No new close friends: You’re not alone and here’s why!

Since moving to Arizona three years ago, I have only made one close friend that I actually talk to regularly on the phone in this area code. And she is moving to China this summer.

I still talk every day to my friends around Atlanta but now I will have not a single close friend in my actual area code.

I have made lots of acquaintances here. We can’t go to the Y, library or grocery store without seeing somebody we know from school or church. But it’s not the same as my friends from childhood or college.

The ladies on my block almost all work so it’s hard to hang out with them. When they’re at home, they are either taking their kids to activities or happy just to be at home with family. I feel guilty asking anything of their free time.

My friend that is leaving town kept asking me to join her mom’s group but they all had preschool-age kids. My kids are older now. We’ve got periods, dating and driving cars to worry about, not potty training. So other than that one mom I haven’t really “connected” with anyone.

The New York Times had an article about why it’s hard to make friends in your 30 and 40s, and it actually made me feel so much better.

From The New York Times:

“No matter how many friends you make, a sense of fatalism can creep in: the period for making B.F.F.’s, the way you did in your teens or early 20s, is pretty much over. It’s time to resign yourself to situational friends: K.O.F.’s (kind of friends) — for now……

“In studies of peer groups, Laura L. Carstensen, a psychology professor who is the director of the Stanford Center on Longevity in California, observed that people tended to interact with fewer people as they moved toward midlife, but that they grew closer to the friends they already had….

“As external conditions change, it becomes tougher to meet the three conditions that sociologists since the 1950s have considered crucial to making close friends: proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other, said Rebecca G. Adams, a professor of sociology and gerontology at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. This is why so many people meet their lifelong friends in college, she added….

“Adding children to the mix muddles things further. Suddenly, you are surrounded by a new circle of parent friends — but the emotional ties can be tenuous at best, as the comedian Louis C. K. related in one stand-up routine: “I spend whole days with people, I’m like, I never would have hung out with you, I didn’t choose you. Our children chose each other. Based on no criteria, by the way. They’re the same size.”

Having my only friend move to China has made it hit home that I need to make more of an effort to connect with women not just meet them.

I taught VBS this summer to meet more ladies and have reached out more via text and phone to two ladies that I think could be good friends.

One of those ladies is the president of our church’s mom’s group so I will probably give in and join that group. (I think there are a variety of ages in the group. The president’s kids are in high school. I need moms with older kid to learn from.) So hopefully this year, I can develop some closer friends here and not just rely on my Atlanta friends.

Are all your friends from college or childhood? Have you made new friends when you moved or when had a change in life — like divorce or births? Do you like to be friends with your kids’ friends’ parents or is that difficult? How did you find/make close friends in your 30s and 40s?

40 comments Add your comment

motherjanegoose

July 10th, 2013
7:01 am

WOW TWG…I have all sorts of friends that I have made later in life. I did see my college room mate in June but she lives in Denver and we are not that close. Another room mate is in Texas and another in Africa.

I am going to lunch today with 3 teachers from a school I visit a lot. They asked me if I would like to meet them for lunch this summer.

Thanks to this blog, I have made at least 8 friends. I would not say we are close but I have enjoyed meeting each of them. DB and I probably stay in touch more than the rest. She came to meet me in when I was in Chicago and we spent the night in the city. Funny that I ‘met’ her on this blog. She actually knew my son from her Pharmacy, not via me. I met another new blog friend a few weeks ago in Florida. She asked me to let her know when I was coming down and we went for dinner!

We moved into this neighborhood nearly 16 years ago and I was almost 40. Went to the pool yesterday and caught up with all the friends that were there. I also walk in the neighborhood and my daughter accuses me of stopping to talk to everyone….which I do.

We switched churches last year and so I have about a dozen women I am friends with there.

My kids are grown and mostly out of the house. I was friends with some of the Moms back then but do not keep in touch as much. My kids both had the same 3rd grade teacher and we loved her. She has just retired and came to my son’s Pharmacy hooding ceremony and then out to lunch with us. We plan to get together and do some things. I met her when I was in my 30’s.

We are going to a wedding in Kansas and flying into Tulsa to visit a former neighbor whose husband died recently. We lived next to her when I was 27-30. It has been a long time but we look forward to seeing her. I have another friend who is 70 and lives out of state. I call her 3-5 times a week. She came to the beach with me last September. I met her when I was 35, while speaking at a conference.

