Flurry madness!

It’s snowing and we’re all going to die.

That’s right. It’s all over now because we could have over an inch of snow. You and I both know that means certain death and the end of civilization as we strangely know it.

Many years from now our fore and aft fathers will speak of the 2010 Flurries of Death that swept northern Georgia:

“I can remember my great-grandfather. He had so much more to give. He was killed by a flurry. Never had a chance.”

And to think we were worried about the H1N1.

As I sit and write, flurries are falling to the ground, plotting, waiting — waiting for just the right moment. God help you people in your cars!! Go as far as you can! Don’t look back! Save yourselves!

Flurries everywhere — must … keep … driving …

Everyone will be gone soon. Most have abandoned their buildings, cars and the tollbooths for the already-paid-for Georgia 400. Soon the city will look as barren as the desert, or worse — as Detroit.

But not the weather people. They’re with us to the end, or until the ratings tank.

Nope, they’re here, their sleeves are rolled up, those ties are loose and, in some cases, their TV hair is slightly mussed. Yes! SLIGHTLY MUSSED!!

It’s crunch time and you’re gonna see every wicked flurry on a variety of mapping images, from satellite imagery to the one with the big arrows and spikes that look like grand-opening flags at the J.W. Whitlock’s Used Cars lot in downtown Cuba, GA.

Damn you, flurries!! I’m still in the office as hundreds of semi-informed corporate people flee Sandy Springs in what is best described as a near-panic or great reason to cut out early.

It’s dark now. The flurries are starting to climb up the building, looking for any survivors of the initial onslaught of one- to two-thirds of an inch of snow dropped during the initial flurry attack.

I’m locked in the building, alone except for my lava lamp and my Obama coin bank that says “Change.”  I’m watching the weather people on TV. They’ve been at it for hours, including commercials, and the stress and strain is starting to show.

Ken Cook is running around with his shirt off, throwing tomatoes, like hand grenades, at the camera. He’s wearing a fez and calling himself Yul Brenner. “I am the King!!”

Paul Ossmann is bench-pressing Camera Two and doing impersonations of Arnold Schwarzenegger while Dagmar Midcap is wearing a Viking helmet and tap dancing to the tune of “A Night In Tunisia” by Dizzy Gillespie.

Stomp Time Steps, Shuffle Time Steps, Traveling Time Steps, and Cramp Roll Time Steps,” she yells while trying to light a can of tofu for heat.

We’ve already lost Glenn Burns and David Chandley. The flurries got them while they helped Jeff Dore find his banjo in the almost one-half-inch of flurry.

Damn you, Jeff Dore!

When the spring comes and the almost half-inch of snow flurry slowly melts — partially due to global warming — and you find the last of us, the ones who couldn’t get to the milk and bread in time, tell them of our fight against the flurry. And then turn my lava lamp off.

37 comments Add your comment

Rush Limbaugh

January 7th, 2010
7:05 pm

Reason # 1,965,232 why Atlanta will never be on the level of a Chicago or NYC. You can start a rumor about snow and everything will shut down.

hopey changey

January 7th, 2010
7:34 pm

Pretty funny. Not as funny as a superspeeder law- or those stupid intersection cameras. Almost as funny as those alarm company commercials- all the burglers are nice lookin white guys.

Dan

January 7th, 2010
7:41 pm

I understand some folks looking for an excuse to leave early
I understand school districts closing a day before and after a half inch forecast (remember these are the same folks who suspend children for drawing a stick figure policeman with a gun or bringing an aspirin to school)
But Delta canceling some 200 flts ????
If this scares them it kind of scares me to use them in nice weather

RebeccaJ

January 7th, 2010
7:55 pm

Ok that’s one of the funniest columns I’ve ever read on this subject. Having relatives who live in the South AND work at the grocery store, I can attest to the validity of your comments:) Thanks for the laugh!

mustang100

January 7th, 2010
8:22 pm

hopey changey, I thought I was the only one who noticed the attractive, well-casually dressed Caucasian burglars (with their pants cinched up where they should be) in those commercials.

