comin in a close second,….what does having a job have to do with not being able to find a mate?..

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First of all, He that finds a wife finds a good thing.
Women are not designed by God to find a man. Trust God and live according to God’s word and a Man will find you(A man that loves God). After that everything will come into place.
A good man is not interested in you just being successful. He is interested in your humility, meekness, personality, looks, and your First Love – God.

I am happily married and I use to think that way prior to marriage. I had unsuccesful relationships. You know what I got tired of it. I just gave it to God. I told God I give this to you and send me the right husband for me. I trusted God with my whole. Well God did hook me up real good. and I am still happily married and my husband and I pray together to keep our marriage renewed.
God Bless You

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Coming from a good man point of view, maybe these women should evaluate themselves throughly first before saying they can’t find a good man and that could just be the reason why.

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So many Black women misinterpret that Scripture. That is NOT what that Scripture means. All this will soon be discussed in full in ‘Living Well, Despite Catching H***.’ Check it out. Signed, Successful Black Female, Married.

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Could it be that these women may not have achieved such career success if they had to focus on the work it takes to make a successful marriage? Perhaps this season of singleness is just the time for women to build their careers and invest their energy in doing God’s work. Think outside the box.

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established
without

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I believe the reason it is hard for successful black women to get a man is because a lot of times they come off as being arrogant and superficial. Not only that, but we have come from mothers who have taught us that we need to take care of ourselves and our responsibilities. So, since we don’t need a man to support us financially, men feel that we are trying to assume their role. It would seem that men would be happy to have a woman who wants to be with him because of who he is rather than a woman who is with him because she needs someone to support them.

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A friend once ask me.”what do you see in your husband”? My answer to her was, “if I told you that, you might see it too. She was suggesting that my husband was not attractive. The point is he looks good to me. To me, he is all of that, and I let him know, he is all of that. We have two teenaged children and for the most part have had a good marriage. Lastly, he is the one that is educated and holds the job. I am a happy housewife. I think for a lot of women, they are more concerned about what others would think, rather than truly allowing happiness for themselves.

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People please be careful who you get advice from. Based on his own past, Steve Harvey is NOT someone who should be considered a relationships “expert”. This is also the same guy who promotes himself as being so Christian, but says it’s okay for unmarried women to sleep with a man as long as she makes him wait 90 days for “the cookie” as he calls it. I wonder what God has to say about that?

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The notion that a woman’s stature or level of success in life is somehow supposed to translate to relationship success is entirely misplaced. The fact that this type of “debate” is being held in the first place should be evidence enough that the “issue”, apparently, has less to do with the “outside” of the woman (i.e. job, material possessions, etc.) but, perhaps, what’s on the inside of the person. Just because a woman is “successful” in life, doesn’t necessarily mean she’d make a good partner in a relationship or marriage.

A woman’s success (or lack thereof) has no bearing whatsoever on the kind of person she is on the inside and, in the end, it’s who we are in our heart that truly matters, not what our business card says.

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Ladies……..its easy, believe me. IMO you have two choices, an unemplyed thug inna wife beater t-shirt and tattos, or a successful law abiding tax paying mamaber of the community. Ya wanna do it right, just go white.

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I usually just skim over the comments after articles on AJC.com but today I needed to make my own comment. Coach is so right. We have to stop blaming each other and come to some kind of consensus so we can move passed our issues into healthy successful relationships. There is enough blame on both sides. We should hold these forums so males and females can listen to the other’s point of view. This can be useful and encouraging.

While I appreciate the Christian point of view (I am a Christian and love the Lord!) there are times that we need to do more than just ‘wait on the Lord’. As I heard during Bible Study one Wednesday evening ‘we need to pray as if it all depends on God and work as if it all depends on us’. In this case by work I mean we (single ladies and men)should take this time to work on ourselves—spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Attend events and go places that you enjoy. Keep your options open and stop focusing on ‘your type’. Your type has you home on Saturday nights.

I think the forum is a good idea. At least someone is making an effort to bring this group of people together for a conversation. What will we take away from it?

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@LWillians: Your comment at 8:09 nailed it!!!! Especially when you said, “Black women worship their education and career success.” That was pure, unadulterated T-R-U-T-H!

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@Rea – EXCELLENT and so true!!!! I too am single yet I have met a wonderful good man. THEY ARE OUT THERE. Only after I looked inside myself – and got me together and learned that only I can make myself happy and all that a man can do is add to it – then was I ready to be in a relationship. My friends laughed at me when I dated myself for a year. I focused on me and what I needed to do to make me a better person. I also found out that I didn’t see the good man standing in front of me because I was too busy looking over his shoulder for one. I like Scott am hesistant to take advice from Mr. Harvey (with all due respect). I read his book some things I agreed with – some I didn’t but he didn’t telling a woman anything more than she should already know.

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Quite alot of racism here. What is the problem with Black women dating white men??? Black men do not have issues with dating white women. I believe that many black women here in Atlanta are closet racists and would not be caught dead with a white men for fear of what their freinds would say.

Funny to see the women in the clip talk about their white friends but I did not see any white women at the table.

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The problem is not that there are not enough black men to go around the real problem is black womwn and black men don’t get along that well in big citys. I use to live in Atlanta and I have dated many of the so called successful black women and I would not marry one of them to save my life don’t get me wrong I love women and there is nothing more atractive to me than a black woman but what they say they want and what they really want are two different things. They say that money is the number one problem between couples so lets start there. I am in a business where I meet couples of all races everyday and I see how they handle their money . Black couples do not do well with there money men or women . If one of the couples credit is messed up the other ones is too 90% of the time. Looking at the incomes of these couples if the woman makes more that the man again 90% of the womwn are not happy how do I know because a lot of them try to get with me. I know a lot of you don’t know me but I was very tempted to put my real name on here because I am sick and tired of hearing black woman this and black women that. The second thing is black women really don’t believe in black men there is to much bad history between the two going back to slavery up to today when young black girls listen to therir mothers tell them to marry a white man or marry someone who has more than you. I can’t tell you how many times I have dated a black womay and the first thing that comes out of her mouth is I am going to start dating white men . News flash you already are in your head so there is no room for a black man. Most black women have this idea of what type of man they want he has to be this tall this complection I don’t want to skip over this complection thing but it is real and it is a big problem in the black community he has to make this much money and he can’t have any kids and he has to have a college degree and so on . Did I say that black women cheat all women do I know this but ask married black women are you on Face Book or Black Planet or some other social site and most of them willtell you yes but it is for business now what man want’s his wife or woman on any of these sites and ladies if your man does not mind you being on these sites you have a real problem. I have a black woman but I had to move out of Atlanta to keep her because of all the BS that black people play that’s right play that’s what black people love to do. I am sorry about the spelling but I am late for work got to keep my JOB. By the way my woman is a high school princpal and I make more than her so what I had a woman who made more tham99% of the people who will read this and I was treated like crap and felt like I was in hell. So ladies be careful of what you wish for.

