At night, the crazy people come out to play

One thing that I do a lot is read police reports. I read a lot of reports. I read them every day. There are some things that happen over and over again. Daytime reports are boring. Most are burglaries, thefts, accidents, shoplifting and the occasional livestock-trailer accident sending dozens of cows running amok in the lovely suburbs of Sandy Springs.

I still have fond memories of screaming frantic-ridden phone calls of cow sightings. “Ma’am—it’s a cow. Not a bear. There are no killer cows. We’ll come pick it up. The worst that will happen is it will stare at you while it chews your begonias.”

The nighttime reports are much better better because the crazy people come out to play.

Just after midnight, a guy gets out of the car and goes behind a building to urinate. He walks back out and there’s a cop standing next to his car.  The cop asks what he was doing. The man says he was taking a leak. They both knew that but burglars break into buildings late at night and the guy was behind a building so, hence, the question. Now if the guy leaves it alone, he’ll probably be okay. But, he adds: “You got a problem with that?”

Not smart. Once you say it, you can’t take it back.

Normally he probably wouldn’t have added that sharp comment at the end, but the three hours of drinking left him extremely clever and why keep all that cleverness to yourself?

Taxi drivers get ripped off all the time. Aside from the occasional robbery, they have to endure getting stiffed for the fare. In most cases, the fare is coming home in the wee hours after a night of drinking and frolicking. She or he tells the driver they’re going inside to get the money. Once inside they simply blow it off and never come back. The cabbie calls the cops and the cops ring the doorbell and ask why they didn’t pay.

The reason “I was drunk and don’t really care about the cabbie” doesn’t surface. “I forgot” or “I thought I did” or whatever, is the normal excuse. Recently I saw one where the three fares gave the cabbie $12 cash and a $25 gift certificate to Cheesecake Factory where you can get a slice of cheesecake that make your eyelids roll up while ingesting12,000 calories at the same time.

Good stuff for sure, but not cash, so the cabbie called the police. The cops went to the door and rang the doorbell. The occupants, all pretending to not be at home, scurry around the apartment creating the same amount of noise as that of a cattle drive. Finally, after the third round of knocking, the male comes to the door with a gun in his hand and says “What the &#*@!%(! do you want?”

Not smart — especially when he noticed the cop standing next to the cabbie with Mr. Glock staring at him. Fortunately, the man was holding the gun in the down position. He thought he would intimidate the driver by answering the door, all bad, with a gun in his hand, but he screwed up. He was arrested. The other people in the apartment gladly paid the $46 bill.

People of the night are very interesting.

A man calls the cops and says he was robbed. The officer goes to a hotel and finds an empty room. The man said he met a girl and they went to her hotel room for casual sex. After a while, the man admits he paid $300 for the casual sex — which is no longer casual when there’s three-hundred bucks on the line! There’s pressure involved!

Anyway, he arrives at the room and unexpectedly meets the pimp who pulls a gun and takes the man’s wallet, cell phone and remaining cash. Now his decision is “Do I report this?” Sure!  We find these clowns all the time and often find stolen credit cards and such on them when they’re arrested for prostitution. If you’re married, well, most married men take the loss and hopefully chalk it up to “Things not to do again.”

Some prostitution cases involve a lack of communication, such as the prostitute not telling the john that he, too, is s dude. Uh, oh — fruit basket surprise! These usually reach us by way of an assault call.

Again, the married guys chalk this one up to: If the hooker’s Adam’s apple is bigger than yours, pass on it.

At the intersection of American Pie and Good Ol’ Days

If you remember a while back, “Good Ol’ Days” bar was located in Sandy Springs right across the street from “American Pie.” The cops worked the door at both bars, making it convenient to call for help with the fights started at either bar. All you had to do was run across the street, avoiding the drunks in the cars, and then up and into the parking lot where, in most cases, the fight had progressed.

At Good Ol’ Days, in the back, there was a long flight of stairs leading to a medical office, the same medical office building Eric Robert Rudolph tried to blow up Jan. 16, 1997.

Anyway, a local drug addict and peddler sold weed to the college kids at the back of the parking lot. They would give him the money for pot and he would look, laugh and then dash up the stairs never to be seen again that night. This particular drug peddler was a former college football running back and once the kids described to me how fast the man ran up the stairs, I knew who it was.

Interesting enough, the kids would actually report the drug-deal rip-off. But, in a clever or even semi-clever way, they would disguise it.

“Sir, this really fast guy took our money. He didn’t rob us, but he took our money. We were just standing around, you know, at the base of the stairs, and incidentally, we had our money in our hands so although it looked like it, we weren’t buying weed — just had the money out in our hand and he took it and ran off — very, very fast.”

“Why did you have your money out and in your hand?”

“I said we weren’t buying weed!! Why are you staring at me!!??”

