Atlanta ranked 7th ’smuttiest city”

The seedy underbelly of Atlanta is clearly outlined in this foggy photo. (John Spink/AJC)

The seedy underbelly of Atlanta is clearly outlined in this foggy photo. (John Spink/AJC)

Atlantans love many things — efficient transportation systems, hockey, quality public education and honest, hard-working government servants — just to name a few.

But porn?

Avert thine eyes chaste city dweller, our fair city has been besmirched by Men’s Health magazine, which names Atlanta as the 7th “Smuttiest City In America.”

I’ve traveled a fair bit, I’ve been as far north as Memphis, and I find the list as shocking as a badly wired Hitachi Magic Wand.

Orlando, a modern day Sodom and/or Gomorrah if ever there was one, placed first. Why? Probably because the rankings look at the number of porn movies rented, purchased or streamed, and that central Florida town doesn’t have many things for visitors to do, though I’ve not visited since 1970 when we forced granny into a “home.”

Other criteria for the “statistical peephole” included the number of adult entertainment stores, the rate of porn searches by randy residents and the percentage of Cinemax-subscribing households.

Here’s the Top 10 List of Smuttiest Cities, along with prudish invective.

  1. Orlando, Florida: We’ve already gone over this, but perhaps Minnie Mouse should consider a smock instead of that polka-dotted micro-mini.
  2. Las Vegas, Nevada: Sin City. Not only do they allow gambling, but those who rent a car can visit the state’s 28 sex ranches. Try to get there before the Secret Service line forms (8 a.m.)
  3. Wilmington, Delaware: Men’s Health misspelled Delaware, but fortunately for you, dear reader, I have corrected them. Unfortunately, I’ve never been there.
  4. Raleigh, North Carolina: What do you think all those college students are researching in the “Research Triangle?”
  5. Charlotte, North Carolina: Our enemies to the north have surpassed us yet again! First the NASCAR museum and now this!? OUTRAGE!
  6. Minneapolis, Minnesota: Garrison Keillor’s sexy voice and raunchy radio program has had a deleterious effect on this once-honorable community.
  7. Atlanta, Georgia: Alert your politicians, it’s time to go in 110% on “family values.”
  8. Tampa, Florida: The decline of the cigar industry has forced many to seek other lines of employment.
  9. Anchorage, Alaska: The chill wind of prudish modesty has yet to preserve the souls of these tainted former Russians.
  10. Austin, Texas: They have bats, a thriving tech industry and a penchant for the tawdry, clearly. I suggest building a wall around every sex shop.

* Read the complete article at Men’s Health.

25 comments Add your comment

Smut Lover

May 9th, 2012
9:35 am

Go Brushstrokes!

Rusty

May 9th, 2012
9:36 am

Deanna

May 9th, 2012
9:38 am

Since when do we love hockey?

That Dude...

May 9th, 2012
9:41 am

Deanna… that went completely over your head.

Roekest

May 9th, 2012
9:43 am

Only 7th??? Surely, I alone can bring that up to 3rd, at the very least!

And +10 for using “Research Triangle” in that oh-so-special way.

Cap't Obvious

May 9th, 2012
9:52 am

Me thinks Deanna’s noggin has hit the headboard one too many times! Arrrr.

Kat

May 9th, 2012
9:52 am

It’s called irony, Deanna. Look it up as you scan the Internet for your porn.

Kat

May 9th, 2012
9:53 am

Actually, I’m the foolish one. It’s called sarcasm. I just looked it up on another screen while I indulge.

Frank Furter

May 9th, 2012
10:04 am

Thrashers Season Ticket Holder

May 9th, 2012
11:20 am

Didn’t Atlanta Spirit Group ship all our good porn off to Winnipeg along with our beloved NHL Hockey Club?

Thrashers Season Ticket Holder

May 9th, 2012
11:25 am

Speaking of which, with all the income I’m now saving on NOT watching live NHL Hockey, I’d pay that good money to see someone plant broken broomhandles in a particular orifice of each member of Atlanta Spirit Group.

Somebody in the now-unused THRASH mascot costume can be the “fluffer.”

Good Times!

CommonSense

May 9th, 2012
11:31 am

Deanna, whatcha doing later..wanna watch some movies at my place… we can watch slapshot!!! i cant think of porn parodies..help!! snatchshot!!!..its all i got

Thrashers Season Ticket Holder

May 9th, 2012
11:37 am

CommonSense,

“A Twisted Wrister in My 5-Hole”

Thrashers Season Ticket Holder

May 9th, 2012
11:38 am

“Michael & Bruce Do Atlanta…

Particularly Its Hockey Fans”

Thrashers Season Ticket Holder

May 9th, 2012
11:40 am

“A Thumper Inside My Crease”

Thrashers Season Ticket Holder

May 9th, 2012
11:42 am

“My Goon is a Healthy Scratch”

DebDoes

May 9th, 2012
11:44 am

Ha! and just how do they know we love porn unless they are watching our IP net addresses as we peruse those lusty websites. I personally only love the 50 Shades of Grey…ahhhh.

Thrashers Season Ticket Holder

May 9th, 2012
11:46 am

“Forechecking in My Neutral Zone”

Thrashers Season Ticket Holder

May 9th, 2012
11:47 am

“Hip Check Me Over the Boards”

Thrashers Season Ticket Holder

May 9th, 2012
11:51 am

“Marty Brodeur Impregnates His Sister-in-Law While Married to Her Sister”

(That’s more of a documentary, actually.)

Thrashers Season Ticket Holder

May 9th, 2012
11:56 am

“The Ice Girls Demonstrate Proper Stickhandling”

Contractor

May 9th, 2012
1:35 pm

Hockey and public education? Who wrote this article? Seeing as we lost the hockey team we had and uncovered one of the worst cheating scandals in educational history, how do you come to the conclusion we love the two? Glad the AJC has someone sending out work like this, cause they are well worth the money, psh.

Jason

May 9th, 2012
1:53 pm

Steve Belkin stars in: “Sue This!”

RNB

May 14th, 2012
10:50 am

“Garrison Keillor’s sexy voice…” I just threw up a little in my mouth.

[...] to name a few. Avert thine eyes chaste city dweller, our fair city has been … Read more on Atlanta Journal Constitution (blog) MOMents – Listing in a Sea of Rankings We like when our child gets into a college on one of [...]