What’s a mom to do about son’s girlfriend visiting college for weekend?

One of our regulars mentioned that her 18-year-old college freshman son was expecting a weekend visit from his high school girlfriend and the mom is not happy about it.

Here’s what Techmom told us yesterday:

“Speaking of dumb decisions when you’re young: I’m currently cringing inside right now at my 18-year old freshman-in-college son… He’s had a girlfriend for almost 2 years who is a senior in HS this year. They are far too serious for my liking of course. I just found out that she’s going to visit him at college this weekend. Ugh. I told him I wanted to talk to him today on the phone. I don’t know if her parents know and I will ask but unfortunately I think they do and are ok with it (I don’t know if they’re just naive or if they’re looking for someone to take care of her… I honestly think it’s the latter and they would be perfectly ok if my son wanted to marry her the day after she graduates from HS). Anyway, I know they just as easily could have had sex while they were both living at home but there’s something very grown up about going off to visit your boyfriend without any supervision. And I do think she is far more emotionally involved in this relationship than he is so she’s likely willing to sleep with him simply because she thinks it will keep him around longer.”

To save her from having to type it again, she added this relevant info later in the conversation:

“Since we’re going to talk about it on tomorrow’s blog, I’ll hold off on too details but I will say that my ultimate issue with the gf is that I think she is desperately seeking love and approval from a male figure. I don’t think she will ever be in a position to have a healthy relationship unless she seeks counseling. I am sad for her and a little scared for my son because I don’t think he gets that. Neither of them are emotionally mature enough to work through issues like this and I can only see the trainwreck that is to come.”

She also pasted in a link to a story about a 16-year-old couple being caught coming out of the shower together. According to police, the stepfather repeatedly punched the boy. The stepfather was arrested on charges of first- and third-degree cruelty to children for the assault, in connection with the post-shower incident, according to police. Here’s the link to that story.

So a couple of thoughts on Techmom’s situation:

When my brother-in-law was in high school he came to stay with us for part of a summer. His father was stationed in Italy at the time. We were living in State College, Pa. A girl who had been a friend of his in North Carolina lived in either Pittsburg or Philadelphia and decided to drive over to visit – that’s like a three-hour drive from either city. It got later in the day and I said to Michael she is going to ask to spend the night and I am not letting them sleep together in our house. My father-in-law would not have thought that was acceptable at all. Michael was like “Nah, she’s going to drive home.” A little bit later his brother comes and asks if she can stay over. I said fine because I didn’t want her driving in the dark but I made certain he slept on the couch and she slept in the second bedroom.

Another anecdote: A friend’s college-age daughter was invited by her boyfriend’s mother to the family’s home for the boyfriend’s birthday. My friend – the father—said the only way she could go was if he went with her. Now with the mother inviting I would probably let my college-aged daughter go if the mother was clear there would be separate rooms – even though they could be having sex at college all they wanted.

I don’t think you can really control if they are having sex when they go away to college but I think the most disturbing part is that Techmom doesn’t think she is a good match for her son. She is seeing serious issues that would affect the relationship long term that the son is not seeing. However, I don’t know that she can point those out. Kids tend to want what you tell them not to have.

So what are your thoughts on Techmom’s situation:

Are overnight visits to college OK? Would you let your college-aged daughter or son visit the gf/bf family home? What do you do if you don’t think a gf or bf is a good mate for your young adult? (I would think different in high school because unlikely to get married but if in college then could really be the one they end up with.)

100 comments Add your comment

Tyler Volz

March 28th, 2014
12:20 am

Your son is an adult. Quit trying to control him. He will resent you.

Will Allison

March 28th, 2014
1:30 am

He is in college! This isn’t your little boy going off to his first day of school. He is a grown man, and I hate to tell you but they have been together for years. They have already had sex!

