Joke of the Year pokes fun at eye ailment
The British are good at many things: making beer, the idolatry of royalty, parliamentary put-downs and humor.
David Mitchell and Robert Webb, stars of UK comedy hit Peep Show.
For an island nation roughly the size of Michigan, they’ve cranked out a lot of history and laughs. [See Peep Show, not Benny Hill]
So, when our allies proclaim a one-liner as Joke of the Year, the world best pay attention.
The winning witticism? “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”
I’ll give you a moment to recover from that knee-slapper.
…
Ready for some more?
Comedian Tim Vine, creator of the aforementioned quip, also scored big in 2010 with this gem: “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
What jokes did Vine beat out in this year’s Loaded Laftas comedy awards?
The Week recaps the competition:
- Jimmy Carr: “I know a couple who get on like a house on fire. They both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death.”
- Sarah Millican: “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”
- Matt Kirshen: “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
- Paul Daniels: “I said to a fella ‘Is there a B&Q in Henley?’ He said ‘No, there’s an H, an E, an N an L and a Y’.”
I have no idea what a B&Q is, but I am sure that is hilarious.
I’ll take a stab at dethroning Mr. Vine with my own Joke of the Year.
- Did you hear about all the award-winning public art in Atlanta? The people driving out of the Edgewood Kroger parking lot haven’t either.
- What’s on Atlanta’s longest-running ‘Wanted Poster’? The eye glasses of the dude hiring strippers at the Clermont.
- Any time my wife sees a group of people laughing she thinks I’ve dropped my W-2.
Please write your own in the comment section below, but keep ‘em clean and not about politics or they will be deleted.
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140 comments Add your comment
joe
February 9th, 2012
9:12 am
If you’re American in the living room…what are you in the bathroom? European (your-a-peein) Kudos to my 9 year old nephew who told it to me…
doggoneit
February 9th, 2012
9:16 am
Alcohol never solved any problems, for anyone… but then again, neither has milk.
trystme
February 9th, 2012
9:23 am
I saw a sign that said “Atlanta Left” so I went back home.
tulsabravo
February 9th, 2012
9:25 am
She’s got enough mousse in her hair for her head to be declared a wildlife preserve.
Pookie
February 9th, 2012
9:29 am
Three women were sitting at a table having lunch being quiet and minding their own business……
bronco
February 9th, 2012
9:29 am
My wife said she wanted to tie me up and go to town…so she did just that and took the keys and went to town
Vicar of Dibley
February 9th, 2012
9:30 am
Three nuns are standing at the pearly gates waiting to get into heaven. St. Peter appears and says because you are nuns I must ask you a question before you can enter. He turns to the first nun and asks “what was the name of the first woman? “Eve” She answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first nun enters.
“Where did Adam and Eve live” St. Peter asks the second nun. “The Garden of Eden” She answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second nun enters. He turns to the third nun now as you are the mother superior your question will be more difficult. St Peter asks, “What was the first thing Eve said when she first saw Adam?”
The mother superior thinks and thinks, but can’t come up with an answer. “Wow, that’s a hard one,” she finally says. And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last nun enters heaven.
Just Me
February 9th, 2012
9:33 am
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
CKM
February 9th, 2012
9:34 am
I like doggoneit’s. Homer Simpson had a similiar one: Alcohol, the cause and solution to all of life’s problems.
flagger
February 9th, 2012
9:37 am
Government wasting our dollars is like a monkey peeing in a cash register…pretty soon it runs into money!!!!
Jeff
February 9th, 2012
9:38 am
The UK has some awesome television shows. I, for one, am a fan of Peep Show. I wish some of their shows would make it in the US (Originals, not US remakes).
my fav
February 9th, 2012
9:39 am
A man strips off all his clothes and covers himself with plastic wrap before he goes in to see his psychiatrist. The Dr. takes a look at him and say “I can clearly see you’re nuts”
Matt
February 9th, 2012
9:40 am
And the winner is…Pookie!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!
