Going to Heaven May 21? Atheists offer to take care of your pets

As you are doubtless aware, the Second Coming is scheduled for May 21.

Needless to say, it’s time to get your worldly affairs in order, and this includes finding a longterm pet sitter.

Heaven will look nothing like Piedmont Park, atheists say.

Heaven will look nothing like Piedmont Park, atheists say.

The neighbor or brother-in-law won’t be able to help this time. They may be going to heaven too.

Fortunately, there’s a company to turn to in these End Times of need.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets USA will provide a loving home to pets whose masters have gone to their great reward. Rescue services are available in 26 states, and, since the company is staffed by atheists, chances are they won’t be going to that heavenly place they don’t believe exists.

The company was founded in 2009 by Bart Centre, which sounds like a San Francisco sports venue but is actually the name of a Godless person.

Since cash may soon be worthless, the $135 fee for 10 years of Rapture pet insurance seems reasonable. Additional pets cost $20, so if you’re hoarding critters like an animal shelter you may want to tap into the 401(k) early.

Centre, a retired executive for a national retailer who lives in New Hampshire, said the idea is to make money, not poke fun at Christians.

So far, he’s got 250 clients and 44 contract employees, which doesn’t sound that profitable.

Most clients hail from the Bible Belt, which holds up the moral fabric in the Southern United States. Georgia, the glistening buckle of the aforementioned region, has 16 clients and two post-Rapture pet wranglers.

Southern saints can only purchase coverage for traditional pets.Those with horses, camels, llamas and donkeys will want to quickly move to New Hampshire, Vermont, Idaho or Montana to take advantage of Eternal’s expanded services.

Payment for an iguana had to be rejected because “I couldn’t get anyone to adopt it,” said Centre.

The folks that will tend to Christians’ four-legged friends are Centre’s chosen ones. They love animals and don’t love Jesus.

“These are people not likely to be Raptured under any circumstances,” Bart said in The Washington Post. “Not that we think anybody is going anywhere anyway, which we make perfectly clear on our website.”

Business isn’t exactly booming, but he does get a lot of phone calls from atheists looking for work and angry Christians who say Jesus would never make the devout leave their pets behind.

“God didn’t take care of the animals during the flood,” says Centre, who does not believe in God or Biblical floods.

The author of the heathen classic “The Atheist Camel Chronicles,” said his first tome sold well enough to warrant a sequel. “The Atheist Camel Rants Again!” will hit virtual book shelves in June, if the world lasts that long.

152 comments Add your comment

Frisky Nachos

May 10th, 2011
5:20 pm

Crumpy frisky.

aldga

May 10th, 2011
5:29 pm

So how will the refunds be handled on May 22nd?

Heaven Bound

May 10th, 2011
5:34 pm

Centre, you have time to accept Jesus as YOUR Saviour!! (P.S. Don’t look for the “Second Coming” on May 21, 2011… because NO ONE knows when it will be NOT even Jesus… ONLY God knows… this is FROM the Bible!!!

redeemed

May 10th, 2011
5:37 pm

Oh to have the faith of an Atheist.

John

May 10th, 2011
5:49 pm

Dumb religious mental cases. They should all be locked up in a mental hospital.

Troglodyke

May 10th, 2011
5:52 pm

Why shouldn’t someone capitalize on the fears of believers? They are low-hanging fruit.

Princess

May 10th, 2011
5:53 pm

Oh honey, no refunds. If they are dumb enough to pay the fee they lost that money. Anyway, they’d probably just give it to a creep like the Bishop.

Uhm

May 10th, 2011
6:01 pm

The Bible doesn’t give a date for the rapture… so this doesn’t make sense….

Thomas

May 10th, 2011
6:29 pm

God didn’t take care of animals in the flood? you must have missed that part about him taking 2 of every animal on the ark , oh that’s right but you don’t read the bible in the first place, besides that god was the one that CREATED all the animals . I feel sorry for you atheist while I don’t believe in the may 21st thing because no one knows the hour or the day that the world will end you are still mistaken in believing that every thing is just coincidence .

pawzy

May 10th, 2011
6:29 pm

how do you know that my pet won’t be raptured with me?