Real Life

March 28th, 2014
5:39 am

Techmom sounds a bit unwilling to admit her son is growing up. Her evaluation of the son’s GF is a bit of a red-flag to me. Maybe she is emotionally needy and maybe it is simply what many teens experience with their “first love”. But the psychological assessment (looking for love and approval from a male figure) is a worrisome to me. Maybe the GF is looking for that, maybe not, but the mom seems to want to control many aspects of her son’s life.
If she had just discussed the weekend visit and its pros and cons then we would be off on a different path, but justifying her unhappiness over the visit with her evaluation of the girlfriend’s mental health makes me wonder what the true issue is.

Mom of 3

March 28th, 2014
5:51 am

My daughter is in college. Her bf lives an hour away so he has stayed here a couple of times for various reasons. When here, he sleeps on a very comfortable sofa in our finished basement while my daughter sleeps 2 floors up. He is fine with this set up as they are committed to no sex before marriage. Might they slip up down the road? Sure. But I’m not going to foolishly enforce a “zero tolerance policy” for sleeping over despite various circumstances, like weather. Also, my husband and I very much like this young man and hope the 2 of them marry one day.
I feel for Techmom as it seems her son’s gf is desperate to have a bf and be loved by someone. So many girls today are like that. Probably not going to end well for her. I would definitely be much more concerned about sleepovers under these circumstances.

catlady

March 28th, 2014
5:56 am

I dont think this is Techmom’s call. i would not allow my hs daughter to go. but apparently this girl’s parents feel otherwise.It is quite likely the teens have been active for quite a while, especially if the girl has self esteem issues.

She is going to have to realize there are decisions he gets to make now, Hopefully he won’t end up dropping out to support a family.

With my own kids, I did not agree with their choice of BF/GF, but I did make sue they had contraception and my assurance that I would NOT be raising my grandchildren–that THEY would always shoulder that responsibility and to make decisions carefully.

hockey goalie

March 28th, 2014
5:59 am

I understand Techmom’s concern; I really do. However, I have to believe these things work themselves out if given time. I dated a girl for over 3 years in college; actually thought I’d marry her at one point, but we eventually (rightfully) split up. Soon after, I moved to Georgia, married a real woman and now have an awesome 2-yr old.

Regarding “activities” that may happen this weekend, college is where most people cash in their V-card. It’s normal. If it does happen, at least it’s with someone he knows and trusts rather than a one-night stand. Besides, if they’ve been together for two years, it’s probably already happened anyway.
Techmom sounds like a good mom. It’s time for her to grit her teeth, and hope the good lessons she taught her son as a child stuck well enough to make mostly good decisions.

LizBeth

March 28th, 2014
6:23 am

Start early teaching about sex and birth control and the law about sex with minors. Many kids will wait if they have honest and open sex education and supportive parents. At this point, this parent just has to let go and trust her kids. Her talks with her son should be more about “How can I help with you have a responsible relationship?”, rather than “You better not!”

Anton Chigurh

March 28th, 2014
6:30 am

Techmom’s son needs to distance himself immediately from that female … I mean his mom, of course.

Anton Chigurh

March 28th, 2014
6:31 am

Hey LizBeth, in Georgia the age of consent is 16, so it likely doesn’t apply in this case.

First time poster

March 28th, 2014
6:48 am

I don’t post very often, but just had to respond as I have a 16 y/o daughter with a bf who is 1 year older so I may be facing this issue down the road. I’m guessing if his GF is a senior in HS she is likely already 18 or about to turn 18 shortly herself, i.e., there’s probably not much her parents can do about it even if they wanted to.

When you say you “just found out” about the visit, did he tell you? If so, I think what you need to consider about this situation is the fact that your son is being honest with you; to me it’s a sign of maturity on his part that he doesn’t feel the need to lie to you about it. If you found out some other way, then I think your concerns are more valid and you should discuss that issue (the lying) with your son and not what he’s lying about, which in my opinion is secondary to the issue.

Nope

March 28th, 2014
6:50 am

There is a ton of judgment here about this young lady whom none of you know. Techmom has admitted to being wary of the relationship because it is “far too serious for my liking”. She then goes on to say that the girlfriend is likely “willing to sleep with him simply because she thinks it will keep him around longer” and “she is desperately seeking love and approval from a male figure.” Wow, these are some pretty big assumptions to make of a teenager. I understand that they may, in fact, be true. I just feel that Techmom’s objectivity is very clouded because she is not comfortable with the relationship.

