That’s a lot to stuff in your pants, ma’am

Officers met with Costco employees and a woman who was suspected of shoplifting. The woman apparently went to the video game section of the Peachtree-Dunwoody Road store and took an X-Box game, valued at over $50. Using a pair of scissors, she cut the plastic container and then placed the game in the front of her pants.

The woman  admitted putting the game in her pants. A female officer checked the suspect for weapons, which is standard procedure before transporting a prisoner. To the surprise of the employees, the officer found the following, also in the suspect’s pants:

  • A package of socks.
  • Two blouses
  • A small Toro lawnmower.
  • Two boxes of Frontline flea control, which the officer sincerely hoped was for a dog and not the suspect.

I’m kidding about the Toro lawnmower.

The suspect said she had driven her boss’s car to the store and that her dog was still in the car. She was arrested, the car impounded and the dog was taken by animal control to be released to the suspect at a later time.

I hope the stolen items were cremated.

Normally, it’s men who steal things and put them in their pants and then run out of the store. One man ran out of the Lowe’s store with a 7½ inch circular-saw blade down his pants. The officers ran him down and arrested him. He was not injured by the blade

Wearing nothing but a chicken mask
A woman reported she has been getting voice mail from a man who said he is going to wait outside her home and business, in the bushes, naked, wearing only a chicken mask. She thinks it’s a guy she met on an Internet dating site.

Silly as it seems, these guys are taken seriously by us because strange people are capable of bad things. I got access to the number and have been calling, asking for the “Man in the chicken mask.” No return calls yet.

Scam of the week

IRS refunds are going to be in the mail soon, so expect mail thefts. If possible, go for the e-returns, direct to your account. Please report any suspicious activity, including loitering or car drive-by’s, in your neighborhood.

Checking through the slot for your check

A resident of an apartment in the 6800 block of Peachtree-Dunwoody Road dropped a money order in the after-hours rent-deposit box and the money order was later stolen. Get this: The victim found a mouse trap with a string of yarn attached that was apparently used to drop into the slot and capture the paper inside the box.

Here’s your heads-up: Pay your rent to a human in the office. Give the check or money order to someone on staff and remember who that someone is. There is now a record of your transaction.

If you are a staff member and, better yet, manager of an apartment complex, know that people use drop-and-capture devices to pull paper (checks and money orders) from boxes that have slot openings. Find something new that would be hard to get into.

Okay, I have an idea: First, find someone who can work with sheet metal and who can spot-weld. Build a mail slot that extends some 4 to 5 feet, top to bottom, with at least a couple of 30-degree turns before hitting the bottom. The check or money order would fall through the turns and hit bottom, but a wire, antennae extender with a clip, mouse trap or other devices would either have a very hard time of getting to the bottom, if successful at all.

Optional: The resident places the check or money order in an envelope, adding just a little weight to help it fall gracefully to the bottom, and we’re there!


5700 block of Roswell Road: An officer stopped a car because the children in the back seat, ages 2, 5 and 6, were not buckled in. The driver didn’t have a license on him. After much computer tracing, the officer found that the driver was from Michigan and had a traffic warrant on him. Michigan didn’t want to extradite on the warrant, but the driver was arrested because the officer couldn’t verify his residence.

If you don’t put your kids in state-approved child restraint devices, you need to re-think a lot of priorities, folks. As many fatalities that I’ve worked in my career, starting when the Earth cooled, the absolute worst that is still burned in my tiny brain killed five kids and their mother. None were belted in.

Even if you are going down the block, don’t even take the chance.

6100 block of Roswell Road: Just after 3 a.m., an officer observed a car driving through a parking lot with a man running beside it, beating on the car. (In police work, we call this a clue.) The officer stopped both the car and man. The woman driving the car said she did not know who this dude was. The dude was drunk. He was arrested.

Officers were called to the Waffle House on Northridge Road about 3:45 a.m. in regards to a large fight in the parking lot. When they arrived, the fight had stopped but, according to witnesses, one of the customers was approached by another customer who was drunk and rowdy with the language. The suspect-turned-defendant made a number of loud, profane  and insulting comments directed to the sexual orientation of the victim.

The cops arrested the drunk and stupid man, which brings to light a song by my wife’s next husband, Jimmy Buffett, called “There’s no Dumbass Vaccine.” Lord, don’t we wish there was. I’d have fewer scars and a few war stories I’m not all that anxious to share.

33 comments Add your comment


February 12th, 2010
10:19 pm

Steve, Amen about buckling up. You just never know….


February 13th, 2010
6:58 am

Why are bars not illegal?

Hat turnt sideways

February 13th, 2010
9:56 am

It was my aunt Shantiva, she lifts 7 days a week. We bailed her out 30 minutes later, back on the street, she lifted a 32 inch tv and I sold it for some dust.
Life is goot.


February 13th, 2010
10:59 am

Jerry Constantino of the Shooting Times used to write articles about dumb crooks. I remember one from about 25 years ago in which he wrote about a guy who stuffed two live Maine lobsters down his pants and ran out the door. In all the excitement, the lobsters got their claws loose from the rubber bands and began “working on” the guys privates. When the police got there, the wannabe shoplifter was laying on the sidewalk “writhing in pain.”

The shop owner declined to press charges saying the guy had suffered enough. No word on what happened to the lobsters though.

