‘God particle’ revealed day after new pope announced

Smashing stuff isn't just for children. (CERN)

Smashing stuff isn't just for kids and drunks. (CERN)

Scientists said Thursday, the day after a new pope was announced, they are confident they have found the alleged “God particle.”



Physicists akin to those Big Bang Theory nerds (only they really know how math works) at The European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) said “it is clear that we are dealing with a Higgs boson though we still have a long way to go to know what kind of Higgs boson it is.”

Which may make you wonder what is this Higgs boson stuff?

After much research, I have concluded it is not spelled bosom and has nothing to do with a woman’s chest.

A boson is a type of subatomic particle that briefly reveals itself after scientists smash together protons traveling at the speed of light (see photo insert). Peter Higgs, a British scientist, posited bosons existed in the 1960s.

Europe, which is not exactly rolling in dough, has spent more than $13 billion trying to find this subatomic particle at the underground, 17-mile long circular lab known as the Large Hadron Collider.

One question scientists are trying to answer is a very old one. What is the universe made of?

A long time ago, in ancient Greece, where they did not have cable or other ways to waste time, they stood around talking about useful things. About 500 years before Jesus, one guy named Democritus, who also thought Democracy was a good idea, theorized everything was made of atoms so small you can’t break them into smaller parts.

Plato thought this idea was so stupid he wanted all of Democritus’ writings burned.

But, a mere 2,500 years later (thanks Middle Ages!), scientists figured out there are 17 types of particles that are indivisible, including the boson. Everything in the known universe is, ultimately, made of these particles.

Many of the 17 particles are theoretical, but Thursday, scientists said they are sure the boson actually exists. And learning more about the boson may explain why things that seem to have no mass (like photons) are affected by gravity.

Now, if they could only figure out dark energy and dark matter.

Get busy CERN, don’t think just because you invented the World Wide Web you can rest on your Nobels.

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