Not sure what you consider close: you can call them whenever, you see them once a month, they text you or send you a Facebook message? I have lots of friends and I am open to new ones all the time!

motherjanegoose

July 10th, 2013
7:10 am

Here is a question I have…do husbands usually make their own male friends like we have female friends? I encourage mine to do things with other men but he typically does not. He has about 5 or 6 “friends” from work but they really only see each other at work or unless I make the effort to get the couples together. Most of his friends are the husbands of the friends I have. He rarely does anything with just another man. The owner of the studio ,where I record, sometimes offers me his GBraves tickets. I cannot always go and mention it to me husband. He does not seem to be able to figure out who can go with him. I suggest and mention names and typically have to call to set this up. I want him to do some things with other men once in a while. Do most men set up their own social life? Perhaps it is a good thing that he prefers to hang with me and our family? He does get bored when I travel. Anyone?

Mayhem

July 10th, 2013
7:21 am

WOW, yet another article to make us feel bad about ourselves. It’s not hard to make friends, but you have to BE a friend. And it takes work. You have to make the effort to keep in touch. If not, we get too busy with our lives, kids, etc., and we don’t make the time for ourselves……I believe in a good girls night out at least once a month.

I have had the same group of girlfriends since my late teens. A few “newbies” have been inducted into our group. We go on girlfriend weekends, have parties for any and all occasions….LOL. Just this past LONG 4 day weekend, we were all at the lake, with our kids, husbands, families, etc. We all get along, always have, and never a harsh word is spoken when we are together. Laughter, laughter, and more laughter,…..oh and alcohol. Yes, lots of alcohol…..this past weekend, we went through 4 jugs of Sangria…..we are professionals….LOL.

We have stood at each other’s weddings, been at the hospital for the births of our children, cried on each other’s shoulders, gotten through several divorces, and new marriages, aging and death of our parents, etc. And we are still as strong as ever. I don’t know where I would be without my girlfriends!!!

My advice to you TWG is to get out, make friends, and make the effort to stay friends. And remember, in order to have friends, you have to be a friend too.

A smile will attract people. Keep a smile on your face, and people will be drawn to you!!

Mayhem

July 10th, 2013
7:23 am

MJG – my husband is friends with all my girlfriends husbands, and they go off often. We have girlfriend weekend, then they have “man weekend”. Man weekend is usually spent at one of their houses, shaping up the yard, playing with tools, watching sports, etc. Us girls go on vacation, we go to Charleston, St. Simons, Gatlinburg, etc.

We are trying to get ALL of us to go to Vegas next spring. What a hoot that would be……

BlondeHoney

July 10th, 2013
7:27 am

When I moved here from Florida 8 years ago, I was on my own at 45; no family, only 1 friend (and she was a fairly new friend at the time). I made some AWESOME new friends that i love like there’s no tomorrow. I still keep in touch with some old friends as well, but they are not close so it’s not the same as it was because we can’t do stuff together like we used to. TWG, get out there and make new friends; you will be glad you did.

motherjanegoose

July 10th, 2013
7:51 am

@BlondeHoney…we moved to Atlanta 24 years ago this month and did not know a SOUL. I have so many friends here in Atlanta. I have moved all my life and simply had to make new friends. Perhaps it is different when you have lived in the same area.

@Mayhem, I also go places with my woman friends. Husband is not friends with the husbands of my friends. We can go out together, as couples, but he does not go alone. We took a couple to dinner on Saturday that we recently met. We do socialize with others but he does not do it solo, unless at work. He does go to lunch with co workers at least 3 times a week. I do not feel bad about myself after reading this post, as I have lots of friends and continue to make new ones. If you have lots of friends, why would you feel bad?

I think it is neat to make friends with people who are different from you. That is certainly how it has been, on this blog, for me. I have learned lots of new things from those who went to lunch or dinner with me. It is fascinating!

April

July 10th, 2013
7:59 am

I think part of the issue is in how we define friends. The word friend means different things to different people.

I have three women that I call real friends – one is my sister, one a college roommate, and one I met about 15 years ago when we worked together. These are women that I feel will be there for me no matter what. I can tell them anything; we could call each other at any time for any reason. I then have lots of friends that I know through my current job, kids, and church. I enjoy them. We sometimes do fun things together. We share some of the intimate details of our lives depending on our connection, but most of them are not the ones I would depend on in an emergency or bare my soul to.

I think that true friends were easier to make when we were younger. We were not as busy, not as guarded, and had more time to develop those relationships.