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I have dated outside my race – this is a topic on the black man – so hence the relevancy of only speaking about the black man.

have a great day!!

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Not all black males are “thugs”, “womanizers” “bad guys”, but for some reason the real version of the black male rarely makes the spotlight.

I sometimes do agree that some black women can be superficial, because I know many educated black women, who have these super high standards and refuse to compromise. There is nothing wrong with trying to find someone that is equal or fairly close, but please also recognize that finding every single detail in your description for the perfect man in one man leaves you with slim pickings. I met my wife in college and we grew together. She makes a little more than I do, but she never throws it in my face. I am still the provider of my household and she is still my back up, and we run as a family is intended to run.

P.S – White men are not Perfect! You don’t have to go that route sisters.

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BTW: Getting relationship advice from Steve Harvey is like getting health information from a chain smoker.

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@DBH – It was the truth. He was a friend for 4 years, and because he wasn’t “my type” I never looked at him as more than that. notaracist had it right, I was shallow and because my friends were so used to seeing me date a certain type of man – I didn’t want to take our friendship to another level. I am so thankful that I realized it was about me and what made me happy – because I would’ve missed out on the man who is my best friend and my soul mate. I have friends now asking me does he have any brothers or cousins, etc.

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I believe we all have to learn how to transition from career woman/man to girlfriend/boyfriend. There are so many different hats we wear nowadays, we don’t figure out who we should be until the relationship is over. Learn how to be alone but leave space to learn how to be with another person too. Maybe taking some ego out of the equation will help. Cj said it best. Let the good man find you. Whenever we do the looking, we end up disappointed. But the bible also says there is nothing wrong with being single;just don’t become obsessed about it.

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One of the questions they hope to address is, “Should black women date outside their race?”

Can you imagine the furor, outrage, and protests if someone substituted “black” for “white”?

Why on Earth has this double standard been allowed to develop?

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This is the same old tired stereotype labeling of our black women and black men. I can’t find a man, all the good men are in jail, gay or married – if I hear the shyt one more time I am going to explode. If they were good men, the y would not be gay or in jail c’mon., albeit, the justice system is designed to keep the Black-Man down with a lot of innocent brothas being incarcerated for petty crimes or crimes they did not comment.

How about having a forum for black men. I am a single black man, I am educated (completing my Doctorate), I own a home, I own my vehicle, I make good money, I am GOD-Fearing and I am drama-free. However, I don’t walk around with those things written on my back. So, you have to get to know me for me. I would never date outside my race, I love the Black-Women too much for that, nor would I encourage a Black-Women to date outside her race…I believe the Black-Women are the mothers of the Earth and with that comes a huge responsibility, and that is the hold up the Black-Man, with all of our faults – good, bad or indifferent. Another thing, I am tired of the Black-Women being the target of media and over-rated hype that is coming out of the mouths of our black entertainers, that perpetuate the myths and stereotype that white American put out. Wake up my Brothers and Sisters…….Love GOD and self first.

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I saw the Nightline episode when it first aired, and I thought some of the women were superficial. I also believe that statistically women just outnumber men, especially in Atlanta.

I think part of the problem of the disconnect between black men and women, is that some didn’t have good role models of a husband or wife. I have been told by more than one man that my standards were too high and I have everything and didn’t need anything. These are some of my standards: belief in God/degree of spirituality, steadily employed, responsible fiscally, respectful, clean, disease/drug free, sense of humor, etc. My list never included what kind of car he drove, how much money he made, what kind of house he lived in, etc. Oh yeah, the other line is that I put my career first. I was definitely not planning on starting a family at 15 to 18 years of age. It wouldn’t make any sense to start one until I was able to take care of myself first, so yeah I did put obtaining sustainable income before starting a family. Didn’t mean I couldn’t date.

My father and I have these discussions about the plight of black relationships and he believes that the men of today are not family oriented. I believe him. He recently turned 70 years old. My parents were together until my mom passed away years ago. I thought I would be like her: married with 3 kids. I’m 43 now, no kids, and single. Yes, I prayed for a husband and kept the faith for a long time. If I knew that long term relationships that lead to marriage would be this much of a challenge, I probably would have done things differently like move to another part of the country where the odds were better, inter-racial dating, been more aggressive, prayed harder.

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@atlkevin: “Why on earth has this double-standard been allowed to develop?”

“Allowed” is right, and that’s exactly what’s happened. We’ve allowed it to develop because of our own narrow-mindedness in thinking that only those of us who look alike on the outside should be paired together. We’ve totally discounted something I mentioned before in an earlier post – the heart of the person. What does it matter what race a person is when that person – man or woman – doesn’t treat you right? In such instances it doesn’t matter much whether the person is black, white or plaid. To me, the issue of race is totally irrelevant. A man or woman should pair themselves with the person whom God has ordained them to be with, and who is committed to treating with the respect due them as one of God’s creations – regardless of their race.

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Hmmmm ANOTHER Discussion, Forum, Debate, March, Summit, Face-off, etc. concerning black people. What’s up with that? No other group, race, etc. has so many of these. Seems like not many of them are solving any problems in “the community”.

Brothers and Sisters?? Come on now……..

Round and round it goes………

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@DBH Yes it is.. too much for me ..but it seems that is what the men of Atlanta want. Which is find again everyone has preferences.. I have no choice but to respect it and wait!