Dave The Wave

January 7th, 2010
8:45 pm

I’ve never understood the Milk and Bread thing. I always cut out from work at the first flake – early because it’s an emergency – and buy two days worth of supplies: a 30 pack of beer and four frozen pizzas. My wife does not drink, but she can eat half a pizza …

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

January 7th, 2010
8:54 pm

Now that was a hilarious column. I thought I was the only who thought that the media and weather people blew EVERYTHING out of porportion. Come on Media outlets, it’s only frozen percipitation. There’s over a thousand Healines that need to be reported right now, with the story of “maybe” 2 inches of snow falling in Georgia being the very,very,very, least of them.

Sandi

January 7th, 2010
9:05 pm

Here is a blog post that might put things into perspective..
http://emptynestart.wordpress.com/2010/01/07/the-southern-snow-day/

Lee

January 7th, 2010
9:17 pm

Dagmar Midcap == Viking helmet == tap dancing

Let me just add:

Tight sweater & bounce

Now, y’all will have to excuse me while I go to my “happy place.”

Name

January 7th, 2010
9:21 pm

If Jim Cantore isn’t broadcasting live….it’s not a real weather emergency.

Love a "Snow" day

January 7th, 2010
9:33 pm

I’m an Atlanta native and of course I took the opportunity to cut out of work early–its an Atlanta tradition. My co-worker called it a “French Toast Storm” and after some thought I have to admit that’s pretty funny. Come on… you know… that’s what you make with all the milk, bread, and eggs you are obligated to buy.

Ima Nidiot

January 7th, 2010
9:47 pm

As a former yankee, I snicker at all the fuss over a light dusting of snow. However the real danger is that most folks around here have no clue about how to judge road conditions, and of course Atlanta owns what, two salt trucks? I remember during the last big ice storm all sorts or macho dudes in 4×4s spinning and crashing, since a four wheel drive truck with big off road tires obviously has no more traction than ice than anything else on the road.

Years ago when an ice storm hit Atlanta, CNN was out there filming our best and brightest drivers. Here was this bubba in an old Nova on glare ice, racing the engine and just spinning the tires on ice, going nowhere. The CNN reporter walks up to the guy, and says “How’s it going there?” and this guy answers “I’m a trying to burn through the ice to get some traction”

Chris Broe

January 7th, 2010
11:06 pm

Winter 2010

Mayor Reed said that what happened today was a failure of the whole system. It took the mayor several hours to declare a state of emergency and address the city. Reed’s fledgling administration is over. Full lame duck. It was indeed his fault. When is he going to stop blaming Shirley Franklin for everything?

ckgator

January 7th, 2010
11:31 pm

Very happy to see they caught the punk whp shot that poor horse with multiple arrows. Apparently he also baits deer with food and kills them as a matter of course. Isn’t this how serial killers typically get their start? Cruelty to animals?

I hope they lock him up for the maximum sentence per charge, then revise the laws to give him more time. Unfortunately, cruely to animals punishments are never enough. 5-6 arrows in his back should even things out.

greg

January 7th, 2010
11:56 pm

“It’s snowing and we’re all going to die.”

not so funny for this lady….

http://www.ajc.com/news/acworth-woman-killed-on-269915.html

Big Al

January 8th, 2010
7:49 am

Rush,

Atlanta is bad enough. Why would we want to be Chicago or New York?

susan

January 8th, 2010
10:37 am

Take your ego and your sarcasm back to whatever completely equipped and accustumed to deal with ice northern environ that spawned you. I’m sure those 27 folks involved in the pile up on the 285 ramp this morning thought your column hilarious.

Russ

January 8th, 2010
11:05 am

These comments from the so-called experienced northern drivers is so typical of the Brahman Blue Blood elite. Anybody above the Mason-Dixon line feels, that we as southerners, are ignorant on everything from cold weather to politics. As a soldier, I was stationed at Ft. Drum in New York as part of the the 10th Light Division for cold weather training. A majority of the soldiers that I trained with were from the northern geographical area of the US……They were a bunch of cry babies complaining that it was too cold. The southern boys took it all in stride without uttering a complaint. Here’s the kicker, all of the northerners sucked at driving in the white stuff……..I just chuckled and said WTF…..the roles are reversed here. This goes out to all the Yanks who assert their superiority.

