Going to Heaven May 21? Atheists offer to take care of your pets

As you are doubtless aware, the Second Coming is scheduled for May 21.

Needless to say, it’s time to get your worldly affairs in order, and this includes finding a longterm pet sitter.

Heaven will look nothing like Piedmont Park, atheists say.

Heaven will look nothing like Piedmont Park, atheists say.

The neighbor or brother-in-law won’t be able to help this time. They may be going to heaven too.

Fortunately, there’s a company to turn to in these End Times of need.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets USA will provide a loving home to pets whose masters have gone to their great reward. Rescue services are available in 26 states, and, since the company is staffed by atheists, chances are they won’t be going to that heavenly place they don’t believe exists.

The company was founded in 2009 by Bart Centre, which sounds like a San Francisco sports venue but is actually the name of a Godless person.

Since cash may soon be worthless, the $135 fee for 10 years of Rapture pet insurance seems reasonable. Additional pets cost $20, so if you’re hoarding critters like an animal shelter you may want to tap into the 401(k) early.

Centre, a retired executive for a national retailer who lives in New Hampshire, said the idea is to make money, not poke fun at Christians.

So far, he’s got 250 clients and 44 contract employees, which doesn’t sound that profitable.

Most clients hail from the Bible Belt, which holds up the moral fabric in the Southern United States. Georgia, the glistening buckle of the aforementioned region, has 16 clients and two post-Rapture pet wranglers.

Southern saints can only purchase coverage for traditional pets.Those with horses, camels, llamas and donkeys will want to quickly move to New Hampshire, Vermont, Idaho or Montana to take advantage of Eternal’s expanded services.

Payment for an iguana had to be rejected because “I couldn’t get anyone to adopt it,” said Centre.

The folks that will tend to Christians’ four-legged friends are Centre’s chosen ones. They love animals and don’t love Jesus.

“These are people not likely to be Raptured under any circumstances,” Bart said in The Washington Post. “Not that we think anybody is going anywhere anyway, which we make perfectly clear on our website.”

Business isn’t exactly booming, but he does get a lot of phone calls from atheists looking for work and angry Christians who say Jesus would never make the devout leave their pets behind.

“God didn’t take care of the animals during the flood,” says Centre, who does not believe in God or Biblical floods.

The author of the heathen classic “The Atheist Camel Chronicles,” said his first tome sold well enough to warrant a sequel. “The Atheist Camel Rants Again!” will hit virtual book shelves in June, if the world lasts that long.

152 comments Add your comment

M

May 11th, 2011
10:48 am

And there are plenty of us who can’t believe in something that we know is untrue. If someone told you today that you had to believe in Santa Claus in order to receive eternal life…you couldn’t do it, no matter how hard you tried to convince yourself that you could. You’d never believe it.

sky2fall

May 11th, 2011
11:00 am

Atheists may not have sense of faith, but they do have a sense of humor!

Adam

May 11th, 2011
11:51 am

I was born and raised a christian, but then I started thinking for myself as I got older, I highly recommend thinking for yourself to all religious people, it really helps you to live a better and loving life. Religion is not loving, it is judging and excluding of others… I love and accept all people now regardless of what you believe in… I really feel sorry for religious people, they need help… Hundreds of years now the human race will look back on religion as a mental illness… Everyone, atheists and agnostics lets work together to lift the veil from the religious peoples eyes… They are going through a very rough time mentally and they need our help. I dislike how non-religious people make fun of religious people, making fun of people who are mentally ill is not loving. Let’s work together to help each other.

Love,

Adam.

Malachi

May 11th, 2011
12:17 pm

As a Christian I find this rapture business insulting. Where does these foolish Fundementalists find justification for this in the Bible? There is no mention of a Rapture……at all. Jesus is very clear that we will die and then go to heaven and at a certain point Heaven and Earth will more or less join and Jesus will be King. So nothing like this…

M

May 11th, 2011
12:27 pm

Jesus was also very clear that “this generation will not pass” until the second coming had occurred. That was, oh, about two thousand years ago.

GOD

May 11th, 2011
1:03 pm

YOU’VE GOT IT WRONG.

I WANT THE DOGS AND CATS.

PEOPLE SUCK AND ARE NOT ALLOWED IN HEAVEN.

Joe Mama

May 11th, 2011
1:08 pm

FrootLoops — “For each of you atheists reading this, take a moment today and read all of Revelations today. I’m not asking you to all of a suddent believe or convert. But read…it’s also in audio. Come back and comment. Tell us all what you think.”

I read it years ago; I think it reads like a fever dream.

?

May 11th, 2011
2:29 pm

JOE MAMA …PLAGERIST

Joe Mama

May 11th, 2011
2:36 pm

? — “JOE MAMA …PLAGERIST”

Visualize using your key, Champ. And the word you’re looking for is “plagiarist,” but it doesn’t apply to me.