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Well I am one of the single,professional college educated black females who has HIGH STANDARDS for the type of man I desire to marry. Does he need to make 6 figures and drive a late model luxury car? No. Does he have to be college educated? No Does he need to love the Lord? You betcha!! Does he have to have a sound mind, good values, morales, care about his health? Yes siree bob!!! For people to get on this forum and act like its wrong for single,black women to have principles and values and want the same thing from their husband is absolutely stupid.

Sorry I don’t want a man who has been divorced, not only for religious reasons; but it is simply a FACT that divorced individuals are more likely to pull that trigger a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and on and on time. I want a man who knows that marriage is a lifetime commitment. I don’t want a man who has multiple children by multiple women — sorry buddy but you are a player. And players just DO NOT make stable mates. Also, you have to into such a situation with the knowledge that you could possibly have to be a mother to anyone of his multiple kids if something happens to their real mom. And for every under aged child he is supporting reduces the income coming into your home. And if he’s not supporting his kids then you need to run from this joker.

I think Tony hit the nail on the head — there seems to too many men out there who want to play the field and then when I’m ready to settle down I’ll be able to find a good woman. What they don’t realize is that the good women have standards, morals, values, and prinicples and they just don’t want to be bothered with your shaddy past.

Now does that mean I may be single for the rest of my life. Quite possibly. And that options does not bother me one bit. I have now lived more than half of my adult life as single black female and I am doing just fine. When I pray I often THANK THE LORD for how he takes care of me in FINE STYLE and I do not have to compromise my values in order to maintain a good standard of living. And that includes sleeping around (still a virgin), having a sugar daddy, or just settling for a husband just to say I got married. Please I have seen too many women make that silly decision and it has always ended in separation, divorce, or just an unhappy marriage.

So judge me all you want to, But I would rather be happy and single then settle for less and be in a miserable marriage anyday.

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I too, like cclovegod, love the Black man. While I have dated outside of my race in the past, I prefer a strong Black man. @MiltonMan, the comment about the white man not being perfect is not about being racist, it is in response to the suggestion that if a Black woman can’t find a Black man, then she should look outside of her race–to a white man. Everything said where race is mentioned is not always racist.

For those who think that education is irrelevant in a relationship, try dating someone who doesn’t understand basic english. You may be speaking a foreign language to eachother but you are both speaking english. Try dating someone who has no interest in the things that may interest you, i.e.: politics, the news, community affairs. Though he may be a wonderful person, just what do you have to talk about with him. At some point in a relationship, you have to talk to him, find out what makes him tick, what he’s passionate about. If he hasn’t figured this out for himself, it makes the relationship difficult at best, and leaves her drained in trying to make something work, that really won’t. @MiltonMan, this is not racist but just a question. Do educated white women have to date men who are not similar to them in education? Are they searching from a small number of compatible men because they majority of the men they prefer are in jail, prison, on the D/L, locked out of certain employment industries, still searching to find themselves, etc.? These are just some of the issues that Black women are faced with in looking for a man or waiting for a man to find them. White wome may face some of these issues, but not in the same numbers as do Black women, nor do these issues affect white women and their communities like the do Black women and their communities.

This is not just about finding a man. This is a about building strong Black families and strong, well-balance Black children to be productive members of the greater society.

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Black women can’t find a man –
Ever hear of a DATING SERVICE ?

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itamazesme, reign was the one who interjected race into the thread not me. You are barking up the wrong tree. Why not call out reign??? Is racism acceptable to you??? I will however, call out racism whenever I see it regardless of what the original post topic is. If you don’t agree, then I would consider yourself racist.

SassyT, I know plenty of white women who marry “down” but I agree it is probably more difficult for Black women. Love & trust should be what is important – not the color of skin, money, car, etc. I have dated women of all races and I can truthfully say that most American women (black, white, asian, etc.) are more spoiled than women of other countries and their expectations are often too high.

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LORDY….LORDY……..THE ANSWER IS STARING U N THE FACE…….successful black men prefer blonds……DOES TIGER WOOD RING A BELL………..DOES CLARENCE THOMAS RING A BELL…O.J. HAD SEVERAL BLOND GIRL FRIENDS..

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Trust me it is not just Black women. Why does every one want to talk about the negatives among Blacks. I know a lot of Black women with college degrees who are married to Black men who either have equal degress and success or are success in their fields. In some cases Black men are married to Black women who make far less than they do and they are very happy. We need to stop all of this talk about the negatives in Blackness and the possitives. When you hear a negative percentage reverse it and see how many more are doing well and right.

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Please stop blaming Black Women. The truth is most of our Brothers cannot handle a successful black woman. If she chooses to be with someone who has not reached her level, he eventually gets so jealous that he tries to bring her down either in spirit or finds a way to make her stop climbing that ladder.

Men just need to realize that the game has changed. Yes, we still need you. “Every little thing wants to be loved”. We just don’t need you to run us. We want to partner with you, not be told what to wear, what to eat, how to wear our hair, etc.. Believe it or not most of us also want to help you achieve your dreams, too.

Grow up and deal with it! All we want is someone to meet us half way. We are arrogant, we’re tired.

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I believe any woman that needs a comedian to tell them how to get a man is already admitting self defeat and low esteem. Your choice of when and where to go there with a man is an individual decision, not one that can be theorized by an overpaid washed up comedian.

I dont think women should settle, but they also shouldnt choose their partners. Women need to have auditions that ask a man to show more about himself than the size of his D, his wallet, his house and his cars….because lets be real, brothers with that many options are pimping…..pimps arent good men no matter how much money they have.

I personally have had my struggles with successful sisters. I still dont think there is a typical “ailment” in the ones I’ve dated…..in general….we just had our own struggles to relate to one another in many areas……..there are occasionally some ego jousts and control struggles…..but most of the times it was simply a personality and intimacy mismatch. I dont think its asking a lot to ask a woman to be able to relate on all levels, just like a man shouldnt have to choose between being a nerd or a thug.

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“not” arrogant

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[...] Click here for more info: Steve Harvey Live Debate [...]

