All generalizations are false - including this one. – Mark Twain
Kim Zolciak is not a musician. She never will be. She’s more an accidental dabbler who can sing dance tunes with minimal range.
But a gay circuit party promoter figured her fame on “Real Housewives of Atlanta” and her catchy ditty “Tardy for the Party” were enough to pay Kim some bucks for a few minutes on stage.
This also gave the RHOA producers a hook for episode No. 3. We see Kim prepping for the show in semi-panic, semi-petulant mode. Kandi Burruss, the songwriter and producer who helped make “Tardy for the Party” palatable, meets her there to help her out.
Kim is seen running around (over) packing. She drives a yellow Lamborghini with her assistant and a separate limousine for her luggage. Yes, she rented a separate limousine just for her luggage. That’s worth repeating for the pure excessive absurdity, eh?
“Kim has one single and she’s acting like Lady Gaga – already,” Kandi says, in her eye-rolling best.
Kim has trouble learning the simple choreography during rehearsals. “I don’t know what Kim’s goal is as an artist,” Kandi says. “She doesn’t really practice. She doesn’t seem to take it seriously.” Is this a surprise?
At the gay party scene, Kim amusingly slobbers over the hotties. “Are you gay or straight, buddy?” she asks one partygoer. “OMG!” she says, like a giddy teenager, as one strips off his shirt. “I found my soul mate!”
After she picks an ultra-tight prom-like dress to wear on stage, Kim is worried her boobs will fall out – like the gays would really care. The designer adds straps to keep them in. Just before she gets on stage, she realizes the dress is popping up, Marilyn Monroe style, so he saves her by pinning it down.
On stage, Kim actually holds up well, remembering all the words to her song and getting the basic moves down. Kandi joins her partway through to be her “hype girl.” “I was sad it was over,” Kim says afterwards.
Has Kandi created a monster?
In other “Housewives” developments:
- Phaedra Parks fleshes out her relationship with Apollo, her husband who has recently gotten out of prison for racketeering and got her impregnated. She said she had known him since college, which is why she hooked up with him so soon after his prison sentence.
She then makes some debatable racial generalities between “black and white households.”
First, she makes it sound like corporal punishment is only a “black” thing. Apollo, who she said is bi-racial and raised with at least one white parent, is against it. She is all for it. She also believes that children are to be seen, not heard, a truly old-fashioned conceit Apollo also complains about but is hardly a racial thing.
Then here’s the doozy of them all:
“Apollo does not like very elaborate dishes,” Phaedra says. “I am a connoisseur of finer foods. Growing up in white households, he’s not used to all this fancy stuff. He likes canned food and packed meats. He doesn’t care. It’s important to feed people the way I like to be fed which is best of the best.”
Yes. White households just eat Spam and bologna and dine at Waffle House. I guess she never watches the Food Network – or seen the clientele at, say, Bacchanalia.
She also notes that she loves material things while Apollo appreciates quality time, understandable after five-plus years in prison. And given his job prospects, his likely inability to bestow her material things could be a major obstacle to her happiness.
“The simplicity of things don’t move you,” Apollo said.
- Sheree Whitfield tries to clear the air with Dwight Eubanks over his claim that he spent $30,000 on last year’s She By Sheree fashion show. He even brings along a publicist. (Really?) Anyway, he fails to account for the $30,000 he supposedly spent, noting some copies he made and $1,200 for a seamstress. “He’s not a friend,” Sheree said sourly after the meeting.
We also meet her 24-year-old daughter Tierra, who moved back to Atlanta after college with her boyfriend Damon. We find out Sheree had her as a teen and Sheree is relieved when she finds out Tierra has no plans to have a baby anytime soon. “I’m too young and fabulous to be a grandma,” said Sheree in typical Sheree grandiosity. “I’m not ready!”
- This is the first episode this year where NeNe Leakes is not the focus. NeNe gets a new dog and calls the little pup Playa. She talks to her 11-year-old son Brantt about his older brother’s transgressions and tells him not make the same mistakes while being vague exactly why Bryce landed in jail in the first place – for pot possession and outstanding tickets.
- Cynthia Bailey, the newbie with not a lot of airtime yet, expresses doubt to her sister and assistant Malorie about getting married to her boyfriend and fiance Peter Thomas. “As soon as the ring comes, you call it off,” Malorie says, based on at least two other engagements that ended up in breakups.
“Am I being selfish?” Cynthia asks.
“I didn’t see the healthiest marriages,” Cynthia rationalizes later. “I don’t want to sign on for that… I fear being dependent on a man.”
“He’s no different from Martha Stewart. He served his time. People just need to get over it.” – Phaedra, defending her man.
“My wigs all have different names. I just name them whatever: Debbie, Jane, Jody, Sierra. Pack them all – not with the heads!” – Kim, before leaving for a gay circuit party.
“I could probably beat Bryce up” - NeNe, after false rumors he was involved in gang activity.
“If you have $30,000, wouldn’t you fix your nose so you can breathe?” - Sheree in catty mode about Dwight claiming he spent that much on her fashion show.
“This is when I wish I had a wiener!” - Kim, using an outhouse.