Innocent bystander: When celebrities go to court

Perhaps Charlie Sheen could be mentored by Paris Hilton on how to serve hard time? (AP photos)

Perhaps Charlie Sheen could be mentored by Paris Hilton on how to serve hard time? (AP photos)

My wife loves the show “Two and a Half Men.” It’s funny — at least through the first three or four re-runs — but, man, Charlie Sheen makes us wonder how we reached this far up the food chain.

Apparently he had a deal going with the court on the charge that he smacked his wife around and, according to TMZ — which we should always regard as our primary news source — the deal fell through when he wasn’t allowed to smoke during his community service time at a local theater.

I actually felt sorry for his attorney, who tried to explain it in generic terms during a news conference. Richard Cummins made reference to “glitches,” which translates to: “My dumb client values cigarettes more than not looking like a moron to the world.”

Didn’t he just get something like 2 million bucks for each episode of his show in the coming season? On top of that, Sheen was going to do community service at a local theater in Aspen, Colo. That’s hard time right there!

Lawyer: “They’re going to let you out of the can to do community service at a theater. Couldn’t be better. You pretend to care about local theater, the arts and, well, whatever.”

Sheen: “Can I smoke?”

Lawyer: “No smoking.”

Sheen: “Forget it, man. I’m not doing it for the cigarettes, man, I’m doing it on principle!”

Lawyer: “What principle? Whatever, can you go ahead and send me a check for a bunch of money now? It’ll make me feel better about trying to look serious at the press conference.”

Sheen: “Gimme a light.”

We need John Wayne or Chuck Norris on that judicial bench! There’ll be no fancy-schmancy community service!

Send him over to Arizona where that sheriff makes the inmates camp in tents and dress in fabulous colors.

After that, make him spend time with a mentor — like Paris Hilton. She’s been there, mister! She did hard time — almost three days without that stupid dog in her lap.

Next? John Mark Karr — aka Alexis Reich — rears his or her ugly head again.

8 comments Add your comment

s

June 9th, 2010
9:00 pm

Has anyone else in the world gone to jail (from 11pm until 8am)?

HARD-WORKIN-GAL

June 10th, 2010
4:55 am

s, you’re asking the late 20th Century OJ-trial-evolved question: how much justice can you afford?

Arizona Ann

June 10th, 2010
9:41 am

While it is true our AZ Sheriff has tents filled with folks in pink shorts he doesn’t allow celebs. He would just hold a big press conference with them hugging and smiling and telling the press what a great job he is doing with his fabulous green bologna sandwiches and the get tough on immigration round ups.

Renaissance man in the house ??

June 10th, 2010
1:37 pm

You watch 2 1/2 Men -AND- TMZ?? Wow. That Detective Sandy is one lucky chick!

Lt. Steve

June 10th, 2010
7:44 pm

I watch 2 1/2 men but the re-runs are getting old. I don’t watch the TMZ because I refuse to think that guy can’t get by one show without that %@&#@ water bottle in his hand!

tom

June 11th, 2010
1:30 pm

Steve, thought you would be a Men of a Certain Age fan before 2 1/2…………….

Renaissance man in the house ??

June 12th, 2010
10:42 am

But Steve, there’s no denying that TMZ is educational. Just yesterday, I learned why beer was invented – to give guys the courage to approach beautiful women! (Courtesy of surfer-boy Max) See what you’re missing?

JC

June 15th, 2010
1:58 pm

Lt. Rose? (is it still lt?) If you don’t hurry up and post, I’m going to write one for you called “Stupid Things Atlantan’s Do in Summer Heat”. I’m sure there are enough water balloon throwers, nekkid kids, and people drinking themselves into a coma to make a niiiiceee column.