Going to Heaven May 21? Atheists offer to take care of your pets

As you are doubtless aware, the Second Coming is scheduled for May 21.

Needless to say, it’s time to get your worldly affairs in order, and this includes finding a longterm pet sitter.

Heaven will look nothing like Piedmont Park, atheists say.

Heaven will look nothing like Piedmont Park, atheists say.

The neighbor or brother-in-law won’t be able to help this time. They may be going to heaven too.

Fortunately, there’s a company to turn to in these End Times of need.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets USA will provide a loving home to pets whose masters have gone to their great reward. Rescue services are available in 26 states, and, since the company is staffed by atheists, chances are they won’t be going to that heavenly place they don’t believe exists.

The company was founded in 2009 by Bart Centre, which sounds like a San Francisco sports venue but is actually the name of a Godless person.

Since cash may soon be worthless, the $135 fee for 10 years of Rapture pet insurance seems reasonable. Additional pets cost $20, so if you’re hoarding critters like an animal shelter you may want to tap into the 401(k) early.

Centre, a retired executive for a national retailer who lives in New Hampshire, said the idea is to make money, not poke fun at Christians.

So far, he’s got 250 clients and 44 contract employees, which doesn’t sound that profitable.

Most clients hail from the Bible Belt, which holds up the moral fabric in the Southern United States. Georgia, the glistening buckle of the aforementioned region, has 16 clients and two post-Rapture pet wranglers.

Southern saints can only purchase coverage for traditional pets.Those with horses, camels, llamas and donkeys will want to quickly move to New Hampshire, Vermont, Idaho or Montana to take advantage of Eternal’s expanded services.

Payment for an iguana had to be rejected because “I couldn’t get anyone to adopt it,” said Centre.

The folks that will tend to Christians’ four-legged friends are Centre’s chosen ones. They love animals and don’t love Jesus.

“These are people not likely to be Raptured under any circumstances,” Bart said in The Washington Post. “Not that we think anybody is going anywhere anyway, which we make perfectly clear on our website.”

Business isn’t exactly booming, but he does get a lot of phone calls from atheists looking for work and angry Christians who say Jesus would never make the devout leave their pets behind.

“God didn’t take care of the animals during the flood,” says Centre, who does not believe in God or Biblical floods.

The author of the heathen classic “The Atheist Camel Chronicles,” said his first tome sold well enough to warrant a sequel. “The Atheist Camel Rants Again!” will hit virtual book shelves in June, if the world lasts that long.

152 comments Add your comment

vince

May 10th, 2011
10:42 pm

@ M

But don’t you see…you are making value judgments against other people based on YOUR beliefs, YOUR culture, YOUR upbringing, YOUR education

This kind of thinking, and the subsequent making fun of others who don’t think like you is hurtful. It tells people (that) they are inferior and (that) they do not deserve the rights others enjoy….and its’ just not a very good thing to do.

M

May 10th, 2011
10:45 pm

How exactly am I denying others’ rights by saying that gays should be allowed to get married? Am I infringing on your right to be a bigot?

M

May 10th, 2011
10:45 pm

I will respect anyone’s respectable beliefs. “Gays can’t marry because God says they’re icky” is NOT a respectable belief. It is childish and hurtful.

Rodney

May 10th, 2011
10:46 pm

If God has the power to prevent evil, but does not, does that inherently make God evil? I am not an atheist. I am a logical person. And the God that all these churches teach about do not seem logical at all if you really thing about it.

Rodney

May 10th, 2011
10:46 pm

Why do church people inhibit my rights to buy alcohol on Sunday? Are they afraid that their church peers will get drunk on the holy day? I’m confused.

vince

May 10th, 2011
10:46 pm

@ Proud Atheist…

So what if those people believe that? It doesn’t cause you any harm for them to believe that. Why make fun of them or put yourself on some high horse simply because you don’t agree with them.

