UGA advises players how to treat women: Should college students need that?

News organizations in search of team policies regarding social media actually found that UGA basketball has team policies regarding sex and dating.  Sports Illustrated reported it first but Deadspin put up a copy of the document.

Here is some of the advice given to the players from an AJC synopsis:

Among the highlights for “Treat women with respect”:

  • You don’t own your girlfriend.
  • Birth control is your responsibility too.
  • Never assault or intimidate a woman.
  • Don’t spend all of your energy in the bed all night
  • Hicky’s/passion marks should not be ever noticed by coaches
  • One. Not two or three girlfriends.

Not widely publicized but you can view in the document is an item that says: No means no, date rape is a serious issue. Also mentioned is to avoid gray areas like orgies.

So I have a couple of viewpoints on this: one as a mother and then also one a college professor who has taught at a large university for the last three years.

On the one hand, you would hope this stuff doesn’t need to be said. Do we need to tell adults not to date rape or have orgies? Do we need to tell young men they don’t own their girlfriends? Should they have to be told that birth control is their responsibility too?

You would hope they would know this. You would hope they know how to behave responsibly and treat women respectfully but the truth of the matter is many of them don’t — and I think that’s true for other college students, not just players. I am glad that someone is giving them this guidance – a constant drumbeat of how to behave.

As a professor, I would find myself saying motherly things to my students. I worry about them just like I do my own kids. I want them to be healthy and happy and to succeed. I want them not to do dumb things academically or socially. Before Christmas breaks and spring breaks I would say to my girls stay in groups, don’t go off alone with boys they have just met, don’t take drinks from people they don’t know. It’s hard not to mother them.

So it’s sad that there has to be a written policy about how to treat others respectfully, but I guess I’m glad that they are on it. I’m glad someone is teaching these young men those lessons.

What do you think: Is it appropriate for a college to have those types of rules? Should the players already know this? Is if for the good of the program or for the development of young men? What role should college educators play in the emotional/social development of the students?

56 comments Add your comment

T.S.

March 27th, 2014
2:54 am

Of course they should already know these things. Most are over eighteen and legal adults. High school was supposed to the time to grow up.

Beck

March 27th, 2014
4:16 am

Not everyone is raised, some people just grow up.

If athletes are seen as representing a school through their behavior OFF the court, as well as on the court, then at least this way the ground rules are established.

Morris Devereaux

March 27th, 2014
5:07 am

Of course college students should already know these things. BUT, the athletic department is exercising due diligence. They know that in spite of the fact that college students should already know these things, incidents HAVE happened. They also know that when they do happen, the thousands (or millions) of dollars invested in athletes are in jeopardy so they’re exercising caution to try and avoid a problem down the road. I think they should be applauded. The only problem I see here is that they aren’t pushing them toward the entire student population.

Blair

March 27th, 2014
5:24 am

Good idea. Don’t assume student’s know right from wrong.

James

March 27th, 2014
6:17 am

This is what happens when there are no consequences to your actions.

Soap Box

March 27th, 2014
6:25 am

Yes, this needs to be said. These kids have grown up in a world full of violence in the media. It needs to be repeated over and over. You have no right to touch another without their permission while fully alert and able to give consent…. Alcohol is the biggest date rape drug in this country…. and women (and men) are abused while under the influence. They need reminders, they need to know the consequences of their actions……above all they need to learn to respect the opposite sex. Not only should the athletes be reminded the entire WORLD needs to be reminded. Do not use others to satisfy your sexual needs without carefully considering the outcome. You can not consent to sex if your are drunk. You cannot consent if your are under age…… sexual abuse charges can leave lasting marks FOR YOUR LIFETIME. Having to register as a sex offender….etc. THINK. THINK. THINK. now before you make that mistake.

Sk8ing Momma

March 27th, 2014
6:44 am

Is it appropriate for a college to have those types of rules? Yes. IMO, they are not rules; rather they are life lessons.

Should the players already know this? Absolutely! *Should* is the key.

Is if for the good of the program or for the development of young men? Yes, good coaching involves mentoring and advising.

What role should college educators play in the emotional/social development of the students? IMO, college educators not only contribute to the education of their students but to their emotional and social development as well. Their roles should be as role models and mentors. It comes with the territory of being an educator — from early elementary teachers to college professors of young adults.

motherjanegoose

March 27th, 2014
6:55 am

YES these are things that should be known. To me, the problem is that perhaps the parents of these students either did not model appropriate responsible behavior or give them any guidance. Maybe they did not have a strong mother or father figure in their life?
We talked about everything, before our kids headed to college. One down and one to go. She has one more semester after this one. She switched her major and has worked the entire time, so I am fine with it. Currently, the bosses of three related places of employment are volleying for her time. Not much time to get into any trouble.

