Joke of the Year pokes fun at eye ailment

The British are good at many things: making beer, the idolatry of royalty, parliamentary put-downs and humor.

David Mitchell and Robert Webb, stars of UK comedy hit Peep Show.

David Mitchell and Robert Webb, stars of UK comedy hit Peep Show.

For an island nation roughly the size of Michigan, they’ve cranked out a lot of history and laughs. [See Peep Show, not Benny Hill]

So, when our allies proclaim a one-liner as Joke of the Year, the world best pay attention.

The winning witticism? “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”

I’ll give you a moment to recover from that knee-slapper.

Ready for some more?

Comedian Tim Vine, creator of the aforementioned quip, also scored big in 2010 with this gem: “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

What jokes did Vine beat out in this year’s Loaded Laftas comedy awards?

The Week recaps the competition:

  • Jimmy Carr: “I know a couple who get on like a house on fire. They both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death.”
  • Sarah Millican: “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”
  • Matt Kirshen: “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
  • Paul Daniels: “I said to a fella ‘Is there a B&Q in Henley?’ He said ‘No, there’s an H, an E, an N an L and a Y’.”

I have no idea what a B&Q is, but I am sure that is hilarious.

I’ll take a stab at dethroning Mr. Vine with my own Joke of the Year.

  • Did you hear about all the award-winning public art in Atlanta? The people driving out of the Edgewood Kroger parking lot haven’t either.
  • What’s on Atlanta’s longest-running ‘Wanted Poster’? The eye glasses of the dude hiring strippers at the Clermont.
  • Any time my wife sees a group of people laughing she thinks I’ve dropped my W-2.

Please write your own in the comment section below, but keep ‘em clean and not about politics or they will be deleted.

140 comments Add your comment

Fred

February 9th, 2012
5:01 pm

Oh so it’s like THAT is it Georgie? No curse words, nothing against the so called rules of conduct here, just your personal distaste at comments in the past so I’m perpetually under moderation. No biggie. Wasn’t that much of a blog anyway DESPITE your mom pushing it all the time.

Hal

February 9th, 2012
5:01 pm

why did the little boy like farting in church?

The accoustics

Traffic Headache

February 9th, 2012
5:02 pm

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro sinko.

yeeeeeeeep

February 9th, 2012
5:03 pm

what are the last 5 words you want to hear?

We be your new neighbors!

Unattributed pronouns

February 9th, 2012
5:19 pm

First day of school little boy walks up to the teacher and says “I have to go to the bathroom.”
Teacher says “O.K. it’s right down the hall. Second door on the left.”
Little boy comes back and says “I can’t find it”
Teacher says “Sure you can it’s right down the hall on the left.”
Little boy returns and says tearfully “I can’t find it.”
Teacher says “Johnny go with him and show him where it is.”
Johnny comes back and says “It’s O.K. now. He had his underwear on backwards-that’s why he couldn’t find it!”

Gorilla Biscuit

February 9th, 2012
5:24 pm

1st bar patron: Do you see that one-eyed cat coming in the door?
2nd bar patron: That cat’s leaving.

kimmieg

February 9th, 2012
5:27 pm

Confucius say man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run in back of car get exhausted.

Bored at Work

February 9th, 2012
5:29 pm

What are the final words of a good ol’ boy? “Hey y’all…watch this!”

cybo

February 9th, 2012
5:36 pm

Procrastinators of America unite and lets meet an other time

A person SMART enough to know......

February 9th, 2012
5:41 pm

What has 6 Breast and 10 Teeth?
The over night Waitress crew at Waffle House.

Greg S.

February 9th, 2012
5:52 pm

Q: Who was the first carpenter in the world?
A: Eve. She make Adam’s banana stand!

Greg S.

February 9th, 2012
5:53 pm

Did you hear the one about the Irishman that walked past a bar? It could happen!

Greg S.

February 9th, 2012
5:55 pm

Confucius say man who fly upside-down have crack up.

Jay

February 9th, 2012
5:59 pm

I’m as confused as a homeless person on house-arrest.

XYZZZzzz

February 9th, 2012
6:07 pm

What’s the difference between “Ooh” and “Ahhh”? About 2 inches.