The son is an adult and what he does is really none of anyone’s business as long as it is legal. If the teenage girl is older than the age of consent in Georiga then what she does sexually is none of anyones business either. Let them make their own mistakes and stop micromanaging your kids.

Derwin0

March 28th, 2014
7:19 am

Is the girl that’s visiting the boy at college 18? If so, they’re both consenting adults so I really don’t see an issue.

Derwin0

March 28th, 2014
7:21 am

Also if the girl is 18, and in such a serious relationship, her mother should make sure that she’s on birth control.

Need More Coffee

March 28th, 2014
7:34 am

Wait, back up. The mom’s screenname is “Techmom.” Never mind…false alarm. She doesn’t have anything to worry about–they’ll probably stay up all night playing “Magic: The Gathering.”

mother of 2

March 28th, 2014
7:36 am

The age of consent may be 16 in GA, but that doesn’t mean that the parents shouldn’t have discussions about sex with their older teens. My son had a girlfriend that he spent a lot of time with. Both were over 16. I never left them alone in the house. I explained to my son that I was actually protecting his girlfriend because I knew that her parents wouldn’t approve of sex. I was also protecting him because his hormones would trump good judgement. He never fought me on this probably because he knew I was correct.

Techmom needs to make sure her son is well aware of contraception. He may be old enough to legally have sex, but I assure you he’s not old enough to care for this young woman and a child. She should feel comfortable expressing her concerns about the girl because kids actually do listen to parents when they have a mutually respectful relationship. I don’t think it is micromanaging kids if you are having an honest, open discussion about anything that both parties are comfortable having. Her son will let her know if he doesn’t want to hear her opinion. I think it’s a bit of a leap to say that she is micromanaging. She hasn’t actually done anything other than say that she’s uncomfortable with the situation.

elbert chambers

March 28th, 2014
7:42 am

Wow ! so kids have SEX now a days! Maybe Mom should try to become the girl’s friend. I would have left my mother to go cleave to my mate!

jct

March 28th, 2014
7:45 am

It is hard to watch your off-spring make poor decisions. I took Techmom’s statement yesterday as a way to blow of steam. I can empathize with her situation. As I said yesterday, I think my son is too serious with his GF as well. The only difference in our situation is that this young lady has a great head on her shoulders. Sometimes I think she is too good for him.

However, his previous GF was a nightmare. I could feel the desperation coming off her in waves. She just wanted the approval of her boyfriend. It used to sicken me. Again, there was nothing I could do about this except reinforce the rules of our house and let him know that in no uncertain terms that we would not be responsible for raising a child that they produced. We also had conversations about him, his future and where he wanted to see himself in 5 and 10 years. We never bad mouthed his GF. I was glad a year later when they broke up. We listened to him (still no bad mouthing the ex). That night though, I remember breaking open a bottle of wine and doing a happy dance through the den after he went to bed.

motherjanegoose

March 28th, 2014
7:54 am

I spoke with a Speech Pathologist, who lamented this story, last week:

A Mother had to be corraled to come to the school to sign an IEP for her 3 year old.
THEN…the Mother of the Mother had to be corraled to come to school to sign the IEP for the 17 year old.

HMMM…the Mother could sign for her 3 year old child but her Mother had to sign for her, as she was not of legal age.

A sad but true story.

Strong,intelligent, confident, young woman know they do not need to stoop to having sex to be loved. Sex is part of a healthy relationship but it is not done to lure someone into loving you. IMHO. YES I had the talk with mine before college but when they are away, you have to rely on the fact that you did the right thing before they left and that they still communicate with you.

Good luck Techmom. I applaud that you opened yourself up to this carnival. Hope you have thick skin. Hugs to you.

