Atlanta ranked 7th ’smuttiest city”

The seedy underbelly of Atlanta is clearly outlined in this foggy photo. (John Spink/AJC)

Atlantans love many things — efficient transportation systems, hockey, quality public education and honest, hard-working government servants — just to name a few.

But porn?

Avert thine eyes chaste city dweller, our fair city has been besmirched by Men’s Health magazine, which names Atlanta as the 7th “Smuttiest City In America.”

I’ve traveled a fair bit, I’ve been as far north as Memphis, and I find the list as shocking as a badly wired Hitachi Magic Wand.

Orlando, a modern day Sodom and/or Gomorrah if ever there was one, placed first. Why? Probably because the rankings look at the number of porn movies rented, purchased or streamed, and that central Florida town doesn’t have many things for visitors to do, though I’ve not visited since 1970 when we forced granny into a “home.”

Other criteria for the “statistical peephole” included the number of adult entertainment stores, the rate of porn searches by randy residents and the percentage of Cinemax-subscribing households.

Here’s the Top 10 List of Smuttiest Cities, along with prudish invective.

1. Orlando, Florida: We’ve already gone over this, but perhaps Minnie Mouse should consider a smock instead of that polka-dotted micro-mini.
2. Las Vegas, Nevada: Sin City. Not only do they allow gambling, but those who rent a car can visit the state’s 28 sex ranches. Try to get there before the Secret Service line forms (8 a.m.)
3. Wilmington, Delaware: Men’s Health misspelled Delaware, but fortunately for you, dear reader, I have corrected them. Unfortunately, I’ve never been there.
4. Raleigh, North Carolina: What do you think all those college students are researching in the “Research Triangle?”
5. Charlotte, North Carolina: Our enemies to the north have surpassed us yet again! First the NASCAR museum and now this!? OUTRAGE!
6. Minneapolis, Minnesota: Garrison Keillor’s sexy voice and raunchy radio program has had a deleterious effect on this once-honorable community.
7. Atlanta, Georgia: Alert your politicians, it’s time to go in 110% on “family values.”
8. Tampa, Florida: The decline of the cigar industry has forced many to seek other lines of employment.
9. Anchorage, Alaska: The chill wind of prudish modesty has yet to preserve the souls of these tainted former Russians.
10. Austin, Texas: They have bats, a thriving tech industry and a penchant for the tawdry, clearly. I suggest building a wall around every sex shop.

* Read the complete article at Men’s Health.