No ‘dumb crooks’ stories today

Sunday 9:10 a.m.
I’m sitting here on a Sunday morning, laptop in my — well, lap, as it should be — watching “CBS News Sunday Morning,” as I usually do, and trying to think about something to write about, and …

… I can’t think of anything to write about.

It happens. You go hours, and even days, without a single thought of anything that would remotely resemble something worth writing about.

Today I’m there.

You would think that police work would serve as a target-rich environment for “humorous fodder,” a term that sounded much better before I actually wrote it down. But, actually, “dumb crooks” stories are out there, all over the Internet, for us all to see. I’ll pass on dumb crooks today.

9:20 a.m.
Now that I’m into this by a few paragraphs, I still could not see a story on the horizon. So I started watching the TV again. I watched the “Sunday Morning” piece on Dave Matthews Band. I like them.

Maybe I should write about them. Maybe I should listen to their new album and review it. There are, after all, music-review writers. I gave it a shot.

“The Dave Matthews band is good. I like the drummer. He’s good. I like drums. If I had any musical talent, which I don’t, I would like to play the drums. Drums are very cool.”

9:35 a.m.
Who the heck writes about music? What was I thinking? You either like it or you don’t. Wait. I think you get free tickets to concerts if you write about it. Sw-e-e-e-t!

I decided to do some research so I looked up a music critic’s review. The author reviews a group named Veckatimest.

“The neo-classical precision of Grizzly Bear’s music — the feeling that its choral harmonies, woozy orchestrations, and slippery waltz signatures aren’t just written, but composed — has only grown more pronounced since Yellow House, but somehow that meticulousness never becomes lifelessness.

“Veckatimest was named after an unpopulated island, but it’s teeming with life, mystery, and surprise — the biggest of which may be its potential for crossover success.”

Not once did he mention the drums. And nothing at all about this band was remotely funny. I’ll pay for the concert tickets.

I was back to nothing. The “Jefferson Gold Two-Dollar Bill” commercial was on TV.

“Demand is overwhelming. Order yours for just twelve-ninety-five.” The man said, standing there, holding a two-dollar bill with two security guards standing behind him trying not to laugh.

Do they have critics for commercials?

10:15 a.m.
I pulled up my e-mail. First e-mail read: “Steve, I got pulled over yesterday. I got a ticket. Don’t you guys have anything else to do?”

I closed out my e-mail.

Okay, it’s about 10:45 and I’m now really, really thinking hard about something to write about.

Thinking …

Thinking …

Heck with it. I put on the earphones and cut the grass. Listened to Dave Matthews in the front yard and Styx in the backyard. Styx has a good drummer, too. Drums are cool.

16 comments Add your comment


June 2nd, 2009
3:30 pm

Steve, been waiting all week for this….but this one sucked bad….really really bad


June 3rd, 2009
6:41 am

It all sounds better after a spliff.


June 3rd, 2009
8:25 am

Calling criminals dumb…that’s a bit redundant, don’t you think?

I can wait for dumb criminal stories from Atlanta. I’m also waiting on a miscreant roundup to be posted on a news blog dealing with Minneapolis.


June 3rd, 2009
1:58 pm

Patrick – Calling criminals dumb is not redundant. There are unfortunately a lot of very very smart criminals. It’s just the dumb ones that get caught.

Steve – Come on, you can’t tell me that no one was caught doing something stupid in the past week. I love reading about the dumb ones.

Arizona Ann

June 3rd, 2009
2:09 pm

Loved the music review. Reminds me of the nonsensein the art world. Here is a link to a blog about the Chinese Menu for Art Critics. It works well for many things including music.


June 3rd, 2009
3:47 pm

Steve, I don’t know if you’re contracted to provide a fixed number of blogs per week/month, whatever… but you owe the AJC (and us) a freebie.


June 3rd, 2009
3:49 pm

Gee, Officer, Don’t tell me you have run out of parrothead tales too !!!!


June 4th, 2009
12:49 pm



June 4th, 2009
2:08 pm

I guess one option would be to pass on all the different variations of the “Pigeon Drop” that folks still continue to fall for nowadays. Don’t fret though, the criminals will be back to their ol’ antics soon enough.

Chris Broe

June 4th, 2009
4:56 pm

Attention! Please don’t use emoticons. I am afraid of them, especially the one that looks like the face of a guy nursing a gas bubble, like the one above. I’m scared, man.

