Archive for June, 2010

Off-duty: Our Great Mid-America Redneck Tour

Greetings from metro Waynesville, Missouri!

We were officially here to visit my son Patrick, who was graduating from his chemical school training at Ft. Leonard Wood. After 10 weeks of working around various nerve agents, he’s fully prepared to handle whatever the Army throws at him. Fortunately, he now has a third hand protruding from his head to handle things. The Army said it will go away in a few weeks. Until then, he’s learning to juggle.

We took this trip by car to see a bit of America — and America we have seen! Detective Sandy and I always give our trips a name to remember them by. For example:

  • Losing Two Grand in Vegas ‘07.
  • Losing Two Grand in Vegas ‘08.
  • Winning a Lousy Two Hundred While Losing Four Grand in Vegas ‘09.
  • Too Poor for Vegas ’10.

And so on.

We left metropolitan Ball Ground in the late morning hours, intending to drive just past Memphis or whenever the little energy drink wore off. My job is to drive. Sandy’s job is to remain sharp by sleeping as much as …

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Bad idea: texting and driving. Good idea: making it illegal.

Some new laws go into effect this summer. One of the most overdue is the texting-while-driving law that reads: “Don’t text while driving.”

No one really needs to text while driving, though there are plenty of reasons why people text. After all, most texts start out “OMG!”

Truly, though, we are not meant to divert so much attention away from our driving skills since said driving skills are not too impressive to start with. We suck at common-sense driving so how could texting be anything but bad? As much as we try, we don’t multitask so well.

I’m the worst. Successful multitasking for me is being able to occasionally go number one in the shower. (Don’t act like you’ve never done that, then thought to yourself: “Wow, I just saved up to 25 seconds of my life!”)

As public information officer for Sandy Springs police, I regularly send press releases on breaking news. Some are short, others are not. But I don’t always have time to return to the office so I send them out on the …

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It’s hot, everybody’s drinking beer but me — and it’s hot

Nothing goes better with a 95-degree day than a good old-fashioned beer festival — which is how I spent the day roasting in a black uniform just to make a few bucks and observe the behavior of the upper crust of the beer connoisseur community.

At 40 bucks a pop, most of the lightweights and bar crabs would naturally be eliminated from the crowd — except for about a dozen of them who obviously saved a few payday bucks to hang with the big boys and girls. They didn’t last long once they found that Bud Light wasn’t on the menu.

Having spent years moonlighting at various establishments such as Good Ol’ Days and Scooters (remember Scooters?), I’d seen my share of nickel-pitcher commandos whose motto was fight or — well, most of them ended up either fighting or puking in the bathroom.

What I found was, among other things, this: The difference in the lightweights and bar crabs compared to the refined beer connoisseur is about two hours. I’m kidding. It’s more like three hours.

I’m …

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Innocent bystander: When celebrities go to court

Perhaps Charlie Sheen could be mentored by Paris Hilton on how to serve hard time? (AP photos)

Perhaps Charlie Sheen could be mentored by Paris Hilton on how to serve hard time? (AP photos)

My wife loves the show “Two and a Half Men.” It’s funny — at least through the first three or four re-runs — but, man, Charlie Sheen makes us wonder how we reached this far up the food chain.

Apparently he had a deal going with the court on the charge that he smacked his wife around and, according to TMZ — which we should always regard as our primary news source — the deal fell through when he wasn’t allowed to smoke during his community service time at a local theater.

I actually felt sorry for his attorney, who tried to explain it in generic terms during a news conference. Richard Cummins made reference to “glitches,” which translates to: “My dumb client values cigarettes more than not looking like a moron to the world.”

Didn’t he just get something like 2 million bucks for each episode of his show in the coming season? On top of that, Sheen was going to do community service at a …

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These 3 stooges didn’t have a plan, but did get 15 years

This past week, three people were sentenced to 15 years in prison after being found guilty of an armed robbery and aggravated assault that occurred last July in Sandy Springs. This was a good example of bad planning that left the crime destined to fail.

Whether you’re planning a vacation, a home project or an armed robbery, the key is to plan.

These guys didn’t.

The robbery was conceived the night before it took place. The victim was at a club and met a woman. He thought he would impress her by showing off the jewelry and chains that he wore. She took notice and thought all that bling would look better on her so she made arrangements to meet the guy the next day.

He was thinking one thing while she was thinking robbery.

She got together with some friends and they planned out the robbery. They would go to the victim’s apartment, where the woman would set the guy up. They would pull guns, rob him and then make good the escape. Awesome! Can’t miss!

The following afternoon, she …

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