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@Over IT… well said.

Wow, I never thought furthering your education and handling your business was such a crime! Black women that have all of these qualities and that are not superficial are still out here. Maybe you are looking in the wrong places. Maybe you are over-looking the very one you need to be with. I am a Black woman with a MPA, good job, one child (16 year old son), knows how to treat a man, and can talk about anything from football to the issues of what’s going on in the world. I have to secure my career and education to take of my son (before anyone starts, his father is deceased) and my parents if they fall ill…God forbid.

It seems to me that the problem doesn’t lie with only Black women. Let’s talk about Black men not WANTING to be married. You can’t make anyone marry you. I know many men in their late 30’s and early/late 40s are still “out there” trying to be with everything that has a hole. They will be the ones, down the road, in their 60s and 70s (sick, broke–down, and needing someone to wipe their a$$) without someone to grow old with and no children to take care of them because they were out chasing everything, instead of trying to make it work with that “one” you let go.
It happened to me a year and half ago. Needless to say, he is constantly trying to come back to me after he found out that what he left me for wasn’t what he thought she was. As a matter of fact, he has been blowing my phone up since the beginning of February. He says “he wants to have dinner and talk”. I finally decided to answer his call on Tuesday. Hmmmmmm…..

BTW, I am very open to dating outside my race…that is all

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Speaking from personal experience, in order to have a ‘fulfilling’ life, you must keep yourself busy. That could mean, continuing your education and moving up the corporate ladder, doing charity work, helping the less fortunate and being involved in your community and church.
With that said, if I were to sit around and simply pray for a man while following the scripture and not ‘live life’, then it would all be null and void…I can’t even get a date on an internet site (I’ve even paid for eHarmony and Match.com!); everyone seems to not want to move beyond ‘texting’ and email. Not sure what the disconnect is because I’m ‘told’ I’m attractive by most of society’s standards, great physical and emotional shape and do not look my age of 46, educated and hard working, own my home, have a side business, etc., yet, what I’m finding is that maybe a lot men can read immediately that I’m not going to take any crap by the way I carry myself so, that generally translates in to, no need to talk to her, I can’t pull any tricks on that one or my own game is not up to par!
So, am I not supposed to take a trip because I can’t find a date? Am I not supposed to go to summer concerts because no one wants to take me out? Am I not supposed to enjoy any of the finer things in life because no one has recognized the jewel that I am?
As I’m then left ‘alone’, I just continue to pray for guidance and for my mate to find me, stay busy while enjoying this time on earth and be the best I can be because unfortunately, I may not ever have anyone to share any of this with and that is a fact for me and many of my friends, who who have a similar story.

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I’m picking up a lot of envy from guys toward successful, beautiful, together black women.

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@Chocolate Doll, you said something very profound…a lot of men are still ‘playing’, old ‘has been’ dogs out there still running game.

I know for a fact, it is some of the reason I, as a black woman, have a difficult time. I’ve even asked black male friends and co-workers and they’ve told me, you appear to have it together and most guys can look at you and know they can’t run the game so they don’t even bother…it’s like the Pheromones I give off say to men, I’m available but if you’re playing games, keep it moving…I really believe that!

I’ve opened myself to dating other races but I guess, everyone is quit ready for that as I’ve been on dating sites and emailed or ‘winked’ or ‘flirted’ with men of all races, most simply don’t respond.

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I agree with Voice of Reason #1, Corey, and Lwilliams.
I like Steve Harvey, but he is starting to replace Tyler Perry
as the face of the “chitlin’ circuit”.

First:
Dexter Manley recieved a degree and couldn’t read a sentence.
A Ph.D from UC Berkeley in mathematics heade for the hills of
Montana and became the Unabomber. Monica Lewinski interned
at the White House only to perform a sex act on a US President,
and an astronaut who graduated fron the US Naval Academy drove
across the country in diapers to kill her rival for her lover’s affections.

On the other hand, there’s Bill Gates (Microsoft), Larry Ellison
(Oracle), Dean Kamen (DEKA, FIRST Robotics Competitions),
Michael Dell (Dell Computers), and classic innovators and scientists
such as Galileo Galilei, Henry Ford, and Thomas Edison, who only
made it to the third grade. None of them had a college degree.

Having a college degree doesn’t automatically make you
“educated” or “successful”. How many convicted criminals have
college degrees? You only become successful after years of
work that contributes to society, and the US is becoming
alarmingly uneducated, as the populaity of Housewives of (f.i.t.b.),
American Idol, and “debates” such as this “Face-Off” one
suggests.

Second:
Education for males is not a priority in the modern AA household.
Political correctness, closet racism and self-loathing, along with
rural values such as “women-in-the-household-(i.e. classroom)-and
men-in-the-field-(i.e. sports)” have contributed to this problem.

Third:
You don’t mix business (career) with pleasure (relationships).
The latter is a WANT, the former is a NEED.

This “successful black women can’t find a man” NONSENSE
is part of the “Me First” plague that is sweeping the nation –
a “my personal problems belong to every one else” mentality
that destroys the objectivity that defines real professionals.

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Ugh, I’m soooooooo tired of hearing about this. Why don’t black women just find a man of ANOTHER RACE! There are perfectly good white, Asian, and Hispanic men out here who are open to interracial dating, that would make great husbands and fathers.

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Me too Sally!

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Morehouse would seem the logical place to be around to find an educated man; but if you are just one block from campus you stand a good chance of getting mugged. So where is the ’strong community of black men’? Where is a girl to stand when our cimmunity can range from the-best, to the-slum in less than two city blocks?!?

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Not sure why producers won’t populate the audience with Black men,to get another perspective. We’ve all heard from Black women (and “professionals”) regarding the incarceration rates, difference in education level, absence of fathers in the home, and feelings toward interracial dating. Can someone (besides Hill Harper) talk to Black men for a change? Otherwise, I cannot imagine learning anything new for this show. Let men answer the questions women have to avoid speculation.

