Archive for May, 2009

Digital TV will change your life — or not

Ahead of us looms a life-changing experience rivaled only by rare monumental events of the past, such as Y2K and the unprecedented Geraldo Rivera uncovering the mystery of Al Capone’s vault.

(“Holy ^$*$^&!! There’s nothing here!! Empty!! What the %^$&$^ were we thinking??!!”)

One again we’ve climbed the technology ladder, leaving behind a part of Americana, including those beloved typewriter-repair training schools located at the end of a remote strip mall, videotape, floppy disks, cassettes and Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute. Looming (”looming” is used frequently here) ahead, like the meteor in Armageddon — or whatever Bruce Willis movie you choose — is June 12.

Ring a bell? If it doesn’t, then you’ve not been paying attention to all of those TV anchors telling us that the time to transition to digital from analog television is almost upon us. In case you’ve been in a coma or in traffic on Georgia 400, here’s a summary:

First of all, to simplify matters, …

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Yea, I’ve got news — but first let me fix my hair

One of the more difficult jobs at times is handing the police department’s public information job.

It’s not always easy trying to pronounce tough words like my favorite, “perpetrator,” which take four syllables but means the same as the one-syllable word “scum.” Or the two-syllable word “double-scum,” or the equivalent four-syllable word “freaking scumbag,” the popular choice of many New York Police PIO’s. (Jersey cops sub out a variety of words for “freaking.”)

Those of you who are PIO’s know that being a PIO, especially in a busy police department, becomes your first job — even if it’s listed as an add-on to your other jobs. For instance, I’m in a community affairs division, which includes crime prevention, volunteers, reserves, explorers, multicultural and geographical liaison and whiney-citizen liaison.

I’m the guy who tells the young parent’s kids: “No, Cindy, I won’t take you to jail if you don’t eat your vegetables. Your …

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A swine of the times

Once again, we’re all going to die. I hate that.

We survived the bird flu, Y2K and disco (well, some of us survived it — others are still over at Johnny’s Hideaway.) Anyway, we face yet another virus that not only threatens us physically, but also threatens our political correctness — and that is a big deal here in the land of “let’s not offend anyone” to the umpteenth degree.

Come on, we’re not even sure we don’t make people mad when we refer to Christmas as Christmas!

According to an article in the New York Times, “Pork producers question whether the term “swine flu” is appropriate, given that the new virus has not yet been isolated in samples taken from pigs in Mexico or elsewhere. While the new virus seems to be most heavily composed of genetic sequences from swine influenza virus material, it also has human and avian influenza genetic sequences as well, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta.

Government officials in …

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On a soap box about Tasers

Now when I get on the soap box, I will preface it with a sentence like this: This is my opinion, not the opinion of anyone at work or home with the exception of Roxy, my Rottweiler, born of Satan and who stalks her portly victims at night in order to bring them to our weekly satanic rituals—okay, enough—after all, she’s finally learned whose yards to poop in so my revenge is sweeeeett! Anyway, like I said, this is my opinion — so go fish.

The U.S. population in 2008 is said to be 303,824,640. According to the 2007 FBI UCR (Uniform Crime Reporting) reports, (2008 stats are still preliminary), there were 14,831 homicides in the U.S. Of that, 11,618 were men, 3,177 were women and 36 were considered unknown. Obviously women spend a great deal more time solving problems and learning some degree of restraint.

That year there were 855,856 aggravated assaults in the U.S. The FBI’s Uniform Crime Reporting (UCR) Program defines aggravated assault as an unlawful attack by one …

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