TWG, it sounds like you and I are more similar in our attitudes toward friends. I have some of the same issues that you do and am making an effort to cultivate more “close” friendships.

motherjanegoose

July 10th, 2013
8:04 am

TWG…comment gone and it was a suggestion. Guess I have too many posts. Off to meet my friends!

Crooked Rooster

July 10th, 2013
8:29 am

I have to agree with TWG on this, as I have hit my mid 30’s it has become increasingly difficult to make legitimate new friends. At this point in my life I have more acquantances than ever but the same 4-5 really close friends from highschool and college days. My thought is that the friends you make during this period share the bond of coming of age together and that can’t really be duplicated later in life with new folks. The people running around claiming they have dozens of close friends are just confused by what a close friend really is…hint its not someone you soley speak to on Facebook.

HB

July 10th, 2013
8:48 am

It is harder, I think partly because of the coming of age thing like Crooked Rooster said, and partly because you’re not in as many situations where everyone is new and looking for friends (like moving into the dorm, starting high school, etc.). You definitely have to make a determined effort to meet people and get to know them. TWG, one thing I would recommend is not deciding people aren’t a good fit before you meet them. So what if the mommies in the group your friend likes have preschoolers? Are you really trying to limit friends to only people with kids your age? Go ahead and go, and if it’s not a good fit, then move on, but even in doing that much, you may really click with one woman who becomes a great friend. I met some of my closest friends through softball. Over time, the team became more serious/competetive and I ended up quitting because I’m lousy and was just there to have fun, but those athletes are still good friends of mine off the field, and 4 are very close friends. It didn’t matter that they were serious competitors, and I was a better fit for a more laid-back league — we have other things in common. The activity was just an introduction, not the basis of our entire friendship.

Techmom

July 10th, 2013
8:49 am

I agree with April. Though I have lots of friends that I’ve made as an adult, there are only a few people in this world, I would share just about anything with. Most of them are the friends I made in high school. I have a couple of other really, really close friends that I’ve made as an adult and for whom I would do anything for, but it’s simply not the same kind of relationship I have with those long-timers. There’s something easy about knowing all of someone’s good and bad points, their highs and lows to make you feel like there’s no judgement going on. With the friends I’ve made as an adult, I always feel like there’s a level of trust missing.

I thought the comment about how we become friends with people was funny because it’s so dang true. Especially if your kids play ball or are really involved in a certain activity/group/club:
“I spend whole days with people, I’m like, I never would have hung out with you, I didn’t choose you. Our children chose each other. Based on no criteria, by the way. They’re the same size.”

catlady

July 10th, 2013
9:03 am

Theresa, it may depend on what,kind of person you are-introvert or extrovert. I am very much an I.,,I have made friends all my life, but I guess all of them are “situational” friends to start out with. Church, school, neighborhood, grad school, my closest friends have come from there. And even one from this blog!

Now, MJG seems to be very extroverted. She gets to know people quickly and seems to become comfortable with them quickly. What I have noticed about people with lots of friends is that they focus on the other, and they are not afraid to be,themselves,and “let it all hang out.”

My elder daughter, very much an I, chides me sometimes about how I can talk to people. “It is just so easy for you, Mom,” she says. I laughed when she said that! I have to MAKE myself be outgoing, by reminding myself, “underneath our clothes, we are all naked!” My natural inclination is to sit back and observe, but I can take a deep breath and,put it out there when I remember that.

The other thing that consoles and strengthens me is to think back to the birth of my three children. Each time, STRANGERS were looking at a certain private part of my body with rapt attention. If you can go through THAT, there is little that should faze you!

Denise

July 10th, 2013
9:20 am

I have plenty of close friends…people that I can call for any reason at any time, people I just love to sit in the same room with even if all we’re doing is watching TV. That is one reason I struggled with moving to TX. I have many attachments in ATL but only had work “friends” in TX. I have met a good number of Sorority Sisters and I will be joining an Alumnae chapter in the new sororal year so I will meet more and hopefully make some real friends. I’m lonely a lot here though being single with no children. I need to settle in (move in next week) and get on meetup.com and find some groups that I would like to associate with. I am resigned to the fact that I probably won’t get as close to people here as I have in ATL. Most of them are OOOOLLLLLLDDDDD (20+ year) friends..

FCM

July 10th, 2013
9:52 am

“dating and driving cars ” hopefully some of that still a bit off.