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Is life not complete if you don’t have a man? I don’t think so. He is so concentrated on making this his issue, when it is not! Black successful women are happy with themselves, their family and their friends, leave them alone! He should concentrate on something more important like maybe mentoring young black men, enforcing Education, helping them to achieve goals, dressing with their pants up and not how inmates wear them. Keeping them out of Jail and from creating fatherless children. Let me quit I could go on.

Judgemental Joe forgive me if I spelled something wrong.

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The problem with you women who are single is simple, you don’t understand that no matter what the income difference is between you and a man, he is STILL the head of the house. My wife makes alot more money than me, but she understands that I am still the head of the house. I work 50 plus hours a week and she still makes more only working 40, but she does’nt throw it in my face or make me feel she is more important just because of this. If you want to stay single, keep on thinking like you are now, but if you want a good black man, take a hard look at how you act, and maybe you will find one like me.

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All I want to know is, now that Steve Harvey got rid of that helmet haircut, can he please get rid of that Magnum P.I. , handlebar moustache? Or at least grow some hair on his chinny, chin, chin, it is 2010 by the way.

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Here we go again…..another Steve Harvey (hen-pecked) series. Can we ever get a forum addressing the issues that black men face on a daily basis? In case anybody is watching, America has almost NO regard for the black male……except in sports and Tyler Perry movies!

Anyway, take a good look in ANY office today and you will see a PLETHORA of black women. Since employers would much rather hire a black women over a black man, this then translates into higher salaries and greater success for black women. Living in America, black women become distracted by white male dominance and their high salaries – then turn to their lowly black brotha and wonder what the hell is going on. Statistics show that black women are actually starting to earn more than white women on average. Now, it would be silly to assume that because I have a successful career that I should automatically have a successful relationship……..it’s just that women and men tend to be more aggressive when they achieve this success.

You see, white men knew (way back in the early 20th century), that if they kept money out of the hands of black men, they would be less attractive to white women……well, that trend continued and now black women are complaining. Due to this fact, black women have MUCH less respect for black men as white women have for their men. It’s funny how sistas complain about not being able to find a decent brotha, when at all of their gatherings they’re complimenting each other on their manipulation tactics. In case you didn’t realize it, a decent man can see through your manipulation a MILE away! Only thugs and bad boys will hang around for all that nonsense (b/c they don’t care). For the women who don’t have time for games, then maybe you need to broaden your scope if you want the ENTIRE package, b/c sadly their aren’t enough brotha’s with that package to go around. If your ONLY criteria is that a brotha be successful, then you’re probably (purposely) ignoring his other (more destructive) personality traits just so you can brag to your friends or enjoy a higher standard of living. That’s why black men with money are able to deceive you!

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@ Chocolate Doll, I’m a Spelman graduate and I finished 25 yrs ago this year and I think it is simply a sign of the times because there is a concentration of black men in one spot, you are bound to see what you describe as wanting what we want, LOL, but that is a sample of what is represented in Atlanta or many metro cities throughout the country. So that is another story all together…

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Chocolate Doll, did you just suggest that black men at Morehouse are also ‘looking for a good man’? Really?! Is Morehouse labeled as a D-L territory, or is the assumption that if a black man is educated he is somehow ‘less of a man’? Are educated black men regarded as ‘less-tough-thug’ If they are educated? Are we discouraging our young black boys from staying in school because we don’t consider this type of man as ‘good enough’?

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@itamazesme…Thanks for the back up…I’m so not racist and that’s not where I was going with my post at all. I’ve dated African, White, Jamaican, Trinidadian, Black, I date men, but I prefer American Black men because there’s a connection there that’s so powerful and loving when nurtured. I mentioned slavery because there is definitely a residual affect and it might deserve some looking into because we’re having such a problem connecting. There are a multitude of things going on, but it might have a root cause..the Elephant in the room. We need to deprogram some thoughts, some pains, some frustrations and reprogram for love and togetherness, for power and effectiveness, for family and community.

There’s a conditioning, a conspiracy, a programming that took place and that machine is still in place and we need to acknowledge it and deal with it. We just need to understand the psychological affects of what we deal with every single day in every aspect of our lives and then grow from it. We need to understand we come from the mightiest of the mighty. We need to understand the importance of leaving a legacy and partnering to do it. It’s not just a romantic notion, relationships are serious BUSINESS. Women need to build their self esteem and confidence and stop having babies by every man they meet (another subject), men need to understand the power in relationships (especially they power they gain) and stop chasing tail, that’s some leftover craziness to keep them from achieving the real deal.

There’s just so much…I think I appreciate what Steve Harvey is trying to do, I’m not of fan of his, but I appreciate anyone that’s truly and sincerely trying to build Black relationships. And NO, that has nothing to do with racism. And YES other groups have these issues for other reasons, but they don’t had the same struggles as we do. Every darn group in the world is against us, we gotta fight everybody…not literally, but some of you know what I mean. That mess gets tiring…can I come home to my Black man and love on him and he love on me, really? Is that too much to ask for? How was your day baby ((muah)) You know what I’m sayin’ (smile)

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Peaches….real men…would like a real woman like you!

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Reign- You are so right about so much! Truey inspiring to read what you have written. I think you are not being ‘racist’ when calling a spade, a spade. Are you are right the generations passed have ‘formed’ our culture now. Agree that if mothers were doing a ‘better’ job than we wouldn’t have so many problems lingering for years longer than nec. Remember back in the 60’s there was a great infuse on money being put into the ‘education of the colored race’; free schooling, room and board, books, etc. It was reported that there was two results. One was just like Kiso72’s mother… she added education to what was probably already a great mind; and we now get Kiso72 who seems husband material to the max to me. Then there was the other result, which unfortunately was most of the student that were considered under-priv, and got everything free, stayed in school on average only 3 semesters. Many did poorly the first semester, on probation second sem. and kicked out of grant programs by the third semester. The ‘whiteman-govm’t’ was burnt Bigtime on that program, and is not so likely to waste that kind of cash again in this market again. But, as I always say, “the library is Free, and my Mother took me there!”

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@T.Evette, AMEN to your last paragraph…and your last sentence!

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“from MiltonMan: SassyT, I know plenty of white women who marry “down” but I agree it is probably more difficult for Black women. Love & trust should be what is important – not the color of skin, money, car, etc. I have dated women of all races and I can truthfully say that most American women (black, white, asian, etc.) are more spoiled than women of other countries and their expectations are often too high.

