Going to Heaven May 21? Atheists offer to take care of your pets
As you are doubtless aware, the Second Coming is scheduled for May 21.
Needless to say, it’s time to get your worldly affairs in order, and this includes finding a longterm pet sitter.
Heaven will look nothing like Piedmont Park, atheists say.
The neighbor or brother-in-law won’t be able to help this time. They may be going to heaven too.
Fortunately, there’s a company to turn to in these End Times of need.
Eternal Earth-Bound Pets USA will provide a loving home to pets whose masters have gone to their great reward. Rescue services are available in 26 states, and, since the company is staffed by atheists, chances are they won’t be going to that heavenly place they don’t believe exists.
The company was founded in 2009 by Bart Centre, which sounds like a San Francisco sports venue but is actually the name of a Godless person.
Since cash may soon be worthless, the $135 fee for 10 years of Rapture pet insurance seems reasonable. Additional pets cost $20, so if you’re hoarding critters like an animal shelter you may want to tap into the 401(k) early.
Centre, a retired executive for a national retailer who lives in New Hampshire, said the idea is to make money, not poke fun at Christians.
So far, he’s got 250 clients and 44 contract employees, which doesn’t sound that profitable.
Most clients hail from the Bible Belt, which holds up the moral fabric in the Southern United States. Georgia, the glistening buckle of the aforementioned region, has 16 clients and two post-Rapture pet wranglers.
Southern saints can only purchase coverage for traditional pets.Those with horses, camels, llamas and donkeys will want to quickly move to New Hampshire, Vermont, Idaho or Montana to take advantage of Eternal’s expanded services.
Payment for an iguana had to be rejected because “I couldn’t get anyone to adopt it,” said Centre.
The folks that will tend to Christians’ four-legged friends are Centre’s chosen ones. They love animals and don’t love Jesus.
“These are people not likely to be Raptured under any circumstances,” Bart said in The Washington Post. “Not that we think anybody is going anywhere anyway, which we make perfectly clear on our website.”
Business isn’t exactly booming, but he does get a lot of phone calls from atheists looking for work and angry Christians who say Jesus would never make the devout leave their pets behind.
“God didn’t take care of the animals during the flood,” says Centre, who does not believe in God or Biblical floods.
The author of the heathen classic “The Atheist Camel Chronicles,” said his first tome sold well enough to warrant a sequel. “The Atheist Camel Rants Again!” will hit virtual book shelves in June, if the world lasts that long.
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152 comments Add your comment
Gae
May 11th, 2011
6:08 am
Atheist is just a word. Every man finds God within himself because he KNOWS that there is a Creator and man did not make the earth and trees and wood and wind and water and animals AND man. He in fact still CANNOT make them. It does not have to be the Christian God – He just happens to be the most logical and believable, despite His mysteriousness. When so-called religious people no longer want to cope they start believing in the “end of the world”. I don’t know what the people who are alive now have done to be so deserving, that the world should end now to suit them. My mother is 95 and is NOT suicidal. I at my comparatively “tender age” am more likely to develop suicidal tendencies. Imagine what the world was like even 70 years ago and try to find good reason to remain hopeful.
DanDeacon
May 11th, 2011
6:16 am
Apparently these atheists are watching too much Ocra on tv during the day who has defied Jesus publicly. Do not be misled by people like her or those that defy Jesus. Every person and aethists, that ignore the facts of the Bible as verified by true theologions and exceptionally educated people, should fall on their knees immediately and ask Jesus for forgiveness of their sins and to come into their life. The Bible clearly states and has verified that Jesus said, I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” (John 14: 6,7).
Every atheists can become saved and be given eternal life in heaven. You have a choice to have eternity in heaven or hell. I beg you to pray with me now:
Dear God in heaven, I come to you in the name of Jesus. I acknowledge to You that I am a sinner, and I am sorry for my sins and the life that I have lived; I need your forgiveness.
I believe that your only begotten Son Jesus Christ shed His precious blood on the cross at Calvary and died for my sins, and I am now willing to turn from my sin.
You said in Your Holy Word, Romans 10:9 that if we confess the Lord our God and believe in our hearts that God raised Jesus from the dead, we shall be saved.
Right now I confess Jesus as the Lord of my soul. With my heart, I believe that God raised Jesus from the dead. This very moment I accept Jesus Christ as my own personal Savior and according to His Word, right now I am saved.
Thank you Jesus for your unlimited grace which has saved me from my sins. I thank you Jesus that your grace never leads to license, but rather it always leads to repentance. Therefore Lord Jesus transform my life so that I may bring glory and honor to you alone and not to myself.
Thank you Jesus for dying for me and giving me eternal life.
Amen.
It’s our choice to make….eternal life in heaven or eternal life in hell. I ask you make the same choice I’ve made and millions of others have made – eternal life in heaven by believing in the Lord Jesus Christ. Let the facts of the Bible help guide you to your decision. I pray for you today and hope you’ll make the choice to trust in Jesus.
Becky
May 11th, 2011
6:22 am
To those who think that atheists are ignorant of religion: the Pew Research Center found that atheists score highest on a test of religious knowledge. http://pewforum.org/Other-Beliefs-and-Practices/U-S-Religious-Knowledge-Survey.aspx
Just sayin’…..
TheAntiMe
May 11th, 2011
6:25 am
Jesus is just alright by me, but Judas Priest kicks some serious azz! And wow folks, this is a blog that deals with humor. Take a chill pill and don’t get your proverbial panties in a wad.
Rosa
May 11th, 2011
7:48 am
This whole thing is not Christian at all. Jesus said that no one would know the day. Read a Bible and you will find out that a whole lot of this end-times stuff is made up in peoples’ minds. The Scriptures are very clear that it is not clear when this day will occur.
Shaking My Head
May 11th, 2011
8:04 am
I find this whole situation to be very sad. I am a Christian, and I love Jesus, but I also know that no man knows the day or the hour that Jesus will return – only the Father knows (Mark 13:32). The thing is, MOST Christians have actually read at least enough of the Bible to know that fact. This group of people clearly has NOT, and yet people associate all of Christianity with this specific group of people. Christians are not a bunch of nut jobs; at least, not all of us. I believe that the Bible is the infallible Word of God. Any other doctrine is false…including this May 21st idea.
Chode McBlob
May 11th, 2011
8:20 am
Since there’s no such thing as God and Jesus isn’t coming and their visions of doom won’t happen. They will all be claiming their pets back on May 22nd.
Chode McBlob
May 11th, 2011
8:22 am
Sure are a lot of bible thumpers commenting here! Athiests won’t go to heaven or hell because they don’t exist either.
really.
May 11th, 2011
8:22 am
God and Jesus are imaginary friends for adults.
TheAntiMe
May 11th, 2011
8:22 am
Come on people, get a clue. We’ve come to this blog to watch Comedy Central only to find that it has been preempted by The 700 Club. Isn’t there something on TV that you folks should be watching. I don’t know, like maybe Benny Hinn?
That’s OK, I’ll get us back on track here:
Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and Jim Bakker all go into this bar and ask the bartender…
lol – Oh, never mind. I’ll probably just go to Hades for telling that joke anyway.