Off-duty: A cop reviews the ‘Nancy Grace’ show

I watched the “Nancy Grace” show for the first time the other night.

The only reason I had not watched her show before is that I don’t frequent court, police, crime, investigative shows as a rule, with the exception of “Reno 911!” — but not the old episodes.

I decided I’d watch since I had my laptop in my lap and didn’t want to get up just yet. Interesting enough, I was drawn into the show — not so much the content as you would think, but the way the show took off.

There it is, that killer stare. Look out for the toaster!

There it is, that killer stare. Look out for the toaster!

Although Nancy Grace was not hosting this particular show, her photo was obviously shown frequently. Nancy, if you’re reading, when I sign up for team staring contests, I want you on my side. When she looks at the camera, it’s the same face your mother gives you when she’s about to kill you. That look is followed by a toaster to the head.

As I said, the show was interesting. If you’ve never seen it, I’ll give you a hypothetical Cliff Notes version:

About the show’s host

It’s Nancy Grace, of course, or a Nancy-Grace-approved substitute.

First of all, this gal won’t need a microphone. She jumps on the subject like a flash and describes the crime, all the while constantly moving photos — in all different colors and shades — flash by. 9-1-1 tapes are played, witnesses are talking, victims crying, and, for some reason, a cow moos.

A sample of the show’s discussion

Host (screaming): “Police in Kalamazoo are trying to figure out why someone would shoot and then cut the ears off several small pigs in and around the town.

“Are you kidding me!!?? This man says he’s innocent yet he had a smoking gun in his hand and a knife in the other? Come on!! Let’s go to Dr. Patty Glamorous in East Lansing, Michigan. Doctor?“

Dr. Glamorous: “Hi. Thank you for inviting — ”

Host: “Shut up, you bimbo!!! I don’t want to hear all that thank-you crap! Answer the question!”

Dr. Glamorous (she’s shaken but still manages to toss her hair back to the left side): “What’s the question? I swear I don’t think you asked it yet.”

Host: “Let’s go to Attorney Harvey Sputnik in Cleveland. Harvey?”

Harvey: “Look, those animals may have said something or acted in a way that provoked the man who, and I’m not saying he had anything to do with it, had the gun and knife. Pigs are evil.”

Host (staring at the camera in silence): “Are you *$&-ing me????? How can you sit there and even hint at the fact this man is innocent, you moron!?!”

Harvey: “What? Well, it says right here in the script that I’m supposed to take exception to your comments. It’s right here on Page 2 — “

Host: “OK, let’s go to our legal analyst, Betty Smoot, in Snellville, Georgia.“

Legal Analyst: “Where were the cops? How many pigs and other small farm animals have to die before the police figure out who this guy is??”

Legal Analyst now screams and leans into the camera while holding a handful of papers, shaking them violently in front of the camera as she screams: “Look at all these reports of farm animals all over the country being killed and nothing being done! AUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Host: “Let’s go to former police Detective Drake Stone. Drake, what’s the police strategy at a crime scene like this?”

Former Detective Drake Stone: “Well, we’ll show up. We’ll be wearing suits, maybe fedoras if there’s media present. We’ll look at stuff.”

Host: “What kind of stuff?”

Former Detective Drake Stone: “Dead pigs with no ears, I’m thinking. We’ll take samples of things and put them in plastic bags.”

Dr. Glamorous: “Will you be asking me more questions?”

Harvey: “I hate animals that root in the mud.”

Host: “I hate you, Harvey.”

Harvey: “I don’t see that in the script.”

Legal Analyst: Aaaauuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Host: “I want to thank all of you for being on the program tonight.

“Next: Killer Whales — Profiling or Not?”

32 comments Add your comment

SafetyDaveG

September 24th, 2010
3:37 pm

I cannot STAND, NG. Had to LOL at her, she was berating Drew Peterson about his”refusal” to supply a DNA sample so they could identify the remains the the blue barrel. She went on and on and on and on.(Did I mention that she went on and on?) Stupid witch. DP’s DNA is never gonna match his dead wife’s.

1911A1

September 24th, 2010
3:38 pm

LOL…closer to the truth than what we might wish to believe.

John

September 24th, 2010
5:00 pm

ahhahahahahaha…..

Michael

September 24th, 2010
5:38 pm

Yet she pulls ratings. Can I get my criminal defense attorney ad on her show?

bigdawg

September 24th, 2010
5:47 pm

Has she EVER done a show about a person of color as a victim?

OMG

September 24th, 2010
5:50 pm

Wow! I don’t watch reality shows, but that woman would scare me into a confession with that look!

Diggity Dawg

September 24th, 2010
5:55 pm

That’s the funniest column the AJC has run since Lewis died. Well played, Steve.

RJ

September 24th, 2010
8:23 pm

Wow Lt. Steve that is the first time I’ve ever laughed at, around, with or for NG. I usually gag, whine, whimper, frown, deny and run whenever her show comes on … and I’ve never been arrested in my life. I’ve never even been accused of any crime, but THAT WOMAN makes me feel guilty … of something, not sure what, but it must be at least a major felony, perhaps even treason … She just scares me something awful. Thank you for this article, it cost less then my therapist … but then she hates me too.

steve campbell

September 24th, 2010
8:49 pm

sept 24 show lindsey lohan for 60 minutes. WHO CARES! That means all we can do is thank god that we have no other missing people or children in the USA! REALLY!

Robopop

September 24th, 2010
8:56 pm

I fully agree with Diggity Dawg (would have said “totally” agreed but that word is totally overused – Oh darn, I said it anyway). Steve, you hit the nail on the head. The only voice I hate to hear worse on TV is Roseanne. I long for the day when NG, with her “holier than thou” attitude, winds up on the hot seat for something she did and hid. That would take the wind out of her sails or maybe even sink her ship. Keep ‘em coming, Steve.

