Cap’n Crunch refuses to walk retirement plank

A 48-year-old cereal icon, Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch, today denied reports he would be forced into retirement.

Childhood obesity ahoy!

Childhood obesity ahoy!

“I’m hearing the rumors. I would never retire. I love being a captain too much!” the sugar-infused sailor said Thursday via a newly-created Twitter account.

He repeats his delicious message of hope on a new website.

Earlier reports indicated Quaker, the maker of the bowled confection, would be forced to make the Cap’n walk the plank in an effort to make their products healthier.

Last year, PepsiCo, owner of Quaker, said it would reduce added sugar per serving by 25 percent in its products over the next 10 years.

A single serving of Original Cap’n Crunch has 12 grams of the sugar, which nutritionists say is almost half of the recommended daily intake. Other cereal makers have stated they will not advertise cereal to children that contains more than 10 grams of sugar per serving.

Tony the Tiger could not be reached for comment.

52 comments Add your comment

1st Mate Crunch

March 10th, 2011
4:09 pm

Everyone knows that the roof-of-the-mouth shredding characteristics of Cap’n Crunch is a strong deterrent to overindulging in this delicious part of nutritious breakfast. Cereals with less abrasive textures –even with lower sugar-content– are more likely to be abused through multiple servings. Now, CRUNCHATIZE ME, CAP’N!

aye aye 1st mate

March 10th, 2011
4:31 pm

you’ve identified the issue well 1st mate. and remember, the crunch always gives you away

Bowl Wonder

March 10th, 2011
4:38 pm

Just don’t drink the gnarly milk when finished.


March 10th, 2011
4:38 pm

Good news for Cap’n Crunch lovers everywhere!

This political correctness with food is really starting to p*** me off. I am sick of Michelle Obama or “nutrition experts” telling me how much of something, TO THE GRAM, that I’m supposed to have.

You know what the nutritional guidelines were for the Little House on the Prarie days of the 1880s? here it was: EXERCISE YOUR BODY AND YOU WON’T BE OBESE! These people probably ate 2,500 to 3,000 calories a day — whole milk, sugar in apple pies, cheese, fatty beef, fried chicken, mashed potatoes with butter, etc. But you know what? They didn’t sit on their butts and eat a dozen doughnuts at a time — they worked HARD and burned calories off!

Americans need to learn this lesson… MODERATION. You can eat whatever the crap you want, as long as you don’t over-indulge and as long as you exercise regularly. We don’t need the government or Michelle Obama or the FDA police telling us that we CAN’T have anything — no trans fats, no sugar, no doughnuts, no cheeseburgers, no fries, no sweet breakfast cereals, etc. You know what? Those decisions are for ME to make for me and my family — MY decision, NOT yours.

If you want to eat Cap’n Crunch or Pop Tarts or whatever for breakfast… if you enjoy an occaisional fast-food burger and fries for lunch… if you like to have a beer and wings on Friday night or bake a cake on the weekend… HAVE AT IT! But make up for it by eating plenty of fruits, vegetables, grains, dairy, lean protein and water. And for God sakes, everyone, exercise a little! Take a jog, run around with your kids, take up tennis, use a push mower to cut your grass… do SOMETHING to stay active.

If you follow that formula, you’ll be fine… we don’t need the food police telling us what we can and can’t eat. The free market system will take over — if the next generation doesn’t like doughnuts or cakes or soft drinks, then the demand will decrease. But stop telling Americans what they have to eat and what they can’t eat — it’s up to every individual to be responsible for their OWN lives and make their OWN choices for their families.

Wake up, America… the nanny state is trying to take over. First it’s french fries, then it’s soft drinks, then it’s cereal… when does it end? when do food choices become ours again?

I know vegetarians who ate nothing but celery, wheat bread, and water, and they died of heart problems at 45 years old (true story)… yet three of my four grandparents, who all love buttermilk, fried chicken, homemade cakes and pies, and Coca-Cola, are all around 90 years old. It’s all a matter of moderation, self control, and prudence — something the world today is sorely lacking.

More power to the Cap’n!

Barack Obama

March 10th, 2011
4:49 pm

I like Cap’n crunch when I’m stoned, which is most of the time.