A far greater sin, or misdeed…if you will,,,,lies in making fun of others.

M

May 10th, 2011
10:49 pm

At some point we had to make fun of people for being afraid of fire or else nobody would’ve come out of the cave.

Rodney

May 10th, 2011
10:52 pm

Hey vince, I respect other people’s beliefs and a lot of my coworkers are religious and go to church and I respect that. As long as people are not hurting other people or animals they can do whatever they want for all I care. But I do feel like I’m a nonreligious person living in a religious world. I tried church when I was younger and my kids actually go to church preschool/daycare. It is not us versus them. We are all people sharing this planet.

vince

May 10th, 2011
10:53 pm

@m

You are calling people stupid for not having the same beliefs as you. Doesn’t that strike you as hypocritical? So some people don’t believe in gay marriage…so what? So some people don’t believe in anything spiritual…so what? I disagree with both political parties…It does not serve me to make fun of people who call themselves Democrats or Republicans.

How did you find a horse so high that you could look down on everyone else who doesn’t think and believe just like you?

vince

May 10th, 2011
10:53 pm

@Rodney..

I respect that. It’s just the making fun of other people’s beliefs that strike me as backward thinking.

Rodney

May 10th, 2011
10:54 pm

You know how awkward it is to be involved in a group prayer when you don’t pray? I just lower my head and stair at the ground out of respect for others in the prayer. I do not say Amen because then I would just be faking it.

M

May 10th, 2011
10:55 pm

Some people don’t believe in gay marriage AND THEREFORE THEY DENY THEM THAT RIGHT, WHICH IS WRONG. If you can’t understand that, I can’t do anything for you.

I’m against any belief that denies someone basic human rights.

Rodney

May 10th, 2011
11:01 pm

I think you are taking M’s jokes too seriously. The one about coming out of the cave kind of makes a little sense if you think about how the Catholic Church persecuted Galileo because he said that the Earth revolves around the sun.

I personally think it is all about control and money and the easiest way to control people and get their money is to say that if you don’t give money to me, pray with me, and do what I tell you, this almighty being that I represent is going to send you into an eternity of burning hell.

M

May 10th, 2011
11:01 pm

And finally, you’re a moron if you think that putting all the animals on a boat was possible. I’m sleepy and tired of pulling punches. Goodnight.

armadillo

May 10th, 2011
11:37 pm

This is so funny. I don’t think the Bible includes animals in heaven if I remember correctly. I like this guy. He has a nice sense of humor.

lamonte

May 10th, 2011
11:37 pm

Agnosticism is the only honest choice.The existence/non-existence of any deity can’t be proven/ disproven. Amen.

LW

May 10th, 2011
11:59 pm

@Troglodyke RE: Why shouldn’t someone capitalize on the fears of believers? They are low-hanging fruit.

SOMEONE ALREADY DOES! IT’S CALLED: THE CHURCH!
To each it’s own… I think it’s a BRILLIANT idea!

HENRY

May 11th, 2011
12:04 am

I LOVE IT……..SEND ME SOME MONEY, I’LL TAKE CARE OF THE PETS

Pandora

May 11th, 2011
12:14 am

Well if the world do end on May 21st..which I SERIOUSLY DOUBT the fools that don’t believe in God will be roasting in hell! :) They will not be watching anybodys’ pet!

Ginnyren

May 11th, 2011
12:17 am

My Ex was a dog will they take him?

S

May 11th, 2011
12:24 am

This human believes in Mother Nature, Mother Earth if you will, she can give and take away instantly. Without her we would not exist. She is awesome, you can see, feel, touch her, she is ever present.. She sees all, cares for all, even fruitcakes that believe in an odd Gods ravings. How nice of these non believers to want to take in these faith based fruitcakes critters, Mother Earth will thank you. She might rain on the fruitcakes though, just to show them who’s boss.

not religious

May 11th, 2011
12:47 am

Hey, did anyone read about that guy that got the face transplant the other day. His face was burned off by an electrical power line while he was voluntarily working on the church. I guess “God” took his eyes off of him.