Oldest has a boy she txt with all the time. They do not live near each other but met through church so yes, boys are fast becoming the topic at my house. Dating is still not a sure let me drive you to the movies (she is 13!)

FCM

July 10th, 2013
10:04 am

DANG I did not stay close to the people from HS or College. We “lost touch”…some of them and I have reconnected as FB friends. I guess I am going to live life as a friendless hermit according to that article.

WOW what a downer for a Wednesday

FCM

July 10th, 2013
10:10 am

“you have to BE a friend. And it takes work. You have to make the effort to keep in touch” exactly how I have “lost touch” with various friends over the years. I do make an effort but if it is not reciprocated (sp?) than eventually I stop making the effort.

mother of 2

July 10th, 2013
11:31 am

I have moved around the country several times and I can attest that it can be difficult to make true friends, although acquaintances abound. The easiest way for me to make true friends was when my kids were in elementary school and high school. The middle years seemed to be difficult for everyone. I volunteered for my kids’ activities, and met loads of people, and made a couple of true friends. While making friends, I try to call them at least every month to touch base and try to go out for lunch or coffee – I found this really helped to develop a friendship. I’ve also joined several groups – book clubs, bible study, sports groups (I play handball), and make an effort to connect with the ladies in these groups on a monthly basis. Making friends takes time and effort, I wish you the best of luck.

A

July 10th, 2013
11:58 am

I also found that when we moved to ATL that most of the moms were already in “cliques” and didn’t seem interested in bringing anyone new in. I find the worst offenders of the clique mentality to be the PTA moms who seem to rule the school. I am close to a handful of people from different points in my life, but not too many people here. I do have a group of ladies I see every few months for a movie or other activity, and we all share common interests, so that’s a bright spot.

missnadine

July 10th, 2013
11:58 am

Why not expand your friend “requirements” and not just include women with kids your age? I am sure that you probably don’t project a very happy outlook. It comes across often in your writing. You probably meet all kinds of great people, but because they have younger kids, you are removing them from consideration. Like others have said, you need to BE a friend to have a friend.. just try it and see.

Mayhem

July 10th, 2013
12:33 pm

@FCM – exactly! I’m usually the one making contact, since I am so social. I’m always the one getting us all together, and that in itself is a chore…LOL. We even went as far as to start a “cooking club” where we take turns hosting it at one of our homes. The hostess has to plan the entire menu, delegate who brings what, then we all cook together. Each menu has to be something the hostess has never tried before.

There is one woman in this group, who very rarely shows up at our “events”. I told her, if she didn’t start coming when invited, we would take her off the invite list. (jokingly). Her husband is quite the hermit, has NO friends, and hates to leave the house. She feels obligated to stay home and be miserable with him. She did, however, come up to the lake for our Memorial Day party, left him at home, and she stayed the night with us. She loves to let loose with us, but very rarely gets a chance. Her husband is not social, does not like to be around us rowdy types, and hates to go on vacations. He absolutely HATES spending any kind of money, unless it’s on their house. SMH. I don’t get it……

jmb

July 10th, 2013
12:56 pm

Mayhem, I was married to a guy like that for 20 years. They are a unique breed of folks for sure. He always said he didn’t like people and didn’t need friends. He believed that noone could be a friend, they were all motiviated to get something for their own benifit. The man I’m with now doesn’t meet a stranger and thinks everyone is good which can be bad too. I see a lot of people use him and take advantage of his good nature and it really irks me but he’s a friendly guy that loves people and he would do anything for anyone, even a stranger. So as long as he’s happy, I just go with the flow and try to be nice to all the strangers he calls his friends. I’ve cooked dinner for more than a few people we’ve only met once.

motherjanegoose

July 10th, 2013
1:57 pm

@crooked…The people running around claiming they have dozens of close friends are just confused by what a close friend really is…hint its not someone you soley speak to on Facebook.

Does it count if you actually meet up with the people and even spend the night with them, on a trip? I have done this with several folks. I have lots of friends. Not all are close. Some I can call on a whim and some I only contact via Facebook. Some I call every week. Some are HS friends and I do only contact them on FB. They are not close.

@catlady…yes, this would be me: Now, MJG seems to be very extroverted. She gets to know people quickly and seems to become comfortable with them quickly.

Brown Eyed Girl!