For those of you who are just now coming into the late-night phase of your social life, remember that it starts getting ugly after about 2 a.m. But it’s also the best part if you’re not one of the participants — participants meaning liquored or drugged up and out of control.

That refined super-babe you see going into the club may, as the night ends, be puking on her classy duds on the men’s bathroom floor (who can read when you’re that drunk?) after a few too many Sazerac Cocktails.

Sad? Well, sometimes, yes.

Entertaining? Definitely.

108 comments Add your comment

Russ

January 12th, 2010
11:11 pm

The PIE was the place to be Sunday nights. That was the night when all of the industry workers were off. By industry, I mean Strippers, Bartenders and Hotel workers. I knew all of the bouncers, since I was Cop, I always received free admission. I had some good times there, especially in the mid to late 90’s. 99X on either Wed. or Thurs. would host several rounds of the MTV game “Singled Out” It was quite fun, especially since I won tickets to 99X’s fledgling BIG DAY OUT. I fondly remember this short asian guy who always like to dance very aggressively with all of the women. There was also this other guy who would stomp his feet to the music and sing every lyric to every song. I last saw these characters in 2003 at the News Year Eve party……that party was such a rip off. I do remember this though, My server for the night was a spitting image of Halle Berry…..Hot as Hell. That was the last I ever set foot in the PIE. I’m married now, but I like to relive the good ol’ glory days of my 30’s.

Equalizer

January 13th, 2010
7:37 am

Great column… I’m rolling on floor laughing.

StJ

January 13th, 2010
9:25 am

“fruit basket surprise”

“If the hooker’s Adam’s apple is bigger than yours, pass.”

Waaaaay too freakin funny.

Dane Cook

January 13th, 2010
11:21 am

Steve, you’re still not funny and I know all there is about not being funny.

Lt. Steve

January 13th, 2010
11:34 am

Dane: I accept my fate.

Answer me this

January 13th, 2010
1:14 pm

So, you are saying if we are not liquored up, it is OK to be out and about at 2 AM? It’s amusing to see people over indulge themselves to the point of sickness? And the fruit basket surprise is regarding a trans-gender? That’s rather insensitive. It could explain the entitled demeanor police have…..If they say or do it, then it is OK……Sad.

Tony

January 13th, 2010
3:28 pm

Yeah Lt, what were you thinking? (haha).

Atlanta Gal

January 13th, 2010
4:37 pm

You definitely have built in entertainment!

turdblossom

January 13th, 2010
4:48 pm

tony the ‘tard

George P Burdell

January 13th, 2010
6:28 pm

I think the phrase you’re looking for is “rounding the bases headed for home only to find a man on third”

Tony

January 13th, 2010
6:36 pm

Turdblossom the punkass momma’s boy.

David

January 13th, 2010
10:45 pm

Rule of thumb: If she’s got an apple, she’s got a banana.

G Cancryn

January 14th, 2010
1:14 pm

You know, although this type of stuff is entertaining, you’re going back to 1997. Fact is, people who go out at night speak to other people, create friendships, hone their computer enhanced depleted social skills, and spend money to bolster the economy. Buckhead used to be a place where Atlanta was nationally known for being a party attraction. People from all over would mention Buckhead bars when speaking about ATL even if they had never been. They wanted to go. A city without nightlife is nothing to desire. You want that, move to Dawsonville, otherwise you in bed by 9:00pm numbskulls learn and understand.

mustang100

January 14th, 2010
4:15 pm

To answermethis, you just wouldn’t happen to be one of those night owl -alcoholic – fruit basket surprises would you?

BigBraskyTheMan

January 14th, 2010
7:06 pm

tony, I think I may have met you once before – you were giving a bj to a cop. I’d love to see your worthless, skinny little azz kicked out of the state. You’re a big mouth and a pansy. A two-bit, cop wannabee (which I don’t understand considering the requirements).

Tony

January 14th, 2010
7:33 pm

Why don’t you come and kick me out? I doubt if you’re man enough.

BigBraskyTheMan

January 14th, 2010
7:46 pm

tony, I’d be happy to do that. I know you won’t be able to handle it.

Tony

January 14th, 2010
8:33 pm

Yeah right, whatever. Like I said before, punkass momma’s boy.

Tony

January 14th, 2010
8:44 pm

By the way, one last thing before I sign off. I can’t believe that I’m on here debating with a moronic loser. Proper names are capitalized. You are apparently a product of the fine Georgia education system. With that being said, now you can go back to living in your parent’s basement at 40 years old. Later a$$hole!!

who's talking

January 14th, 2010
8:56 pm

tony, I don’t think he likes you. Then again, don’t know that anyone here does, you seem to cause a lot of trouble.

kristikreme

January 15th, 2010
8:47 am

How is it that Tony causes the trouble? He’s just responding to what turd and the other numb-nutted men on the blog have said. Eat it, talking. I like Tony.