TheAntiMe

May 10th, 2011
6:35 pm

Hey, if I can’t bring my bulldog Rumple Minze to heaven with me then I’m just not going to go. Besides, I thought that all dogs go to heaven?

scrooge

May 10th, 2011
6:59 pm

dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!

SaveMe

May 10th, 2011
7:00 pm

I don’t see the difference between what this company is doing and what churches (of all religions) do, they all profit from peoples fear.

I believe in all this nonsense as much as I believe a homeless guy that tells me that “God” speaks to him (isn’t that what Moses also said, lol).

This is hilarious! You just made my day.

Progressive Humanist

May 10th, 2011
7:05 pm

I was thinking of starting an insurance company (called Progressive Humanist, of course) that insured people against being skewered by unicorns and bitten in the knees by leprechauns, but this rapture scheme has millions more potential suckers, err… customers. Great business opportunity!

Bible Beater

May 10th, 2011
7:18 pm

The Bible doesn’t tell you anything other than re-used stories from other cultures when people still thought the world was flat and the Sun revolved around the Earth.

Religious nuts “interpret”the Bible and “speak” for God. How can you take religion seriously?

Noah sailed to the Antartctic to save two penguins? Sure.

Progressive Humanist

May 10th, 2011
7:22 pm

Bible Beater:

I think he used a helicopter to pick up the two kangaroos from Australia.

mark

May 10th, 2011
7:26 pm

How do i get an application? I will even water your plants.

lamonte

May 10th, 2011
7:26 pm

A growing body of social science research reveals that atheists, and non-religious people in general, are far from the unsavory beings many assume them to be. On basic questions of morality and human decency — issues such as governmental use of torture, the death penalty, punitive hitting of children, racism, sexism, homophobia, anti-Semitism, environmental degradation or human rights — the irreligious tend to be more ethical than their religious peers, particularly compared with those who describe themselves as very religious.

mezzamorphis

May 10th, 2011
7:51 pm

Well, here’s my thought…not that I can judge who will go to heaven and who won’t, but if you think logically about it….an athiest has to believe in God so he can say he doesn’t believe He’s there!
And as for someone taking care of my dogs, i’ll just take them with me after all they have been raised in a ‘Christian’ home so i’m sure they’ll go :)

lamonte

May 10th, 2011
8:02 pm

Consider that at the societal level, murder rates are far lower in secularized nations such as Japan or Sweden than they are in the much more religious United States, which also has a much greater portion of its population in prison. Even within this country, those states with the highest levels of church attendance, such as Louisiana and Mississippi, have significantly higher murder rates than far less religious states such as Vermont and Oregon.

[...] Atlanta Journal Constitution (blog) [...]

JesusFreak

May 10th, 2011
8:04 pm

@Thomas, you are so very right. In fact, the Bible warns us to not be predicting the day and hour of our Savior’s return, He says no one will know. That is what differentiates us from those who do not follow God’s Word. Jesus died for all of us, including the atheists. It is their choice to reject God. They say there is no God? In the event that they are wrong, they have so much more to lose than us. What will we have lost? We lived a life free of chains and self-centeredness, serving our communities in the name of Jesus, and worked as though unto God and not men (Col. 3:23), trustworthy and humble. Nothing lost if we die and that’s the end of it. Atheists, on the other hand, serve themselves and have morals that shift according to their particular situations, in other words they serve the god of moral relativism. I do believe that we are not here on this earth by accident and for no reason whatsoever. We will all find out because we will all die. Nothing random about creation and our purpose in life. So blessed to have found the Truth, the Way and the Life.

T.Rex

May 10th, 2011
8:17 pm

How Noah got a pair of Apatosaurus’ on that ark is pure genius.

M

May 10th, 2011
8:38 pm

If only the Christians ACTUALLY served their communities as Jesus (if he ever existed) would have.

shrimp po' boy

May 10th, 2011
8:47 pm

“if you think logically about it….an athiest has to believe in God so he can say he doesn’t believe He’s there!” -mezzamorphis @ 19:51

That’s not logical at all! Maybe you are confusing us atheists with satanists; they are the ones who logically have to believe in “God” because they believe in “Satan”. “God” and “Satan” are characters occupying opposite sides of the same coin. For atheists, there simply is no coin.

M

May 10th, 2011
8:50 pm

Haha…yes. I don’t believe in unicorns.