MiltonMan, you have missed several points. Of course love and trust are important. These things are a given and don’t need to be said here. As an American, I have the right to have preferences and express them. Because I prefer a Black man, does not mean I hate white men. It simply means I like who and what I like (period). I did not inject money, car, etc. I talked about building a strong community. I think if you are of a certian age, and African-American, you most likely see yourself as part of a community in ways that other people of other racial groups may not, because they have not been forced to see themselves as or been defined by others as one (1) community. So, again, as an American, it is perfectly O.K. for me to prefer Black men just like white people who prefer other white people for dating and marriage. Not only is it O.K., it is normal. In the animal kingdom, you don’t see lions mating with elephants. For humans, if you want to marry someone of another race, again, that is your preference for that mate, hopefully not to the exclusion of someone who looks like you. That sould signal a different issue (perhaps self hatred)..

The problem with race and racism is not the preference, it is the preconceived, baseless notions about someones character, educational level, upbringing, based solely on their race. I often here people say, “oh. I don’t see race,” or, “I want to live in a color-blind society.” Well, that means you don’t see the whole person if you don’t see race. We were not all raised the same, or with the same cultural experiences. One person’s experiences are not better than anothers, just different (period). If we could all get past our suble and overt racism and prejudice (there is a difference between the two), then we would be free to “prefer” whomever want to prefer, without being wronglfully labelled as racist. When I see a white kid whose head is completely shaven, and with tatoos all over his visible body or with swastikas, I shouldn’t assume that he’s a skinhead and probably hates me and wants to harm me? I should just see him as some white kid with a clean shaven head and a bunch of tatoos. The Black kid walking around with his pants down just under his butt shouldn’t be seen as a thug/drug dealer with 12 babies from 12 different girls. He should just be seen as some Black kid with his pants down just under his butt. This is a little simplistic, but hopefully you get the point. Again, it is not the preference that is the problem with race in this country/world, but the preconceived notions we all have about eachother, based purely on a person’s race and nothing else.

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Thank you Reio and Amen T.Everette

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@ Kitty..
You took my comment waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy to the left. I said, “A LOT of them”, not all. Just damn…..
Think what you want to. I don’t know and don’t care to. I have nothing to prove to you. It’s your day, have at it…..

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@Chocolate Doll your point was understood with the Men of Morehouse comment at Kitty – If one is to take Kitty’s advice – the Men of Morehouse that would be intersted in women would still be almost obsolete unless you are a young woman still getting yours together in school. As the topic refers to successful black women – for them it would be robbing the cradle as the Morehouse men would be too young- so if you want to pull a cougar move – then go for it.

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[...] We talked about it for what seems like months but the discussion just won’t go away. Tonight “Nightline” is taping a special panel discussion on the subject featuring a veritable who’s [...]

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To Milton Man.

How am I racist? Society portray black males as the scum of the earth, meanwhile white guys are always the “law abiding citizens, who do no wrong”, especially in the news. You can lie and say it is not true if you want, but you know it is the truth! You can also say that black males can’t do the same as white males, because it will be viewed differently. Case in point, Tiger Woods. I know that he is not the only golfer that committed infidelity. If any of the other golfers had been in this same predicament, do you think that it would be this blown out of proportion?

With this said, I am just saying that black women should not crossover, just because they think that a white male will not treat them wrong.

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@Lwilliams…..Amen!

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pow, white men are always… Please tell me that you are not this ignorant. Do you not remember our last president – Bush. In the media, this guy could do nothing right. On the other hand, Obama is treated like royalty. Also, Tiger is bi-racial. The last time I checked he is 50% Asian; 50% black. Tiger is also married to a white woman & all of his affairs were with white women. Why are you not mad with him? Also, he was/is the number #1 golfer. Do you even know who John Daly is? Tell me that the press did not rip this guy apart.

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The problem with the black community is the church and religion. Instead of learning to be nice to each other and compassionate, which has nothing to do with religion or God, you allow a church to define what make a good mate. God fearing, doesn’t drink, etc… what’s that all about? The church divides people into two categories, good and bad. Any mature adult should know that “humans” don’t fall into either. Sometimes we do things that are bad and sometimes we do things that are bad, accept the whole person and learn to love both. When you learn to accept someone for what they are, learn to control you own emotions, quit trying to control another person, then you really do find God, and a mate.

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Beautiful – are you kidding us about your post on how a black woman would not put up with affairs while a white woman would??? Please explain in detail the following:

Mike Tyson & his marrigae to Robin Givens
Michael Jordan & his marriage to Juanita Vanoy
Evander Holyfield & his multiple marriages
Jesse Jackson & his marriage

All of these men had multiple affairs on the wives.

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t.Evette – Best thing I’ve read on THIS TIRED SUBJECT in a long time!

Sistah – Glad everything worked out for you. You took the time to examine yourself & made changes, but every single black woman is not like you were, with the attitude(for example, your soros that married seem like they didn’t have the same issues). I just have a problem with all of us sisters being stereotyped. But like I said, glad it all has worked out for you.

