Archive for December, 2013

Unwise driver caught with frankincense, myrrh, weed

The unwise man from the east, presumably Long Island. (Horry County Jail)

The unwise man from the east, presumably Long Island. (Horry County Jail)

Ho ho hello!

On this day in debatable history, it is said wise men traveled great distances to give baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Gold is still valuable, but the other two are aromatic oils from trees that can be replaced with a squirt of Febreze.

But police know the incense is frequently used to mask the telltale odor of marijuana.

Motorist Alain Cassagnol, 19, learned that after Myrtle Beach police with working noses found frankincense, myrrh and marijuana in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz.

Cassagnol was traveling a bit faster than the average camel — 103 mph in a 45 mph zone, according to a police report on The Smoking Gun.

The driver admitted to having marijuana in the car when police asked, and was booked for simple possession of 5.4 grams.

Cassagnol, whose Pinterest page advises followers to “stay high” and features an image of a “crazy blunt,” was released Monday, within 3 hours of …

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Obama to pay $400 a month for Obamacare

President Barack Obama explains the advantages of almost-universal healthcare while visiting Mid Pacific Country Club in Kailua, Hawaii, Monday, Dec. 23, 2013. (Cory Lum/Pool/Abaca Press/MCT)

President Barack Obama explains the advantages of almost-universal healthcare while visiting Mid Pacific Country Club in Kailua, Hawaii, Monday, Dec. 23, 2013. (Cory Lum/Pool/Abaca Press/MCT)

Santa may be delayed as millions of American parents try to beat the midnight deadline to obtain healthcare coverage under the Affordable Care Act.

Those who sign up by Christmas Day are eligible for coverage beginning Jan. 1, which is a big deal for those with preexisting medical conditions.

Those without insurance who miss the deadline can sign up anytime before March 31, but coverage will delayed. If you don’t sign up by March 31, you may be fined when you file your taxes.

If you already have healthcare insurance, you are exempt.

President Obama, as might be expected, has really good insurance with the U.S. military,  but over the weekend he was signed up for a “bronze” plan and will pay $400 a month. The president’s annual salary of $400,000 makes him ineligible for subsidies.

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News to Me: A weird year in review

The truth will not set you free, but it will send you from a nice job in Hawaii to a winter in Moscow. (Getty Images)

The truth will not set you free, but it did send Edward Snowden from a nice job in Hawaii to a winter in Moscow. (Getty Images)

As 2013 wanes, journalists everywhere are doing their best to appear busy.

The Associated Press has rolled out its annual “Story of the Year” list, and in my opinion, they get it wrong when they say “the glitch-plagued rollout of President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul was the top news story of 2013.”

Sure, that’s a big story, but did anyone think that was going to go smoothly? If you did, you must not be paying attention to how government operates.

What should have been No. 1? How about the federal government apparently violating the Constitution and spying on millions of Americans?

The Edward Snowden bombshell ranks No. 4 on AP’s list.

The Healthcare.gov website will eventually be fixed, but the myth of “privacy” has been exposed. Thankfully, a former CIA chief tasked with fixing the NSA has the solution — more spying on Americans is …

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Billboard honoring Mandela shows Morgan Freeman

The photos of Gandhi, Mother Teresa and MLK are correct. (Photos by Twitter user @Samanth_S)

The photos of Gandhi, Mother Teresa and MLK are correct. (Photos by Twitter user @Samanth_S)

A lot of people don’t know this, but I share a spirit with Nelson Mandela.

Many years ago I went to the fair and a fortune teller who never foresaw her life as a toothless carny revealed this cosmic truth.

After paying $5, I became a better person immediately, so I guess it was worth it.

My girlfriend learned she shared the spirit of Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister. At the time, with “We’re Not Gonna Take It” blaring on car stereos everywhere, I felt like she had the cooler spirit force in her corner.

Mandela later won a Nobel Peace Prize, became the first black president of South Africa and, upon his death, has almost been declared a saint, despite his controversial past.

Now that Mandela is gone, I need a new spirit partner, of course, and, according to a billboard in India, I’m thinking it should be Morgan Freeman.

The U.K.’s Metro reports an Indian businessman keen on honoring Mandela …

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Study: Husbands need to be right to be happy

This is what happens to agreeable husbands. (Image from British Medical Journal)

This is what happens to agreeable husbands. (Image from British Medical Journal)

Science has had a good year.

It is possible to make petroleum products out of algae, there’s 100 billion planets in our tiny corner of the universe and researchers can control other human’s brains via the Internet.

That all sounds important, but will those developments improve your life in 2014?

Probably not, though I am going to set my aquarium back up and hope that algae to gasoline thing is true.

Fortunately, researchers in England are working on maximizing human happiness.

A whimsical Christmas study in the British Medical Journal concludes husbands need to be right to be happy.

Researchers conducted the study on just one couple, a woman who “would rather be right” and a “passive” husband.