Yes educators can mentor their students.

OFF topic…

TWG..what happened to your topic on your travel wows and interview with those who might know what happened on your trip? I am interested.

HB and others…one month and no thank you notes. I just sent her a set myself with a few kind words: Thank you notes are a lovely way to let people know that you appreciate their thoughtfulness. She has since sent me things on FB and never mentioned the gift I sent. Maybe she did not like it but my SIL says she did. Hope this will help her out. Perhaps this is related to the topic, as this is something like ^^^ that her parents should have taught her.

Have a great day. I am finishing a week in Texas.

motherjanegoose

March 27th, 2014
6:59 am

PS…what is a girlfriend? Does that automatically imply sex? At 18? Wow…guess I am out of the loop. Or it is it more of the same…I see what the adults I know do and now that I am an adult I can do it too. Sad to me.

Good Grief

March 27th, 2014
7:16 am

YES. College seems to be a training ground for these future overly paid professional atheletes. They are worshiped for their future /. potential so parents and coaches often feel the needs to bury their heads. Actually even at the High School level ahtletes need to be reminded and PUNISHED, lots of bad stuff going on at that level.

Betty Simpson

March 27th, 2014
8:23 am

MJG … do you think your friend might be reading this blog? If she is, she certainly knows now you’d like a thank you note! People sure are funny. You’re so awesome!

jct

March 27th, 2014
8:28 am

I think some of you forgot or did not attend a big time athletic school. I did. I had the good fortune to live in the ‘athletes dorm.’ (better food and late meals) What I saw would make most of us blush. Two or three young women showing up at X star’s door, half dressed and down for whatever. There was constant pressure. I used to be so embarrassed for those young women. I am sure not much has changed.

It is easy to get caught up at that age and not use your best judgment even if you aren’t an athlete. Good for UGA and any other school that gives this type of messaging.

RJ

March 27th, 2014
8:38 am

Being 18 means you can go to prison and to war. It doesn’t make you an “adult”. How many of us would make the same decisions we made at 18 today? They are still kids, and while they should’ve learned this at home, teenagers do dumb things. Their brains are still developing. Date rape, gang rape, all very common on college campuses. It’s been going on for years and years. This is a good thing.

HB

March 27th, 2014
8:57 am

Of course guys should know this before college, but clearly many don’t.

MJG, you sent HER a pack of notes? Again, why didn’t you send them and a few words on their importance to your husband’s nephew? I mean, isn’t his relationship to your family why you sent a gift for the baby? Shouldn’t his parents (your SIL) have taught him that writing notes is important? Why are you still acting as if this is the young woman’s and her parents responsibility/failure?

BJ

March 27th, 2014
8:59 am

How do you know these things. You live in Arizona.

Techmom

March 27th, 2014
9:42 am

I don’t think it hurts to have life rules reiterated and for them to know that someone is watching and if they get caught, there will be consequences. Plus these student athletes represent their schools.

Speaking of dumb decisions when you’re young: I’m currently cringing inside right now at my 18-year old freshman-in-college son… He’s had a girlfriend for almost 2 years who is a senior in HS this year. They are far too serious for my liking of course. I just found out that she’s going to visit him at college this weekend. Ugh. I told him I wanted to talk to him today on the phone. I don’t know if her parents know and I will ask but unfortunately I think they do and are ok with it (I don’t know if they’re just naive or if they’re looking for someone to take care of her… I honestly think it’s the latter and they would be perfectly ok if my son wanted to marry her the day after she graduates from HS). Anyway, I know they just as easily could have had sex while they were both living at home but there’s something very grown up about going off to visit your boyfriend without any supervision. And I do think she is far more emotionally involved in this relationship than he is so she’s likely willing to sleep with him simply because she thinks it will keep him around longer.

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

March 27th, 2014
10:05 am

Oh Techmom — I think that should be our topic for tomorrow — I think a great topic!!!!! I had a similar experience with my brother-in-law when he was visiting us one summer from Europe — where his dad was stationed. I’m going to write about for tomorrow — a great topic!! And you can update us if you want on the discussion.

Pablo

March 27th, 2014
10:46 am

Unfortunately, college athletes represent a great source of income to many universities and colleges around the Nation, and losing the geese that lay golden eggs to a criminal charge is an unpalatable option to some coaches and administrators, so they become buffers between their players and a jail sentence. Having said that, it speaks volumes (in a very bad way) when we have to remind college students what proper, civilized behavior is.