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As I read this blog, I am quite surprised by some of the comments, yet, I agree with many–especially those of “Lwilliams”, Dre, and paragraphs 3-5 of “reign’s” comments. I am a black woman who is very happily married to a black man, and we’ve had an awesome relationship for many years. My opinion is, and I usually always have one, that there are issues from both sides–the black man AND, the black woman. However, I don’t usually hear too many men complain about not being able to find a good black woman–a few–but not many. On the other hand, (and sisters don’t get mad), I hear too many women with issues complain about not being able to find a good black man. I was trying to provide some advice to a young woman the other day who told me that “she knows she has “mental” problems, but that she’s looking for someone who’s willing to HELP her through those problems–and she KNOWS that it CAN happen! Well, indeed, it CAN happen, but I know that it would be a helluva lot easier if she got HERSELF together first and not bring this drama into someone else’s life. If I were a man, I would not be interested in ANY woman who brings a lot of drama, materialistic ideals, debt and other issues into a relationship. WOMEN: Get yourselves together first–and that means spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, and the likes…Then wait for God to send you the man. I have had family members and friends to tell me that “she’s cute, but she’s got too much drama”. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being available, but, along with that–please be READY! I spoke with another woman who told me that “she is looking for someone to take care of her because she is tired of struggling”. But, as we continued talking, I learned that she was severely in debt, unemployed, not only was she unemployed, (because many ppl are these days–even those who are educated, etc. so don’t email me back about that…) but the skills she had were minimal. There was also LOTS and LOTS of baby daddy drama, and she eluded that she “likes nice things”. Now, I am not coming down hard on all women, but I am addressing this because I hear women complain about 3-5 times per week about not being able to find a good black man. My advice to you, again, is get yourself together first! Stop whining and looking for someone to carry you and your burdens and look to bring something to the table besides your knife and fork. Then, when your mate DOES find you, you will be whole or as close to it as possible. I hear too many women complain about men with issues, when our issues as women are similar. My husband and I work TOGETHER and the challenges that life sometimes brings us are shared between the two of us. We have a son, and I hope he will NEVER marry a woman who puts a strain on him to provide an assortment of material things so she can “feel” fulfilled and happy. Ladies, stop talking about your man to other women and putting them down in the beauty salon, etc. I realize that we all need to vent sometimes, but some of the comments I hear from women are from those who will admit that they do indeed have GOOD men. Stop taking advantage of a good man’s kindness and learn to do your part as well. And men–you don’t get by scott-free either. MAN UP, Darned it and stop making excuses for why you are behind in life–those of you that are! My motto is “As long as you’re still 6 feet UP, you still have another chance! Take advantage of the advice some of these good women are imparting and stop trying to be too macho to take advice from someone who’s trying to encourage you to become a better person. Everyone should note that it’s not about Money all the time….It’s about happiness, peace, joy, contentment, family and a stable life style. Learn to pray together and communicate often. Talk about those things that are a problem before they escalate into wounds that are difficult to heal. It works! My husband and I do it all the time. And lastly, for both sexes….LET GODDDD DO THE MATCH-MAKING! He sent me mine and I can tell you how I know it was God! If you have a close relationship with Him, you will be able to recognize His voice when He is speaking to you. But, some of us don’t stay quiet long enough to even hear. I know…I’ve been guilty of same, and I learned from my mistakes too. Scripture says “My sheep shall know my voice” PLEASE let God do the picking…We USUALLY make mistakes when WE do….

Take care, you-all, and I wish everyone a happy, healthy and wholesome life! If you want to chat with me more, please post to this blog and leave me your email address. And in the words of the famed “Jerry Springer”….Take care of yourselves….

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MiltonMan you missed my point. I stated my post the way I did because the initial post by “Consevative” wreaked of insinuations. Tiger and a couple of other loose cannons married white women because she’s under the misguided notion that white is better.

For the four you named, I believe those men caught hell for doing so, either physically, financially, mentally or emotionally in which I referenced. Not some babysitter incapable of even feeling a breeze on her face let alone her soulmate plays moving target

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Is it me or maybe the 6’5” good-looking, executive, well paid, brothers who are the desire of these women…don’t want ANY these woman as a mate, girlfriend or wife!

Sounds to me like these picky women have been picky for a long time and now are turning to nation TV as old news to get a date. It almost seems like they feel they are owed something because of their education and economic status. Please.

We all have seen these types of women a thousand times. They are the stuck up chicks at parties, grocery stores and the club waiting for some chump to wow them with materialistic toys. God I’m glad I’m married to someone who I love and loves me back-not for what we have or look like but for who we are. One of these women was a Falcons cheerleader, what man wants his wife shaking her tail feather for money! First thing Steve Harvey told those hens was how fine they were…are the beautiful people on the inside?

There are plenty of Postal Workers, mechanics and UPS drivers (some who make upwards of $70,000 per year) that these women would NEVER give a shot. The guys should be thankful.

Any woman who shows up for this event is a lonely desperate one. Fellas and ladies, there are good matches out there don’t let the media, talk show hosts and dumb women run game on you. Maybe they should have Tyler Perry dress up like Madea, hold a purse and sell “Medea Gets Married Too” for $5.99. They could get 5,000 to show up for that easily.

Steve Harvey and Michael Baisden are Jokes and get paid by perpetuating this foolishness. Quite easy to see why women follow these guys…they wear shinny suits (that are too big), exploit women by mesmerizing them with their gift of gab, and act like they have all the answers to all female problems (for money of course).

You know who else does that…a pimp.

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MiltonMan

April 9th, 2010
3:23 pm
Dew, I know more black men/women than you know white men/women.

No, you don’t.

I lived in predominantly white neighborhoods – like the other
95% or more of the black people in this country.
Before I was 18, I lived in three states in opposite ends of
this country, including Georgia.

Think before you write, please.

How was the question I asked “ignorant” ? Speaking of which, did
you ever watch a single episode of “The White Shadow” in the 80s?
Ken Howard (the “white shadow”) was the coach. Sheesh.

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ABM – one thing, though.

- If your and your wife love each other, there’s nothing wrong with
“shaking her tail feather for money”. There are a lot of married
people in that field.

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I’m married and my wife does not know how to cook I’ve voiced it plenty times to my wife her cooking still sucks till this day but I can live with it it’s not a deal breaker it’s things I’m sure she wishes I do better but at the end of the day it’s a compromise and neither sex wants to do that,if you want a woman watch his mother if u can’t even be half of her he’s not even thinking bout marrying you!

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Am I the only one who feels this is a tired topic? This is not an issue specific to black women. Women of all races go thru issues with dating/relationships. Men of all races go thru issues with dating/relationships…

Here’s my take: Love and respect yourself. Live your life to the fullest. And most important be open to a “good man”, not just a good “black” man. Race does not determine whether this is the best man/person for you.

So over this topic. And definitely not interested in the forum.

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Marie – Are you kidding me?

