I watched the “Nancy Grace” show for the first time the other night.
The only reason I had not watched her show before is that I don’t frequent court, police, crime, investigative shows as a rule, with the exception of “Reno 911!” — but not the old episodes.
I decided I’d watch since I had my laptop in my lap and didn’t want to get up just yet. Interesting enough, I was drawn into the show — not so much the content as you would think, but the way the show took off.
Although Nancy Grace was not hosting this particular show, her photo was obviously shown frequently. Nancy, if you’re reading, when I sign up for team staring contests, I want you on my side. When she looks at the camera, it’s the same face your mother gives you when she’s about to kill you. That look is followed by a toaster to the head.
As I said, the show was interesting. If you’ve never seen it, I’ll give you a hypothetical Cliff Notes version:
About the show’s host
It’s Nancy Grace, of course, or a Nancy-Grace-approved substitute.
First of all, this gal won’t need a microphone. She jumps on the subject like a flash and describes the crime, all the while constantly moving photos — in all different colors and shades — flash by. 9-1-1 tapes are played, witnesses are talking, victims crying, and, for some reason, a cow moos.
A sample of the show’s discussion
Host (screaming): “Police in Kalamazoo are trying to figure out why someone would shoot and then cut the ears off several small pigs in and around the town.
“Are you kidding me!!?? This man says he’s innocent yet he had a smoking gun in his hand and a knife in the other? Come on!! Let’s go to Dr. Patty Glamorous in East Lansing, Michigan. Doctor?“
Dr. Glamorous: “Hi. Thank you for inviting — ”
Host: “Shut up, you bimbo!!! I don’t want to hear all that thank-you crap! Answer the question!”
Dr. Glamorous (she’s shaken but still manages to toss her hair back to the left side): “What’s the question? I swear I don’t think you asked it yet.”
Host: “Let’s go to Attorney Harvey Sputnik in Cleveland. Harvey?”
Harvey: “Look, those animals may have said something or acted in a way that provoked the man who, and I’m not saying he had anything to do with it, had the gun and knife. Pigs are evil.”
Host (staring at the camera in silence): “Are you *$&-ing me????? How can you sit there and even hint at the fact this man is innocent, you moron!?!”
Harvey: “What? Well, it says right here in the script that I’m supposed to take exception to your comments. It’s right here on Page 2 — “
Host: “OK, let’s go to our legal analyst, Betty Smoot, in Snellville, Georgia.“
Legal Analyst: “Where were the cops? How many pigs and other small farm animals have to die before the police figure out who this guy is??”
Legal Analyst now screams and leans into the camera while holding a handful of papers, shaking them violently in front of the camera as she screams: “Look at all these reports of farm animals all over the country being killed and nothing being done! AUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Host: “Let’s go to former police Detective Drake Stone. Drake, what’s the police strategy at a crime scene like this?”
Former Detective Drake Stone: “Well, we’ll show up. We’ll be wearing suits, maybe fedoras if there’s media present. We’ll look at stuff.”
Host: “What kind of stuff?”
Former Detective Drake Stone: “Dead pigs with no ears, I’m thinking. We’ll take samples of things and put them in plastic bags.”
Dr. Glamorous: “Will you be asking me more questions?”
Harvey: “I hate animals that root in the mud.”
Host: “I hate you, Harvey.”
Harvey: “I don’t see that in the script.”
Legal Analyst: Aaaauuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Host: “I want to thank all of you for being on the program tonight.
“Next: Killer Whales — Profiling or Not?”