Betty Simpson

March 27th, 2014
10:49 am

Techmon … what’s your sexual history?

Grumps

March 27th, 2014
10:53 am

Should doesn’t matter. Some obvoiusly don’t know and those have to be told.

Maude

March 27th, 2014
11:04 am

If UGA and other colleges would stop recruiting thugs this would not be needed.

non committal mind reader

March 27th, 2014
11:27 am

Since the vast majority of young black men grow up without a father, and since the vast majority of football players are young black men, then YES, college students need that.

Should they? No. But until this country is honest enough about race relations to HONESTLY address the thug/gangsta culture, the demolition of the black family by federal government handouts, and the treating of this subject with kid gloves due to the PC nature of the problem, then you can bet that the black community will not clean up it’s own act. Therefore, UGA has to advise it’s young thugs on how to treat women.

Denise

March 27th, 2014
11:39 am

@Maude, enlighten me, please. What is a thug? I’m not being funny. I’m interested in knowing what you think this ‘thug’ is that these colleges need to stop recruiting.

As for the ‘rules’, I love them. I wish there was a version for young ladies as well. Young men are not the only ones exhibiting bad behavior on college campuses, even though the light is on them, especially the athletes. Like jct says, some of these girls are more than willing to make fools of themselves, probably to trap someone who “might” go pro. (When will ladies learn that their uterus is not a cash register?) Hell, I made a fool of myself for so called “love”. (Thank God I’m not in my 20s anymore!!!)

Anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, that can reach these kids and make a positive impact on them should try. Somebody needs to tell them the truth and give them a dose of reality. When discussing a case where a girl filed rape charges a year after the event, some guys were saying that she had to be lying. My friend (a female) shut it down with “most every female you know – including your girlfriend – has had $3x (trying not to get trapped in the filter) when she did not want to, even with you”. Even ADULT men had no idea that ADULT women sometimes want to say no but don’t feel like they can/should. Young boys need to be mindful of that because younger women may be (I don’t know) more likely to charge them.

Texas Pete

March 27th, 2014
11:46 am

The message has been given to college students for decades. I mean I remember 20 years ago all the different sexual behavior related programs, information sessions, and other activities provided on college campuses including UGA, Tech, and Georgia State.

There used to always be some sex or alcohol related information session given in a common area, sponsored by some club, or given in a residence hall. The message is nothing new.

People are making a big deal about this because it’s in a handbook for a sports team and somehow has been attached to minority athletes based on some posts. Are the non-blacks athletes somehow immune to sexual behaviors?

The fact of the matter is you see all kinds of crazy in college and with young adults in general. This isn’t a young black athlete thing at all and anyone who thinks it is has their head in the sand.

Debating about whose place it is to tell young adults this message is another story but any father who hasn’t told his son these things “off the record” isn’t doing his job.

jct

March 27th, 2014
12:46 pm

How many of you did something REALLY stupid when you were in college? (My hand is raised.) This is not a color or gender issue. Young people sometimes make poor decisions while in college. Thank you Techmom for sharing. I feel your pain. Our son has been with his girlfriend since HS. They are now 23 and 22. They are way too serious in my book. When she went off to college we knew his was staying in her room (his the older and was living on his own). You have got to hope that what you have taught him will hold true. Also, that he and his GF are both responsible for birth control.

We sometimes get so wrapped up in all the good things that our children do that we talk on this blog about the dumb, stupid or ignorant stuff that our teen-age and young adult children do. My son is far from perfect. I could tell stories but I know that I blasted as a horrible parent. We might actually learn from each other if there was less time blasting Theresa for her blog posts and decided to have a more honest dialog.

Techmom

March 27th, 2014
12:59 pm

TWG, sounds good, I’ll report back tomorrow how our conversation goes.

Maybe we should also discuss what to do when you catch your kids doing something they shouldn’t:
http://www.ajc.com/news/news/athens-teens-take-shower-together-stepfather-gets-/nfMQT/

Techmom

March 27th, 2014
1:14 pm

@jct – totally agreed. I’m sure we could all learn something from each other without being a-holes.

motherjanegoose

March 27th, 2014
1:38 pm

HB…the notes were actually sent to the address, in the husband’s name. We will see what happens.

I know you think I am being horrendously old fashioned. As a general rule, the wife sets the tone for manners, in my generation. This also includes social settings: the women plan and implement the actvities and the men tag along. When I am out of town, I mention to my husband that he should check in with some friends and go out to dinner. This does not happen often, I enjoy getting together with all sorts of folks. Some have even asked me how I can be gone for a week ( as I am) and leave my husband home…really?