Has it ever occurred to you or any of these other brothers that opine this foolishness that it is GOD who is blessing us with these positions? This idea that white America is more willing to deal with us than white men is complete BS. I have moved up in my company for one reason and one reason only – the FAVOR OF GOD. I was promoted into the IT department because the God caused the Exec VP of HR in my company to move on my behalf. I had no significant contact with this woman and did not even realize she knew my name. If I were to run into her this day she probably would not even recognize me.

Ever think there might be a correlation between this kind of foolishness
and the “digital divide”?

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Native ATLien – Well said. I liked your post so much
I decided to cut and paste it again:

April 9th, 2010
4:27 pm
Am I the only one who feels this is a tired topic? This is not an issue specific to black women. Women of all races go thru issues with dating/relationships. Men of all races go thru issues with dating/relationships…

Here’s my take: Love and respect yourself. Live your life to the fullest. And most important be open to a “good man”, not just a good “black” man. Race does not determine whether this is the best man/person for you.

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@Kiso– I don’t know you or your mother, but you both sound like pretty amazing people. Kudos your mom for raising such a class act, and kudos for you for working hard for your place in life. Your proof-positive that parents have a profound effect on how their kids turn out.

For the record, I’m a 30-something, right-leaning white male. See, I know people don’t like to believe it, but there are white males that everyone doesn’t have to hate.

Keep it going, Kiso!!!!!

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So you’re saying that there is a PLETHORA of successful black women b/c they have God’s favor…….and black men don’t? So in YOUR spiritual world the fact that employers would rather hire AND promote a black women over a black man is nonsensical? Black women are a twofer when it comes to affirmative action…..black AND female. I honestly believe that God provides blessings to all who are faithful to Him, but the implication that that God FAVORS black women over black men is disingenuous.

You also attribute the success of black women to their MERE ATTENDANCE at church…….like simply sitting in the pews is going bring forth prosperity. I wonder how many of those women are in church LOOKING for a man……believing the long held myth that a God-fearing, church-going man is the best. Hmmmmmm, THAT’S why preachers NEVER have problems with their marriages! Yeah, right!

Listen, we can debate the effects of spirituality on success for black women, but one thing is clear……..black women are raised these days to be more self-sufficient. Add in some good old fashioned hiring quotas and you guys literally have success HANDED TO YOU.

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Thanks Regina……I forgot to mention that most gyms are FILLED with black men and white women…..what do you think is going to happen? Why do black women eat til their heart’s content, then turn around and get mad at a brotha for dating a white girl? Which is probably the same one he met AT THE GYM!

Hmmmmmm, do white women have more respect for their men b/c they (white men) don’t tolerate obesity? A black woman would rather criticize a black man for dating a more fit, and therefore, attractive woman (be it White, Hispanic, or Asian), than criticize HERSELF when she looks in the mirror……..YOU may want to ignore it, BUT WE WON’T!

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@atlkevin

Thank you for the kind words. God has showed me favor in my life because of my obedience and patience. My mother nurtured and raised me to be a man. Great to hear such words from a right-leaning man. Shows your heart and I appreciate the encouragement.

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I am married,older,Black, spouse is Black also,new to posting comments so forgive the typing,but here goes- first, I did not hear these women say ALL of these things you all are arguing about, I heard the “news” commentator doing most of the talking. I heard a lot of cutting and slicing of bits of conversations, sound bites, and superficiality, Our so called “news” en-fo-tain-ment media treated this topic the same way they treat every topic- they are only interested in ratings and “controversy” remember health care and the Tea Party, and now you all are arguing and taking pot shots at one another-like the slaves on Massa Lynch’s plantation. ABC news will move on to some other story laughing all the way to the bank. Everyone needs to be a healthy skeptic of how the news media presents any topic. While many of the comments here are good,entertaining and smart-some on this and other sites have been hurtful -why? This is like watching Black men and Black women in a circular firing squad- Who benefits?

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Oh, sorry, told you I was new to this, I was referring to the 42% Night line story, -also, I know many single Black women and the first thing that comes out of their mouth is not all this “blah,blah about no-good Black men” Their reasons for not marrying are as varied as each woman and cannot be summed up for a quickie news sound bite. Also any discussion in the Black community needs some light not just heat. We also need a plan. Don’t let the gray hair fool you, I have always liked “They smart” by Scarface. Too bad we don’t have more messages like that in music and rap today.

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Uh, Morehouse has 40 percent men on the D/L and dressing as women (dress code or not). Signed…Faculty member.

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It is almost comical to come to this forum (link sent by a friend) and witness people pointing fingers, and grouping all successful single black women together by using one or two unilateral reasons as to why we have not found a husband. I am willing to bet the reason that I am single, is different from the reason my neighbor two doors over is single; or my best friend on the opposite coast is single. And judging from the state of most marriages these days we actually might be the “blessed ones.” I am not a bitter single woman asking for someone to support me and keep me “blinged out.” I can do that for myself. I will cherish a life partner who provides me spiritual and mental support. I have dated outside of my race, and will continue to do so. If you haven’t figured out that you find the same people in every race just basically wrapped in a different package, that is so sad for you. Throughout history there have been women and men who have gone a lifetime without finding a mate. Singe women — enjoy your life. If your life mate comes — then he comes. Do not beat up on yourself and think that you are less than if a husband does not come along. Use your single time to do the things you love. And do not think that it is something that you are doing wrong that has kept you single — maybe it is something that you are doing right. Be blessed and live your life. And to the ALL the women and men out there “who know a good single brotha,” why don’t you introduce him to a good single woman. Maybe together you can solve this “problem.” We black women do not need another televised forum telling us what is “wrong” with us. Hey black men – how about telling a black woman what she is doing “right.”

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OMG I am SO sick of hearing about this!! Black women are not the only women who are single!! 51% of ALL American women are single and only 42.4% of black women are single! Why aren’t people talking about white or Hispanic or Asian women who are single? Honestly I’m tired of hearing about this! I’m tired of the pity party and men saying BW need to lower their expectations and all that other crap. And Steve Harvey are you joking? He’s not a relationship expert, why does he keep interjecting himself in these issues? I just want this to stop. Honestly.

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[...] truly was there to witness it all!  That’s right, people, the relationship revolution will be televised…tonight on [...]

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