Cap’n Crunch refuses to walk retirement plank
A 48-year-old cereal icon, Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch, today denied reports he would be forced into retirement.
Childhood obesity ahoy!
“I’m hearing the rumors. I would never retire. I love being a captain too much!” the sugar-infused sailor said Thursday via a newly-created Twitter account.
He repeats his delicious message of hope on a new website.
Earlier reports indicated Quaker, the maker of the bowled confection, would be forced to make the Cap’n walk the plank in an effort to make their products healthier.
Last year, PepsiCo, owner of Quaker, said it would reduce added sugar per serving by 25 percent in its products over the next 10 years.
A single serving of Original Cap’n Crunch has 12 grams of the sugar, which nutritionists say is almost half of the recommended daily intake. Other cereal makers have stated they will not advertise cereal to children that contains more than 10 grams of sugar per serving.
Tony the Tiger could not be reached for comment.
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52 comments Add your comment
1st Mate Crunch
March 10th, 2011
4:09 pm
Everyone knows that the roof-of-the-mouth shredding characteristics of Cap’n Crunch is a strong deterrent to overindulging in this delicious part of nutritious breakfast. Cereals with less abrasive textures –even with lower sugar-content– are more likely to be abused through multiple servings. Now, CRUNCHATIZE ME, CAP’N!
aye aye 1st mate
March 10th, 2011
4:31 pm
you’ve identified the issue well 1st mate. and remember, the crunch always gives you away
Bowl Wonder
March 10th, 2011
4:38 pm
Just don’t drink the gnarly milk when finished.
Jeff
March 10th, 2011
4:38 pm
Good news for Cap’n Crunch lovers everywhere!
This political correctness with food is really starting to p*** me off. I am sick of Michelle Obama or “nutrition experts” telling me how much of something, TO THE GRAM, that I’m supposed to have.
You know what the nutritional guidelines were for the Little House on the Prarie days of the 1880s? here it was: EXERCISE YOUR BODY AND YOU WON’T BE OBESE! These people probably ate 2,500 to 3,000 calories a day — whole milk, sugar in apple pies, cheese, fatty beef, fried chicken, mashed potatoes with butter, etc. But you know what? They didn’t sit on their butts and eat a dozen doughnuts at a time — they worked HARD and burned calories off!
Americans need to learn this lesson… MODERATION. You can eat whatever the crap you want, as long as you don’t over-indulge and as long as you exercise regularly. We don’t need the government or Michelle Obama or the FDA police telling us that we CAN’T have anything — no trans fats, no sugar, no doughnuts, no cheeseburgers, no fries, no sweet breakfast cereals, etc. You know what? Those decisions are for ME to make for me and my family — MY decision, NOT yours.
If you want to eat Cap’n Crunch or Pop Tarts or whatever for breakfast… if you enjoy an occaisional fast-food burger and fries for lunch… if you like to have a beer and wings on Friday night or bake a cake on the weekend… HAVE AT IT! But make up for it by eating plenty of fruits, vegetables, grains, dairy, lean protein and water. And for God sakes, everyone, exercise a little! Take a jog, run around with your kids, take up tennis, use a push mower to cut your grass… do SOMETHING to stay active.
If you follow that formula, you’ll be fine… we don’t need the food police telling us what we can and can’t eat. The free market system will take over — if the next generation doesn’t like doughnuts or cakes or soft drinks, then the demand will decrease. But stop telling Americans what they have to eat and what they can’t eat — it’s up to every individual to be responsible for their OWN lives and make their OWN choices for their families.
Wake up, America… the nanny state is trying to take over. First it’s french fries, then it’s soft drinks, then it’s cereal… when does it end? when do food choices become ours again?
I know vegetarians who ate nothing but celery, wheat bread, and water, and they died of heart problems at 45 years old (true story)… yet three of my four grandparents, who all love buttermilk, fried chicken, homemade cakes and pies, and Coca-Cola, are all around 90 years old. It’s all a matter of moderation, self control, and prudence — something the world today is sorely lacking.
More power to the Cap’n!
Barack Obama
March 10th, 2011
4:49 pm
I like Cap’n crunch when I’m stoned, which is most of the time.
Roekest
March 10th, 2011
4:58 pm
I always knew this paper was a rag…..but this story definitely confirms it.
Roekest
March 10th, 2011
4:59 pm
I take that back. Didn’t realize it was a Mathis article, who I respect.
JoeV
March 10th, 2011
5:10 pm
@Jeff
Those people also lived to about 55 years old.
get off your @rse
March 10th, 2011
5:18 pm
Hey, Angry Jeff: There is NOTHING that either Obama is doing that is regulating what we’re eating. Why are you lying? Michelle talks about her spare rib dinners, and says use moderation, and also exercise–the exact recommendations you just wrote! In fact, her program is called “Let’s Move”. Gee–sounds like exercise to me.
The sad fact is, parents are failing, and they need more information. There’s no calorie police. You can still have french fries and sugary sodas and whatever you want. So stop lying about your fantasy nanny state.
Captain Bligh
March 10th, 2011
5:27 pm
Captain Crunch will take voluntary retirement. Count Chocula and Frankenberry were terminated with extreme prejudice. Jeff I don’t know you but your comments are idiotic. I would tell you to up your meds but I’m sure you will take offense. AARGH!!