July 10th, 2013
2:27 pm

I moved to Kentucky twelve years ago and finally accepted that I have not friends here. I have BEEN a friend! When I moved here, I tried to be friends with some of my husbands friends. That didn’t work because we are just different people and did not have anything in common. So I decided to make my own friends. I invited people from the church over for dinner, tried to have other events and invited them. They take, take, take but don’t give. I’ve never been invited to their houses. I’ve made friends all over the world, so I know I am friendly. The people I have come across are just not interested!

BehindEnemyLines

July 10th, 2013
3:15 pm

Here’s a thought: the average person simply isn’t as likable as they used to be. Therefore getting past even step one toward an eventual friendship is a hurdle that isn’t cleared as often as it used to be.

FCM

July 10th, 2013
4:27 pm

Actually I think people work so much and spend so much time on…FB, blogs, etc that we just don’t interact face to face anymore. I was talking about this with my Mom over the holiday. We used to throw BIG (100+folks) parties for the 4th of July. Potluck style, byob too except that we would get a keg. Then it moved to smaller 30+ people parties at the lake when I was in college. This year? Um yeah no parties.

Mom said everyone got tired of the expenses, and all us kids grew up and moved off so we didn’t throw them either. Same thing with Christmas parties.

motherjanegoose

July 10th, 2013
4:31 pm

@Brown Eyed Girl…I do find that some people are fine with ME calling them and asking about getting together or organizing a venue ( at my house or elsewhere). Not sure what is up with that. I am thinking of some older friends we know, and it is his birthday soon. We hosted a 60th birthday party for him here. That was several years ago. I called them a few weeks ago, to get together and nothing was set up. I am sending a card today with LET US KNOW IF YOU WANT TO GET TOGETHER and we will see what happens.

@ Behind…I have found plenty of likable/interesting people but there are not as many folks who want to invest in a friendship, as far as a two way street. They are either too busy or do not want to put forth the effort. Not sure why this is more common. Again, I know plenty of folks who are happy when I ask about getting together but very few who call us to initiate. I tend to be the one who makes the call.

motherjanegoose

July 10th, 2013
4:32 pm

@ FCM…we could be friends…haha!

catlady

July 10th, 2013
6:13 pm

Upon reflection, each time I have moved as an adult, I have allowed myself to drift away from my friends. Not suddenly, but as I invested more in wherever I currently live I still have friends from various stages of my life, but where I am now in my journey is where most of my life is.

catlady

July 10th, 2013
6:16 pm

Not interested in FB. I have some beloved friends that I hear from every Christmas, but if I needed them, or they needed me, we would call.

Atlanta Clear Thought

July 10th, 2013
6:54 pm

Unsurprising. Really ? You don’t work and the husband brings in the coin. Folks acknowledge that and are quite perceptive. Do some work and others will acknowledge.

Atlanta Clear Thought

July 10th, 2013
6:56 pm

Again…… I am confused by the picture at the top of this “blog”. 3 girls or 2 girls and boy. Clarify. Oh, and WHY ? are we blogging from 2000 miles away about a city the “blogger” doesn’t live in ? Stop. Move on.

DB

July 10th, 2013
9:13 pm

@Atlanta Clear Thought: There’s nothing about this blog that is just “Atlanta” mom — moms are moms everywhere, and have similar issues, concerns, worries and joys. So what if she writes from Arizona? I’m sitting here in a hotel in Shanghai writing, too — according to you, I don’t belong on this blog because I’m not in Atlanta. What a pitiful, narrow view of the world you have.

As to the topic: I have a dear friend from 3rd grade — we’ve lost touch with each other now and then, depending on the times of our lives, but I know I could pick up the phone and call her and she’d be right there in a second (assuming, of course, she wasn’t traveling, which she does a lot of these days!) I have another friend that I met when we both moved in our neighborhood 24 years ago, within a couple of weeks of each other. Our kids are of similar ages, and again, we would do anything for each other. I don’t have scads of friends — it’s like there are different compartments of my life, and the friends don’t seem to flow from one to the other easily. Work friends, yes, but they are the type that don’t often stick once you or they move on. Childhood friends grow up and away to different lives and places, and then there are the friends you meet in the most unexpected places (hi, MJG!) that have their own place. We had some good friends when we lived in South Florida that drifted away after we moved (well, I guess we were the ones that “drifted”!), but for a while there, we did everything together — had kids, shopped, vacationed, ate dinners together, etc., etc.

