Joke of the Year pokes fun at eye ailment

The British are good at many things: making beer, the idolatry of royalty, parliamentary put-downs and humor.

David Mitchell and Robert Webb, stars of UK comedy hit Peep Show.

David Mitchell and Robert Webb, stars of UK comedy hit Peep Show.

For an island nation roughly the size of Michigan, they’ve cranked out a lot of history and laughs. [See Peep Show, not Benny Hill]

So, when our allies proclaim a one-liner as Joke of the Year, the world best pay attention.

The winning witticism? “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”

I’ll give you a moment to recover from that knee-slapper.

Ready for some more?

Comedian Tim Vine, creator of the aforementioned quip, also scored big in 2010 with this gem: “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

What jokes did Vine beat out in this year’s Loaded Laftas comedy awards?

The Week recaps the competition:

  • Jimmy Carr: “I know a couple who get on like a house on fire. They both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death.”
  • Sarah Millican: “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”
  • Matt Kirshen: “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
  • Paul Daniels: “I said to a fella ‘Is there a B&Q in Henley?’ He said ‘No, there’s an H, an E, an N an L and a Y’.”

I have no idea what a B&Q is, but I am sure that is hilarious.

I’ll take a stab at dethroning Mr. Vine with my own Joke of the Year.

  • Did you hear about all the award-winning public art in Atlanta? The people driving out of the Edgewood Kroger parking lot haven’t either.
  • What’s on Atlanta’s longest-running ‘Wanted Poster’? The eye glasses of the dude hiring strippers at the Clermont.
  • Any time my wife sees a group of people laughing she thinks I’ve dropped my W-2.

Please write your own in the comment section below, but keep ‘em clean and not about politics or they will be deleted.

140 comments Add your comment

joe

February 9th, 2012
9:12 am

If you’re American in the living room…what are you in the bathroom? European (your-a-peein) Kudos to my 9 year old nephew who told it to me…

doggoneit

February 9th, 2012
9:16 am

Alcohol never solved any problems, for anyone… but then again, neither has milk.

trystme

February 9th, 2012
9:23 am

I saw a sign that said “Atlanta Left” so I went back home.

tulsabravo

February 9th, 2012
9:25 am

She’s got enough mousse in her hair for her head to be declared a wildlife preserve.

Pookie

February 9th, 2012
9:29 am

Three women were sitting at a table having lunch being quiet and minding their own business……

bronco

February 9th, 2012
9:29 am

My wife said she wanted to tie me up and go to town…so she did just that and took the keys and went to town

Vicar of Dibley

February 9th, 2012
9:30 am

Three nuns are standing at the pearly gates waiting to get into heaven. St. Peter appears and says because you are nuns I must ask you a question before you can enter. He turns to the first nun and asks “what was the name of the first woman? “Eve” She answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first nun enters.

“Where did Adam and Eve live” St. Peter asks the second nun. “The Garden of Eden” She answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second nun enters. He turns to the third nun now as you are the mother superior your question will be more difficult. St Peter asks, “What was the first thing Eve said when she first saw Adam?”

The mother superior thinks and thinks, but can’t come up with an answer. “Wow, that’s a hard one,” she finally says. And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last nun enters heaven.

Just Me

February 9th, 2012
9:33 am

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

CKM

February 9th, 2012
9:34 am

I like doggoneit’s. Homer Simpson had a similiar one: Alcohol, the cause and solution to all of life’s problems.

flagger

February 9th, 2012
9:37 am

Government wasting our dollars is like a monkey peeing in a cash register…pretty soon it runs into money!!!!

Jeff

February 9th, 2012
9:38 am

The UK has some awesome television shows. I, for one, am a fan of Peep Show. I wish some of their shows would make it in the US (Originals, not US remakes).

my fav

February 9th, 2012
9:39 am

A man strips off all his clothes and covers himself with plastic wrap before he goes in to see his psychiatrist. The Dr. takes a look at him and say “I can clearly see you’re nuts”

Matt

February 9th, 2012
9:40 am

And the winner is…Pookie!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!