March 10th, 2011
4:58 pm

I always knew this paper was a rag…..but this story definitely confirms it.


March 10th, 2011
4:59 pm

I take that back. Didn’t realize it was a Mathis article, who I respect.


March 10th, 2011
5:10 pm


Those people also lived to about 55 years old.

get off your @rse

March 10th, 2011
5:18 pm

Hey, Angry Jeff: There is NOTHING that either Obama is doing that is regulating what we’re eating. Why are you lying? Michelle talks about her spare rib dinners, and says use moderation, and also exercise–the exact recommendations you just wrote! In fact, her program is called “Let’s Move”. Gee–sounds like exercise to me.

The sad fact is, parents are failing, and they need more information. There’s no calorie police. You can still have french fries and sugary sodas and whatever you want. So stop lying about your fantasy nanny state.

Captain Bligh

March 10th, 2011
5:27 pm

Captain Crunch will take voluntary retirement. Count Chocula and Frankenberry were terminated with extreme prejudice. Jeff I don’t know you but your comments are idiotic. I would tell you to up your meds but I’m sure you will take offense. AARGH!!

Mr. T

March 10th, 2011
5:31 pm

I pity the fool that take my cereal!


March 10th, 2011
5:34 pm

Wow, Jeff, I bet you flew into a rage every day at Laura Bush’s “Literacy Police.” And my god, public libraries only offering certain selections, with their nanny-state childrens sections…where is Ayn Rand with a flamethrower when you need her?


March 10th, 2011
5:37 pm

if you want to eat healthier or no sugar then find another cereal… Captian Crunch is amazing. DONT GO AWAY!!!

Tony the Tiger

March 10th, 2011
5:47 pm

Jeff if I catch you in the cereal aisle I’m going to bite you in the Captains Quarters!

Capn Groupie

March 10th, 2011
6:26 pm

You tell them Capn’. Don’t you go quietly into the night!


March 10th, 2011
6:28 pm

Leave my captain crunch alone.

Burman Fisher

March 10th, 2011
6:35 pm

Jeff, your Neanderthal slip is showing! Girly man.


March 10th, 2011
6:36 pm

They’ll take my Cap’n Crunch when they can pry my cold, dead finger (and thumb) from the spoon.

And Michelle Obama is not making anybody do anything. She’s just trying to encourage kids to have a more well-rounded diet and exercise more, and encourage their parents to help. I think if she were to say people should breathe, all the mouthbreathers in this country would immediately start holding their breath. Hell, I wish she would and do us all a favor.

Tony the Tiger

March 10th, 2011
6:39 pm

Stuart your comments are GGGreat!


March 10th, 2011
6:59 pm

Kids weren’t fat as hell back when PE was a regular part of the school curriculum. Kids also played more on their own, before we had video games, cell phones that turn you into zombies (device addiction), the internet, and television with a gazillion channels to keep you still. All of these are the factors that have created a nation of lard asses. Nobody wants to take responsibility for anything. So now, let’s blame it on the food. Yeah right! LOL

The real Cap'n Crunch...

March 10th, 2011
7:07 pm

…was East Carolina University linebacker Danny Kepley (1972-1974). On game day the fans in Greenville, NC would buy up all of the boxes of cereal and shake them during the games – and Kepley kept up his end of the deal, too, – just ask Pat Dye, who coached Kepley as ECU’s head coach during Kepley’s senior season (1974). Dye always said between Kepley and Woodrow Lowe, whom he coached as linebacker’s coach for Bear Bryant at Alabama before Dye went to ECU as head coach, that Kepley was the better of the two…


March 10th, 2011
7:29 pm

To get off at 5:18 p.m…. You are wrong, my friend.

Legislatures in several parts of the country are banning what restaurants and food producers can cook their foods in. Banning trans-fats is just the first step… who’s to say that 10 years from now, the next step is banning french fries altogether?

The calorie police IS coming. Do you not read articles about federal agencies want to regulate this and regulate that? There are people out there who want to control EXACTLY what goes in certain food products, and if they don’t like it, it can’t be used! Whether it’s sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, whatever… they are trying to ban more and more things.