Dilly Dally

February 13th, 2010
11:48 am

They were later discovered to be infected with venerial disease.


February 13th, 2010
6:18 pm

NO! The lobsters had caught a case of the crabs!


February 13th, 2010
6:20 pm

And the thief, he developed a haddock!

Hat turnt sideways

February 14th, 2010
9:35 am

I got outta Walmart with 2 Murray mowers in my underpants, got on a Delta jet (undteected) and sold the mowers in Florida. The lifts netted me 400.00 , the plane trip costs was 185.00.

Made 215.00 profet on the lift.
Life is goot.

Answer me this

February 14th, 2010
11:56 pm

I can no longer trust the police.


February 15th, 2010
6:10 am

Just in case you happen to be wondering, most villages have more than one idiot.


February 15th, 2010
6:29 pm

sounds like tony’s wife. Anyone check?


February 15th, 2010
10:15 pm

Love the new pic, Lt!!

Bobby dee

February 16th, 2010
8:17 am

One trick was lining the drop box with Saran Wrap using bubble gum to attach it.

bill lumberg

February 16th, 2010
8:50 am

answer me this…..nobody cares.


February 16th, 2010
9:24 am

Tony (embarrassed)

February 16th, 2010
9:25 am


February 16th, 2010
1:11 pm

Another problem with drop boxes at leasing offices is when you open the flap on the outside, it creates a vacuum blowing out, so if you drop an envelope with just the check enclosed, it won’t drop all the way down. You need to weigh the envelope down, preferably with another sheet or two of paper. I always made sure to pay it in person, and I always, ALWAYS asked for a receipt.

Lee: I remember reading about that man with the lobsters in his pants. I have that story in a book that my mom bought me when I was a teen, featuring the best stories published in the UK paper “The Fortean Times”. I still have the book.

Hat turnt sideways

February 16th, 2010
8:14 pm

i ride with da gangsta lean, i mean a seet belt just aint stilin.
i pay the tickit if yous rite one. taint nuttin butt a ting.


February 17th, 2010
8:48 am



February 17th, 2010
1:52 pm

Hat….you’re a thug and Answer… are a looser, just admit and we’ll all be fine…….Both you guys please go far, far away

Do not wear your seatbelt

February 17th, 2010
3:19 pm


a) it’s not ‘cool’ (however we’ll get you a cool wheelchair or headstone)
b) You will get ‘thrown-clear’ of the wreck (onto the pavement, on the freeway, at 80mph).
c) You have airbags (which only work for the first .0001 second of the crash, and do nothing in a rollover, secondary impact).
d) I’m only on a local street going 35mph, I’m not getting on the highway (most people die at intersections, not on the highway)
e) I can brace myself on impact (unless you can bench-press 3,000 lbs, good luck with that).

Lt. Steve

February 17th, 2010
4:54 pm

Why do the apartment management folks not like being given the rent checks in person? People tell me they don’t like that. Thanks Kristikreme for the compliment. It’s my new ’squint’ or ‘I’ve got gas all day” look.

Hat turnt sideways

February 17th, 2010
9:48 pm

Russ.. you’re a asshat and a punk. Check out the bling and gawk at my pants on the ground. Say what?

Answer me this

February 17th, 2010
10:03 pm

Looser? Russ, every time you try to humiliate another here, you in turn embarrass your self with your middle school rhetoric and discourse.


February 18th, 2010
8:05 am

Harpoon: and some villages are populated with nothing but idiots. May I present Exhibit A: Washington, D.C.

Man Up.

February 18th, 2010
8:16 am

I would suggest that Police add this demand to the capture sequence: “Freeze. Hands in the air. Pants on the ground.”

That would expose any shoplifting the perp may or may not have done.

thank you, yes, it is funny, isn’t it.


February 18th, 2010
1:10 pm

Hat……I do not care about your bling, I have enough stuff of my own without my hand out or stealing it. Answer…….you really have issues. Only an anarchist like yourself would constantly question those in authority. I think I went to Army basic with a turd like you…………he was discharged dishonorably because he couldn’t hack it. You think you know the Bill of Rights, but in reality, you don’t know your A$$ from a hole in the ground. One more thing “Hat”….you must be Canadian….Wink, Wink.


February 18th, 2010
3:25 pm

Russ, “people” like that aren’t worth the energy.


February 18th, 2010
4:43 pm


I love hearing about the mean streets of Sandy Springs and Dunwoody. :) lol It has changed a bunch since Sandy Springs got their own police dept, and I applaud them for it. I wish they would shut down Copeland road totally. Changeing the name to Northwood rd, doesn’t mean the people like you and me know the real name is Copeland road. About 20 years ago, you busted a bunch of my friends and I met you one time, My friends knew you real well, I don’t want to put their names but I know you would know who they we’re. We have all grown up and quit with the high school hi jinks for the most of part. I love your column because its good for a laugh.

Liberal And Proud

February 18th, 2010
6:34 pm

Some of your commenters are very likely to be in your next column.


February 19th, 2010
8:00 am

Lt., I’d have gas too, if I had to read some of these comments all day. All the hot air and nonsense…. ;)

Guy Incognito

February 19th, 2010
9:27 am


Off-topic, but….is there any way to turn out of the BP on the corner of Dunwoody Pl and Hwy 9, and go SOUTH on either street?

Liver Lip

February 23rd, 2010
7:51 pm

My condolences to the Vogt family.