Puppet Please
February 9th, 2012
9:45 am
A wife comes home one day and catches her husband having sex with an escort. “How dare you!! Payng to have sex in our house!!”
The husband says….”Does that mean you want me to stop the cleaning service”
“What does that have to do with anything” the wife says.
The husband says, “Well thats another thing you don’t do that I have to pay for!”
Joe Bob
February 9th, 2012
9:54 am
Did you guys hear the one about the farmer who buys several pigs, hoping to breed em for ham and bacon? After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and he calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means, but he doesn’t want to display his ignorance, so he just asks the vet how he’ll know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet says that instead of standing around, they’ll lay down and wallow in the mud.
So the farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, and does his duty–with all of em. Then he brings em back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes up and looks at the pigs. Seeing that they’re all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads em into the truck again. He drives em out to the woods, does his thing again, twice this time, brings em back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. He tells himself one more try, and he proceeds to load em up and drive em out to the woods. He spends all day with the pigs and, when he gets home, he falls exhausted into bed.
Next morning, he can’t even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. His wife says, “Why, no, they’re all in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn.”
yes
February 9th, 2012
9:59 am
Did you hear the one about the college educated, publicly elected Gov. of Georgia who prayed for rain on the steps of the capitol? No punchline needed
Curious
February 9th, 2012
10:00 am
What did the bed say to the dresser? “I see your drawers.” (drum roll)
Joe Bob
February 9th, 2012
10:01 am
You guys hear this one? A pair of Irish ditch-diggers are repairing some roadside damage across the street from a house of ill repute when they see a Protestant reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house. Pat the ditch-digger says, “Would ye look at that, Darby! What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!” They both shake their heads in disgust and continue working. Little while later, they see a Jewish rabbi look around cautiously and then dart into the house. Pat says, “Did ya see that, Darby?! Is nothing holy to these Jewish people? I just can’t understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!” Soon they see a third man, a Catholic priest, lurking around the house to see if anyone’s watching, and then sneaking in the door. Pat removes his cap and says, “Oh, no, Darby, look! One of the poor girls musta died.”
TWB
February 9th, 2012
10:09 am
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack!
Village Mom
February 9th, 2012
10:16 am
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “Lord, please grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The man said, “Please, Lord, build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I need to see beautiful sights and alleviate the stress in my life.” The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify such an intervention just to satisfy your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would truly evoke my almighty power of blessing.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they really feel, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘oh, it’s nothing,’ and, most important, how I can make a woman truly happy.”
After a few moments, God said: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
George Mathis
February 9th, 2012
10:31 am
My delete finger is getting tired! Please keep the jokes clean, not about politics, race or college football.
Kat
February 9th, 2012
10:35 am
These are great people, keep it up!
sp
February 9th, 2012
10:35 am
A dyslexic walks into a bra….
Call it like it is
February 9th, 2012
10:36 am
What Sexual position creates an ugly child???? I dont know either let call George Mathis mother and ask her.
Sorry George
George Mathis
February 9th, 2012
10:37 am
Now that’s just ugly!
Erdnase
February 9th, 2012
10:37 am
A baby seal walks into a club…
Shirley
February 9th, 2012
10:39 am
How about this one: “The winning bids for the airport contract have absolutely nothing to do with political connections”.
Yuk…yuk…yuk.
sp
February 9th, 2012
10:44 am
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
Rickster
February 9th, 2012
10:44 am
The Dali Lama goes into Everybody’s pizza and walks up to the counter.
“What can I do for you?” asks the counter person.
“Make me one with everything.”
Steady
February 9th, 2012
10:46 am
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading..
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the he## out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?
Jere
February 9th, 2012
10:47 am
B&Q is the UK version of Home Depot. Here’s a hint — when you have “no idea” of what something is, try Google or Wikipedia — they know everything.
A person SMART enough to know......
February 9th, 2012
10:49 am
A Blonde woman had to create Beer. She needed a break and Brunettes needed loving too.
