Man wants to marry ‘porn-filled’ Apple laptop

Satire has been used to score political points since the times of Swift and Voltaire, but sometimes it’s just stupid.

In Florida, a man who is against the idea of gay marriage has filed a motion in a federal case saying those who love inanimate objects should get some legal love too.

Chris Sevier, allegedly a former judge advocate general and combat veteran, wants to marry his “porn-filled Apple laptop” according to the motion, says the Broward-Palm Beach New Times.

In the filing, Sevier says love was in the MacBook Air soon after Apple sold him a computer that did not shield him from pornography. “Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women,” said Sevier, who equates sex with love just like movie directors.

My laptop hasn’t shielded me from an endless stream of cat videos, but I’ve yet to fall in love with a cute animal or contact a lawyer.

This disgruntled gentleman seems to like lawsuits, however. He is presumed to be the same Chris Sevier that sued Apple for selling him a computer that lets him ogle porn and A&E for attempting to punish Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson.

And he may be the same attorney charged with aggravated stalking for emailing country musician John Rich “a picture showing a scantily clad Sevier draped in an American flag and covered in a substance believed to be representing blood,” writes The Tennessean newspaper.

Sevier, in the Florida motion, argues “sexual orientation” never existed as a legal classification until President Obama used his “social agenda to make America a ‘gay nation.’”

Fortunately for those who think the judicial system should be devoid of tomfoolery, the judge hearing the Florida case has temporarily given Sevier’s motion the boot.

“Perhaps the motion is satirical. Or perhaps it is only removed from reality. Either way, the motion has no place in this lawsuit,” the judge wrote.

I don’t know Sevier’s laptop, but she can clearly do better.

But it may be too late. On his Facebook page, Sevier, who likes dramatic poses, posted a pic of him and the object of his affection getting a marriage license.

Too bad she can’t force quit this relationship.

More news gleaned from Tuesday’s internet:

28 comments Add your comment

Don't Tread

May 6th, 2014
10:21 am

If only all frivolous lawsuits were dismissed just as quickly. I see the Jesse Jackson Travelin’ Race Baitin’ Show got shown the door recently too, but they should not be allowed to re-file that one.

Just Nasty

May 6th, 2014
10:33 am

Totally disgusting. People do not have any morals or decency anymore. This is proof of that.

joe

May 6th, 2014
10:47 am

Don’t forget, computers can get harmful viruses too, so she may not last too long, esp if he downloads something ridden with malware or some unknown killer computer virus.

George

May 6th, 2014
11:43 am

You know when people cannot distinguish between inanimate objects and human beings in their ‘arguments’ against two consenting adult human beings marrying, that their capability to reason is non-existent.

I still await a reasoned, logical, rational, legal argument as to why two non-related, consenting adult human beings should not be allowed to marry.

Me

May 6th, 2014
11:58 am

Wait until the pedophiles start demanding acceptance, and they will! They will use the excuse we have heard before. They were born that way, and cannot help it.

The Geezer

May 6th, 2014
12:01 pm

At least the computer won’t give him a sexually transmitted disease.

MoFaux

May 6th, 2014
12:06 pm

What’s next? People like the poster “Me”, above, seeking federal assistance for being incredibly stupid? You know, since he was just born that way and can’t help it?

ww3

May 6th, 2014
12:07 pm

The Geezer – At least the computer won’t give him a sexually transmitted disease. – but it may give him a virus

jungle jim

May 6th, 2014
12:08 pm

He “may be” someone else? What kind of reporting is this? Get the facts, or don’t write. AJC must be having trouble finding good writers.

Drago

May 6th, 2014
12:43 pm

Why doesn’t he just elope to San Francisco where it’s legal?

Jack Mehoff

May 6th, 2014
12:54 pm

Trying to marry a laptop of nudiess can be a sticky situation. Someone is likely going to get hosed.

Jack Mehoff

May 6th, 2014
1:02 pm

Its kind of like marrying Madonna, only without getting STDs.

armydawg

May 6th, 2014
1:35 pm

How can the government stand between someone and love? Isnt that what gays say?

Brace4impactz

May 6th, 2014
1:36 pm

George, based on the information we have on this guy and regardless of his rantings, I wouldn’t be too hasty to classify his laptop as a “she”.

Sam Iam

May 6th, 2014
1:56 pm

It’s His Sexual Orientation…

George

May 6th, 2014
3:47 pm

Seems “armydawg” cannot distinguish between inanimate objects and human beings either.