Joe Mama

May 11th, 2011
2:42 pm

Shift key, even

saved

May 11th, 2011
3:09 pm

CLASSIC statement – “God didn’t take care of the animals in the flood” says Centre who DOESN’T BELIEVE IN GOD OR BIBLICAL FLOODS.

?

May 11th, 2011
3:25 pm

SURE IT DOES……DOUCHE NOZZLE

Joe Mama

May 11th, 2011
3:31 pm

“SURE IT DOES……DOUCHE NOZZLE”

Is today a school holiday? Or are the kids already back at home this afternoon?

/

May 11th, 2011
3:31 pm

and your screen name is lame. so eighties

Joe Mama

May 11th, 2011
3:35 pm

Ah. I see. It’s the Sony PS3 refugees. Can’t play games online, so they troll IBBs, looking for people to snipe at.

I’m not really concerned with your criticism, slash-guy. But go ahead and slag if it makes you feel better.

/

May 11th, 2011
3:41 pm

oh yes you are concerned, thats why you keep replying …..dork

Joe Mama

May 11th, 2011
4:32 pm

Ony replied to *you* once, kid. This post makes twice.

Back to class, ignoramus.

donkey200

May 11th, 2011
5:29 pm

Atheists Rule! Go, go, go! Pets are generally nicer than people anyway and if christians and other organized religious believers were supposedly made after God’s image, hmm, what does that have to say???

Anonymous

May 11th, 2011
8:58 pm

Hey, it’s a great money maker, I’ll give them that. I’m quite sure he’s not coming back on the 21st just to prove all them wrong.

Whoever is paying the money out to them are probably not true Christians, and are concerned more about there pets than their eternal future. http://www.needhim.org

Chuck

May 11th, 2011
10:24 pm

To the people fussing about “read your Bible — there were 2 of every animal”: read your Bible – specifically in the Genesis 7:2 range.

ragman

May 11th, 2011
10:55 pm

If I can’t take my dogs with me I don’t want to go.

/

May 12th, 2011
8:43 am

OH JOE, you are too easy.

Mr. Waltrip

May 12th, 2011
10:27 am

Well we all know that times will be tough here on earth when we all go to heaven. Your pets will be food. I’ll see you in glory.

kim

May 12th, 2011
11:51 am

To the people who say there were 2 of every animal- read it again. There were NOT 2 of every kind of animal.
There were 2 of every unclean animal and 7 of every clean animal so the people would have food to eat. If they’d eaten one of the unclean animals, there would have been none left for reproducing their own kind.
The people were allowed to eat the clean animals after the flood.

kim

May 12th, 2011
11:55 am

Adam, there is a difference in ‘religious people’ and ‘Christians’.
I agree that religion is judgemental and religious people tend to try to force their own beliefs, but I am a Christian. I believe in letting people live the way they want to even if I do not agree with what they do. I have some very close friends who are homosexuals and religious people give me a hard time for even talking to them. I don’t do what they do, but they are still my friends and I love them.
Everyone doesn’t have to agree with me for me to love them or be their friend. I think people want others to agree with their beliefs so they can feel justified in their beliefs because they are not 100 % confident in what they believe. SO if they have only people around them who agree with them, they some how feel like they are right.

Don Lloyd

May 12th, 2011
2:12 pm

Believers did not choose God. He chose his people in Christ,before he made the world. Athiests are not going to Heaven God left all fools out of his plan of redemption!

JC

May 12th, 2011
5:05 pm

It’s so funny how some will take the Bible’s myths as the word of God, but won’t place any faith in cold, hard science. I wouldn’t mind if all of the Bible thumpers got their Rapture. Then maybe the rest of us could actually get down to business sorting out this mess of a world we’re in, unencumbered by the gullibles.

rick foxx

May 12th, 2011
6:22 pm

9 more daze,i think it’s funny.if i want streets of gold i’ll just go up the street to disney world…

cs

May 13th, 2011
2:35 am

It seems as if another group has entered the billboard wars in Camping’s/Family Radio’s back yard of Oakland, CA. They are disputing Camping’s claims with a compelling message of “Jesus is already here.” Here’s the billboard photo:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/62779138@N08/57080636

Eli

May 13th, 2011
3:00 pm

How can the pets go to Heaven, if they do not have souls? I’ll be happy to offer my discounted pet-sitting services. Pay me $100 before May 21st and I will ensure your cat, dog, fish, horse, cow, or whatever will be taken care of in the event of the Rapture occurring that day.

Eli

May 13th, 2011
3:05 pm

Noah would have to have had 30,000 arks of the size noted in the Bible to carry just two of every animal. And it is the book of Revelation, not the plural Revelations. And this is coming from another Atheist who knows the bible better than most Christians.

Adam R.

May 14th, 2011
8:03 am

People who believe a dead man got up and walked around–and who ritually cannibalize his flesh–are calling Harold Camping crazy. Potkettle.

