‘Aporkalypse’ Now: Feral bacon menaces Texas

Attempts to assimilate the pigs into Texas society have met with some success. (AJC file photo from non-ridiculous story)

Attempts to assimilate the pigs into Texas society have met with some success. (AJC file photo from non-ridiculous story)

The list of people who don’t like bacon is shorter than Tom Cruise without trick photography. But, that list is growing in Texas, a state being overrun by feral pigs.

According to The Guardian, which must have taken a break from destroying hard drives, wild hogs are decimating agriculture and “blighting suburban areas” in the Lone Star state.

Nature’s tastiest creature is everywhere — even in downtown Dallas — where the plague of pigs is accused of rooting 3-foot deep ditches throughout a park.

“They kill, in a sense, the ground – you’d think a machine had come through,” says city of Dallas employee Kevin Acosta.

In Houston, an estimated 15,000 hogs live in one park.

How can such a heavily-armed populace allow so much destruction by free bacon? Because there’s some silly little law on the books that says you can’t fire a gun in the city limits of most cities, even if you are trying to defend humanity from brazen animal attacks.

Houston refused to allow archers, even those with years of D&D and/or LARP experience, from hunting in the park and donating the meat to the homeless.

Let me be the first to state publicly that when the Zombie Revolution (or Robot Revolution, whichever comes first) happens, humanity will unshackle itself from this and other oppressive limitations.

Instead of allowing a quick, tasty and effective “Shootout at the BBQ Corral” authorities are using taxpayer funds to pay trappers to set traps and capture the delicious beasts alive. How much is this costing? No telling. The Guardian dropped the ball on that one.

Dallas has created a “task force,” which I am sure has the pigs worried. If I had a dollar for every time a task force failed to do anything other than make people on the task force feel important, I’d have enough to pay taxes for another pig trapper.

Meanwhile, scientists say there’s up to 3.4 million of the animals rooting up stuff right now in Texas. About 750,000 wild pigs are “harvested” each year. As a former farm hand tasked with removing the masculinity of various types of domesticated beasts, I can tell you that’s not going to cut it. Experts say the pig population is growing 16 percent each year, roughly doubling every 5 years.

Too bad Everest Institute doesn’t offer a “Pig Trapping Certificate of Completion.”

23 comments Add your comment

lord of the flies

August 23rd, 2013
9:54 am

*first… They should allow archers and feed the homeless. Live trapping means they are relocating them. It’s moving the problem from one area to another.


August 23rd, 2013
9:57 am

Must be a liberal city government.

George Mathis

August 23rd, 2013
10:00 am

They are trapping and slaughtering the pigs, not relocating them.


August 23rd, 2013
10:15 am

Bureaucrats, Mr. Mathis, this is the “work” of bureaucrats, the bane of logic, reason, and whatever used to remain of the American way. I’ll bet those damned pigs are terrified of those task forces, though, by golly!


August 23rd, 2013
10:22 am

@ me–show me a (big) city government that isn’t liberal and I’ll show you a 15′ long bass I caught yesterday.


August 23rd, 2013
10:26 am

I’m surprised some of those pigs have not been elected to office yet.

Probably too smart.

Washington D.C. - Pork Central

August 23rd, 2013
10:33 am

When I saw the title I thought it was going to be about the latest budget proposal from the two-headed warfare/welfare party. Nobody likes pork like a Washington politician.


August 23rd, 2013
10:37 am

Yet many want to do away with USDA-Wildlife Services…..


August 23rd, 2013
11:03 am

Yet many want to do away with USDA-Wildlife Services…..

Which has nothing whatsoever to do with this story. What this story is about is the liberal/PETA mentality that prevents nuisance animals from being terminated and eaten. It is the same mentality that keeps liberals wringing their hands over the coyotes in Atlanta. When they cause problems, we hear “keep you dogs and cats and babies inside” instead of plugging the nuisance animal with a 22lr the way any sensible person would have done 30 years ago.

To the politicians and police who can’t come to grips with the problem: lead or get out of the way. There are plenty of us who are NOT wringing our hands over these problems. We can solve it in short order. No, PETA is not going to like the solution.