Call it like it is.

January 8th, 2010
1:00 pm

Man, I love every time theres a storm you have to hear all the yankees mouthing about how we don’t know how to drive down here in the snow. Well as an auto damage adjuster in the metro area who has already received around 26 claims since last night, 22 out of the 26 are yankess, and most are from Ohio and New York. It would seem that youse guys are the ones who can’t drive in the white stuff.

s

January 8th, 2010
1:23 pm

Folks, I’m going to tell you the truth of Northern drivers since I lived in Boston for nearly 50 years.
#1. If you drive in the winter a few months of the year, it does give you an edge. #2. Northern tires are better than Southern tires unless you are driving a German car. Northern tires are better because they don’t sell cheap tires up North. Cheap tires will kill you.
#3. Please pump your brakes; don’t slam on them. #4. If there are two lanes and one is covered in snow, drive on the snow. Snow provides some traction; black ice does not. #5. Drive so slow that you feel silly.

Russ

January 8th, 2010
2:04 pm

S…………you obviously did not read into my posting. As a soldier, we are not only taught how to neutralize the enemy, we’re also taught how to handle our equipment in all situations, natural or man made. For the Brahmans, that also means our vehicles. As for the quality of tires…..Goodyear, Bridgestone and other name brand tires sold here are the same that are sold in the north. Please, my friend, before you insult the southeastern US, know of what you speak.

Russ

January 8th, 2010
2:14 pm

Also S…….I’ve been to Boston and other parts of the Northeast and I’ll say this though…….your cars are dinged with dents from front to rear. Experienced though you say…………please close your mouth from hitting the ground because I’ve insulted a Blue Blood. I Take all of this in stride, because y’all are the one’s who have John Kerry representing Massachusetts in Washington.

Patty

January 8th, 2010
3:35 pm

Officer Rose….admit it! You are really a very good writer disguised as a police officer!

GRITS1AM

January 8th, 2010
3:49 pm

I love how the Yankees say you we cannot drive here in the south. Well, how many people that you see out driving are actually born and raised in the south? Also, what falls here looks like snow, but when it hits it freezes. Most people cannot drive on ice, no matter where they are from unless they are driving a Zamboni.

LFP6

January 8th, 2010
4:07 pm

Whats really annoying are those offices that actually stay OPEN during Icelanta 2010; luckily I have a boss thats understanding and was ok with me coming in late.

Anyway, hope all you guys stay safe during Icelanta 2010, and have a good weekend.

bobo, the crazy cop!

January 9th, 2010
8:42 am

what’s really annoying is that crap like LFP6 are too stupid & too lazy to leave in time. If it takes you 4 hours to get to work, who cares? I would have fired your butt the minute you walked in late.

atlgadgetgrrl

January 9th, 2010
8:43 am

The scariest person I saw driving yesterday had plates from NJ. She barreled past the rest of us on 92, easily doing double the speed.

As for many of my fellow drivers yesterday, you are just boneheads. Just because a road is clear in a given space in a given moment, doesn’t mean it’ll be clear 500 yards up around the curve in the shade. Go ahead, get right up on the driver in front of you then hit the brakes hard once you hit the ice.

We sat and laughed at the news yesterday morning. We called it bumper car theater.

My husband had a good question, though: at what point do the news crews filming people driving onto icy roads have an obligation to warn the drivers that the roads are icy?

Dane Cook

January 9th, 2010
9:49 am

Hey, I’m not a funny guy, but even I am funnier then your routine about this snow fall. Try using profanities, yelling and flailing about.

John

January 11th, 2010
10:29 am

Steve – stick to writing about POLICE stuff. That’s why you have a blog. DUH.