No, every kid in high school shouldn’t drink 6 diet cokes a day… you are right, it’s the parents’ job. Then why are government entities trying to ban companies from selling soft drinks or snacks? If it’s the parents’ job to teach and the teenagers’ choice to decide, let the free market system take place and see what happens… don’t ban things!

I have read SEVERAL Michelle Obama comments about increasing government regulations of childrens’ nutrition… and you should already know how liberals like the Obamas LOVE to expand federal powers. Why do people give two craps about what this clueless woman says, anyway? Has she got a nutrition or food science degree? I didn’t think so.

I would have problem if the First Lady ONLY told people to be more proactive in their decisions and told people to exercise more… but coupled with increased government regulation and control of products that the feds deem “bad for us”… trans fats, sugars, cholesterol, whatever … well, I don’t like the direction it’s taking and I CERTAINLY don’t want federal intervention into anyone’s diet, yours or mine.

And to Joe’s point at 5:10 p.m…. you are wrong, sir. Studies have shown that it wasn’t dietary problems that led to more deaths in that generation… it was lack of medical care, accidents, injuries, and infections. Plus multiple diseases that now have vaccines. My parents told me all the time about how growing up, they would have people in their community or their church who celebrated their 100th birthday… all the time!!! And this was the 1950s and 60s, so it was people born around the Civil War era and who lived in the Little House on the Prarie days of the 1880s and 90s.

My whole point is this, people: there should be food options out there for EVERYBODY, healthy and unhealthy… and it’s up to US to decide what we eat. It is NOT the government’s place. And, to go along with this, I also think we as citizens should be more proactive in our health care. You want government reform of the health care industry? Have them give incentives to insurers so that THEY reduce costs and give bonuses and cash incentives if you get regular check-ups and stay healthy. If you engage in bad health behavior (smoking, excess drinking, obesity, etc.), then you don’t get the breaks that I do for staying healthy.

Combine all this stuff — moderation, NOT interfering in food choices, regular exercise (that means INCREASING P.E. and health classes in schools, NOT reducing them), and better health insurance incentives, and I GUARANTEE you that people will be more healthy in 20 years.

If you DON’T do all that — and you let Michelle Obama tell you what to eat and the New York State government to tell restaurants how to cook their french fries — then you’re handing control of your health to THEM. Don’t do it — stand up and take responsibility for your own life and your own food choices.

Long live freedom!

Tony the Tiger

March 10th, 2011
7:35 pm

Jeff you are ticked because you probably think people like Michele Obama should serve food and not have an opinion about it. Ronald Reagan sold cigarettes and many people still talk about how great he was. If you are so concerned about freedom then honor her right to free speech as all Americans have.


March 10th, 2011
7:43 pm

Jeff is afraid Michelle Obama will take his twinkies and Code Red. How in the world will he get through those marathon World of Warcraft sessions in his mom’s basement?

cerreal killer jk i luv cereal

March 10th, 2011
7:44 pm

luv it!!! all though the person pretending to be obama, im on to you


March 10th, 2011
7:48 pm

just leave me alone, ok? im nerrotic!! ok i have thoughts and feelings!!! oh and just to let everyone knoiw, im uper sad to see captain go

Tony the Tiger

March 10th, 2011
7:54 pm


March 10th, 2011
7:43 pm

Jeff is afraid Michelle Obama will take his twinkies and Code Red. How in the world will he get through those marathon World of Warcraft sessions in his mom’s basement?
All that sugar on a school night is gonna cause an accident. Well I guess it DEPENDS on how much little Jeffy eats doesn’t it?


March 10th, 2011
8:29 pm

TT, I doubt it would make a difference in his social standing. This d00d launches a nine paragraph diatribe (covering diverse topics like insurance incentives and life expectancy in Little House on the Prairie,) ending with “long live freedom!” like he’s Braveheart waving a box of sugar-laden cereal in front of his ragged troops.

All in response to—-Captain Crunch. Bless his heart.


March 10th, 2011
9:07 pm

All First Ladies have a “cause”, it goes with the territory. For example, Nancy Reagan had ‘Just Say No’ so, to try to politicize this subject (yes Jeffie, this means you) only shows the depths of one’s ignorance. To use the (long-winded) logic/rage used by the Elf-Lord means you would also believe someone was perfectly within their rights to say yes to drugs because it was the nosy, big brother government playing morality police.