Joe Bob
February 9th, 2012
10:49 am
Did you guys hear the one about the knights who are leaving for the Crusades? One knight tells his best friend, “My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.” The company of knights are only a mile or so out of town when they notice a cloud of dust approaching. They think it might be an important message, so they halt. A horseman approaches them. It’s the knight’s best friend. Runs up to the knight and says, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key!”
BFS
February 9th, 2012
10:54 am
What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
The same middle name.
Old Scratch
February 9th, 2012
11:02 am
Two muffins are in an oven.
One says, “Is it hot in here, or just me?”
The other goes, “Holy crap! A talking muffin!”
Joe Bob
February 9th, 2012
11:09 am
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons and no prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and instantly it springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. She’s terrified, so she grabs for the horse’s mane, but she can’t seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, oblivious, and finally she can’t hold on anymore. She leaps away from the horse, trying to throw herself to safety. But her foot gets tangled up in the stirrup, so now she’s at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again. She’s almost unconscious, screaming for help, when at the last minute, the K-Mart manager sees her and shuts off the horse.
Lin
February 9th, 2012
11:15 am
A good man will make you feel beautiful, sexy, loved and wanted….no wait, that’s wine.that does that….
.never mind.
Uncle Ruckus
February 9th, 2012
11:18 am
@ Pookie….Without a doubt, the best joke.LMAO!!
DoctorAtlantis
February 9th, 2012
11:21 am
Between the Falcons, the Hawks and The Atlanta Eagle – I’m tired of seeing our regal birds taking a beating.
Lin
February 9th, 2012
11:29 am
Three Wise Men…..seriously?
SweetT
February 9th, 2012
11:32 am
A guy walks into a bar holding what looks like a shoe box and asks the bartender “If I show you something you have never seen before will you give me a free beer?”. The bartender says “SURE” so the patron opens the box and inside is a little tiny guy playing a little tiny piano. Amazed, the bartender pours him up a brewski and asks the patron “Where did you get that?”. The patron explained that in the alley outside there was a magic lamp with a genie inside that would grant one wish. The bartender rushed outside, found the lamp, rubbed it and out popped the genie. The genie offered to grant one wish to the bartender so the bartender exclaimed “I WANT A MILLION BUCKS!!!” A loud BOOM was heard while smoke billowed and as the smoke cleared the bartender hears “Quack, quack” and as his eyes adjust as far as he can see….everywhere….DUCKS. He rushes back inside the bar screaming at the patron “YOU DIDN’T TELL ME THE GENIE WAS HARD OF HEARING???” to which the patron replied “Did you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
A person SMART enough to know......
February 9th, 2012
11:34 am
The University of Georgia is having a panel discussion about the Simpson’s Cartoon TV show. Now that is a JOKE on the use of taxpayers money. Maybe next they can sponsor a search for Super Man.
A person SMART enough to know......
February 9th, 2012
11:36 am
Gas Prices!
Ha
February 9th, 2012
11:43 am
Georgia Democrat: Name a state that starts with “G”
Georgia Republican: Japan
A person SMART enough to know......
February 9th, 2012
11:49 am
@HA……What state has a name that starts with “G”? People in this state can’t spell. DAWG is dog and Georgia is JawJa.
LG
February 9th, 2012
11:57 am
B & Q is a british version of a Home Improvement Store
CRH
February 9th, 2012
12:13 pm
How do you get an elephant in a safeway bag? (safeway is a grocery store out west)…the answer: You take the “S” out of safe and the “F” out of way…ha ha…There’s no “F” in way…get it?
Tippen
February 9th, 2012
12:14 pm
I sleep like a baby. I wake up every two hours and pee on myself.
SamE
February 9th, 2012
12:16 pm
@Doggoneit
Hilarious. loved it
A person SMART enough to know......
February 9th, 2012
12:17 pm
How to define Revenge.
Living long enough to have my kids Change My Diapers.
hmm
February 9th, 2012
12:31 pm
Why don’t cannibals like to eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
A person SMART enough to know......
February 9th, 2012
12:33 pm
hmm…do Vegans have oral sex?
pb
February 9th, 2012
12:49 pm
George,
Since when is Britain good at making beer? What kind? Just wondering…
A person SMART enough to know......