OMG I SECRETLY BELIEVE IN UNICORNS BECAUSE I SAY I DON’T BELIEVE THEY’RE THERE!

lamonte

May 10th, 2011
8:53 pm

sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell

Atlanta Man

May 10th, 2011
8:55 pm

@ Thomas – God did not take care of the animals in the flood! As you said, he asked for TWO of each! I bet there were more than two of each in the woods or at peoples homes. So, all but one family was happy!

vince

May 10th, 2011
8:55 pm

Here’s what I don’t get:

I don’t make fun of atheists because of their beliefs. I don’t try to change their minds.
I don’t believe what Hindus, Buddhists or Muslims believe either….but I respect their right to believe what they want.

Why do atheists seem so determined to make fun of the beliefs of others? That’s the part I don’t get. Why not just respect someone else’s beliefs and let them think what they want?

M

May 10th, 2011
8:58 pm

Vince, you can believe anything you want. Promise.

We just reserve the right to get pissed when you try to legislate your beliefs. Like in gay marriage. Or demanding that school textbooks contain intelligent design. Or even that idiot in Congress who claimed (on the record) that global warming had to be a hoax because God promised Noah he’d never flood the world again.

That level of idiocy has to be opposed wherever it pops up so that our society as a whole becomes a better one.

Curious

May 10th, 2011
8:59 pm

Um… Why would pets be raptured with you? Last I checked animals don’t have souls so they won’t be allowed into heaven…… Sit and think about that for a minute.

vince

May 10th, 2011
9:04 pm

M

I do not try to legislate my beliefs on anyone. Our Constitution provides for a separation of church (or even non-church) and state. I honor and respect that.

It is just the disrespectful billboards (they don’t address any legislation), the comments from readers above and the push to portray Christians as idiots. I don’t get it.

Why not show similar disrespect toward Hindus, Jews, Muslims…etc. In a way, I guess atheists do since Jews, Muslims and Christians worship one God.

Ever heard of the anti-defamation league?

vince

May 10th, 2011
9:06 pm

The disrespectful attack on people because of their beliefs is really odd when you think about it. The fact that it is treated as sport or a joke is even more unsettling.

shrimp po' boy

May 10th, 2011
9:18 pm

Vince, please stop pretending. You may not push your belief system on others, and that is highly commendable; but you know that a lot of Christians do (especially in the South). They are the ones who elicit a reaction from us from time to time. As for billboards, I can think of quite a few in the metro area over the years that taunt and attempt to marginalise non-believers. My friends and I have even dubbed GA 316 “Proselytization Parkway”.

And for the record, I find Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Sikhs, Wiccans, Zoroastrians, and any other believers in gods or goddesses equally amusing.

M

May 10th, 2011
9:19 pm

For every one “disrespectful” thing you could find towards Christians, I bet I could find 10 that came FROM Christians.

Frankly, I’m all for education. Education is what will ultimately trump superstitious belief. I don’t doubt that you would find the beliefs of other cultures and religions to be idiotic because they’re not the beliefs you grew up with. I mean, look at Scientology. That stuff is just INSANE.

It all looks crazy when you look at it from the outside.

vince

May 10th, 2011
9:27 pm

@shrimp

But do you but up billboards making fun of the beliefs of those other groups?

It is simply a question of respect and one in which atheists seem to delight at making fun of the beliefs of others. It’s odd….at best.

Billboards? I can think of a few on 316 that state things like “Jesus…Coming Soon” or “Pray….God Listens” These billboards do put forth the beliefs of their owners, but they do not make fun of non-believers. That is the difference.

You do not know my beliefs, but you better believe I won’t make fun of yours. I do, however, take exception to your lack of respect for others.

I could say WWJD (What would Jesus Do?) but instead will ask, What would Gandhi do? What would MLK do? What would anyone with tolerance for others do? Would they make fun of others because of their beliefs?

vince

May 10th, 2011
9:33 pm

M

I went back and counted on this blog. Of the 36 comments. about half were just comments…either unintelligible or were offered with no disrespect toward anyone. I counted 14 that were disrespectful toward Christians and three that might be considered somewhat disrespectful toward atheists.

Gee.

M

May 10th, 2011
9:37 pm

Well, this blog IS the definitive source for religious discourse.