Derek

January 15th, 2010
10:01 am

whew, glad all that is over…thanks Steve for injecting some humor into our wonderful Police Force, please offer a training class to some of the young overzealous cops on force, to relax, baby. I was that kid at the bottom of the steps who got robbed btw.

Ofc. Friendly

January 15th, 2010
12:16 pm

Oh man Steve, amen! I am starting back on nights tonight down in Midtown, and even the most imaginative among us couldn’t make this stuff up. Of course, patrolling around 4th and Spring and seeing the “ladies” with sacks hanging lower than their skirts makes for interesting calls.

KarenJill

January 15th, 2010
1:13 pm

Very entertaining and I still haven’t stopped laughing! Let’s see — You called the police because you were just standing around holding money in your hand and some guy took your money and ran real fast but you weren’t robbed, you were at a known weed buying spot but you weren’t buying weed and was bothered by the officer who seemed to be staring at you? This was either Bozo The Clown’s brother Boo Boo The Fool or he thought the officer was Boo Boo. This is funny stuff Officer Steve, real life funny, no matter what Dane says!!

Free Mike Vick

January 15th, 2010
5:19 pm

Kristie you need to get back in the kitchen.

Tony

January 15th, 2010
6:56 pm

Thanks Kristi, I like you too. I’m actually a pretty nice person. I just hate it when the lowlifes on here talk crap about police officers and especially military people. I don’t believe that they’re man enough to do either job and they know it. I’ve been a police officer for a long while and I also spent 10 years in the Army. I wonder if they realize what our great country would look like without these two very important professions. I would say no because I don’t believe that they’re smart enough. I also could care less if someone doesn’t like me. That’s their problem and I definitely don’t lose any sleep because of it. This is to turd, big bra man (you probably need one) and talking, you’re not fooling anyone. Why don’t you just stick with one name and leave it at that?

KennesawDave

January 15th, 2010
7:00 pm

Funny stuff. Lt. I’ll tell you a quick story that probably should’ve been on a police report. I had an 8th grade crush call me up in during the week of Memorial day. We had not talked in ages and said she was having a party this weekend and invited me to come and said I could bring a friend or 2 if I wanted. Well the day of the party came and we made plans for my friends and I to meet her at the Korger at Park Air. Not bare in mind I’m legally blind and can’t drive, my ride was wheel chair bound and kind of looked like a real life stick figure with a big head(brittle bone disease) and the 3rd person in our crew was a short portly guy with spikey hair. We showed up at Kroger at the appointed time and waited… and waited… 1/2 hour goes buy I get out and go call her from the pay phone all I get is the answering machine. I do this 4 or 5x and waste a 1.25 in the process. And then I remembered she said she lived within 3 miles of the shopping center and I had her address. So we decided we would try and find her subdivision and went 3 miles in each direction… No luck. We come back to Kroger to call her again and one of my friends asks a guy while I’m calling if he knows where the address is. As luck would have it, he did and told us what subdivision it was in. So off we went… We get to my 8th grade crushe’s house at 1:30. Mind you I have been told parents are out of town and she has the house to herself for the weekend. There are 2 cars in the drive my 8th grade crush’s and a gold Mercedes. lights are on TV going in an upstairs bedroom. Spikey hair and I go up to the door and ring the door bell but there is no answer… Knock on the door… no answer. Spikey and I sit down on the front steps and come to the conclusion that she has gone out to get stuff for the party and went with a friend and they would be back soon. I should also mention that while I was inside making another pathetic attempt to reach the 8th grad crush a Cobb Co. officer asked my friends to move his van from out front of the store and to park. Well, about 5 minutes after I looked at Spikey and said “Well the parents are out of town and I doubt anyone will call the cops.” Well they did and he was the first to show up. Back up arrived as we were having our ID(s) run and says as he’s walking up the driveway “What in the wild world of sports is going on at 1:30 in the mornin?” Turns out Mama was home and we scared the crap out of her. After they determined that Spikey Wheelchair driver and myself weren’t part of a disability mafia the 1st cop came out and told us “Well gentlemen, the reason why your fried wasn’t answering the phone or door was b/c she was entertaining a male friend.” All of us including the cops had a good laugh and we thankfully were told to go on our way instead of facing trespassing charges. Ahhh, when you’re young, stupid, and desparate for a party. Funny thing is, the 8th grade crush found me on Facebook. She now has 2 kids, lives in what she calls the ghetto and is unhappily married. :)

Russ

January 15th, 2010
9:19 pm

Tony……you are awesome in my book and I agree that they aren’t man enough. It takes a man to do what you and I did…….hooooooooah…..it’s an Army thing.

Tony

January 15th, 2010
11:30 pm

Yes it is. Like I said before, you shouldn’t have to justify your accomplishments to the you know whats in here.