February 9th, 2012
1:03 pm
pb where is Britian? Now there are Many Ex-British colonies.
A person SMART enough to know......
February 9th, 2012
1:04 pm
pb here is your link.
http://www.beer-club.info/beer-brands/british-beer-brands.html
GrinReaper
February 9th, 2012
1:13 pm
Two guys walk into a bar… the third one ducked.
MeaneyMouse
February 9th, 2012
1:19 pm
Why is77better than69? Because you get8more
)
Dozer
February 9th, 2012
1:23 pm
Guy walks into a pizzeria & orders a large pizza. Counterman asks “how shall I slice it – 6 pieces or 8?” Customer thinks for a second and says “better make it 6 – I don’t think I can eat 8″……
Ghost of Rodney Dangerfield
February 9th, 2012
1:44 pm
My house recently caught on fire in the middle of the night….my wife told the kids to not scream or they might wake me up.
My wife said she wanted to have sex in the back seat of the car. And she wants me to drive.
My wife’s cooking is so bad, the flies chipped in to get the hole in the screen door fixed.
My wife told me to take out the trash. I told her, you cooked it, you take it out.
I tell ya, I don’t get no respect. U kidding me?
Bigguy
February 9th, 2012
1:52 pm
Did you hear about the new wine that keeps you from getting up in the night? They call it pinot moir.
SayWhat
February 9th, 2012
2:00 pm
A three legged dog walks in to a saloon and says…”I’m a lookin’ for the man that shot my pa(w)…”
George Mathis
February 9th, 2012
2:04 pm
PB – I think Timothy Taylor beers are among the best in the world, which is why I linked to their site. The Landlord has won more awards than you can shake an empty pint glass at. http://www.timothytaylor.co.uk/Awards.aspx
JG
February 9th, 2012
2:06 pm
Why was 6 afraid? Because 7 8 9.
cgatlanta
February 9th, 2012
2:11 pm
Why do all chicken coups have only two doors? If they had four they’d be chicken sedans.
nathan
February 9th, 2012
2:16 pm
Actually JG it goes “Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9 and 10″
Chuck
February 9th, 2012
2:18 pm
@ A person SMART enough to know…..people are putting FUNNY jokes in here. Don’t quit your day job.
nathan
February 9th, 2012
2:22 pm
Ok, man walks on the beach and see’s a woman with no arms or legs crying… He says, miss why are you crying? She says, Im 30 years old and I’ve never been screwed… He kneels down, puts his arms around her, picks her up and carries her to the water…. Then throws her in and says… “There, your screwed”..
HENRY
February 9th, 2012
2:34 pm
HEY “JUST ME”, THAT’S NOT A JOKE, THAT’S A PUN, STOLEN, BY THE WAY, FROM NEAL BOORTZ.
Ryneberg
February 9th, 2012
2:35 pm
Tim Tebow: Not since O.J. Simpson has a white Bronco gotten this much attention.
Samantha
February 9th, 2012
2:49 pm
My son told me this joke when he was 8. “Your Momma is so dumb…she was fired from the M & M Factory for throwing away the double u’s (W).
hahahahahahaha! 
Why so serious?
February 9th, 2012
2:51 pm
My girlfriend called me a stalker. Well, she’s not actually my girlfriend . . . yet.
Blonde Joke...
February 9th, 2012
2:56 pm
There was this blonde and she went to see her OBGYN and her OBGYN told her that she was pregnant. She quickly looks into the mirror and says “I wonder who the Mother is”..
Sasha
February 9th, 2012
2:57 pm
Why so serious? hahahahahahahaha! WOW…at this rate I don’t think she ever will be your girlfriend..hahahahahaha!
FMFats
February 9th, 2012
3:02 pm
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is so fat, when he got up to dance at a Springsteen concert the E Street Band skipped.
A person SMART enough to know......
February 9th, 2012
3:11 pm
My wife went to the OBGY and he told her she couldn’t have intercourse for 2 weeks. So I asked her what the Dentists said.