For the record, I tend to vote Republican but there is no evidence that anyone in The White House is playing a part in General Mills’ decision. I can guarantee you that, like any business, they are much more concerned with the bottom line. Oh wait, that is another principle we conservatives support: the right for the business owner to make their own decisions relative to the operation of their company.

NOTE: I just thought you guys should hear from a conservative with a brain as opposed to anger and cute sayings. Believe it or not there are many of us, we just don’t make an ass of ourselves in public.


March 10th, 2011
9:19 pm

Ahh, I love you liberals… preaching tolerance and understanding and acceptance of everyone’s views and opinions… that is, until someone goes after one of your golden calves and doesn’t sell their soul to one of your dieties like Clinton, Obama, Pelosi, Gore, Biden, etc. etc. etc.

For those of you so concerned about me (like Aqua Girl and Tony The Tiger) , thanks but I don’t live in my mom’s basement… I am a successful, married homeowner. And no, I don’t play World of Warcraft — I don’t spend time on video games. I read, I research history, I work with youth, I do volunteer work, and I am active in community business organizations. But thank you for asking and making all these LOVELY (although completely false) assumptions about me.

All I want to do is make you people aware that our personal freedoms and right to choices are being eroded year by year by our federal government. Our options to choose a path, to fail, and to regain our standing on our own are all being taken from us from greedy, socialist-minded politicians. They want to treat the world like the Travelers Insurance Co. commercial, that says “Take the scary out of life.” Well, the thing is, you CAN’T take the scary out of life!

We should all have the freedom to choose what we do with our lives, from what we eat to how we get our news to how we raise and educate our children. But the federal machine, which is championed mostly by the left, wants to TELL US what to eat and where we get our information and how our public schools teach our kids. Our ability to choose, to fail, and to choose again are being taken away in the name of safety, security, and being “fair”.

Because some people can’t control their eating, instead of using social expectations to hopefully urge them to exercise and take better care of themselves, we as a nation are choosing to let an unqualified woman like Michelle Obama tell our kids what to eat, and we’re letting judges and politicians force companies to cook “their way.” Wake up America!

And one last thing, Tony The Tiger… I’m all for Michelle Obama having an OPINION about something. I also urge her to voice her opinions… that’s what makes our nation so great. But the day that she starts to FORCE her OPINIONS into LEGISLATION, and then TAKE AWAY my options to voice MY OPINION (that’s the Fairness Doctrine that the Obamas support), then THAT is when I have a problem with her.

You can’t fix this country’s problems by legislating everything and trying to make people’s decisions FOR THEM. You only fix problems by educating people by sharing information, presenting ALL the options and choices, and then letting people make up their own minds. And free market and personal decisions will decide things… if people deem something isn’t healthy and isn’t worth it, the market for that will fade. But THAT should decide it — the PEOPLE. NOT the federal government.

Michelle Obama, Tony the Tiger, AquaGirl, etc…. ALL of you have the right to choose what to eat and if you own a business, you have the right to produce something if there’s a market for it. Nobody has the right to tell you what you can and can’t eat or that your product doesn’t fit in their mold, so you have to change it. That’s what free enterprise and capitalism and a democratic republic all stand for — personal choice, individual freedoms, and the right to succeed OR FAIL.

Once again, I say all this in the name of freedom… if you don’t watch out, your kids will wake up in 40 or 50 years to a completely different world, like the Stallone movie Demolition Man… where stuff like red meat, caffiene, beer, cussing, and all kinds of “vices” are deemed “illegal.” Do you want to live in that type of world? Not me… I’ll be with Dennis Leary, underground and fighting the power.


March 10th, 2011
10:38 pm

These blogs should have a character limit.

Hoosier Daddy

March 10th, 2011
11:59 pm

Methinks Jeffy needs to lay off the sugar himself. He’s a bit high strung….



March 11th, 2011
2:46 am

You actually had a decent argument, Jeff…and then you ended with Demolition Man and Dennis Leary? Fumble. Watch less FOX News and form your own opinions.

Tony the Tiger

March 11th, 2011
4:48 am

You’ll be in the psych ward fighting sleep from the anti paranoia medication


March 11th, 2011
8:02 am

Shouldn’t the Cap’n be an Admir’l by now???