XYZZZzzz

February 9th, 2012
6:09 pm

A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. He walks up to the bar and doesn’t say anything. The bar tender asks “What’s the story on that?”. The frog replies, “Well, it started out as a wart on my ass.”

arrowhead1959

February 9th, 2012
6:13 pm

Why do you always take two Baptist with you fishing? If you take one, he’ll drink all of your beer….

Rob

February 9th, 2012
6:17 pm

What’s the hardest part of Rollerblading? Telling your Dad you’re gay.

Filipe caloronie

February 9th, 2012
6:19 pm

What do you call to Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan…..

Fun Size

February 9th, 2012
6:19 pm

What does toilet paper have in common with the star ship Enterprise? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons!!!

Filipe caloronie

February 9th, 2012
6:21 pm

Opera Winfrey was arrested at heartsfield airport…her crime? Trying to take 50 lbs of crack onto a plane….

Filipe caloronie

February 9th, 2012
6:22 pm

Two cannibals were eating a clown…first one said..
Does this taste funny to you?

Filipe caloronie

February 9th, 2012
6:28 pm

You know how to create confusion in little Mexico? Shout you, with the tattoo! Your under arrest!

scubike

February 9th, 2012
6:36 pm

I’ve always wondered two things……

Did Helen Keller’s remote have a mute button?

and

If all the students on the short bus are late to school, are they all retardy?

Macon guy

February 9th, 2012
7:04 pm

Five Jewish women were having lunch. The waiter comes to check on them and says “Is anything alright”

Smokewagon

February 9th, 2012
7:06 pm

I went to a boxing match and a hockey game broke out!

AJ

February 9th, 2012
8:30 pm

A horse walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. The bartender looks at the horse and says “Hey, why the long face?”

XYZZZzzz

February 9th, 2012
8:45 pm

A man goes into a bar and asks, “Do you serve ladies here?” The bar tender replies, “No, you have to bring your own!”

DLink

February 9th, 2012
9:24 pm

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some condoms. The cashier asks, “What size?”

The man replies, “Size? I didn’t know they came in sizes.”
“Yes, they do,” she says, “What size do you want?”

“Well, gee, I don’t know,” the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure it by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence behind each hole as the man tests it. When they return, the cashier asks, “What will it be? Small, medium, or large?”

The man replies, “To heck with the condoms, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!”

George Mathis

February 9th, 2012
9:52 pm

Thanks for all the jokes. There’s some real winners in the 100 or so posted. I’m hitting the sack and turning off commenting for the night. If the Falcons were as offensive as some of the jokes I had to delete, they’d have had no trouble scoring in the playoffs [final bad joke of the day!]

Mariner71

February 9th, 2012
9:52 pm

Did you hear about the streaker in church? They caught him by the organ.

American Mother

February 10th, 2012
7:40 am

I got Mad once, but nobody could tell the difference.

The unknown comic

February 10th, 2012
8:06 am

Guy goes to the Dr and the Dr says I have bad news. You are only going to live until tomorrow morning. Guy rushes home and tells his wife the bad news and suggests they stay up all night making love. Wife says ‘easy for you to say, you dont have to get up in the morning and I do”

The unknown comic

February 10th, 2012
8:11 am

Mr. Micrsoft, Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven and when he gets there he gets assigned a modest house to live out eternity. One day he is strolling down the golden streets and sees a huge mansion – 10 times larger than his. He is offended and asks St Peter who lives there. St Peter said it is the Captain of the Titanic.
Bill is beside himself. “this guy ran his ship into an iceberg and killed over a thousand people, how can he get a house like that?”
St Peter said thats right but he only crashed ONCE.

The unknown comic

February 10th, 2012
8:14 am

Guy goes to a Dr with an orange manhood. The Dr is puzzled. He said son how could this turn orange ? The guy said ” I don’t know. All I do is eat cheetos and watch porn”

Radio GaGa

February 10th, 2012
8:25 am

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that, number 1, you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic.”

The ! cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

Tom

February 10th, 2012
12:14 pm

I don’t have a drinking problem, ‘cept when I can’t get a drink.

Denman

February 10th, 2012
2:27 pm

Womens’s Rights!

Denman

February 10th, 2012
2:28 pm

Now get back in the damn kitchen!!

Are you kidding

February 10th, 2012
2:55 pm

Once upon a time, long, long time ago, a woman was quiet….and that happened a ONCE, and a LONG LONG time ago!!