I guess you just need to take friends where you find them, and cherish them when you have them. I agree with another poster, T, don’t be afraid to have friends whose kids are at a different place than yours. She may be hoping for a friend who is, as MJG says, “further down the street” than she is, and you may be HER lifeline to surviving toddler years!!

What I’m finding interesting now is that several friends are becoming grandmothers. At that point, it seems that I just write them out of existence, because their entire life becomes laser-focused around their grandchild, and every spare second is either talking about the grandchild, buying for the grandchild, or plotting their next time with the grandchild, dropping plans because their son/daughter needs a babysitter, etc., etc. I hope there’s a happy medium in there somewhere . . but it seems hard to pin down.

C’est la vie . . .

motherjanegoose

July 11th, 2013
7:03 am

@ DB…ditto on the grandparent thing. Perhaps we can ride that one out at the same time and we can swap photos and stories. Are we thinking 5 years? HAHA! Our friendship has been and unexpected surprise and fun.

catlady

July 11th, 2013
3:14 pm

DB. Yeah, I watched all my (much younger) friends getting grandchildren, and I thought,”Silly old fools! I sure won’t be like that!” And then they handed me L, and I UNDERSTOOD. Immediately, totally.

When my elder daughter was getting married, I mentioned at church that I wanted advice to be a good MIL. A voice came from the back–”keep your mouth shut!” Then, nine months later, as I was about to become a grandmother, I asked at church for advice on being a good grandma. The voice, again, “Same advice!”

On topic, I remember when I met the two people who would become my best friends all through junior high and high school. I did not like either one for months! Friendships take time to grow. ( we graduated 1, 2, and 3 in our class, and remained friends through it all.). Give it time, Theresa.

Ann

July 11th, 2013
7:23 pm

I have been fortunate to find wonderful new friends during each decade of my life. I am around 50 and have an elementary age child. My friends, though, run the gamut from 30 to 80. In our neighborhood, there are quite a few elderly, retired folks and we have surprisingly made some wonderful friends. I have also found some terrific friends through play groups and these are folks who have continued to be friends beyond the life of the group. They are people that I have something in common with beyond our children. I have also developed friendships through tennis and volunteer activities.

The key, though, is to be willing to initiate invitations. These days, people have very busy lives, with lots of activities, and they are often just focused on getting through each day. I have cultivated friendships by being willing to be the “inviter” more than the “receiver”; although, it works both ways at times. I find some friends, who I like, to be a little shy about initiating and others are just busy or overwhelmed with day to day life, but they still enjoy getting together frequently and will help others when the need arises.

Also, I have found you have to be open to talking to people enough in social situations to find those that you click with. For me, I can tell depending on whether the conversation “flows” easily beyond just the surface chit-chat. Are they easy to talk with, as if you’ve known them your entire life? While that is not the only criteria or a requirement, I have found that my closest friends are those I am at ease with and the conversation flows without effort.

Theresa, I know you volunteer at your kids’ schools. I would suggest volunteering at some other places of interest where you log some significant hours with a regular group of people that you can get to know. Some examples that come to mind are a garden group that spends time planting, or a Habitat for Humanity group, a local Nature Center, community theater group.

motherjanegoose

July 12th, 2013
8:18 am

@catlay…love your comments! Keeping my mouth shut will be hard but I have heard that same advice and will do my best :).

We took our former neighbor to dinner last night, here in Tulsa. We are going 400 miles out of our way to see her. She will be 70. She was there for us when we were first married and were young parents. Not everyone is willing to be the kind of friend she was to us and we are to her. We have not seen her in 20 years, kept in touch with Christmas cards and emails. She sent our son the NICEST card in May and we decided to just make the effort. Her 42 year old daughter came too, as she babysat our son while I took college classes. It was a great visit.

FYI …if I become your friend…I will be your friend for a LONG time, unless you do something awful to breach the friendship. I love old and new friends too!

FCM

July 12th, 2013
9:52 am

@ DB my mother is quick to remind me she raised her children. She loves her grands very much but doesn’t hesitate to tell me (or them) she is busy with her own thing. Not every grandma drops everuthing. I have a feeling you will adore them but still find time to be your own person (like my Mom does).

I am having lunch this weekend with a person I know from work. I want hope to build into a friendship but right now it would be to early to know. She is the mother of a 7 month old so much younger than mine. I wouldn’t want to write her off b/c of it though.

I have another friend that lives further away so I don’t see often. she is close to my age, her husband and my brother went to school together. I was pregnant with my oldest at her wedding (14 years ago!). Her oldest child is 7. Again I wouldn’t write them off.