Puppet Please

February 9th, 2012
9:45 am

A wife comes home one day and catches her husband having sex with an escort. “How dare you!! Payng to have sex in our house!!”
The husband says….”Does that mean you want me to stop the cleaning service”
“What does that have to do with anything” the wife says.
The husband says, “Well thats another thing you don’t do that I have to pay for!”

Joe Bob

February 9th, 2012
9:54 am

Did you guys hear the one about the farmer who buys several pigs, hoping to breed em for ham and bacon? After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and he calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means, but he doesn’t want to display his ignorance, so he just asks the vet how he’ll know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet says that instead of standing around, they’ll lay down and wallow in the mud.

So the farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, and does his duty–with all of em. Then he brings em back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes up and looks at the pigs. Seeing that they’re all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads em into the truck again. He drives em out to the woods, does his thing again, twice this time, brings em back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. He tells himself one more try, and he proceeds to load em up and drive em out to the woods. He spends all day with the pigs and, when he gets home, he falls exhausted into bed.

Next morning, he can’t even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. His wife says, “Why, no, they’re all in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn.”

yes

February 9th, 2012
9:59 am

Did you hear the one about the college educated, publicly elected Gov. of Georgia who prayed for rain on the steps of the capitol? No punchline needed

Curious

February 9th, 2012
10:00 am

What did the bed say to the dresser? “I see your drawers.” (drum roll)

Joe Bob

February 9th, 2012
10:01 am

You guys hear this one? A pair of Irish ditch-diggers are repairing some roadside damage across the street from a house of ill repute when they see a Protestant reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house. Pat the ditch-digger says, “Would ye look at that, Darby! What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!” They both shake their heads in disgust and continue working. Little while later, they see a Jewish rabbi look around cautiously and then dart into the house. Pat says, “Did ya see that, Darby?! Is nothing holy to these Jewish people? I just can’t understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!” Soon they see a third man, a Catholic priest, lurking around the house to see if anyone’s watching, and then sneaking in the door. Pat removes his cap and says, “Oh, no, Darby, look! One of the poor girls musta died.”

TWB

February 9th, 2012
10:09 am

Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack!

Village Mom

February 9th, 2012
10:16 am

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “Lord, please grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The man said, “Please, Lord, build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I need to see beautiful sights and alleviate the stress in my life.” The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify such an intervention just to satisfy your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would truly evoke my almighty power of blessing.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they really feel, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘oh, it’s nothing,’ and, most important, how I can make a woman truly happy.”

After a few moments, God said: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

George Mathis

February 9th, 2012
10:31 am

My delete finger is getting tired! Please keep the jokes clean, not about politics, race or college football.

Kat

February 9th, 2012
10:35 am

These are great people, keep it up!

sp

February 9th, 2012
10:35 am

A dyslexic walks into a bra….

Call it like it is

February 9th, 2012
10:36 am

What Sexual position creates an ugly child???? I dont know either let call George Mathis mother and ask her.

Sorry George

George Mathis

February 9th, 2012
10:37 am

Now that’s just ugly!

Erdnase

February 9th, 2012
10:37 am

A baby seal walks into a club…

Shirley

February 9th, 2012
10:39 am

How about this one: “The winning bids for the airport contract have absolutely nothing to do with political connections”.

Yuk…yuk…yuk.

sp

February 9th, 2012
10:44 am

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

Rickster

February 9th, 2012
10:44 am

The Dali Lama goes into Everybody’s pizza and walks up to the counter.

“What can I do for you?” asks the counter person.

“Make me one with everything.”

Steady

February 9th, 2012
10:46 am

A priest and a rabbi were sitting  next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and  asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat  pork?’
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our  laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten  pork?”
To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did  succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding  and went on with his reading..
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,  “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain  celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a  part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen  to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was  weak and broke my Faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent,  thinking, for about five Minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the he## out of a ham  sandwich, doesn’t it?

Jere

February 9th, 2012
10:47 am

B&Q is the UK version of Home Depot. Here’s a hint — when you have “no idea” of what something is, try Google or Wikipedia — they know everything.