@Vince
because I actually had to think to believe what I believe in. I grew up in a christian family. Most Christians (or any other religion) don’t realize that they are only Christian because that’s the way they were brought up. Hence why you rarely see people converting from the religion they were brought up as. Of course there are exceptions, but this makes most people, in my eyes, seem retarded.

itpdude

May 11th, 2011
1:23 am

What the crap? Sounds like another atheist money-scam.

Like Jim Jones or any of the other preachers we see on tv.

M

May 11th, 2011
2:02 am

I don’t believe, that Atheists believe, that they don’t believe. Trust me, let the Earth tremble 1 minute, and you will see the light.

M

May 11th, 2011
2:09 am

Atheists are not real, they are all fakes. Break down thier name…..A t > h ei s< t s,,,,,, "HE IS".. is in the Center of that name. They do believe in GOD!

lotsofspareparts

May 11th, 2011
2:38 am

God didn’t take care of animals in the flood? you must have missed that part about him taking 2 of every animal on the ark , oh that’s right but you don’t read the bible in the first place, besides that god was the one that CREATED all the animals . I feel sorry for you atheist while I don’t believe in the may 21st thing because no one knows the hour or the day that the world will end you are still mistaken in believing that every thing is just coincidence .

God didn’t take the animals you dork, Noah did. I know that and I am an atheist!!

lois

May 11th, 2011
2:45 am

sorry but you all have been misinformed,we do not know when christ return will be and only those who have acepted him as their saviour will be going with him so atheist don’t be so greedy and want everyones pets,were not leaving on the 21 st of may or if we are we don’t know about it,thought you atheist didn’t belive this why are you so intersted then?

lois

May 11th, 2011
2:55 am

Enter your comments here

TheAntiMe

May 11th, 2011
4:54 am

You know, I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone this but it turns out that the May 21 rapture people were right, sort of. I fairly recently traveled through time and visited the year 2022. It seems that on May 21, 2011 thousands of folks did actually vanish from the Earth with no apparent explanation. As you can imagine, this created quite a buzz and was a very hot topic of debate as to where these people actually went and how.

That was, until March of 2016 when a probe that had been launched by NASA to study the outer regions of our solar system picked up some very strange radio signals coming from the planet Uranus. Upon closer inspection, the probe discovered what appeared to be a large city of at least 250,000 humans who were actually living on Uranus. Everyone seemed to be deliriously happy and were, generally, just having a blast.

When the scientists at NASA were able to make contact with these humans, it was revealed that they were indeed the same people who had disappeared on May 21, 2011 and had been picked up in a spaceship that was piloted by Darth Vader, Beetlejuice, and all four Teletubbies. Also on the spaceship were Tupac Shakur, Kurt Cobain, and Elvis. As you can imagine, life on Uranus these days is certainly not lacking in entertainment.

So, as it turns out, any of you folks who are planning on disappearing from our humble planet on May 21 will actually be doing the right thing by enlisting a service to provide for your pets. I suppose for you folks, this relocation to Uranus will be a good news/bad news type of deal. The bad news, of course, is that your destination will not be quite as high up as you were hoping for. The good news, however, is that you will be much happier living on Uranus with Darth, Elvis, the Teletubbies, and the rest of the crew. At least when I returned from there in 2022 you folks still were having fun. Just watch out for Beetlejuice. He’s a funny dude but his bug breath is a little overpowering at times.

Bon voyage, future space cadets and don’t forget to write.

rob

May 11th, 2011
5:53 am

Thomas.. Noahs Ark? are you kidding me? you believe in that fairy tale? come on…..