Betty…see my reply on yesterday’s topic.

it'skinderGARTEN dammit

March 28th, 2014
8:04 am

I had a similar issue with my mom when I was a college freshman and was dating a girl back home who was still in H.S. Mom wigged out when she found out we were doing the deed, and went on the warpath against this girl. I was fortunate enough that Mom had bought me a car (a P.O.S. but a car nonetheless) when I turned 16. She suddenly got very strict about the car and told me the girl was forbidden to be in “her car”. She thought the girl was an opportunist and needy and would just get pregnant and “ruin (my) life”.
I had some money saved and bowed up and slapped two grand cash on the table and told mom she could either sell me the car or I would go buy another car with the money and she could have that one back.

Mom saw I was serious about this so she backed down and I never heard another word about it. Turns out mom was wrong about the girl. There was nothing insidious about the girl’s intentions, just a little teenage Romeo and Juliet crap. We dated a while longer and then broke up for other reasons.

The moral of this story is Mom needs to chill out and stay out of it. If you’ve raised your son to be responsible, it should all turn out for the best.

(the other) Rodney

March 28th, 2014
8:10 am

Infrequent poster, but frequent reader here –

My issue with the conversation so far is this: most people seem to think it would be wrong for these two to have “activities”. Why? If they’re safe, and nobody is forced to do anything, why the problem? He’s 18 – we’re assuming she’s at least 18 since her folks are letting her go away for the weekend. I don’t get the issue.

Were it my kid I’d make sure he (or she) is supplied with a box of condoms and a very direct talk from me regarding how important they are. Then, it’s all up to them.

If they’ve been “serious” for two years, you’re worrying about something that PROBABLY happened already about a year ago ;)

WitchyWoman

March 28th, 2014
8:11 am

Although he is an adult, I feel for Techmom. It is hard when you know that your kid is probably about to do something stupid and potentially life altering. You guys just don’t know how often parents push their daughter towards young men they feel are going places. They are looking at the end prize instead of the current ramifications of what happens if she gets pregnant young and he doesn’t stick around. Sad, I’ve seen this little game happen with kids as young as 8th grade, where the parents are willing to let the boy spend the night and they let their daughter do what ever she wants with him with the hopes of attaching to a potential money maker or a family with money.

Now I am sure that in this situation, both young people are probably already “active”. If not then good for them for waiting. Unfortunately, whether they will or won’t is out of mom’s hands. It could be as she says and the girl is desperate, or she could just be an over protective mother…I don’t know. What I do know is that it doesn’t matter how old your kid gets you will worry no matter what.

Techmom

March 28th, 2014
8:21 am

TWG – I feel for you in that you deal with these rude comments every day.
I’m not going to try to defend every comment made but I will try to explain a bit further:

I do know the girlfriend… they have been dating for almost 2 years. I know her family background which is not pretty (not that mine is great – please understand I’m not saying I’m better than her, I work with a lot of youth and I know from personal experience that what happens in our lives growing up makes a huge impact on our behavior and decisions we make), I’ve seen her behavior, I’ve heard stories from my son and my son’s friends, I’ve seen what happens when they break up (yes, this is a back and forth kind of thing) and I’ve seen her Facebook posts and Tweets, etc. I am not jumping to conclusions when I say that I think she is seeking approval from an acceptance; her behavior shows that she is.

I do agree that it’s not my place to say yes or no about this visit but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me. He is still my son and I do want what’s best for him and quite frankly, I want what’s best for his gf too. Did I call him and say I wasn’t going to pay for college any more or that he was cut off b/c his gf is coming for a visit? Certainly not!

The gf has not turned 18 yet but will soon. My son said that her parents do know she is going for the visit. I asked him where she told her parents she was staying (they have mutual girl friends who are also at the same college so my first guess is that she told her parents she was staying with one of the girls). He says he isn’t sure what she told her parents. I told him that I think it would be best if he asked her. She needs to be honest with her parents and if she can’t be, that should be his first sign that this isn’t the best idea.