March 11th, 2011
8:22 am

He would be—but he got busted down in rank after the Cabin Boy incident. A shame.

precious rambo

March 11th, 2011
10:07 am

That Michelle’s a beamy ship, eh Cap’n Krounchay. Aye, she’s not likely to go down but the crew may mutiny over her lizard and papaya salad rations.


March 11th, 2011
10:16 am

First, LMAO @ AquaGirl. I, too, wondered why he was still only a Cap’n for so long.
Second, (@Jeff) I consider myself to be a conservative, but really get my dander up when I hear some other “conservative” whine about liberals expanding government. Remember that government size and regulations have grown under every Republican “Conservative” administration. In fact, “conservatives” have no problem with books full of new laws that control our everyday lives and relationships.
Sad to say that yes, I have to begrudgingly agree with regulations on nutrition. Would MUCH rather see parents make that call they are morally obliged to make, but when I see 200lb kids in elementary school, I admit those parents have either willingly or ignorantly failed. Sometimes, the government has to protect the children from their own parents. For that matter, you could also use your same argument to eliminate underage alcohol/tobacco laws, on the basis that the parent should be able to stop their child from drinking or smoking. While we are at it, we can eliminate mandatory schooling, leaving that to those responsible parents, as well. Should we just eliminate the FDA altogether, and hope (finger crossed!) that the free market companies do the “right thing?”
Where those laws should be much more stringently applied is to school nutrition programs, that still rely very heavily on starches. And yes, I agree that elimination of Physical Education programs has exacerbated the obesity issues.


March 11th, 2011
11:02 am

Jeff wrote more than I did. Perhaps he needs to lay off the sugar.

Jeffy's mom

March 11th, 2011
11:52 am

After a four hour struggle I’ve pried the Cap’n Crunch out of his hands. Sorry folks.

[...] Rose Linke I spy a sugar high. I never knew the cereal sea captain’s full name: Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch. Owners of our local speakeasy Bourbon and Branch are set to open [...]


March 12th, 2011
10:22 pm

“Everyone knows that the roof-of-the-mouth shredding characteristics of Cap’n Crunch”

As a 1960’s connoiseur of Cap’n Crunch (when it still tasted good before they screwed with the formulation), I’d suggest you didn’t let it soak in the milk long enough.
Here was the procedure:
1. Pour the milk over the Cap’n Crunch
2. Sit indian-style on the living room floor in front of your TV and watch your favorite cartoon show
3. Wait until the 1st commercial break (15 minutes into the program circa 1966, 3 minutes today)
4. Enjoy without scraping the roof of your mouth.


March 12th, 2011
10:27 pm

I agree with Jeff. Those of you picking on Jeff are, no doubt, dyed-in-the wool Obamabots and probably want those two busybodies interfering in every aspect of your sad lives. You sheeple are free to follow Obama and Moochelle into their Socialist utopia, but please leave the rest of us alone…

[...] the details at the Atlanta Journal Constitution Related Posts:No Related [...]

Barack H. Obama

March 12th, 2011
11:11 pm

I really appreciate the fact that no one has mentioned how fat my wife is. Or has commented on the irony of some ugly fat a** trying to tell everyone in the country how to improve the quality of their lives. Thank you everyone. Thank you all.

Tan My Hide

March 12th, 2011
11:23 pm

Moo-Chelle-O ain’t gonna be happy, but her enormous bovine derriere will be!

Klingon WarBride

March 12th, 2011
11:30 pm

You idiots had better do WHAT I SAY, WHEN I SAY IT!!11!1!!
I am the foremost authority on fat @sses in the world, you cretins, so you better listen up!


March 12th, 2011
11:43 pm

1st Mate Crunch said: “Everyone knows that the roof-of-the-mouth shredding characteristics of Cap’n Crunch is a strong deterrent to overindulging……”

LOL! It is ALWAYS that second bowl that does it for me. I know it is going to happen, but I cannot resist. Someone PLEASE make me stop!!!


March 12th, 2011
11:45 pm

If they get rid of Captain Crunch, the bottom shelf generic equivelent should still be available. “Seaman Crunch” LOL

Sir X

March 13th, 2011
12:42 am