Nothing wrong with writer’s block, Officer Steve, unless you torture readers with it, (you know, the way you just did). Don’t worry. There are cures. Try the salve. Try reading a book. that always helps me. Try playing with your dog, looking in the mirror for an hour, or even counting backwards from 1 million to zero. Other writer’s block remedies include drinking a glass of water from the back of the glass upside down, tying a string around your bicuspid and then attaching the string to a doorknob, paying a hooker to scare you, and of course, watching Aunt Bea stunt doubles have sex.

However, in your case, I don’t think anything can help you. You’re just going to have to endure till it goes away. Of course that begs the question, “How will we be able to tell when the writers block leaves you?”

Jklol. (In truth, writer’s block is no laughing matter. I feel your pain, sir.)

Do us all a favor Steve

June 6th, 2009
8:09 pm

Steve, please give fellow AJC staffer Maureen “blame teachers first, blame students never” Downey a clue about her last column on end of year school hijinks.

Please inform her that two of her son’s friends weren’t arrested for tossing a water balloon, they were arrested for not following a DIRECT ORDER from a law enforcement official.

Let her know that a real world exists outside her liberal bedwetting myopic worldview, and when you disobey a DIRECT ORDER from a law enforcement official, consequences can occur.

Java Monkey

June 7th, 2009
7:24 am

Steve, you don’t owe us anything. The music review made me laugh out loud (pretty rare these days).

Keep up the work, good and gooder!


June 8th, 2009
1:07 pm

Hey Steve, I went to see Styx, REO Speedwagon, and .38 Special in Houston, TX last night. Tommy Shaw in Styx seems to shrink more every time I see them. REO was good, the lead singer seems a bit more feminine than I remember and his hair is white now. .38 Special was the best, they still sound great. The choral harmonies were rockin’. $9.50 beers suck. Does that qualify for a music review? How is your brother doing? I think he is better looking than you.

Buy more stamps, help the USPS.


June 8th, 2009
4:58 pm

you know it would be amazing if the sandy springs police would spend as much time actually doing their jobs as this guy spends on his stupid column. when it still takes them about a half hour to respond to an alarm or a phone call, it makes glad the 2nd amendment is in place for my own protection. get out on the streets and do what i am paying you to do. not this garbage.

William H. in Lithonia

June 17th, 2009
12:18 am

According to a June 16th, 2009 article from Reuters titled, “NYC drivers named America’s most aggressive”, Atlanta is third on the list of angriest and most aggressive drivers. We also have had an influx of speeding and tailgating New Yorkers. But they have stiff competition with Bo and Luke Duke from Hazard county driving school :)

Imagine a new traffic system where cars are programmed not to hit each other, or anything else. These cars can also be programmed to keep proper distance and regulated speed. And imagine these vehicles not polluting the air and not causing cancer or global climate change!

We have the technology, but we need the political will power. Are we wise enough? Is our current system of transportation a display of freedom or anarchy? Is it really freedom that kills 40,000 plus people a year and the leading cause of death of our children? Or is it just plain stupidity for not using our technology to make a better world? 3 million injuries on America’s roads every year only add to our Health Care crisis.

We invaded Iraq with no legitimate reason in response to 911 and spent trillions of dollars killing hundreds of thousands of people – and we’re not done yet – including sending more of our own people to die than died in 911. Why can’t we summon the political will to do something better like Health Care or a safe transportation system?

In the 1950’s when corporate tax rates were 90% and our domestic jobs, and middle class income, were protected by tariffs and fair trade, America had the best middle class and infrastructure development in our history.

Have cutting those corporate taxes and lowering trade barriers really given us a better middle class or infrastructure? Why have we departed from what works?

We’re living on decaying 1950’s infrastructure and many people tell us we’re too broke to do anything about it, until it comes to illegal wars in Iraq and culture war prisons, of course! We’ll put our children in debt to our greatest unfounded fears but our best hopes and dreams are dismissed as socialism? Give me a freaking break from that backwards crap!

It is time for us to care less about building culture war prisons and bombing third world countries in some latest dark age crusade and lets begin to build the America that our current technology and best good will towards mankind can dream of, including a way to drive to the ball game in peace without putting the whole family in danger of the biggest terrorist we’ll all face, next to disease, and that is your neighbor on the road.

And I must add, Mr. Rose, that the 1950’s style police traffic enforcement is about as productive as the 1980’s style war on drugs. It’s time to get more wise, less violent, and produce the results the name Peace Officer implies.


July 5th, 2009
12:12 pm

Many many more dumb crinimal stories to realy prove the old adage CRIME DOSE NOT PAY