Since we got together, my husband has learned all sorts of things he did not have a clue about. I makes me laugh when he comes home to tell me stories about the things he hears and sees that are related to NO MANNERS.

My own family really did not have a broad handle on manners. We did know anout thank you notes. I learned things from being with others who were kind enough to share their ideas…of course I had to listen too. Tipping was not a skill I acquire from my own family.

Hopefully, this young family will understand that sending a thank you is a good idea. No, I do not think either of them read this blog.

Techmom…I did not have to deal with the sleep over thing with mine in college. My son’s room mate ended up marrying his girlfriend and she was his HS sweetheart. A nice girl. Both finished college and are doing well.

Neither of mine had a steady boy or girlfriend in college. My daughter is currently too busy with school and work to breath ( as was my son) He can do what he wants, as he is on his own paycheck now.

Last 24 hours in Texas and ready to head home. It was fun though!

jan

March 27th, 2014
1:51 pm

Techmom – why would your son’s girlfriend sleep with him when he can say no too? Why is it always the girls fault and responsibility?

Kat

March 27th, 2014
1:52 pm

Interesting rules that are told like a parent, not an organization. Don’t spend all your energy in bed. Young men of that age are rarely exerting that much energy. They are too…um…focused on themselves.

Denise

March 27th, 2014
1:56 pm

@Techmom…that story! Yikes! At least the boy wasn’t killed like a boy in Houston. Daughter sneaked boy in, boy got caught (2 different stories, one being that he was caught in bed with the daughter), daughter LIED that she did not know boy, dad shot and killed boy. Dad said that boy reached in his pockets and dad was fearful so he shot him.

@MJG…you may not have had to deal with the sleep over thing but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I know I had a plenty o’ sleepovers that Mama and Daddy don’t know about even when I was too busy to breathe. (Steady boyfriend only, though.) And you know what? That’s all a part of what happens in college. As long as you are SAFELY making your stupid decisions (smile), it all works out in the end.

catlady

March 27th, 2014
1:57 pm

Hopefully it did not say “Hicky’s” as the plural. If so, the athletic department needs a new pro

williebkind

March 27th, 2014
1:58 pm

“Techmom – why would your son’s girlfriend sleep with him when he can say no too? Why is it always the girls fault and responsibility?”

Well it goes back many centuries when women were expected to provide a heir for the family tree. If your daughter is sleeping with everyone how sure can the man be that the offspring is his. Of course we can take action to know after the fact but that involves contempory time. Do you understand now?

catlady

March 27th, 2014
1:58 pm

Proofreader. Sorry about the premature submission.

williebkind

March 27th, 2014
2:01 pm

They did a study of how long men would last in a sex act. They tested men from every state and Ga men lasted 2min and 7sec. That does not seem like a lot of energy to me.

HB

March 27th, 2014
2:10 pm

Not just horrendously old fashioned, MJG, but blatantly unfair and sexist. Do you apply the same attitude to your own children, giving your son a pass on showing gratitude, but not your daughter? Do you consider it more important as a parent to teach her manners than to teach your son? Is it ok to just wait and hope his future wife’s parents raised her right so she can teach him and set the tone for their home? The part that really gets me is that you know the husband and his parents, that’s your connection to this family, and yet you still save all your criticism for the young woman and her parents. That’s messed up.

catlady

March 27th, 2014
2:10 pm

It surprises me that only basketball players are advised on relationships.

catlady

March 27th, 2014
2:12 pm

Willie, it wasn’t a test IT WAS SELF-REPORTED TIMES!

Texas Pete

March 27th, 2014
2:16 pm

So now we’re all going to depend on “studies”, assumptions, and hearsay instead of personal experience and wisdom obtained during life?

Lord help us…

(2 min and 7 secs + foreplay) x random number = a night of a lot of energy spent. That could be the reason the Dawgs got smoked at home in the NIT early that Saturday…

mother of 2

March 27th, 2014
2:30 pm

All students who are in college certainly should know these things. But I’m glad that the schools are taking a proactive approach. Honestly, every student should be told these things. The freshman orientation process is different at every school. My friend’s daughter attends a small private school in PA. All of the freshman were taught about mutual respect and respect for oneself. The girls were encouraged to travel in groups and not drink themselves into oblivion. Domestic violence was also discussed.

The athletes are making the schools a tremendous amount of money. I think that the schools need to educate these athletes in life skills, especially because they aren’t all getting good academic educations.

