so I don’t do the circus they are creepy too. Great article thanks…

Biteme

October 26th, 2010
1:33 pm

Yes, Steve, I hate clowns as well. I’ve always said that there is something about a man/woman who puts on a bunch of makeup to conceal their identity to go play with children and Seniors that I just find plain disturbing.

Glad you’re back! :)

BeeGee

October 26th, 2010
5:28 pm

I remember being a teenaged girl and going to our small town fair and the Carney’s were very scary. I was never afraid of clowns until I read stephen King, but ever since, they creep me out. That man can really make a lasting impression. :)

gyj

October 26th, 2010
7:16 pm

Years ago, there was a traveling carnival on our college campus. Only a few others got on the ride when we did – it was the end of the night. I think the ride was called the knife or something – long arms that brought you across the and then whipped you around and snapped you back over. We slid from one side of the seat to the other, hair was flying all over place, we were having fun, but then it started to hurt after a while b/c we were slamming into the side of the seat. The ride seemed to be going on a long time and felt like it was getting faster. Seriously, both my roommate and I were begging the jerk to stop at one point. He laughed. Twisted. And, he was creepy-looking.

Philly

October 27th, 2010
11:44 am

So you going to make fun of mimes next? Then little people?

Hmmmm

October 27th, 2010
12:07 pm

I truly die for funnel cakes!!!!
(Philly – lighten up sweetheart)

1911A1

October 28th, 2010
1:52 pm

We have one standing rule when going to the fair: do NOT make eye contact with the carnies.

JoDee McD

October 28th, 2010
9:04 pm

I grew up in a small town in western New York where the highlight of the year was “Dairy Week”. The carnival set up at the Volunteer Firemen’s Park, and ran all week. Good times. There was always one local girl who ran off with a carney when they left town, and everybody talked about it for weeks afterward. A lot of our parents didn’t let us go to the carnival on Sunday, the last day……kept us locked up and safe!