John

January 11th, 2010
10:31 am

Rus (at your 2:04 post) – you couldn’t be any DUMBER.

The tire companies sell different tires in the south and north. Anybody knows that. Why don’t you call them and ask if they sell all the good snow tires in Florida and they’ll (correctly) think you’re an IDIOT.

Russ

January 11th, 2010
3:27 pm

John……..I’m former military, retired to be in fact……I’ve been all over this great country of ours, plus other parts of the world. I am not some dumb backwoods hick as you in the north are taught to believe.

RW

January 12th, 2010
11:13 am

Russ, I’m sorry my friend, but you sound like a idiot. No one care’s where you have been or what you did. How did your last comment have any thing to do with John’s post? Sorry, I’m not a “yankee”, and no I didn’t vote for Obama. Just a word of advise, make your point and be done with it. Any way, thanks LT for your great “work” !!

Russ

January 12th, 2010
11:48 am

RW………I may sound like an idiot to the masses who haven’t seen much, but I’ve got a few words for you and the rest of the people …y’all sound jealous. I am obviously not an idiot. I communicate my thoughts very intelligently and if people are put off by what I write, so be it. This is an open forum and I will write what I want with utter disregard for what people think or feel. This is the beauty of living in our great country. I haven’t written anything that be construed as threatening or subversive in any way. I have not attacked you, so please don’t attack me. The mark of a great commentary writer is, if what he writes makes people think and look at themselves, I have completed my task.

prootwadl

January 12th, 2010
6:04 pm

It ain’t the snow that’s the issue, as should be obvious … it’s the ice. I moved here from MN and have no issues at all driving on snow, but I saw several areas of roadway last Friday that I wouldn’t dare drive on. Ice + hills = badness in my book.

The fact that the ground had frozen to the point where this stuff stuck was really cool, and the sights reminded me of home, but the lack of melting agent made some of the side roads in southern Cobb rather nasty. Sand is useful sometimes, but not on pure ice, not really.

Some of the folks I saw on the roads were obviously uncertain about how to drive through ice patches … my wife said she saw an SUV almost come to a stop on the E/W Connector as it approached a spot of ice. The secret is to drive straight through and keep your steering straight and your speed constant. Even if you slip, you’ll recover gracefully on the other side.

That said, there were places I saw (like Cooper Lake Road just north of the E/W Connector, or Paces Ferry in Vinings) that I decided to avoid simply because it was obvious that the roads were too dangerous to traverse. That’s not a northern or southern thing, that’s an ice thing. :-)

Patrick

January 14th, 2010
8:32 am

Like others have said, it’s not the snow, it’s the ice. No one can drive on ice. Not even those car commercial stunt drivers that can make an SUV turn on an atom.

It’s not just the ice, though. It’s several factors. First, yes Virginia, it’s the ice. Second, the ice is caused by our higher levels of humidity down here vs. up north. Third, the state’s DOT is not as readily equipped with the materials to de-ice and otherwise prepare the roads for driveability during and after a snow storm as some state up north’s DOT would be. I remember the announcement Friday morning that due to limited resources thanks to tighter budgets as set forth by Sonny Perdue, there wasn’t enough material to de-ice and otherwise treat every single surface of asphalt in the entire state. Interstates came first. Then state highways/major thoroughfares. Then local roads got cleared, if there was any material left. Some people ended up missing work due to their own street was iced over, or even if there were patches of ice, it would still had been too dangerous. It took the wreck of one car, three tow trucks sliding off the road, and a TV news station’s phone call to DOT to finally get Briarcliff Road made passable.

Patrick

January 14th, 2010
8:37 am

I opted to stay home from work both Thursday and Friday, since I have a long commute one-way (from Bremen to Norcross), and didn’t want to be stuck in the middle of I-85 or I-20 when it came down Thursday, and had a feeling that Friday it would be worse. Took some work home to work on during those two days.

Also, “Flurry Madness” = great title for a Broadway musical comedy.

Scottish Girl

January 20th, 2010
3:34 pm

Steve, I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! Bravo!!