Going to Heaven May 21? Atheists offer to take care of your pets
As you are doubtless aware, the Second Coming is scheduled for May 21.
Needless to say, it’s time to get your worldly affairs in order, and this includes finding a longterm pet sitter.
Heaven will look nothing like Piedmont Park, atheists say.
The neighbor or brother-in-law won’t be able to help this time. They may be going to heaven too.
Fortunately, there’s a company to turn to in these End Times of need.
Eternal Earth-Bound Pets USA will provide a loving home to pets whose masters have gone to their great reward. Rescue services are available in 26 states, and, since the company is staffed by atheists, chances are they won’t be going to that heavenly place they don’t believe exists.
The company was founded in 2009 by Bart Centre, which sounds like a San Francisco sports venue but is actually the name of a Godless person.
Since cash may soon be worthless, the $135 fee for 10 years of Rapture pet insurance seems reasonable. Additional pets cost $20, so if you’re hoarding critters like an animal shelter you may want to tap into the 401(k) early.
Centre, a retired executive for a national retailer who lives in New Hampshire, said the idea is to make money, not poke fun at Christians.
So far, he’s got 250 clients and 44 contract employees, which doesn’t sound that profitable.
Most clients hail from the Bible Belt, which holds up the moral fabric in the Southern United States. Georgia, the glistening buckle of the aforementioned region, has 16 clients and two post-Rapture pet wranglers.
Southern saints can only purchase coverage for traditional pets.Those with horses, camels, llamas and donkeys will want to quickly move to New Hampshire, Vermont, Idaho or Montana to take advantage of Eternal’s expanded services.
Payment for an iguana had to be rejected because “I couldn’t get anyone to adopt it,” said Centre.
The folks that will tend to Christians’ four-legged friends are Centre’s chosen ones. They love animals and don’t love Jesus.
“These are people not likely to be Raptured under any circumstances,” Bart said in The Washington Post. “Not that we think anybody is going anywhere anyway, which we make perfectly clear on our website.”
Business isn’t exactly booming, but he does get a lot of phone calls from atheists looking for work and angry Christians who say Jesus would never make the devout leave their pets behind.
“God didn’t take care of the animals during the flood,” says Centre, who does not believe in God or Biblical floods.
The author of the heathen classic “The Atheist Camel Chronicles,” said his first tome sold well enough to warrant a sequel. “The Atheist Camel Rants Again!” will hit virtual book shelves in June, if the world lasts that long.
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152 comments Add your comment
Seeyouinheaven
May 10th, 2011
9:45 pm
If I am a Christian, my dog must be a Christian, so she is going with me.
vince
May 10th, 2011
9:46 pm
No thin skin here. You do not even know my beliefs.
It is just a question of respect.
If you want to be an atheist, then please, go be an atheist.
If you want to be Wiccan, then please, go be Wiccan.
I just don’t get making fun of people because of their beliefs.
A couple of years ago a good friend took me to his Hindu temple. Everything about the temple, his practices, his thoughts….everything…went counter to what I believed. BUT…I did not make fun of him or his religion because he it holds an important place in his life. I respect his decision to believe what he wants to believe.
Why not just let others believe what they want and not make fun of them?
Seeyouinheaven
May 10th, 2011
9:48 pm
Vince: Well said
Progressive Humanist
May 10th, 2011
9:56 pm
Vince,
Do you find it odd or funny that Scientologists believe that trillions of years ago (a time period that did not exist) aliens impregnated volcanoes on Earth with the souls of other aliens and that those souls now reside in human beings? I think that’s hilarious!
We make fun of stupid beliefs that people have, whether those beliefs entail rectal probes inserted by aliens or martyrs getting 72 virgins to have sex with in paradise if they blow themselves up along with women and children.
vince
May 10th, 2011
10:04 pm
@ Progressive Humanist
I am aware of what the Scientologists believe and while it might seem odd to me and I might not buy any of it I will not make fun of them for their beliefs.
Let me use the Jehovah’s Witnesses as an example. According to them, I will end up going to hell when I die because I am not one of them. I disagree with them, I may have a discussion with t hem in my front yard….heck, I might even turn off the TV and turnoff the lights when Isee them coming up my drive…BUT again, what I will not do is make fun of them.
Making fun of other people for whatever reason hardly seems “progressive” or “humanist” to me.
Why not just leave them alone?
M
May 10th, 2011
10:07 pm
Vince, YOU might not be trying to legislate crazy beliefs, but people most definitely are.
vince
May 10th, 2011
10:09 pm
M
Am I making any sense here, at all?
I honestly just don’t agree with making fun of another person’s beliefs, nationality, race, sexuality, etc.
It’s just wrong.
Maybe it is my moral compass.
TheAntiMe
May 10th, 2011
10:11 pm
Um… Why would pets be raptured with you? Last I checked animals don’t have souls so they won’t be allowed into heaven…… Sit and think about that for a minute.
And I guess that’s a fact because you know everything? It seems that you and God have that omniscient thing in common. How convenient. Why does anyone need God, Curious, when we’ve got you to tell us how things are?
M
May 10th, 2011
10:13 pm
Vince, I’m not talking about YOU.
But I, however, reserve the right to make fun of idiotic beliefs like “gay marriage will ruin society. God says gays shouldn’t marry.” This belief is nonsensical and silly. And it’s not a live-and-let-live kind of thing. This belief hurts people. It tells people that they are inferior and that they do not deserve the rights that others enjoy.
This is why I make fun of it and oppose it on every level, even in blogs…because hopefully, people will educate themselves and see how stupid it really is.
Proud atheist
May 10th, 2011
10:38 pm
I’m constantly amazed when people who have survived a terrible tragedy (i.e. the tornadoes last week where 300 people were killed) say things like, “God was watching over me. It wasn’t my time”? Really???? So do you think the imaginary man in the sky looked down to earth and thought, I’ll let these people live, but the other 300….it’s their time to die. That kind of mindset is so incredibly unbelievable to me. Or the people who still continue to financially support someone like “Bishop” Eddie Long. Is it appropriated for a “minister” to send teenaged boys pictures of himself in tight spandex outfits? If he were really innocent, would he really be paying off these boys to keep them quiet??? Come on people, it’s 2011. Think for yourselves. Too many people never question what they’ve been told all their lives. We evolved. Get over it!