A person SMART enough to know......

February 9th, 2012
10:49 am

A Blonde woman had to create Beer. She needed a break and Brunettes needed loving too.

Joe Bob

February 9th, 2012
10:49 am

Did you guys hear the one about the knights who are leaving for the Crusades? One knight tells his best friend, “My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.” The company of knights are only a mile or so out of town when they notice a cloud of dust approaching. They think it might be an important message, so they halt. A horseman approaches them. It’s the knight’s best friend. Runs up to the knight and says, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key!”

BFS

February 9th, 2012
10:54 am

What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

The same middle name.

Old Scratch

February 9th, 2012
11:02 am

Two muffins are in an oven.
One says, “Is it hot in here, or just me?”
The other goes, “Holy crap! A talking muffin!”

Joe Bob

February 9th, 2012
11:09 am

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons and no prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and instantly it springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. She’s terrified, so she grabs for the horse’s mane, but she can’t seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, oblivious, and finally she can’t hold on anymore. She leaps away from the horse, trying to throw herself to safety. But her foot gets tangled up in the stirrup, so now she’s at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again. She’s almost unconscious, screaming for help, when at the last minute, the K-Mart manager sees her and shuts off the horse.

Lin

February 9th, 2012
11:15 am

A good man will make you feel beautiful, sexy, loved and wanted….no wait, that’s wine.that does that….
.never mind.

Uncle Ruckus

February 9th, 2012
11:18 am

@ Pookie….Without a doubt, the best joke.LMAO!!

DoctorAtlantis

February 9th, 2012
11:21 am

Between the Falcons, the Hawks and The Atlanta Eagle – I’m tired of seeing our regal birds taking a beating.

Lin

February 9th, 2012
11:29 am

Three Wise Men…..seriously?

SweetT

February 9th, 2012
11:32 am

A guy walks into a bar holding what looks like a shoe box and asks the bartender “If I show you something you have never seen before will you give me a free beer?”. The bartender says “SURE” so the patron opens the box and inside is a little tiny guy playing a little tiny piano. Amazed, the bartender pours him up a brewski and asks the patron “Where did you get that?”. The patron explained that in the alley outside there was a magic lamp with a genie inside that would grant one wish. The bartender rushed outside, found the lamp, rubbed it and out popped the genie. The genie offered to grant one wish to the bartender so the bartender exclaimed “I WANT A MILLION BUCKS!!!” A loud BOOM was heard while smoke billowed and as the smoke cleared the bartender hears “Quack, quack” and as his eyes adjust as far as he can see….everywhere….DUCKS. He rushes back inside the bar screaming at the patron “YOU DIDN’T TELL ME THE GENIE WAS HARD OF HEARING???” to which the patron replied “Did you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

A person SMART enough to know......

February 9th, 2012
11:34 am

The University of Georgia is having a panel discussion about the Simpson’s Cartoon TV show. Now that is a JOKE on the use of taxpayers money. Maybe next they can sponsor a search for Super Man.

A person SMART enough to know......

February 9th, 2012
11:36 am

Ha

February 9th, 2012
11:43 am

Georgia Democrat: Name a state that starts with “G”
Georgia Republican: Japan

A person SMART enough to know......

February 9th, 2012
11:49 am

@HA……What state has a name that starts with “G”? People in this state can’t spell. DAWG is dog and Georgia is JawJa.

LG

February 9th, 2012
11:57 am

B & Q is a british version of a Home Improvement Store

CRH

February 9th, 2012
12:13 pm

How do you get an elephant in a safeway bag? (safeway is a grocery store out west)…the answer: You take the “S” out of safe and the “F” out of way…ha ha…There’s no “F” in way…get it?

Tippen

February 9th, 2012
12:14 pm

I sleep like a baby. I wake up every two hours and pee on myself.

SamE

February 9th, 2012
12:16 pm

@Doggoneit

Hilarious. loved it

A person SMART enough to know......

February 9th, 2012
12:17 pm

How to define Revenge.
Living long enough to have my kids Change My Diapers.