Gae

May 11th, 2011
6:08 am

Atheist is just a word. Every man finds God within himself because he KNOWS that there is a Creator and man did not make the earth and trees and wood and wind and water and animals AND man. He in fact still CANNOT make them. It does not have to be the Christian God – He just happens to be the most logical and believable, despite His mysteriousness. When so-called religious people no longer want to cope they start believing in the “end of the world”. I don’t know what the people who are alive now have done to be so deserving, that the world should end now to suit them. My mother is 95 and is NOT suicidal. I at my comparatively “tender age” am more likely to develop suicidal tendencies. Imagine what the world was like even 70 years ago and try to find good reason to remain hopeful.

DanDeacon

May 11th, 2011
6:16 am

Apparently these atheists are watching too much Ocra on tv during the day who has defied Jesus publicly. Do not be misled by people like her or those that defy Jesus. Every person and aethists, that ignore the facts of the Bible as verified by true theologions and exceptionally educated people, should fall on their knees immediately and ask Jesus for forgiveness of their sins and to come into their life. The Bible clearly states and has verified that Jesus said, I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” (John 14: 6,7).

Every atheists can become saved and be given eternal life in heaven. You have a choice to have eternity in heaven or hell. I beg you to pray with me now:

Dear God in heaven, I come to you in the name of Jesus. I acknowledge to You that I am a sinner, and I am sorry for my sins and the life that I have lived; I need your forgiveness.

I believe that your only begotten Son Jesus Christ shed His precious blood on the cross at Calvary and died for my sins, and I am now willing to turn from my sin.

You said in Your Holy Word, Romans 10:9 that if we confess the Lord our God and believe in our hearts that God raised Jesus from the dead, we shall be saved.

Right now I confess Jesus as the Lord of my soul. With my heart, I believe that God raised Jesus from the dead. This very moment I accept Jesus Christ as my own personal Savior and according to His Word, right now I am saved.

Thank you Jesus for your unlimited grace which has saved me from my sins. I thank you Jesus that your grace never leads to license, but rather it always leads to repentance. Therefore Lord Jesus transform my life so that I may bring glory and honor to you alone and not to myself.

Thank you Jesus for dying for me and giving me eternal life.
Amen.

It’s our choice to make….eternal life in heaven or eternal life in hell. I ask you make the same choice I’ve made and millions of others have made – eternal life in heaven by believing in the Lord Jesus Christ. Let the facts of the Bible help guide you to your decision. I pray for you today and hope you’ll make the choice to trust in Jesus.

Becky

May 11th, 2011
6:22 am

To those who think that atheists are ignorant of religion: the Pew Research Center found that atheists score highest on a test of religious knowledge. http://pewforum.org/Other-Beliefs-and-Practices/U-S-Religious-Knowledge-Survey.aspx

Just sayin’….. :)

TheAntiMe

May 11th, 2011
6:25 am

Jesus is just alright by me, but Judas Priest kicks some serious azz! And wow folks, this is a blog that deals with humor. Take a chill pill and don’t get your proverbial panties in a wad.

Rosa

May 11th, 2011
7:48 am

This whole thing is not Christian at all. Jesus said that no one would know the day. Read a Bible and you will find out that a whole lot of this end-times stuff is made up in peoples’ minds. The Scriptures are very clear that it is not clear when this day will occur.

Shaking My Head

May 11th, 2011
8:04 am

I find this whole situation to be very sad. I am a Christian, and I love Jesus, but I also know that no man knows the day or the hour that Jesus will return – only the Father knows (Mark 13:32). The thing is, MOST Christians have actually read at least enough of the Bible to know that fact. This group of people clearly has NOT, and yet people associate all of Christianity with this specific group of people. Christians are not a bunch of nut jobs; at least, not all of us. I believe that the Bible is the infallible Word of God. Any other doctrine is false…including this May 21st idea.

Chode McBlob

May 11th, 2011
8:20 am

Since there’s no such thing as God and Jesus isn’t coming and their visions of doom won’t happen. They will all be claiming their pets back on May 22nd.