P.S. Does your wife have any single Brazilian girlfriends?

Russ

January 15th, 2010
11:38 pm

Tony……we will exchange e-mail addresses and talk……to answer your question, there are plenty of single Brazilian women in the Cobb county area.

Bobby dee

January 16th, 2010
4:14 pm

A brazilian single women? Is that more than a million?

Answer me this

January 16th, 2010
5:26 pm

Russ

January 16th, 2010
6:01 pm

Bobby……that’s funny and Answer, you’re a peter puffer. I hear that there are ads for single gay me in the creative loafing, check there for your sexual needs. Latin women want real men, not boys like you.

Ole Guy

January 16th, 2010
7:58 pm

Been There Done That! The civilian cops and MPs (Military Police) would patrol “Fayetnam” in teams. If you were cool, the MP’s interest was simply to get your young self in the truck along with the other drunks and get back to Bragg. Civilians, and Soldiers who couldn’t stay with the “yes sir no sir three bags full sir” reply generally wound up as guests of the “Fayetnam Hilton”. Two primary rules when on “recon” in the “nam”: 1) stay in groups/fire teams 2) always try to recruit someone in your fire team who could “hold their booze”…this was to keep some sleazy bar maids from sockin it to ya.

To this day, the Ole Guy is not so sure how in hell he managed to survive those days…although, among the younger crowd, it continues, I sure don’t recommend it.

Throughout the ages, nights like this have been a sort of “rite of passage”…driving back to home base employing the “one-eyed” method of keeping it twix the ditches, all-the-while never ever considering the potential damage to the lives of innocent others. Sure, when you’re 20-something and bulletproof, ain’t nothin gonna make no nevermind. GOD, WHAT AN IDIOT I WAS!

Ole Guy

January 16th, 2010
8:01 pm

By the way, Officers, THANKS!

catlady

January 16th, 2010
9:34 pm

One night in 1970 I was sitting in a parked car with my boyfriend on a hillside in N AL overlooking the lights of the Tennessee Valley. There did not seem to be much going on down the hill so we decided we should have some action in the car (68 Mustang). Wiindows fogged up and everything. My honey had taken the change out of his pocket and put it on the laid down back seat. We were fairly undressed when a light shined in the window and a cop knocked on the driver’s door. He took a look, and somehow focused on the pile of change in the back seat. His question? “Are you kids out here gamblin’?” Well, you mighta call it that–we were certainly taking chances! However is was NOT a 2 am; more like 10:30–we led much quieter lives back then.

Answer me this

January 17th, 2010
1:05 pm

I took your advice and was out late hoping see something exciting. I got a DUI instead and I don’t even drink. I am allergic to alcohol. The police gave me the road side breathalyzer and it falsely registered a BAC of .06. They refused to give me a blood test. My lawyer says my case will get thrown out. Dumb cops.

Russ

January 17th, 2010
1:16 pm

You will say or write anything to prove your disdain for Cops. It is you that is the anarchist. With your liberal thought process, you wish for disorder……be a man and grow up Pinko.

Tony

January 17th, 2010
6:50 pm

How do you blow into an alcosensor and falsely register? If you weren’t drinking it would of registered zero. They probably didn’t refuse to give you a blood test. The officer determines what type of test is administered. In most cases it’s the breath test. When the intoxilyzer is down or they’re not able to breath test you for some other reason, then a bllod test is done. You can get your own blood test done but it’ll cost you around $200.00. Sounds like there’s more to that story.

Tony

January 17th, 2010
6:52 pm

Sorry. Spelled blood wrong. Didn’t proofread well enough.

huckleberry

January 17th, 2010
9:12 pm

ACHOO!! Sorry, I sneezed from all the dust kicked up when the word pinko was used for the first time in 25 years

Pinko

January 17th, 2010
11:27 pm

Pinko is the color of Russ’s panties.

Russ

January 18th, 2010
7:07 am

Pinko…….Go F@#K yourself.

Russ

January 18th, 2010
10:11 am

I’m sorry for the above post. It is that time of the month for me so I am more emotional.

Russ

January 18th, 2010
10:40 am

Whoever has hijacked my name……you need to stop it. You obviously have a feeling of self importance, or at least think you do. That’s the difference between you and I. I know I’m important and that what I write makes sense and is true.

Russ

January 18th, 2010
10:50 am

I have a crush on Gary Coleman.

Tony

January 18th, 2010
11:24 am

Russ

January 18th, 2010
12:14 pm

Tony…..this is the real Russ and not the fag someone is portraying me to be.

Tony

January 18th, 2010
12:40 pm

I know that, not a problem. Apparently there are people on here with wayyyyy too much time on their hands.

Russ

January 18th, 2010
1:12 pm

Thanks for understanding Tony. Want to meet for a beer sometime? I know a motel that charges by the hour.