We did talk about contraception (again, I’m not naïve) but things still happen. He knows, because we’ve talked about it for years, that if he does get a girl pregnant, he cannot walk away. “If you act like an adult, you should be prepared to be an adult.” is a common quote out of my mouth because I strongly believe in taking responsibility for your actions. We all know the lack of control parents have once their kids are ‘adults’ but I certainly don’t think it means you stop parenting because they turn 18 or go off to college.

iRun

March 28th, 2014
8:25 am

I would advise Techmom to just talk to her son about being smart and safe and securing his plans for the future. I would be upfront and honest about making sure they’re both protected from pregnancy (and disease) and then leave it at that. The unfortunate circumstances of this relationship are his for the dealing with and learning from. Dog knows I made these kinds of mistakes at the same age. And so did a lot of my friends. It’s part of growth into full adulthood. My very Catholic mother, though, was still smart enough to take me aside and say “You know I think you should wait until you get married to have sex, right? Well, if you DO have sex please please please use a condom or get on birth control because if you get pregnant you’re going to have to drop out of college, move back home, and enroll in the local commuter school so your Dad and I can help you raise the child.”

(At the time I was on the cusp of my conversion to the faithless and still in the mode of accepting my parents’ word as law.)

My son is 13. We’ve been diligent to teach him about the biological and emotional consequences of sex. About respecting each other as humans and recognizing that people have lots of motivations for having sex and to be sure he’s on the same page with his partner (meant in the clinical sense of sexual partner…not trying to connote sexual orientation).

Personally? I think people should start having safe sex relatively soon into young adulthood. Why? Because in our current culture it tends to cloud people’s mind’s and emotions and a lot of bad decisions are made in the name of getting a little action. So, I say get some sexual experience right away so you come to the realization that sex, while fun, should never be given any weight in decision making or in driving behavior.

I mean that for guys AND girls. Time to do away with attaching morality and “honor” to sex and start treating it as a basic human function.

TnT's Mom

March 28th, 2014
8:31 am

This too shall pass. Be patient, Techmom and hope that you have instilled some values into your son. As an 18 yo at college, not much can be done to control his actions. In my experience and thinking back to being that age, yes girls are generally more emotionally involved in relationships, it’s just our nature. And especially if they are apart, he is more emotionally involved in his day to day life at college, while she is back in HS pining away for him. Will she be attending the same college as him this fall? If so, then either the relationship will become more serious or they will decide that they are growing up and being together is working. I am a firm believer that HS Sweethearts should not get married, or if they do, then they should spend time apart to grow up and explore other relationships before settling down.

My mantra to my boys in high school and the older one at college now, was “to cover it up” either with pants or a condom. If they are determined to have sex, they will find a way. I too am surprised that the girl’s parents are okay with this, but don’t know much about her or the family. None of my friends with girls would let their daughter do anything like this.

My son’s HS girlfriend was a sweet girl, but I thought she was too serious as well. They graduated together and even headed to the same town for college. He at one school and her at another in the same town. However, he had a good head on his shoulders and knew he needed to experience college life without a significant other and he broke up with her shortly before they left for school. His most recent girlfriend broke up with him because he wasn’t serious enough. He is fully aware that she wasn’t “The One” and although hurt at first, got over it quickly. He knows he is young, 20, and wants to explore life and all of his options before getting that serious.

So moral is, if you have raised a smart, thoughtful, caring young man, he will not be shacking up with her and changing his life for the worst just yet. If you have shared your values with him and they stuck, all will work out.

single mom

March 28th, 2014
8:44 am

The mom needs to get over it. She needs to understand that her baby is probably having sex and probably with more than one person. Let her son be a man and go through life without her being a helicopter parent. Women like this turn into over bearing mother in laws. Not a good look.

iRun

March 28th, 2014
8:48 am

Oh, and if you start in on trying to tell your college-aged kids how they should life, and whether or not they’re “allowed” to have someone over, they’re just going to stop talking to you about it. They’re going to just do whatever they want and you won’t ever know (an argument can be made for that anyway).

For instance, my mother never knew I moved in with my boyfriend (now my husband of 17 years) in college. I was subletting my apartment, that my parents paid for, and was using their rent money to help my boyfriend (feels weird referring to him as that at this point but that’s what he was then) pay for the apartment we lived in together. Because she would’ve stopped paying for college and certainly stopped giving me that stipend.