I’ll call my gay brother and ask him whether Christians are generally disrespectful or respectful towards him.

vince

May 10th, 2011
9:38 pm

@ Shrimp

And for the record… I would find attacks on Jews, Christians, Atheists, African Americans, homosexuals, Latinos, etc, etc…..equally disrespectful and disturbing.

M

May 10th, 2011
9:42 pm

I’m sorry, Vince…but Christians have been the oppressors for hundreds (if not thousands) of years. This is no time for them to develop a thin skin.

Seeyouinheaven

May 10th, 2011
9:45 pm

If I am a Christian, my dog must be a Christian, so she is going with me.

vince

May 10th, 2011
9:46 pm

No thin skin here. You do not even know my beliefs.

It is just a question of respect.

If you want to be an atheist, then please, go be an atheist.

If you want to be Wiccan, then please, go be Wiccan.

I just don’t get making fun of people because of their beliefs.

A couple of years ago a good friend took me to his Hindu temple. Everything about the temple, his practices, his thoughts….everything…went counter to what I believed. BUT…I did not make fun of him or his religion because he it holds an important place in his life. I respect his decision to believe what he wants to believe.

Why not just let others believe what they want and not make fun of them?

Seeyouinheaven

May 10th, 2011
9:48 pm

Vince: Well said

Progressive Humanist

May 10th, 2011
9:56 pm

Vince,

Do you find it odd or funny that Scientologists believe that trillions of years ago (a time period that did not exist) aliens impregnated volcanoes on Earth with the souls of other aliens and that those souls now reside in human beings? I think that’s hilarious!

We make fun of stupid beliefs that people have, whether those beliefs entail rectal probes inserted by aliens or martyrs getting 72 virgins to have sex with in paradise if they blow themselves up along with women and children.

vince

May 10th, 2011
10:04 pm

@ Progressive Humanist

I am aware of what the Scientologists believe and while it might seem odd to me and I might not buy any of it I will not make fun of them for their beliefs.

Let me use the Jehovah’s Witnesses as an example. According to them, I will end up going to hell when I die because I am not one of them. I disagree with them, I may have a discussion with t hem in my front yard….heck, I might even turn off the TV and turnoff the lights when Isee them coming up my drive…BUT again, what I will not do is make fun of them.

Making fun of other people for whatever reason hardly seems “progressive” or “humanist” to me.

Why not just leave them alone?

M

May 10th, 2011
10:07 pm

Vince, YOU might not be trying to legislate crazy beliefs, but people most definitely are.

vince

May 10th, 2011
10:09 pm

M

Am I making any sense here, at all?

I honestly just don’t agree with making fun of another person’s beliefs, nationality, race, sexuality, etc.

It’s just wrong.

Maybe it is my moral compass.

TheAntiMe

May 10th, 2011
10:11 pm

Um… Why would pets be raptured with you? Last I checked animals don’t have souls so they won’t be allowed into heaven…… Sit and think about that for a minute.

And I guess that’s a fact because you know everything? It seems that you and God have that omniscient thing in common. How convenient. Why does anyone need God, Curious, when we’ve got you to tell us how things are?

M

May 10th, 2011
10:13 pm

Vince, I’m not talking about YOU.

But I, however, reserve the right to make fun of idiotic beliefs like “gay marriage will ruin society. God says gays shouldn’t marry.” This belief is nonsensical and silly. And it’s not a live-and-let-live kind of thing. This belief hurts people. It tells people that they are inferior and that they do not deserve the rights that others enjoy.

This is why I make fun of it and oppose it on every level, even in blogs…because hopefully, people will educate themselves and see how stupid it really is.

Proud atheist

May 10th, 2011
10:38 pm

I’m constantly amazed when people who have survived a terrible tragedy (i.e. the tornadoes last week where 300 people were killed) say things like, “God was watching over me. It wasn’t my time”? Really???? So do you think the imaginary man in the sky looked down to earth and thought, I’ll let these people live, but the other 300….it’s their time to die. That kind of mindset is so incredibly unbelievable to me. Or the people who still continue to financially support someone like “Bishop” Eddie Long. Is it appropriated for a “minister” to send teenaged boys pictures of himself in tight spandex outfits? If he were really innocent, would he really be paying off these boys to keep them quiet??? Come on people, it’s 2011. Think for yourselves. Too many people never question what they’ve been told all their lives. We evolved. Get over it!