“Gays” are human beings, ‘dawg. Laptops are not.

BK37

May 6th, 2014
3:57 pm

It never ceases to amaze me how people who are opposed to gay marriage will bring up pedophilia, beastiality, and all other nonsense as their argument.

LegolasMirkwood

May 6th, 2014
4:05 pm

Is it a corporate laptop >>> Because, corporations are people too.

CadillacRanch

May 6th, 2014
4:09 pm

Seems “armydawg” cannot distinguish between inanimate objects and human beings either.
——————–
What do you expect from someone who is dumb enough to join the army? It’s optional, dude. You’re not going to get drafted!

Blair

May 6th, 2014
5:11 pm

What you Libs don’t seem to get is the exact same “they should be allowed to marry if it makes them happy” argument that you use for gay marriage can be used to justify almost any type of marriage, including to a computer. That’s the point this guy is trying to make.

BK37

May 6th, 2014
5:19 pm

Let’s review this once again for the mentally challenged:

1. Two gay people are living, breathing individuals. A computer is not.

2. A minor cannot consent to a marriage. Just had to get that out of the way in case someone else comes back with the “what’s to stop someone from marrying a child?” argument.

Bumper

May 6th, 2014
9:14 pm

In our new age, anything goes culture it is only a matter of time until marriage to inanimate objects is legally recognized. We’re nearly there. When the time comes I cannot decide whether I want to wed my car or my lawn mower.

LadyGAGADawg

May 6th, 2014
10:47 pm

The LGWRCVMPOKJBPQWAZXYTRMVBOPT crowd needs to get behind this guy and give him their support. After all, they said it was about nothing but “equality” for everyone, and this is equality for him. Otherwise, they are hypocrites and bigots !

xxx

May 7th, 2014
8:59 am

Well, right now we are all equal, any man can marry any woman and vice versa. As soon as that changes to marry anyone, that is called being fair.

Blair

May 7th, 2014
9:33 am

BK37 and other Libs, so for us mentally challenged folks…two adults, no matter the gender, should be allowed to marry. Is that your position?

Why do YOU get to place restrictions on who should be able to marry? What about plural marriage? How do you get to be the arbiter of what’s marriage and what isn’t?

You see, we all draw the line somewhere. A lot of us draw the line where it’s been drawn throughout human history, and with basic biology on our side. You want to re-draw it based on YOUR morality, and anyone who opposes you is bigoted/(fill in the blank)phobic, etc.

Freebird

May 7th, 2014
2:55 pm

Even though I am not all that conservative in my personal life I used to think that gay marriage was a dumb idea. I couldn’t really explain why I felt that way other than the fact that we picked on gay kids in school and being gay was generally regarded as un-cool, so therefore gay people should not have access to all of the same normal things as straight people, marriage being one of those institutions.
I felt this was when I was in my 20’s, as a working adult, college graduate and everything. I laughed and thought John Smotlz was smart when he said “what’s next? people are going to marry their pets?”
Now I look back on that and I still remember picking on gay kids in school the same way. I don’t feel guilty or embarrassed or anything. I mean gay people act different. They talk differently and have trouble picking up heavy objects. They are awkward in some social situations and when they do it nothing happens (as far as procreation).
But now that I am more mature and I am comfortable with my own life I realize that it is really childish and selfish and immature to try to prevent two consenting adults from getting married. I would be insane to think that I have any more right to marry the person I love than some other guy does just because he loves a man instead of a woman. I mean how does it hurt me if a guy wants to marry a guy? Not at all? Not even a little bit. It affects me not at all. I don’t want to be romantic with a dude, but I also don’t want to be romantic with some 300-lb trailer trash woman either. And I am not trying to tell guys they can’t marry their girlfriends because they are too fate or too ugly. It’s not for me, but if it’s for you – whatever gender, race, religion, nationality it is – go for it. I’ve got better things to do than try to stand in your way.

JD

May 13th, 2014
1:21 am

Ah so funny, a bigot hurting his own cause by showing stupidity. Without bigots to poke fun at comedy just wouldn’t be the same. Keep it coming!

Derek

May 13th, 2014
1:23 am

Anyone who opposes gay marriage should fight to make divorce illegal. Why won’t you? That’s right, it would be inconvenient. Enjoy fighting a losing battle though.