‘Stay sober’ pill may save marriages, ruin parties

Good news for those who wear lampshades at company parties: Scientists are developing a “stay sober” pill that should even keep keg stand participants on their feet.

The miracle of pharmacological science will allow responsible drinkers to quit being such buzzkills.

The Telegraph reports the new pill will “stop people embarrassing themelves,” which may also be possible by imbibing moderate amounts and not speaking honestly.

Wily American and Australian scientists are to blame for the Let’s-Get-This-Party-Stopped medicine, which hopefully comes in Scotch and Pale Ale flavors.

Allegedly, the drug focuses on “glial cells” which make up 90 percent of the non-pickled brain. Turn off those cells, which play a part in the immune system, and a Long Island Iced Tea has the same effect as an Arnold Palmer.

Mice given the pill along with rat-killing amounts of booze didn’t stumble or slur their speech, but were unable to dance or even strike up a lively conversation with lady mice.

The drug could be available to binge drinkers and alcoholics within three years, reports Australia’s Herald-Sun.

“Problem drinkers could take a tablet once a day, or alcoholics may have a rod implanted so the drug is constantly delivered,” a drug developer said.

Scientists who think people drink to get drunk could not be reached for comment.