That lady’s brother in law is my age. He has 2 grown (20 something) children. He and his wife have a beautiful 1 year old. I am working at getting together with them soon since they are back in the area. I cannot imagine not having known him the last 20+ years even though we have been at different parts of the sidewalk many times.

I am with MJG you can be on different parts of the sidewalk and still e friends.

(Side note: my brother is best friends of the last 2 people I talk about. My brother has no children yet, but we keep praying and they keep trying!)

dave

July 12th, 2013
5:45 pm

im 24 and i have been trying to make a friend since i was a junior in highschool.. i try to give up and accept it but it sucks.. i have started aging badly and have no social skills now, in dont know what to do anymore… i have lost motivation to study because money wont change anything so i only have been taking a few classes a semester i feel like women have outrageous standards and men already tend to havenfriends and dont want any newer ones

A-2

July 13th, 2013
1:16 pm

i agree with the person who said that it depends on each person’s definition of a “friend”. Having tons of people to talk to, does not mean they are your friends. For me, a friend is someone I can depend on, trust, be vulnerable, etc. I moved to here in 2002, and I can say that I have not made any friends. I have acquaintances and people I know at work they would never know about my life. My staff knows more than others and they know what I choose to share.

I have no dark secrets, but think that people over share. I do not need to know the details of anyone’s life and you don’t need to know mine. If you are MY FRIEND, we will talk about it anyway. I also find that people, here, form cliques and it’s not easy to become a member of that alliance. Not that I’ve tried hard to do so as I’m not interested in being in a group which has its own agenda.

I know an couple (70’s & 80’s) and I am the closest with this couple. I worked with the wife 20+ years ago as they lived in the VI as well. If I am in a pinch and I need some assistance (not $$), I can call on them and they would be there. I had brain surgery a couple years ago. My mother, sister and brother came to be with me, My oldest daughter was in grad school in Nashville and she came home every weekend. My youngest was an UG in college and was here for me as well. I refused any offer to bring us food, etc. My mom is a great cook and could not think of eating food from anyone else or accepting assistance with my family available. I would’ve refused even they weren’t. An acquaintance at work showed up while I was ICU and it upset me. If you visited me in ICU, I wanted you to do so.

At work, I avoid the cliques as nothing positive comes from these groups. They pretend to be a close group, but stab each other in the back ALL.THE.TIME!! Some are in the clique to see how many times they can be promoted regardless of qualifications. That is not my cup of tea. My family is very close; so it’s my family, the couple and a girlfriend in VA, who was my kids pre-school teacher. It was really cool that she visited with me and went up to Nashville for my daughter’s graduation.

Oh, please do not show up to my home if you were not invited and I hardly invite anyone to my space. Am I a recluse? No, I am very guarded and prefer not to be bothered. My youngest daughter is very social, but her friends are high school and college. My oldest daughter is very much like me…very guarded and keep your distance. Her friends are from high school and college as well.

Oh, well, it takes many different types to make the world.

beth

July 16th, 2013
6:27 pm

I have friends, but I don’t really have any close friends. Sometimes I wish I had close/best friends, but have learned to settle for female companionship. I guess I would consider myself guarded but not an introvert. I was never the type to have a ton of friends in high school but did have a couple of close friends. We moved away from the area that I grew up in more than 20 years ago, so I don’t really consider my high school friends close friends anymore… although we do keep in touch thru facebook etc. When I moved to Georgia and started my career, I had work friends that I occassionally had dinner/drinks with but not the type of relationship where we were exchanging phone numbers and I could just call on a whim. Then when I had my daughter, I became a stay at home mom and joined a playgroup. 7 years ago, I found a good group of women and we bonded over motherhood. As the kids grew, started school, and made their own friends, our “playgroup” turned into more. We are now a group of friends and we still get together once a month at least for dinner out or at each other’s houses and we do celebrate some holidays together as a group. Some in the group work so we don’t see them as often, and some have “paired off” and hang out alot together (outside the group). I guess I sort of wish I had a “best friend’ but I never got to that point with anyone. I know that it’s me, I’m too guarded, but I don’t know how to be any other way. I’ve tried making a connection with moms of my kids friends or our neighbors but they either work, or have alot of family close, or have 4/5 kids and too many activities etc etc etc. It never works out.

I don’t know, when you figure out how to make adult female friends in your 40s, let me know.