Donnie Brasco
February 9th, 2012
3:25 pm
Ever wonder why the Easter bunny hides his eggs? Because he doesn’t want everyone to know he’s screwing a chicken.
John Daly
February 9th, 2012
3:28 pm
I told my wife I wanted something fast and sexy with lots of curves for my birthday. She said I had better be talking about a car.
A person SMART enough to know......
February 9th, 2012
3:29 pm
Do you know where the Tooth Fairy is from?
She takes used teeth and leave pocket change!
She has to be to State of Alabama Dentists.
Me
February 9th, 2012
3:31 pm
Why can’t Alabama have a professional football team? Because then Georgia would want one too.
John Daly
February 9th, 2012
3:36 pm
The Dali Lama is running a hotdog stand. A man buys a hot dog and pays with a $20. The Dali Lama puts the $20 in the till and smiles at the man. “Hey,” says the man, “what about my change?” The Dali Lama looks at him and says “Change must come from within.”
CharlieATL
February 9th, 2012
3:41 pm
What did the shark say to the clown when he bit off and ate his leg? “You taste funny.”
Oh Lord, did I really post that?
GEORGIA97
February 9th, 2012
3:50 pm
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a spectacular gorgeous woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As if his prayers were answered, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”
She turned, smiled, and said, “Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago.”
He swallowed hard. Here was this most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really,” he said. “What myths are those?”
“Well,” she explained. “One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“It’s Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!”
Smokewagon
February 9th, 2012
3:58 pm
I caught my wife looking into a full length mirror naked. What are you doing?? I said. I went to the Dr. today and he told me that I had the breast of a 17 y.o. she replied. What did he say about your 50 y.o. as#? I replied. She said that my name was not brought up.
Smokewagon
February 9th, 2012
4:09 pm
Old Wise Man says: Man who gets put in doghouse will soon be found in cathouse.
Dirty South TV
February 9th, 2012
4:20 pm
Georgia97 takes the cake. That was funny! We’re all still laughing at that one…Tonto “Bubba” Goldstein–LOL!!!
ATL Roogie
February 9th, 2012
4:27 pm
Do you know why snakes won’t bite lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
kamchacky
February 9th, 2012
4:27 pm
I haven’t laughed this hard since Cynthia Tucker used to write a blog on AJC
Old Scratch
February 9th, 2012
4:28 pm
While working on a car a man yelled, “ouch! I just crushed my finger.”
Friend asked, ” The whole finger?”
Man replied, “No, the one next to it.”
Thogwummpy
February 9th, 2012
4:29 pm
Every so often, McDonald’s brings back the annoying McRibb for a limited period of time…but it never permanently goes away. In other words, the McRibb is the herpes of the fast food industry!
Tiger Woodnt
February 9th, 2012
4:29 pm
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Elephino!
Yeah, I’m fat, I have a “furniture stomach” My chest fell into my drawers! “My waist is a terrible thing to mind”
Thought of the day….Racism is just a pigment of your imagination
how
February 9th, 2012
4:29 pm
BREAKING NEWS!
The Gators new QB just broke his arm while raking leaves…..he fell out of the tree
Sad Sack
February 9th, 2012
4:31 pm
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve faster-than-light neutrinos in here…”
A neutrino walks into a bar.
clanmack
February 9th, 2012
4:32 pm
Thanks to Sinbad, here is how to get rid of your adult children who refuse to leave home. One morning, when they are in the kitchen eating breakfast, you and your spouse walk into the kitchen naked and tell them to “hurry up we want to use the table.”
Georgia97 get my vote!
goober
February 9th, 2012
4:33 pm
Do you remember who beat Tiger Woods at the masters last year?