Now, yes, I look back and think of how ungrateful I behaved. But if my parents had just said “Hey, we’ll pay for college and basic living expenses and all you have to do is finish in 4 years and make good grade” then it would’ve been cool. But they used it to control my behavior. Which, as a 20-year-old, I was not having it. Especially when I was confident I’d met The Right One, and didn’t appreciate the lack of trust in my judgement. So, I told them to their face what they wanted to hear and did what I wanted behind their back.

Not proud of it. And I’m glad it worked out (my folks love my hubs). But making sure there’s a different dynamic with my kid.

it'skinderGARTEN dammit

March 28th, 2014
8:48 am

You’ve done everything you can do to guide him toward living his life as a responsible adult, now it’s time for him to actually live life and see what he’s made of.

So kick back, relax and let the weekend d’amour happen….because it’s going to regardless (and as others have said, probably already has happened).

My other advice….is to start drinking….heavily.

HB

March 28th, 2014
8:57 am

I would agree with what most posters are saying here if the gf weren’t in high school. Because of her age (18 or not, if she is still in h.s. and living with them, her parents should know what’s going on), Techmom is right to be concerned about whether or not her parents know she will be staying at his place. And she really didn’t give any indication that she’s being overbearing — she’s justifiably concerned but stop overstepping. People here love to jump ahead 8 steps and judge moms based on things they haven’t actually done.

As for the question about college kids visiting their bf/gf’s family’s house and checking with those parents to make sure you know the sleeping arrangements — uh no. They are young adults, and you have to start letting go.

HB

March 28th, 2014
8:57 am

should have been “but not overstepping”.

Jessica

March 28th, 2014
8:59 am

I think the best thing she can do is gently remind her son not to do anything that could mess up his future, or the girlfriend’s future. If the family’s moral/religious beliefs include waiting for marriage, she can remind him of that too. Of course, it’s up to him to decide whether or not to follow her advice.

Beyond making her expectations clear, what else can she do? Interrogate him about the time he spends with the girlfriend? Show up at his dorm/apartment and check his bedside table for condoms? Threaten to cut off financial support because he is in a relationship she doesn’t like? Pretty much anything action she takes is more likely to backfire than to help.

Probably the WORST thing she can do is badmouth the girlfriend to her son or anyone else. No good can come of it, no matter how flaky the girlfriend may be. Her son will resent her for criticizing his sweetheart, and other people will think that whomever her son eventually marries will have to deal with a critical, overbearing mother-in-law.

i LOVE...

March 28th, 2014
9:10 am

i don’t like the idea of the girl staying overnight, but if her parents are okay with it, Techmom needs to back off… her son is an adult, and the 18 year old is “technically” an adult.

if i had an 18 year old daughter who was still in high school and living under my roof, she DEFINITELY would not be allowed to do such a thing. had i a college aged son with a high school girlfriend (of age), we would be having a VERY serious conversation about consequences, then i would probably spend the weekend freaking out and praying and researching a therapist!! but NOT bothering my adult son… it sucks. BIG TIME. but she needs to step off.

Martha Long

March 28th, 2014
9:15 am

I think that children have been raised as much as they can be raised by the time they are in college. Sounds like this mother taught her son right from wrong, and now she just has to let go and let him decide what he’s going to do. Continuing to try to control a college-aged child will just backfire in the end. They need a chance to figure things out on their own and learn from mistakes that they make in the process.

Techmom

March 28th, 2014
10:05 am

@Kinder – yes, cheers!

Other than the 1 phone call yesterday to our son, I do not plan on talking to him about it anymore about this weekend. We have raised him the best we can and we do hope he’ll make good decisions but we also know there will be mistakes and failures along the way. We’ll love him regardless. But just like the UGA basketball team feeling the need to reiterate guidelines to live by, we have done the same. No one yelled or made threats on the phone yesterday. It was a) I’m glad you were honest, we appreciate it and b) please consider these things that we’ve talked about previously.

I think all parents of college students or young adults struggle with how much to continue parenting your kids as you make the transition from having a “kid” at home to having a young adult that you’re now only [supposed to be] mentoring.