Kenny

September 24th, 2010
9:02 pm

HIlarious but sadly not far at all from the actual show. Makes “kangaroo courts” seem fair and high-minded. Speculation, insanity, narcissism and screaming do not amount to justice but to absurdityand all too frequent on CNN, Fox and MSNBC, talk radio–well heck, all of the media.

GoGaBulldawgs

September 24th, 2010
9:28 pm

Bombshell Tonight!!!!!!

Big Al

September 25th, 2010
8:39 am

Great article and I agree with Diggity Dawg’s commets too.

Most of all I do not know how you could stand listening to screaming crap like that long enough to get an article from it.

If Ted still owned those channels, I wonder if she would have a job with him.

Chuck Snow

September 25th, 2010
1:45 pm

I’d rather watch a test pattern than Nancy Grace I ‘m still wondering why and how she got a TV show in the first place. Anyone would be a fool to go on her show, just being on her show demonstrates that you are obtuse and have no self respect. I watched her show 2 times, both were insaninity in the giant economy size. No more Nancy disgrace.

Brad Bridwell

September 25th, 2010
2:06 pm

I hope she doesn’t talk about me after I’m dead. She collects garbage and then when the time is right, exposes it to the public. Just another Shock-Jock

RxDawg

September 25th, 2010
2:33 pm

TV trash at it’s finest.

I’m amazed that her show is still on the air.

BR

September 25th, 2010
3:27 pm

LOVE Nancy Grace!!! She tells it like it is!!!! And yes, she has PLENTY of “people of color” as victims, so please let’s not play the race card, for crying out loud!

RebeccaJ

September 25th, 2010
3:51 pm

Are you SURE Nancy Grace wasn’t the host that night, cuz it sure sounds like it………

Margaret01

September 25th, 2010
5:09 pm

Nancy Grace’s 15 minutes were over a looooooooooooong time ago. Why does the media keep giving her press; the public has had its fill of her. She needs to stop mooching off the press she had a long time ago and go find a job where she’s wanted — she’s probably too old now to go back to prosecuting, so she might want to go to trade school Nancy Grace is not a star; we’re tired of her.

This is Mrs. Norman Maine

September 25th, 2010
5:16 pm

Nancy Grace has the distinction of being so shrill that you find yourself rooting for the criminal in any case she is discussing. Her popularity truly mystifies me.

Angry Voter

September 25th, 2010
5:51 pm

Who is the lucky Atlanta hairdresser that gets her bizness?

@bigdog

September 25th, 2010
6:17 pm

YES! she has MANY, in fact of missing children & adults. I can name 3 off the top of my head within the last 2 months.

@bigdog

September 25th, 2010
6:17 pm

excuse me bigdawg

Sandy Springs Rocks

September 26th, 2010
3:39 pm

I personally do not have an appreciation for Mrs. Grace style. She is an attractive lady who has shared pictures of her lovely and beautiful twins. There probably is a soft side to this glamoring lady, we don’t get to see.

Mrs. Grace does get the word out quickly on amber alerts and that is very appreciated by this mother.

Mrs. Grace could in my opinion restrain herself to some degree. Her hateful attacks on police officers not doing all they can do to find missing children or killers is offensive to this police wife.
Most police officers are fathers and they take abuse of any kind to children very seriously.

Mrs. Grace is a disgrace with her lack of respect for others.

Deborah

September 26th, 2010
10:27 pm

yes, she does tell it like it is, but i will have to agree she is “a little OVER THE TOP”…with the screaming and she has treated several guests on her show like real crap when they are ASK to speak their opinions…especially Renee’….i wouldn’t be on there for anything…and she shuts Peter up before his mouth even opens! lmao…i don’t know how they tolerate that…they MUST be paid big money to sit there and read from the script and let her make complete fools out of them…she makes them all look so stupid, and she knows it all….she is way over rated, she really needs to get new lines, every time i flip through the channels, i think well, i think i will watch her show just to see what’s going on around the world, and the first thing i hear…her screaming to the top of her lungs…”AND WHERE WAS MOMMY”…Lord, i think i will just stick to the regular home town news channels!!!!!

kar

September 27th, 2010
1:12 pm

She comes across as absolutely deranged. The worst visualization of a soccer/hockey mom off her meds.

Biteme

September 27th, 2010
2:20 pm

I just laughed really hard at this – Perfect column, and sooooo true! Thanks for the Monday laugh, Mr. Rose!! :)

DisconnectedOne

September 28th, 2010
11:33 am

Am I the only lucky one who has never seen her show Or any of the other “screaming” heads for that matter. Cut the cable folks, you may find it rewarding to get your life back.

Melinda

September 28th, 2010
2:55 pm

I cannot handle an entire episode of Nancy DisGrace.

Thanks for the laughs!

September 28th, 2010
7:56 pm

LOL Chuck Snow – how many of us remember what a “test pattern” is?? Thanks for making me remember how old I am. Not.
I have tried watching NG, but I find myself obsessing over that doo, and what I would do to change it. And any more than 5 minutes of her, and I have to pop anti-anxiety meds.

Cop Supporter

September 29th, 2010
7:43 am

Funny…even though I have never watched a full episode of NG, my ex-father-in-law use to watch her all the time, so just the snippets I caught made me think I am not watching that crazy woman.

Way Prettier Than You are

September 29th, 2010
3:33 pm

I heard that she was a like a PITBULL in the courtroom when she was with the Fulton County District Attorney’s Office as Prosecutor……..She can be quite shrill……………..