One of our regulars mentioned that her 18-year-old college freshman son was expecting a weekend visit from his high school girlfriend and the mom is not happy about it.
Here’s what Techmom told us yesterday:
“Speaking of dumb decisions when you’re young: I’m currently cringing inside right now at my 18-year old freshman-in-college son… He’s had a girlfriend for almost 2 years who is a senior in HS this year. They are far too serious for my liking of course. I just found out that she’s going to visit him at college this weekend. Ugh. I told him I wanted to talk to him today on the phone. I don’t know if her parents know and I will ask but unfortunately I think they do and are ok with it (I don’t know if they’re just naive or if they’re looking for someone to take care of her… I honestly think it’s the latter and they would be perfectly ok if my son wanted to marry her the day after she graduates from HS). Anyway, I know they just as easily could have had sex while they were both living at home but there’s something very grown up about going off to visit your boyfriend without any supervision. And I do think she is far more emotionally involved in this relationship than he is so she’s likely willing to sleep with him simply because she thinks it will keep him around longer.”
To save her from having to type it again, she added this relevant info later in the conversation:
“Since we’re going to talk about it on tomorrow’s blog, I’ll hold off on too details but I will say that my ultimate issue with the gf is that I think she is desperately seeking love and approval from a male figure. I don’t think she will ever be in a position to have a healthy relationship unless she seeks counseling. I am sad for her and a little scared for my son because I don’t think he gets that. Neither of them are emotionally mature enough to work through issues like this and I can only see the trainwreck that is to come.”
She also pasted in a link to a story about a 16-year-old couple being caught coming out of the shower together. According to police, the stepfather repeatedly punched the boy. The stepfather was arrested on charges of first- and third-degree cruelty to children for the assault, in connection with the post-shower incident, according to police. Here’s the link to that story.
So a couple of thoughts on Techmom’s situation:
When my brother-in-law was in high school he came to stay with us for part of a summer. His father was stationed in Italy at the time. We were living in State College, Pa. A girl who had been a friend of his in North Carolina lived in either Pittsburg or Philadelphia and decided to drive over to visit – that’s like a three-hour drive from either city. It got later in the day and I said to Michael she is going to ask to spend the night and I am not letting them sleep together in our house. My father-in-law would not have thought that was acceptable at all. Michael was like “Nah, she’s going to drive home.” A little bit later his brother comes and asks if she can stay over. I said fine because I didn’t want her driving in the dark but I made certain he slept on the couch and she slept in the second bedroom.
Another anecdote: A friend’s college-age daughter was invited by her boyfriend’s mother to the family’s home for the boyfriend’s birthday. My friend – the father—said the only way she could go was if he went with her. Now with the mother inviting I would probably let my college-aged daughter go if the mother was clear there would be separate rooms – even though they could be having sex at college all they wanted.
I don’t think you can really control if they are having sex when they go away to college but I think the most disturbing part is that Techmom doesn’t think she is a good match for her son. She is seeing serious issues that would affect the relationship long term that the son is not seeing. However, I don’t know that she can point those out. Kids tend to want what you tell them not to have.
So what are your thoughts on Techmom’s situation:
Are overnight visits to college OK? Would you let your college-aged daughter or son visit the gf/bf family home? What do you do if you don’t think a gf or bf is a good mate for your young adult? (I would think different in high school because unlikely to get married but if in college then could really be the one they end up with.)