My husband and I do not want to do some of the things our parents did to us and so we have consciously decide that even though there are times when we are emotionally upset, we will not take it out on our son. This was not always the way we parented. We are products of our environments and it takes a lot of effort to not fall back into the same pattern. I purposely waited a day after I found out about the upcoming visit before I called him so that I could take a step back and assess how I wanted to respond to him.

The call ended with a “I appreciate you calling mom. I love you.”
Me: “I love you too. Make good decisions and have fun… but not too much fun.”

jct

March 28th, 2014
10:06 am

I think a better way to look at this topic is the transition from parenting to advisor. I don’t try to parent our 23 year old. We do allow him to come to us with his issues to discuss. We have stopped telling him what he needs to do years ago, now we listen, ask him what he feels best and how those decisions align with his longer term goals. We let him know that we will back him up on whatever decision he chooses. Our long term goal as parents was to make sure that he knew he is personally responsible for his decisions.

TnT's Mom

March 28th, 2014
10:15 am

jct – agree – it is a difficult transition from parent to advisor to our children as they leave the nest and are on their own. We have struggled with our 20 yo in college as he is financially on his own when he spends money on things we don’t necessarily agree on. It is hard to step back and not tell him how to spend his money that he has earned all by himself. I just have to remind him and myself that I am not telling him how to spend, but an trying to offer my experience. No complaints really, he is paying for school and his own living expenses and doing well.

Evelyn

March 28th, 2014
10:18 am

Alright speaking as someone who is out of college and getting married now to her college bf, you need to chill, mom. Most people who try to make a high school relationship last into college fail, so I predict your son dumping her soon anyway. My college roommate dumped her high school boyfriend after the first long-distance year and completely regretted wasting all that time. By wasting all that time, I mean she wanted to get it on with other dudes and regretted losing a year of her life that she could have spent doing so. And you know, so will he, probably. He’s in college, so if he wants to have sex then he’ll have sex. Maybe just focus on making sure you taught him proper sex ed instead of trying to control your adult son who is now living his own life.

Scargosun

March 28th, 2014
10:20 am

If this mom is soooooo worried about her precious baby having sex she should be happier that the object of his affection is not actually at the school. If he is being faithful, that is the only girl that he MIGHT have sex with as opposed to the girls the mom does not even know at the flippin’ college. What an idiot.

Kat

March 28th, 2014
10:21 am

As long as her son knows that their are “responsibilities” that both he and the GF have (as a couple), then probably no harm. This GF may be very happy to tell all her friends that her college boyfriend (oooh!) is having her come up, over, down, whichever. She sounds needy, but if TechMom raised her son right (and he listened), then he should be cautious and not rely on her “protection” for both of their sake. Just saying.

slv

March 28th, 2014
10:32 am

will you just admit that you don’t like her because she’s taking your baby away? Cut the cord already. Sorry for the harshness but it’s glaringly obvious.

Dave

March 28th, 2014
10:52 am

“so she’s likely willing to sleep with him simply because she thinks it will keep him around longer.”

I got news for you, lady. Your son is likely willing to sleep with most women because he’s an 18-year-old man. Be glad that he wants to sleep with somebody with whom he’s clearly in a committed relationship and not some random girl he met that day at a college party. You are welcome to your own beliefs on how he should conduct his life, but voicing them is only going to drive him away since he’s an adult, free to do as he pleases and learn from his own trainwrecks. “Neither of them are emotionally mature enough to work through issues like this” – perhaps, but learning how to do so is a part of growing up, and nobody’s mom should be butting in uninvited on these issues when they’ve reached the age of consent.

Jen

March 28th, 2014
11:04 am

He’s grown and regardless of HER reasons (which you could be reading WAY too much into) her parents are fine with the girl going. It’s not your business if she goes to visit him, if she’s more invested in the relationship or if they have sex. You just have to hope you taught him safe sex and how to be a decent human being and not purposefully hurt if and when the time comes to call it a day.

