‘Stay sober’ pill may save marriages, ruin parties

Good news for those who wear lampshades at company parties: Scientists are developing a “stay sober” pill that should even keep keg stand participants on their feet.

The miracle of pharmacological science will allow responsible drinkers to quit being such buzzkills.

The miracle of pharmacological science will allow responsible drinkers to quit being such buzzkills.

The Telegraph reports the new pill will “stop people embarrassing themelves,” which may also be possible by imbibing moderate amounts and not speaking honestly.

Wily American and Australian scientists are to blame for the Let’s-Get-This-Party-Stopped medicine, which hopefully comes in Scotch and Pale Ale flavors.

Allegedly, the drug focuses on “glial cells” which make up 90 percent of the non-pickled brain. Turn off those cells, which play a part in the immune system, and a Long Island Iced Tea has the same effect as an Arnold Palmer.

Mice given the pill along with rat-killing amounts of booze didn’t stumble or slur their speech, but were unable to dance or even strike up a lively conversation with lady mice.

The drug could be available to binge drinkers and alcoholics within three years, reports Australia’s Herald-Sun.

“Problem drinkers could take a tablet once a day, or alcoholics may have a rod implanted so the drug is constantly delivered,” a drug developer said.

Scientists who think people drink to get drunk could not be reached for comment.

26 comments Add your comment

Ron Burgundy

September 29th, 2011
1:25 pm

Yeah…that will sell well. Lets give girls pills so that they keep their inhibitions! Now I can intentially binge drink and have a boring time.

Hello Kitty

September 29th, 2011
1:39 pm

I’m not paying to go out and get drunk and then remaining sobor! Now if it sobor’s me up enough to drive home at the end of the night, then maybe.

KE

September 29th, 2011
1:41 pm

What about alcohol poisoning, liver damage, etc? If you can drink and drink and have no indication of when you should stop, isn’t that dangerous?

@Ron Burgandy – stay classy!

Sharday

September 29th, 2011
1:41 pm

“…or alcoholics may have a rod implanted…”

This sounded promising till I got to the rod implantation part.

KE

September 29th, 2011
1:54 pm

*Burgundy (apologies)

Ron Burgundy

September 29th, 2011
2:05 pm

KE…alchohol poisoning is just a risk you have to take in order to party. If you like skydiving you could potentially die….there are risk in every fun activity. Drinking is supposed to e fun..

Ron Burgundy

September 29th, 2011
2:06 pm

I beleive the tri lambs invented this pill in 1984 to help the asian nerd ride the tricycle in the race to win the head of the Adams College greek council.

Ron Burgundy

September 29th, 2011
2:07 pm

Rod implanting usually happens to women AFTER they get too hammered!

JB

September 29th, 2011
2:11 pm

Next time I get pulled over for suspected DUI, I’ll just claim I was on this pill and my BAC of .37 should not count against me

Modern Day Slavery

September 29th, 2011
7:38 pm

If you take the pill, WHY DRINK?! Totally useless……..

caribeanstar

September 29th, 2011
8:54 pm

So what will be the point of drinking, This pill will not sell at all, what a waste of time, they should spend more time in making something more important such as the cure for aids or herpes

jackson

September 29th, 2011
9:07 pm

wow Mice given the pill along with rat-killing amounts of booze didn’t stumble or slur their speech, but were unable to dance or even strike up a lively conversation with lady mice.
has anyone heard a mouse speak, dance or try to get hooked up ?

Happy

September 29th, 2011
9:11 pm

Enter your comments here

Happy Drunk

September 29th, 2011
9:12 pm

Since when have mince been able to talk and dance????? Did I read this wrong?????

HereNow

September 29th, 2011
9:55 pm

@jackson & Happy Drunk – RE: Dancing, chatting up lady mice…the author was obviously being facetious. The whole article was written in a comical fashion.

Thirsty

September 29th, 2011
10:16 pm

I’m drunk right now!

Laughing...

September 30th, 2011
6:25 am

@ Ron Burgundy – kind of pathetic for you that the women have to be hammered before you can “implant your rod”. grow up.

soberhemi

September 30th, 2011
7:03 am

The pill won’t help an alcoholic, will still get the physical crave for alcohol. Plus like other have said- people would drink themselves to death.

Sparta_Bubba

September 30th, 2011
7:07 am

This comment from the news article means this is a HELL OF A PILL anyway: “Mice given the pill along with rat-killing amounts of booze didn’t stumble or slur their speech, but were unable to dance or even strike up a lively conversation with lady mice.” There has to be some use for them somewhere. Talking Mice! Wow!!!

Come on

September 30th, 2011
8:46 am

Yeah like I’m going to endure all those calories for no reason?

misunderstood

September 30th, 2011
12:41 pm

You people have to be the most insane people I have come across. First of all if everytime you drink you have to get drunk says something about you. This pill is made for you, maybe if you cant feel drunk then you wont drink as much and the responsible drinker wont have to watch you fall on the floor and make a complete fool of yourself! Secondly the thing the bothers me most about this article is what KE said. I mean most people gauge their drinking on how they feel. So if you can drink and drink and drink and not feel anything alchol poisoning and liver damage is my concern.

just sayin

October 1st, 2011
5:04 pm

The biggest resistance to this will be from municipalities worried about losing revenue from dui’s.
just sayin

Credentials

October 3rd, 2011
5:10 pm

Uhm, i’m not sure why it would help alcoholics, since it would still kill the liver.

Sober is with an E, not two Os.

AA Zealots are Scary

October 7th, 2011
2:13 am

You AA idiots frighten me. There is a treatment that is 78% effective in reducing problem drinking to safe levels, and results in total abstinence 16% of the time. AA results in safe drinking about five percent of the time. Same as doing nothing. That’s because for all substances, five percent of abusers stop every year. It’s a logarithmic decay. The method is known as the Sinclair Method. See the Combine Study published in the JAMA in 2006. And by AA’s standard, Sinclair’s Method is three times more effective at 1/30th the cost.

You AA types can take all your pithy sayings and stuff’em. Science has far exceeded Bill W’s crazy rantings and will go further. But, according to you myrmidons, it’s the only way. NOT!!!! White knuckle it forever!!! :P

Stephen

October 7th, 2011
7:46 pm

News flash, sci-guys: We don’t drink to stay sober.

Mark

October 10th, 2011
5:45 pm

People won’t be forced to take the pill because there are too many people who have no concept of fun while sober (pitiful and sad but just fact). None of these people will take the pill so why bother…Why not create a pill that gives people a sense of responsibility and the ability to engage socially without substance abuse…or create a pill that makes people intelligent! That could change our wolrd…LOL but it would have to be a BIG PILL!