CDC: Sick people sleep with dogs

Against medical advice, Sandra Bullock attempts to kiss a dog.

A majority of canine owners who can’t trick a human into sharing a bed with them literally lie down with dogs, according to a new study.

This behavior not only violates Scripture, but is unhealthy, according to smart people at the the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, who’ve got time for this kinda thing when not overreacting to other perceived threats.

Women are more likely than men to sleep with dogs, which I could have told them for free.

The study busts out several maladies that can affect those foolish enough to share a bed with an animal, including the fantastically titled “zoonoses,” which is any infectious disease transmitted from animal to man. (e.g. lycanthropy)

Specific afflictions include:

• The Plague. Students of history may recall it wiped out half of Europe before we had the CDC around to figure it out.
• Chagas Disease. Never heard of it. I also could not think of anything funny to say about it.
• Cat-Scratch Disease, which Ted Nugent warned us of way back in the 1970s.
• The much-feared Capnocytophaga canimorsus, which is impossible to pronounce but easy to prevent. Quit kissing your dog ladies!
• Rabies. Remember the sad tale of Old Yeller? It taught me to not let the precious family pet play with slobbering and angry wolves. It should teach you to get Rover his own bed.

“The risk for transmission of zoonotic agents by close contact between pets and their owners through bed sharing, kissing or licking is real and has even been documented for life-threatening infections such as plague,” some researcher said.

Or, as a cranky husband might phrase it — “Beds are for people!”