Unbeknownst to his wife, the husband was instructed by researchers to ” agree with his wife’s every opinion and request without complaint. Even if he believed the female participant was wrong, the male was …

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Woman living ‘off the grid’ faces eviction

Robin Speronis, in red, speaks to the crossed arms of the law outside her home in Florida. (Image from Fox4now.com)

Robin Speronis, in red, speaks to the crossed arms of the law outside her home in Florida. (Image from Fox4now.com)

The Declaration of Independence says Americans have certain “unalienable rights,” including “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

Those words were written by a fellow that didn’t have running water or electricity in his home — Thomas Jefferson.

After Jefferson’s wells ran dry he began capturing rainwater that ran off the roof of his house, which is pretty much what a Florida woman, Robin Speronis, of Cape Coral, is doing.

The day after a local TV station ran a story about Speronis’ “off the grid” lifestyle, city code enforcement officers declared the home “unfit” for human habitation.

That probably never happened at Jefferson’s Monticello.

Cape Coral code enforcement officers somehow made this determination without venturing inside the home. There’s a good chance they just looked at the water bill for that address and realized the city monopoly had been …

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Zimmerman painting on eBay up to $100,000

Zimmerman won't be feeling blue if the painting sells for $100,000. (Image from eBay)

Zimmerman won't be feeling blue if the painting sells for $100,000. (Image from eBay)

Former murder defendant George Zimmerman may have found a lucrative new career as an artist.

A painting by Zimmerman is currently up for auction on eBay and last I checked the bid was up to $100,000. You can buy all kinda fake police equipment with that kind of money.

A Florida TV station is reporting the painting, called “America,” is legit.

I am not an art critic but I’d say it is well done, though it looks like something you’d find on a T-shirt, not in a museum.

It is 18 by 24 inches on canvas and signed. The medium is not specified.

Bidding started four days ago at 99 cents and 98 bidders quickly raised the price to $99,000. Are these are real bidders with real money? There’s no way of knowing.

The listing’s description says the artwork is the “First hand painted artwork by me, George Zimmerman. Everyone has been asking what I have been doing with myself. I found a creative, way to …

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UPS delivers Christmas gift to trash can

Many of Santa's helpers wear brown. (AP Photo)

Many of Santa's helpers wear brown. (AP Photo)

The legendary productivity of Santa’s elven sweatshop is unmatched by regulated industry, but UPS and other delivery drivers certainly try.

But it can be a bit of an Easter Egg hunt to find where the UPS drivers leave packages during the busy holiday season.

Just the other day I was sipping some nog and wondering why the fancy computer doodad I’d ordered online had yet to deck my halls with boughs of jolly. I went to the NewEgg website and a note there said my order was “left on porch.”

Since I live in DeKalb, I assumed it had been pawned. But, after shuffling around some bags of leaves my wife keeps telling me to drag to the curb, I found the boxes.

A Missouri mom was not so lucky.

Tracey Sole told a local TV station she saved up to buy her daughter an Android tablet and was shocked to find a UPS notice in her mailbox saying the gift was deposited “in black trash can.”

The tablet, and her garbage, were both missing.

She believes …

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Man, 86, chokes on steak before claiming sex prize

Johnny Orris (Photo from HowardStern.com)

Johnny Orris lived large. (Photo from HowardStern.com)

An 86-year old carnivore choked on steak and died mere hours before his carnal desires were sated by adoring prostitutes, reports The New York Daily News.

Johnny Orris, 86, won a “Get my Grandpa Laid” contest concocted by radio host Howard Stern to promote the Johnny Knoxville movie “Bad Grandpa.”

The retired farmer was in Nevada and planning to sow what may have been his final oats at the famed Bunny Ranch.

Prior to his scheduled 9 p.m. foray with prostitutes Caressa Kisses and Rain Riches, Orris and his grandson Ed decided to enjoy a nice meal. Just a few bites into his steak, Orris choked and died, said Bunny Ranch owner Dennis Hof.

“Johnny said that he was prepping for the ‘Super Bowl of Sex,’ ” said Hof. “And he never got there.”

Orris, from Illinois, had lived alone since his wife died 11 years ago.

“The guy was so full of life,” said Ed, who was consoled by the ladies with a freebie.

More sad news:

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Georgia drivers among the worst in U.S.

Have you humans ever heard the line "if you love something, set it free and give it a no-bid airport contract?" (Hideously manipulated AJC file photo)

Have you humans ever heard the line "if you love something, set it free?" (AJC file photo, fashionable panda accessory added via Photoshop)

It’s not Christmas quite yet, but avid readers of this space will be getting an early gift — after a bit of time off I am working 9 of the next 10 days.

So, buckle up for a joyous magical ride the likes of which even Rudolph has never seen.

Quite a bit of news has transpired since my last work of prose so let’s get right to the serious business of dissecting semi-current events.

  • Georgians aren’t the worst drivers in the U.S., according to a new report that seems about as trustworthy as that dude using the wrong blinker while talking on the cellphone and downing a Breakfast Burrito as he merges onto I-285. Georgia ranks 14th on this naughty list, and, as usual, we are better than any other state in the South, which, according to the study, drives like I wrap Christmas gifts. Louisiana is home of the worst drivers, followed by South …

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