Clyde

May 14th, 2011
8:23 am

They just could not wait till Dec 21, 2012? That is the more popular date & sure to produce more profit. i really want some of what these people are smoking! no, really, it’s gotta be good!

Micae

May 14th, 2011
7:35 pm

I have a question that I really surprised I’ve yet to see anyone ask…here AND on other ’sites’…

What happens if you have a puppy or very young animal (whatever animal these suckers pay to have ‘looked-after’)…what happens if the animal lives for longer than ten years? Are these ‘Ever-After Looker-Afters’ going to just ‘drop-kick’ their ‘charges’ onto the side of the road or somethin’?

Also, while I’m here…Wuz up with these fools that pay for this ’service’ and call themselves Christians – God is said to destroy the World after ‘The Judgement’ and to throw the ‘Evil Non-Believers’ into a lake of fire…? Ya sure got me!

carman

May 15th, 2011
5:30 pm

there is no god, jesus is a myth, human beings are stupid and they suck

Rightous M

May 15th, 2011
9:05 pm

As for Vince, sorry Bro, but Mr. M has more intelligence and wisdom, and the care of mankind versus your superstitious, Christian ignorance, selfish, believer’s mentality? I will however, love, take care of, and not abuse my pet Chihuahua of 8 years (got from a stripper friend!) give him a proper burial, and say a prayer when he dies. We were all made equal in Gods World, what makes Vince and other believers the rule makers and continue to live in the past? Take care Mr. M and hope to meet you and many of your type in heaven one day!

oot999

May 15th, 2011
10:42 pm

God just had to go and end the world the day after finals….

carla roqs

May 16th, 2011
9:06 am

Tim

May 16th, 2011
9:29 am

OK, what did the lions and tigers and bears eat on the ark? 40 days with no meat? Hmmm…

Rollo

May 16th, 2011
11:12 am

Let’s not forget about the dinosaurs Noah crammed on the ark. Cleaning up after those suckers must have been hell, just to have God let them go extinct like that. I’ll never understand why God is such a meanie, especially to someone as devoted as Noah! Go figure.

Lisa

May 16th, 2011
11:19 am

Right on, Pawzy!!! Didn’t that movie say, “All Dogs Go To Heaven”? LOL!

Judy

May 16th, 2011
8:34 pm

1.) This is ridicules! LOL 2.) Nobody knows the date of the rapture. 3.) I don’t believe our animals won’t be left behind. 4). Read your Bible closely………their were 3 of each animal taken on the ark! I know, it surprised me, too!

Bettie Frizzell

May 16th, 2011
11:48 pm

Does this mean the other members of Seal Team 6 will get a shot at Osama?

T

May 17th, 2011
2:01 am

Thomas – God took care of the animals in the flood???? That’s interesting b/c I would thnk that the animals that drowned “in” the flood would disagree with that conclusion. In fact, I’m quite sure of it. If you recall, Noah only took two of each. Those left behind must have drowned with all those evil, sinning humans the God of Love was so hell bent on killing. If one thought it through,,, there really isn’t any other conclusion to come to. Don’t you agree?

[...] friends and family, plus get the word out about the End of Days. Some are arranging to have their dogs and cats looked after once they ascend, which is a nice way of saying even the believers think pets are atheists. I [...]

Victoria

May 20th, 2011
8:35 pm

I see a lot of comments here about God just letting people take their animals with them. Now don’t misunderstand, I am taking full credit if I’m wrong on this because I hold somewhat less than a position of biblical scholar, but I’ve been told but a devout Christian that the bible says NOBODY goes to Heaven with you…. you don’t live with your family and you don’t lavish on a cloud eating grapes with your significant other like the Greek gods. You simply go to Heaven where everything is apparently so stupendous that it exceeds any earthly pleasure we have ever experienced. And we can’t imagine that as pleasurable if we can’t have the people/things that make us happy here, but we’ll understand as soon as we are there how great everything is. And furthermore, we forget our time on earth so we won’t miss anyone/thing anyway.

Is this in the bible somewhere? And if not, does it say somewhere in the bible that you can take your pets? Just curious if these are visible, readable statements or at least interpretations of statements, or is this just picking and choosing what we believe to hold Christianity as desirable to each individual?

Uncle Joe

May 21st, 2011
2:54 am

I already sacrificed my pets on a stone altar to God. He said that made him happy, so he put off the rupture a few more days.

connie

May 21st, 2011
8:54 am

This doesn’t make sence. When the rapture hits the pets and animals will be raptured as well.

Animals are saints. They are pure of heart and soul. Same with children.

[...] as a bell,” Shulman said. In the USA Today piece, Romney outlined alternative policies …Going to Heaven May 21? Atheists offer to take care of your pets – Atlanta Journal Constitutio…Eternal Earth-Bound Pets USA will provide a loving home to pets whose masters … Centre, a [...]

Davinia Easterwood

May 22nd, 2011
4:53 pm

I know your pets won’t be raptured with you because only those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their saviour will be raptured. And pets can’t do that. So there.