Chode McBlob

May 11th, 2011
8:22 am

Sure are a lot of bible thumpers commenting here! Athiests won’t go to heaven or hell because they don’t exist either.

really.

May 11th, 2011
8:22 am

God and Jesus are imaginary friends for adults.

TheAntiMe

May 11th, 2011
8:22 am

Come on people, get a clue. We’ve come to this blog to watch Comedy Central only to find that it has been preempted by The 700 Club. Isn’t there something on TV that you folks should be watching. I don’t know, like maybe Benny Hinn?

That’s OK, I’ll get us back on track here:

Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and Jim Bakker all go into this bar and ask the bartender…
lol – Oh, never mind. I’ll probably just go to Hades for telling that joke anyway. :P

FrootLoops

May 11th, 2011
8:41 am

I believe in God and that he impregnated Mary who gave birth to Jesus who lived on this Earth and died for the sins of this world (that includes even the atheists). I don’t argue Religion…mostly because there are people who WILL NEVER believe in Jesus. It says so in the Bible.

Where did the date come from? Who came up with it? How did they calculate it? Humor me please. :)

For each of you atheists reading this, take a moment today and read all of Revelations today. I’m not asking you to all of a suddent believe or convert. But read…it’s also in audio. Come back and comment. Tell us all what you think.

As far as the article and the pets, too darn funny. Some of you so-called Christians may need to re-read Revelations as well. :)

kim

May 11th, 2011
9:26 am

I’m a Seventh Day Adventist Christian. I do not believe people will vanish in thin air. The Bible doesn’t teach that. It also doesn’t teach a lot of the popular beliefs Christians have. People have to think for themselves and not just believe everything they’ve been told or taught!
The funny thing about this Rapture insurance for pets is my co-worker has had this idea for a while and we’ve joked about it. I told him he should do this himself because he’d make a killing.
Now he is tripping out that someone already had this idea. :)
I think it’s a hilarious idea and unfortunately, many people will fall for it.

Ryan

May 11th, 2011
9:39 am

It is about time some good moral people started profiting from religion.

JB

May 11th, 2011
9:41 am

@ Thomas
God didn’t take 2 of each animal on the arch, that was Noah.
And you call yourself Christian? LOL

TheAntiMe

May 11th, 2011
9:51 am

For each of you atheists reading this, take a moment today and read all of Revelations today. I’m not asking you to all of a suddent believe or convert. But read…it’s also in audio. Come back and comment. Tell us all what you think.

Although I don’t classify myself as an atheist – I’m open-minded and consider all possibilities – I do like the very dramatic premise of The Revelation. Probably not surprising since I am a big fan of the performing arts. Speaking of the performing arts, I have some adult films to watch now, the first one starring Aurora Snow who is a very talented actress, to be sure. Perhaps I’ll get around to Revelation today but I have a feeling that these films will be revealing enough for my tastes. :D

M

May 11th, 2011
10:13 am

Hmm…someone else has been posting using my handle. Oh well.

This “M” is an atheist.

And as for Revelation…well, I’ve had crazy feverish dreams, too.

FrootLoops

May 11th, 2011
10:27 am

I think it was Joyce Meyers (I could be wrong) who said, it is better to believe and be wrong than to not believe believe and be wrong. :)

good day people

Get Real

May 11th, 2011
10:27 am

Oh the clever things crooks come up with to steal money from unsuspecting idiots. The loonies shelling out the cash must be the same group that was convinced that the world was coming to an end when the year 2000 rolled in. No one knows the day or hour.

M

May 11th, 2011
10:33 am

Get Real,

Of course nobody knows. That’s why this guy says your payment is good for 10 years. :)

TheAntiMe

May 11th, 2011
10:47 am

I think it was Joyce Meyers (I could be wrong) who said, it is better to believe and be wrong than to not believe believe and be wrong.

Well, I reckon. lol – After all, it’s sort of like playing God Monopoly so that you can get that “Get out of Hell free” card. Bonus!!!