Going to Heaven May 21? Atheists offer to take care of your pets

As you are doubtless aware, the Second Coming is scheduled for May 21.

Needless to say, it’s time to get your worldly affairs in order, and this includes finding a longterm pet sitter.

Heaven will look nothing like Piedmont Park, atheists say.

The neighbor or brother-in-law won’t be able to help this time. They may be going to heaven too.

Fortunately, there’s a company to turn to in these End Times of need.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets USA will provide a loving home to pets whose masters have gone to their great reward. Rescue services are available in 26 states, and, since the company is staffed by atheists, chances are they won’t be going to that heavenly place they don’t believe exists.

The company was founded in 2009 by Bart Centre, which sounds like a San Francisco sports venue but is actually the name of a Godless person.

Since cash may soon be worthless, the $135 fee for 10 years of Rapture pet insurance seems reasonable. Additional pets cost $20, so if you’re hoarding critters like an animal shelter you may want to tap into the 401(k) early.

Centre, a retired executive for a national retailer who lives in New Hampshire, said the idea is to make money, not poke fun at Christians.

So far, he’s got 250 clients and 44 contract employees, which doesn’t sound that profitable.

Most clients hail from the Bible Belt, which holds up the moral fabric in the Southern United States. Georgia, the glistening buckle of the aforementioned region, has 16 clients and two post-Rapture pet wranglers.

Southern saints can only purchase coverage for traditional pets.Those with horses, camels, llamas and donkeys will want to quickly move to New Hampshire, Vermont, Idaho or Montana to take advantage of Eternal’s expanded services.

Payment for an iguana had to be rejected because “I couldn’t get anyone to adopt it,” said Centre.

The folks that will tend to Christians’ four-legged friends are Centre’s chosen ones. They love animals and don’t love Jesus.

“These are people not likely to be Raptured under any circumstances,” Bart said in The Washington Post. “Not that we think anybody is going anywhere anyway, which we make perfectly clear on our website.”

Business isn’t exactly booming, but he does get a lot of phone calls from atheists looking for work and angry Christians who say Jesus would never make the devout leave their pets behind.

“God didn’t take care of the animals during the flood,” says Centre, who does not believe in God or Biblical floods.

The author of the heathen classic “The Atheist Camel Chronicles,” said his first tome sold well enough to warrant a sequel. “The Atheist Camel Rants Again!” will hit virtual book shelves in June, if the world lasts that long.