My wife loves the show “Two and a Half Men.” It’s funny — at least through the first three or four re-runs — but, man, Charlie Sheen makes us wonder how we reached this far up the food chain.
Apparently he had a deal going with the court on the charge that he smacked his wife around and, according to TMZ — which we should always regard as our primary news source — the deal fell through when he wasn’t allowed to smoke during his community service time at a local theater.
I actually felt sorry for his attorney, who tried to explain it in generic terms during a news conference. Richard Cummins made reference to “glitches,” which translates to: “My dumb client values cigarettes more than not looking like a moron to the world.”
Didn’t he just get something like 2 million bucks for each episode of his show in the coming season? On top of that, Sheen was going to do community service at a local theater in Aspen, Colo. That’s hard time right there!
Lawyer: “They’re going to let you out of the can to do community service at a theater. Couldn’t be better. You pretend to care about local theater, the arts and, well, whatever.”
Sheen: “Can I smoke?”
Lawyer: “No smoking.”
Sheen: “Forget it, man. I’m not doing it for the cigarettes, man, I’m doing it on principle!”
Lawyer: “What principle? Whatever, can you go ahead and send me a check for a bunch of money now? It’ll make me feel better about trying to look serious at the press conference.”
Sheen: “Gimme a light.”
We need John Wayne or Chuck Norris on that judicial bench! There’ll be no fancy-schmancy community service!
Send him over to Arizona where that sheriff makes the inmates camp in tents and dress in fabulous colors.
After that, make him spend time with a mentor — like Paris Hilton. She’s been there, mister! She did hard time — almost three days without that stupid dog in her lap.
Next? John Mark Karr — aka Alexis Reich — rears his or her ugly head again.