A few stories to make you feel normal compared to these folks:
1) A recent butt-stabbing in Harrison Township, Ohio, provides further evidence that your brain can convince you that really dumb things seem to be a good idea when you’re drunk.
Two men — friends who were toasting one of the men going into the hospital — were drinking around 11 a.m. when an argument started and ended with an intentional butt-stabbing.
There are no statistics that specifically show what patterns butt-stabbings follow. But, like tornados, they tend to gravitate to trailer parks and, in most cases, involve booze.
It must be getting worse. Cheesy lawyer ads now include them:
“Hello. Have you been stabbed in the butt? I’m Attorney Rosco Bonzo of Bonzo, Spudnick and Glickman. If you were unfairly stabbed in the butt, you may be entitled to compensation.”
2) A man in Annville, Pa., suffered, not a butt-stabbing, but an injury to his nipple while breaking up with his girlfriend.
During the breakup, the girlfriend reached and yanked his nipple ring, causing an injury that warrants this commercial:
“Hello. I’m Attorney Rosco Bonzo of Bonzo, Spudnick, and Glickman. Are you missing a nipple, or perhaps been stabbed in the butt?”
3) Three years ago this month, a woman walked into a Sandy Springs bank dressed in a leopard-skin, short dress and an incredibly cheap blond wig, carrying a white bag, black bag and a hairbrush wrapped in clear plastic wrap.
She walked up to the teller, pulled the brush, pointed the brush at the teller and demanded she put the bank money in the white bag, which she laid on the counter along with the black bag. The teller complied and put the money in the white bag.
Way back when she walked in, bank employees suspected something was going to go wrong so they called the cops, who were by now arriving and setting up outside.
The teller finished putting the money in the white bag, so the robber took the black bag and walked out – where she was tackled at the door and arrested.
She told the cops: “I don’t normally do this.”
“Hello, I’m Rosco Bonzo of Bonzo, Spudnick, and Glickman. Did you rob a bank with a hairbrush? If so, you’re confused. We can help you blame someone for your confusion and you may be entitled to compensation.”