Going to Heaven May 21? Atheists offer to take care of your pets
As you are doubtless aware, the Second Coming is scheduled for May 21.
Needless to say, it’s time to get your worldly affairs in order, and this includes finding a longterm pet sitter.
Heaven will look nothing like Piedmont Park, atheists say.
The neighbor or brother-in-law won’t be able to help this time. They may be going to heaven too.
Fortunately, there’s a company to turn to in these End Times of need.
Eternal Earth-Bound Pets USA will provide a loving home to pets whose masters have gone to their great reward. Rescue services are available in 26 states, and, since the company is staffed by atheists, chances are they won’t be going to that heavenly place they don’t believe exists.
The company was founded in 2009 by Bart Centre, which sounds like a San Francisco sports venue but is actually the name of a Godless person.
Since cash may soon be worthless, the $135 fee for 10 years of Rapture pet insurance seems reasonable. Additional pets cost $20, so if you’re hoarding critters like an animal shelter you may want to tap into the 401(k) early.
Centre, a retired executive for a national retailer who lives in New Hampshire, said the idea is to make money, not poke fun at Christians.
So far, he’s got 250 clients and 44 contract employees, which doesn’t sound that profitable.
Most clients hail from the Bible Belt, which holds up the moral fabric in the Southern United States. Georgia, the glistening buckle of the aforementioned region, has 16 clients and two post-Rapture pet wranglers.
Southern saints can only purchase coverage for traditional pets.Those with horses, camels, llamas and donkeys will want to quickly move to New Hampshire, Vermont, Idaho or Montana to take advantage of Eternal’s expanded services.
Payment for an iguana had to be rejected because “I couldn’t get anyone to adopt it,” said Centre.
The folks that will tend to Christians’ four-legged friends are Centre’s chosen ones. They love animals and don’t love Jesus.
“These are people not likely to be Raptured under any circumstances,” Bart said in The Washington Post. “Not that we think anybody is going anywhere anyway, which we make perfectly clear on our website.”
Business isn’t exactly booming, but he does get a lot of phone calls from atheists looking for work and angry Christians who say Jesus would never make the devout leave their pets behind.
“God didn’t take care of the animals during the flood,” says Centre, who does not believe in God or Biblical floods.
The author of the heathen classic “The Atheist Camel Chronicles,” said his first tome sold well enough to warrant a sequel. “The Atheist Camel Rants Again!” will hit virtual book shelves in June, if the world lasts that long.
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152 comments Add your comment
S
May 11th, 2011
12:24 am
This human believes in Mother Nature, Mother Earth if you will, she can give and take away instantly. Without her we would not exist. She is awesome, you can see, feel, touch her, she is ever present.. She sees all, cares for all, even fruitcakes that believe in an odd Gods ravings. How nice of these non believers to want to take in these faith based fruitcakes critters, Mother Earth will thank you. She might rain on the fruitcakes though, just to show them who’s boss.
not religious
May 11th, 2011
12:47 am
Hey, did anyone read about that guy that got the face transplant the other day. His face was burned off by an electrical power line while he was voluntarily working on the church. I guess “God” took his eyes off of him.
@Vince
because I actually had to think to believe what I believe in. I grew up in a christian family. Most Christians (or any other religion) don’t realize that they are only Christian because that’s the way they were brought up. Hence why you rarely see people converting from the religion they were brought up as. Of course there are exceptions, but this makes most people, in my eyes, seem retarded.
itpdude
May 11th, 2011
1:23 am
What the crap? Sounds like another atheist money-scam.
Like Jim Jones or any of the other preachers we see on tv.
M
May 11th, 2011
2:02 am
I don’t believe, that Atheists believe, that they don’t believe. Trust me, let the Earth tremble 1 minute, and you will see the light.
M
May 11th, 2011
2:09 am
Atheists are not real, they are all fakes. Break down thier name…..A t > h ei s< t s,,,,,, "HE IS".. is in the Center of that name. They do believe in GOD!
lotsofspareparts
May 11th, 2011
2:38 am
God didn’t take care of animals in the flood? you must have missed that part about him taking 2 of every animal on the ark , oh that’s right but you don’t read the bible in the first place, besides that god was the one that CREATED all the animals . I feel sorry for you atheist while I don’t believe in the may 21st thing because no one knows the hour or the day that the world will end you are still mistaken in believing that every thing is just coincidence .
God didn’t take the animals you dork, Noah did. I know that and I am an atheist!!
lois
May 11th, 2011
2:45 am
sorry but you all have been misinformed,we do not know when christ return will be and only those who have acepted him as their saviour will be going with him so atheist don’t be so greedy and want everyones pets,were not leaving on the 21 st of may or if we are we don’t know about it,thought you atheist didn’t belive this why are you so intersted then?
lois
May 11th, 2011
2:55 am
Enter your comments here
TheAntiMe
May 11th, 2011
4:54 am
You know, I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone this but it turns out that the May 21 rapture people were right, sort of. I fairly recently traveled through time and visited the year 2022. It seems that on May 21, 2011 thousands of folks did actually vanish from the Earth with no apparent explanation. As you can imagine, this created quite a buzz and was a very hot topic of debate as to where these people actually went and how.
That was, until March of 2016 when a probe that had been launched by NASA to study the outer regions of our solar system picked up some very strange radio signals coming from the planet Uranus. Upon closer inspection, the probe discovered what appeared to be a large city of at least 250,000 humans who were actually living on Uranus. Everyone seemed to be deliriously happy and were, generally, just having a blast.
When the scientists at NASA were able to make contact with these humans, it was revealed that they were indeed the same people who had disappeared on May 21, 2011 and had been picked up in a spaceship that was piloted by Darth Vader, Beetlejuice, and all four Teletubbies. Also on the spaceship were Tupac Shakur, Kurt Cobain, and Elvis. As you can imagine, life on Uranus these days is certainly not lacking in entertainment.
So, as it turns out, any of you folks who are planning on disappearing from our humble planet on May 21 will actually be doing the right thing by enlisting a service to provide for your pets. I suppose for you folks, this relocation to Uranus will be a good news/bad news type of deal. The bad news, of course, is that your destination will not be quite as high up as you were hoping for. The good news, however, is that you will be much happier living on Uranus with Darth, Elvis, the Teletubbies, and the rest of the crew. At least when I returned from there in 2022 you folks still were having fun. Just watch out for Beetlejuice. He’s a funny dude but his bug breath is a little overpowering at times.
Bon voyage, future space cadets and don’t forget to write.
rob
May 11th, 2011
5:53 am
Thomas.. Noahs Ark? are you kidding me? you believe in that fairy tale? come on…..