His wife
Joe Bob
February 9th, 2012
4:36 pm
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Joe Bob
February 9th, 2012
4:40 pm
SUBTLE HINTS – YOU MAY BE GETTING OLDER IF:
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn’t breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
You know what the word “equity” means.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for The Weather Channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
walkman
February 9th, 2012
4:43 pm
Did you hear the one about the blonde police officer? Well she’s driving in her patrol car when a Corvette passes her clearly speeding. So she turns on her lights and pulls it over. She walks over to the window of the Corvette and as the driver rolls it down she observes that she is also a blonde. The officer then asks her for her drivers liscense. The blonde driver says “What’s a drivers liscense?” The officers says “It’s a little square thing with your picture on it. So the blonde driver fumbles around in her purse and finds a small vainty mirror. She looks at it, sees her face, and hands to the officer. The blonde officer looks at it and says “I’m sorry m’am, I didn’t know you were a police officer. You can go”.
A person SMART enough to know......
February 9th, 2012
4:48 pm
How does a UGA guy get a date in Athens?
He buys a 6 pack and wears Jack Daniel’s for aftershave.
Peter
February 9th, 2012
4:58 pm
Did you hear the joke that didn’t mention race, religion, politics or sex?
It wasn’t funny was it (hint hint)
what???
February 9th, 2012
5:00 pm
B B KINGS wife wanted to surprise him, so she got his initials tattooed on her rear end. BB came home that night and she dropped trou to show him…Lookee here she yelled…..BB looked over and then snorted..who’s BOB???
Fred
February 9th, 2012
5:01 pm
Oh so it’s like THAT is it Georgie? No curse words, nothing against the so called rules of conduct here, just your personal distaste at comments in the past so I’m perpetually under moderation. No biggie. Wasn’t that much of a blog anyway DESPITE your mom pushing it all the time.
Hal
February 9th, 2012
5:01 pm
why did the little boy like farting in church?
The accoustics
Traffic Headache
February 9th, 2012
5:02 pm
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro sinko.
yeeeeeeeep
February 9th, 2012
5:03 pm
what are the last 5 words you want to hear?
We be your new neighbors!
Unattributed pronouns
February 9th, 2012
5:19 pm
First day of school little boy walks up to the teacher and says “I have to go to the bathroom.”
Teacher says “O.K. it’s right down the hall. Second door on the left.”
Little boy comes back and says “I can’t find it”
Teacher says “Sure you can it’s right down the hall on the left.”
Little boy returns and says tearfully “I can’t find it.”
Teacher says “Johnny go with him and show him where it is.”
Johnny comes back and says “It’s O.K. now. He had his underwear on backwards-that’s why he couldn’t find it!”
Gorilla Biscuit
February 9th, 2012
5:24 pm
1st bar patron: Do you see that one-eyed cat coming in the door?
2nd bar patron: That cat’s leaving.
kimmieg
February 9th, 2012
5:27 pm
Confucius say man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run in back of car get exhausted.
Bored at Work
February 9th, 2012
5:29 pm
What are the final words of a good ol’ boy? “Hey y’all…watch this!”
cybo
February 9th, 2012
5:36 pm
Procrastinators of America unite and lets meet an other time
A person SMART enough to know......
February 9th, 2012
5:41 pm
What has 6 Breast and 10 Teeth?
The over night Waitress crew at Waffle House.
Greg S.
February 9th, 2012
5:52 pm
Q: Who was the first carpenter in the world?
A: Eve. She make Adam’s banana stand!
Greg S.
February 9th, 2012
5:53 pm
Did you hear the one about the Irishman that walked past a bar? It could happen!
Greg S.
February 9th, 2012
5:55 pm
Confucius say man who fly upside-down have crack up.
Jay
February 9th, 2012
5:59 pm
I’m as confused as a homeless person on house-arrest.
XYZZZzzz
February 9th, 2012
6:07 pm
What’s the difference between “Ooh” and “Ahhh”? About 2 inches.
XYZZZzzz
February 9th, 2012
6:09 pm
A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. He walks up to the bar and doesn’t say anything. The bar tender asks “What’s the story on that?”. The frog replies, “Well, it started out as a wart on my ass.”
arrowhead1959
February 9th, 2012
6:13 pm
Why do you always take two Baptist with you fishing? If you take one, he’ll drink all of your beer….