Lynn

March 28th, 2014
11:07 am

As someone with three in college I empathize with your concerns. I am “that” Mom. The one who knows my son’s friends in high school and college and will take any opportunity to remind them to be careful. One of the things I ask the guys “is this the girl you want to wake up to for the next 50 years” or if you don’t think you would marry her, “is this the girl you want to raise your child with another man, pay child support to and still be seeing at your grandchildren’s birthday parties?” It does seem to catch some attention that immediate gratification could have long term consequences. I have similar conversations with my daughter’s friends.

And I understand your concerns about the boyfriend or girlfriend intentions or just general personality. Over the years it has required much biting of the lip and the silent celebrations jct mentioned.

We all want our children to do the “right” thing. The head in the sand parents who think their children won’t or haven’t done many things is astounding. (This in not directed at TechMom). But those who say my child would never do x, I am here to say yes your child has and is often one of the leaders in the activity. Quit judging because Karma has not been pretty for many who do.

Hannah

March 28th, 2014
11:13 am

Future “mom”-in-law from hell.

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

March 28th, 2014
11:18 am

Techmom — you never know if the crowd is going to be helpful or mean — some of the comments are helpful some are mean. Try to ignore the mean and use the helpful to your advantage.

Our realtor sent feedback from some house showings yesterday. One lady was sooo mean and it made me soo mad. And I just have to ignore the mean. (My mom thinks she was being mean on purpose to get the price of the house down — some of the things she said were just crazy.)

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

March 28th, 2014
11:33 am

Techmom — I wonder if she would be receptive to a conversation about what you see — for example, I had a student who had her second baby, she was crying all the time and was just a mess. She was in her mid-20s and married. And I told her I thought she needed to see someone about PPdepression and that it wasn’t healthy for her or her kids. And it was OK to get help. As an older more mature woman who has experienced things I think we can help younger women in their development — now would a high schooler be receptive to that?? Could you talk in general to her about girls valuing themselves and not needing approval from men and feeling good about herself. I talk to Rose about that all the time.

Techmom

March 28th, 2014
11:36 am

I find it amusing that people say it’s none of my business what my son does but I’m quite sure you are the same people who would pit the blame on me for not raising him well if he made a bad decision.

Think about some of the comments made yesterday regarding the UGA basketball player rules and how many people blamed these students upbringing. But hey, they’re 18 and they’re going to make mistakes so we shouldn’t bother trying to steer them down the correct path because it’s their decision, right?

Yes 18 = legal adult (well unless you want to buy a beer of course) but how many people think they were a mature adult at 18? Did you ignore every piece of advice your parents gave you the day after you turned 18 or graduated HS? Or did your parents cease to give you any guidance after you turned 18 or graduated HS? I hope not in either case.

jarvis

March 28th, 2014
11:42 am

Techmom, the only thing I can tell you is that you can’t do anything about it. You can tell him you don’t approve, but ultimately it’s up to him.

I’m not judging you for caring. That’s normal.

Darren

March 28th, 2014
11:45 am

Your son is in college. He’s already sticking his dick in everything that moves. Just make sure he is using protection. If you want to overstep your boundaries, ask his girlfriend to use the pill. That’s all you get, end of story.

Techmom

March 28th, 2014
11:57 am

TWG – agreed, I have pretty thick skin but I do think some people post things just to be mean. I’m sure some of these people will eat their humble pie eventually. These are things I talk about with the girls in my youth group (being ok with who you are) but I don’t feel like I’m in the position to counsel or advice the gf on that level. I think she would see me as “her bf’s mom” and not a mentor. I’m glad you talk to Rose though, too many parents feel uncomfortable talking to their kids and so they don’t. I told my husband yesterday that I was happy our son was honest though part of me really understands the parents who want to crawl under a rock and pretend they don’t know what’s going on. It’s definitely the easier thing to do!

I feel comfortable with how I’ve handled the situation to this point. I hope it has made some parents who might have younger kids think about how they will react when it happens to them because it likely will happen at some point.

usually lurking

March 28th, 2014
12:01 pm

Ah, the real challenge is in 3 months when you get that phone call “Mom, my girlfriend’s pregnant. We are keeping the baby.”