Techmom

March 27th, 2014
2:31 pm

@jan – I totally didn’t mean to imply that it was only her choice. Certainly he can choose not to go that route and I hope he does but I’m not naive. I have talked to him until I’m blue in the face about protection and not to assume she’s on bc. I have also said repeatedly that if he wants to play grown-up, he needs to be prepared to be one if she does get pregnant. I hope he listens.

Since we’re going to talk about it on tomorrow’s blog, I’ll hold off on too details but I will say that my ultimate issue with the gf is that I think she is desperately seeking love and approval from a male figure. I don’t think she will ever be in a position to have a healthy relationship unless she seeks counseling. I am sad for her and a little scared for my son because I don’t think he gets that. Neither of them are emotionally mature enough to work through issues like this and I can only see the trainwreck that is to come.

Techmom

March 27th, 2014
2:35 pm

I’m sure all athletes are given this speech. The football team needs to add things like no drunk driving or fights either. How many athletes have been arrested in the last couple of years?

WitchyWoman

March 27th, 2014
3:01 pm

I think that all college students are told this at one time or another, I think that UGA just took it a bit further and added it to the rule book. Sometimes lip service doesn’t work. Putting it in writing may cause a kid to think before acting. Date rapes and Abuse happen all the time at colleges and they are not all done by athletes. Shoot it seems like Fraternities and Sororities get in more trouble than any other group. Maybe THEY should post these rules.

Denise

March 27th, 2014
3:10 pm

@WitchyWoman…you are definitely right about Fraternities and Sororities! We hear so many horror stories about what happens at the parties.

I know it happened when I was in school but it just doesn’t seem like it was as often. Or maybe it wasn’t as reported. Or maybe because we didn’t have social media to spread all the information like wildfire. Either way, sometimes I feel like an old lady wishing for “the good old days”, when, in fact, those “old days” were as crazy as heck and we were as stupid as these kids are, but maybe just a little luckier. Thank God there was no FaceBook or camera phones.

FLNavyWife

March 27th, 2014
5:06 pm

I think you have to realistically look at the kind of families some of these kids are coming from. A lot of them don’t have fathers in the home, or are being raised by a relative, or they might have witnessed an abusive relationship between their parents. They might not have had an example set for them of how to treat a woman with respect. For every Tim Tebow-type with an intact, happy family, there are several others who had rough upbringings and for whom football/sports is the “way out” of poverty, etc.

I don’t think UGA (or any university) is going to be able to completely undo 18+ years of what some of these kids have seen, but maybe a few reminders along and along will prevent a few bad situations.

motherjanegoose

March 27th, 2014
5:13 pm

@ HB…we have disagreed on many things before and that is ok. We come from different worlds and different generations. We typically have a different opinion.

I did order my son custom thank you notes, with his name on them, for those who kindly sent him a gift when he graduated from Pharmacy School. We requested no gifts but some sent them anyway. He also asked me to remind him who sent a gift and what their address was. He told me he sent them out, so I assume he did.

@Denise…you are correct that I cannot be sure what my kids did or do during college. I know my daughter has not had a spend the night guest. That may seem hard for you to believe but it is the case. My son did recently spend the night at the apartment of another pharmacist during snowmageddon. She is a colleague ( sp?) of his and was afraid to drive in the weather as she is from the south. He told us where she lived and that he did not sleep well on her couch…haha. He could not make it home to his house and thus stayed at hers. My kids are pretty forthright with us. They are also really adults so it is, in fact, none of my business.

True…there were plenty of things I did not discuss with my parents as we did not have the same relationship.

motherjanegoose

March 27th, 2014
5:15 pm

@FLNavyWife ^^^^ LIKE. You said what I have been thinking all day. Thank you!

Denise

March 27th, 2014
5:31 pm

@MJG – It isn’t hard for me to believe at all. I know many who didn’t have overnight guests. Like I said, until I had a boyfriend I didn’t have them either. My point was that you may not have known if she had had such a guest, unless she tells you everything. I definitely did not have that kind of relationship with my mother.

Betty Simpson

March 27th, 2014
5:59 pm

MJG … what does your daughter look like?

HB

March 27th, 2014
9:38 pm

That’s great about your son, and I had thought you would have taught him to write the notes, so
I’m surprised we disagree. You still think people should expect less of him or your nephew when it comes to showing gratitude than they would a woman? I’m just trying to make sure I understand where we disagree — in your opinion, he is off the hook for notes if he marries and all complaints or criticisms for thanks not given should be directed at his wife (or your daughter and you as a parent if she marries) and that’s perfectly reasonable?