Joke of the Year pokes fun at eye ailment
The British are good at many things: making beer, the idolatry of royalty, parliamentary put-downs and humor.
David Mitchell and Robert Webb, stars of UK comedy hit Peep Show.
For an island nation roughly the size of Michigan, they’ve cranked out a lot of history and laughs. [See Peep Show, not Benny Hill]
So, when our allies proclaim a one-liner as Joke of the Year, the world best pay attention.
The winning witticism? “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”
I’ll give you a moment to recover from that knee-slapper.
…
Ready for some more?
Comedian Tim Vine, creator of the aforementioned quip, also scored big in 2010 with this gem: “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”
What jokes did Vine beat out in this year’s Loaded Laftas comedy awards?
The Week recaps the competition:
- Jimmy Carr: “I know a couple who get on like a house on fire. They both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death.”
- Sarah Millican: “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”
- Matt Kirshen: “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
- Paul Daniels: “I said to a fella ‘Is there a B&Q in Henley?’ He said ‘No, there’s an H, an E, an N an L and a Y’.”
I have no idea what a B&Q is, but I am sure that is hilarious.
I’ll take a stab at dethroning Mr. Vine with my own Joke of the Year.
- Did you hear about all the award-winning public art in Atlanta? The people driving out of the Edgewood Kroger parking lot haven’t either.
- What’s on Atlanta’s longest-running ‘Wanted Poster’? The eye glasses of the dude hiring strippers at the Clermont.
- Any time my wife sees a group of people laughing she thinks I’ve dropped my W-2.
Please write your own in the comment section below, but keep ‘em clean and not about politics or they will be deleted.
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140 comments Add your comment
Jeff
February 9th, 2012
9:38 am
The UK has some awesome television shows. I, for one, am a fan of Peep Show. I wish some of their shows would make it in the US (Originals, not US remakes).
my fav
February 9th, 2012
9:39 am
A man strips off all his clothes and covers himself with plastic wrap before he goes in to see his psychiatrist. The Dr. takes a look at him and say “I can clearly see you’re nuts”
Matt
February 9th, 2012
9:40 am
And the winner is…Pookie!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!
Puppet Please
February 9th, 2012
9:45 am
A wife comes home one day and catches her husband having sex with an escort. “How dare you!! Payng to have sex in our house!!”
The husband says….”Does that mean you want me to stop the cleaning service”
“What does that have to do with anything” the wife says.
The husband says, “Well thats another thing you don’t do that I have to pay for!”
Joe Bob
February 9th, 2012
9:54 am
Did you guys hear the one about the farmer who buys several pigs, hoping to breed em for ham and bacon? After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and he calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means, but he doesn’t want to display his ignorance, so he just asks the vet how he’ll know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet says that instead of standing around, they’ll lay down and wallow in the mud.
So the farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, and does his duty–with all of em. Then he brings em back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes up and looks at the pigs. Seeing that they’re all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads em into the truck again. He drives em out to the woods, does his thing again, twice this time, brings em back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. He tells himself one more try, and he proceeds to load em up and drive em out to the woods. He spends all day with the pigs and, when he gets home, he falls exhausted into bed.
Next morning, he can’t even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. His wife says, “Why, no, they’re all in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn.”
yes
February 9th, 2012
9:59 am
Did you hear the one about the college educated, publicly elected Gov. of Georgia who prayed for rain on the steps of the capitol? No punchline needed
Curious
February 9th, 2012
10:00 am
What did the bed say to the dresser? “I see your drawers.” (drum roll)
Joe Bob
February 9th, 2012
10:01 am
You guys hear this one? A pair of Irish ditch-diggers are repairing some roadside damage across the street from a house of ill repute when they see a Protestant reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house. Pat the ditch-digger says, “Would ye look at that, Darby! What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!” They both shake their heads in disgust and continue working. Little while later, they see a Jewish rabbi look around cautiously and then dart into the house. Pat says, “Did ya see that, Darby?! Is nothing holy to these Jewish people? I just can’t understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!” Soon they see a third man, a Catholic priest, lurking around the house to see if anyone’s watching, and then sneaking in the door. Pat removes his cap and says, “Oh, no, Darby, look! One of the poor girls musta died.”
TWB
February 9th, 2012
10:09 am
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack!
Village Mom
February 9th, 2012
10:16 am
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “Lord, please grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The man said, “Please, Lord, build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I need to see beautiful sights and alleviate the stress in my life.” The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify such an intervention just to satisfy your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would truly evoke my almighty power of blessing.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they really feel, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘oh, it’s nothing,’ and, most important, how I can make a woman truly happy.”
After a few moments, God said: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”