Georgia drivers among the worst in U.S.
Have you humans ever heard the line "if you love something, set it free?" (AJC file photo, fashionable panda accessory added via Photoshop)
It’s not Christmas quite yet, but avid readers of this space will be getting an early gift — after a bit of time off I am working 9 of the next 10 days.
So, buckle up for a joyous magical ride the likes of which even Rudolph has never seen.
Quite a bit of news has transpired since my last work of prose so let’s get right to the serious business of dissecting semi-current events.
- Georgians aren’t the worst drivers in the U.S., according to a new report that seems about as trustworthy as that dude using the wrong blinker while talking on the cellphone and downing a Breakfast Burrito as he merges onto I-285. Georgia ranks 14th on this naughty list, and, as usual, we are better than any other state in the South, which, according to the study, drives like I wrap Christmas gifts. Louisiana is home of the worst drivers, followed by South Carolina, Mississippi, Texas, Alabama and Florida. North Carolina is 8th and Tennessee is 13th. The best drivers are in Vermont, New Hampshire and other states chock full of ice, snow and Yankees.
- You may know by now that Zoo Atlanta’s panda twins were mistakenly identified as boys, but did you hear they are thinking of changing the name of one of them to Shirley, slapping a corsage on its pelt and awarding its relatives airport contracts? No? Me either.
- China has landed on the moon and reportedly found no sign the U.S. visited 44 years ago. Just kidding, but wouldn’t that be a great conspiracy theory? Feel free to launch that one when you see your black helicopter-fearing Uncle Jesse this holiday season.
- Looking for a perfect gift for the aforementioned Uncle Jesse? Consider incandescent light bulbs, which will be almost impossible to find by July of 2014, says Home Depot. Federal law forbids the import and manufacture of the ancient, energy-hungry devices that provide perfect lighting.
- An Italian protester is accused of sexual assault after kissing a riot police officer’s face shield. Nina De Chiffre, 20, is guilty of “sexual violence and insulting a public official” said a police union official. De Chiffre said she was trying to encourage a violent reaction from the officer. ”[The kiss was] no peace message,” she wrote on Facebook. “I would hang all these disgusting pigs upside down.”
- After her husband’s death, an Oregon woman, 65, tries to find the son she gave up for adoption 45 years ago and learns he died in the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland in 1988. “I found him and I lost him on the same day,” said Carol King-Eckersley.
- The federal government pays John Hopkins University scientists to skin rats, electrically stimulate their genitals and freeze their tissue. The sexual health studies are “cruel and trivial,” says PETA, and suggests the millions in funding be pumped into a cardiovascular research program that has been bled dry of funding.
- The U.S. has so many federal laws no one can accurately count them. The Justice Department, which has to keep track of such things, undertook “the laborious counting” of scattered statutes “for the express purpose of exposing the idiocy” of the system, says a retired federal official in The Wall Street Journal. “There is no one in the United States over the age of 18 who cannot be indicted for some federal crime,” said John Baker, a retired Louisiana State University law professor who has also tried counting the number of new federal crimes created in recent years. “That is not an exaggeration.” In related news, sheriffs are refusing to enforce federal gun laws.
- Colorado lawmakers are worried there’s not going to be enough marijuana to meet demand when the plant is legally allowed to be sold Jan. 1 and violence will erupt as people wait in huge lines in freezing temperatures while holding enormous sums of cash. A quick solution would be to let people buy weed on Amazon via the new Kindle Bong.
BREAKING FLUFF: The AJC is giving away free Georgia Lottery T-shirts to the daily winner of our Eye For News game, which I am told was designed and created by a cool dude. To win you have to have the high score at 1 pm. The contest is being held this week, Monday to Friday from 11 am to 1 pm. Good luck! Here’s a pic of the shirt …