Rob
February 9th, 2012
6:17 pm
What’s the hardest part of Rollerblading? Telling your Dad you’re gay.
Filipe caloronie
February 9th, 2012
6:19 pm
What do you call to Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan…..
Fun Size
February 9th, 2012
6:19 pm
What does toilet paper have in common with the star ship Enterprise? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons!!!
Filipe caloronie
February 9th, 2012
6:21 pm
Opera Winfrey was arrested at heartsfield airport…her crime? Trying to take 50 lbs of crack onto a plane….
Filipe caloronie
February 9th, 2012
6:22 pm
Two cannibals were eating a clown…first one said..
Does this taste funny to you?
Filipe caloronie
February 9th, 2012
6:28 pm
You know how to create confusion in little Mexico? Shout you, with the tattoo! Your under arrest!
scubike
February 9th, 2012
6:36 pm
I’ve always wondered two things……
Did Helen Keller’s remote have a mute button?
and
If all the students on the short bus are late to school, are they all retardy?
Macon guy
February 9th, 2012
7:04 pm
Five Jewish women were having lunch. The waiter comes to check on them and says “Is anything alright”
Smokewagon
February 9th, 2012
7:06 pm
I went to a boxing match and a hockey game broke out!
AJ
February 9th, 2012
8:30 pm
A horse walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. The bartender looks at the horse and says “Hey, why the long face?”
XYZZZzzz
February 9th, 2012
8:45 pm
A man goes into a bar and asks, “Do you serve ladies here?” The bar tender replies, “No, you have to bring your own!”
DLink
February 9th, 2012
9:24 pm
A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier asks, “What size?”
The man replies, “Size? I didn’t know they came in sizes.”
“Yes, they do,” she says, “What size do you want?”
“Well, gee, I don’t know,” the man answers.
The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure it by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence behind each hole as the man tests it. When they return, the cashier asks, “What will it be? Small, medium, or large?”
The man replies, “To heck with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!”
George Mathis
February 9th, 2012
9:52 pm
Thanks for all the jokes. There’s some real winners in the 100 or so posted. I’m hitting the sack and turning off commenting for the night. If the Falcons were as offensive as some of the jokes I had to delete, they’d have had no trouble scoring in the playoffs [final bad joke of the day!]
Mariner71
February 9th, 2012
9:52 pm
Did you hear about the streaker in church? They caught him by the organ.
American Mother
February 10th, 2012
7:40 am
I got Mad once, but nobody could tell the difference.
The unknown comic
February 10th, 2012
8:06 am
Guy goes to the Dr and the Dr says I have bad news. You are only going to live until tomorrow morning. Guy rushes home and tells his wife the bad news and suggests they stay up all night making love. Wife says ‘easy for you to say, you dont have to get up in the morning and I do”
The unknown comic
February 10th, 2012
8:11 am
Mr. Micrsoft, Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven and when he gets there he gets assigned a modest house to live out eternity. One day he is strolling down the golden streets and sees a huge mansion – 10 times larger than his. He is offended and asks St Peter who lives there. St Peter said it is the Captain of the Titanic.
Bill is beside himself. “this guy ran his ship into an iceberg and killed over a thousand people, how can he get a house like that?”
St Peter said thats right but he only crashed ONCE.
The unknown comic
February 10th, 2012
8:14 am
Guy goes to a Dr with an orange manhood. The Dr is puzzled. He said son how could this turn orange ? The guy said ” I don’t know. All I do is eat cheetos and watch porn”
Radio GaGa
February 10th, 2012
8:25 am
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that, number 1, you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic.”
The ! cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”
“Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
Tom
February 10th, 2012
12:14 pm
I don’t have a drinking problem, ‘cept when I can’t get a drink.
Denman
February 10th, 2012
2:27 pm
Womens’s Rights!
Denman
February 10th, 2012
2:28 pm
Now get back in the damn kitchen!!
Are you kidding
February 10th, 2012
2:55 pm
Once upon a time, long, long time ago, a woman was quiet….and that happened a ONCE, and a LONG LONG time ago!!