August 23rd, 2013
11:31 am

Let the pigs pay the pig tax!

Jimmy B

August 23rd, 2013
11:31 am

750,000 new voters for the dem/liberal election…oink..
Anthony Weiners pig orgy pics coming soon


August 23rd, 2013
11:33 am

Yeah, Texas…Dallas…liberal myazz. Texas, like Florida is one screwed up red state

Bill Clinton's Love Child

August 23rd, 2013
11:49 am

I think the folks in Houston and Dallas should relo the little piggies to a more appropriate place. Austin would be a good choice.

Rafe Hollister

August 23rd, 2013
12:28 pm

Don’t worry about Texas, South Georgia is just as overrun, with these porcine bandits destroying crops and irrigation equipment.

BTW, most of them are so tough and rank, the folks in S GA just throw them in a ditch, rather than bother with cleaning them. Some of the younger ones are more tasty however.

Kurt in Atlanta

August 23rd, 2013
12:28 pm

Have you ever been to Houston? Much of it is densely populated – hence the prohibition of firing weapons in the city limits. Anyone with a whit of common sense could see that nothing good can come of allowing hunters – who shoot and kill each other regularly even when wearing orange gear – to shoot feral pigs in Houston parks. Good grief … do you read what you write before publishing it? Don’t you have an editor?

The fact is that the pigs are being safely (for people) trapped and killed. And the comments suggesting that this is some kind of liberal issue? Only if liberal is synonymous with common sense. Which, by the way, it usually is.


August 23rd, 2013
12:42 pm

“…law on the books that says you can’t fire a gun in the city limits of most cities,…”

The irony just jumps off the page. Houston’s violent crime rate exceeded the national large city violent crime rate by 144.29% (2010), which suggests they’re not doing such a hot job of enforcing the ‘no gun firing’ law. I say turn the gun and bow hunters loose on the piggies and put all that meat to good use.

Will Jones - Atlanta Jeffersonian Exegesis

August 23rd, 2013
2:31 pm

“Causeless the curse shall not come.”

Could not happen to a more deserving state and pair of cities with their having helped the CIA get away with assassinating President Kennedy to send us to Vietnam, restore RothschildZionism’s Fed Scam on their lies, and allow Rockefeller-lackey and JFK-assassin GHW Bush and his homosexual psychopath son to advance in politics to be foisted off on the American People as “presidents,” to commit the NAFTA and 9/11 treasons.

Thank G-d we live in the prophet Martin Luther King’s hometown, Atlanta, Georgia: He didn’t lick “It” off the wall.


August 23rd, 2013
3:17 pm

these are clearly illegal pigs. we should ask them to self deport themselves


August 25th, 2013
12:37 pm

Simple solution: Move our pork loving Congress to Texas for one session. Those pigs wouldn’t stand a chance!


August 25th, 2013
5:51 pm

A Perilous Piggy’s PETA Poem

This lil’ piggy went to market.

This lil’ piggy went home.

This lil’ piggy became a BLT.

And Paula Dean said “Heavenly!”

But folks who ate began to oink!

Some got fat and some did stoink!

Their skin became as tough as nails

And strong deodorants did totally fail.

Then Mother Nature said “They’re MINE!

On feral piggies you shall NOT dine!”

So piggies all were pleased as punch

And used PETA food stamps to get their lunch.

There must be a moral moment in this story…

If there is, please share with me the hidden glory!.


August 26th, 2013
6:51 am

Lard-ons season the political pot.


August 26th, 2013
3:47 pm

Its not just Texas, Georgia also has a huge problem with them. Unfortunately, what will eventually happen is a bug like swine flu will sweep through these animals, rendering produce and vegetables inedible from these areas, and infecting the human population, and then maybe the liberals will finally wake up and change the laws to allow feral hog population control, e.g. SHOOT THEM ON SIGHT.


August 29th, 2013
11:14 am

The pigs are over-running Texas because they have no idea what to do with them. I’ve been to countless ‘barbecues’ out there that only had beef and chicken on the menu. I bet Charlotte or Memphis or Atlanta (or Kansas City even) would never have this problem. Just because you cook it over coals don’t make it barbecue.