Do you roll out the idea of divorce slowly or pull it off like a Band-Aid?

I know a mom that is considering divorcing her husband. She has gone as far as visiting a lawyer to see how things would work.

Before visiting the lawyer, she thought she would take her husband to a counselor to have a third-party present to tell him she wants a divorce. She thought the counselor would be good in case he just completely loses it.

But the lawyer advised her not to discuss the divorce with her husband until she was ready to move out or have him moved out. He said it should all happen in one day to avoid further discussion and dragging it out – a la Katie-Holmes style.

I guess with this method you have to know you’re really doing this and there won’t be any convincing you not to pull the trigger.

But is this fair to the other party? Should the spouse get some warning – or did that come earlier in daily life? Should the spouse get a chance to defend the union? Does the immediately parting method make you enemies and not allow for a civil divorce or does it just make sense?

How would you feel if you were the spouse being told of the divorce? How was it handled in your divorce?

54 comments Add your comment

Georgia

January 30th, 2013
12:46 am

Make it quick. Get out fast. Plan every single move so that you get the items out of the house that you really care about, (you know, like the kids, or the cool couch, or the paintings on the wall). Expect your spouse to retaliate the way Atilla the Hun did against the Romans. Expect all out war. So, if your marriage stinks and you want to save your life, don’t tip your hand too quick. It only takes a couple of weeks to really get it right. Put up with the wildebeest you married for a few more days and then enact your plan. Get out. And all communications after that date should only be through your lawyer.

Don’t ruin your life over a little bitty divorce. If he/she cries? GOOD! they needed heart-breakin. maybe the next time they wont act like such a fooking peeg. There’s no excuse for behavior like that….RIGHT????

A reader

January 30th, 2013
12:56 am

I think it depends upon the reasons that led to the divorce. If the other spouse cheated or betrayed you in some other way (gambling, addition, financial secrets, …), then tell them nothing until you are ready. Or if YOU are on the verge of cheating, then for for heaven’s sake, end your marriage BEFORE you have the affair. That will be the kindest thing you can do if you really cannot control your urge to cheat.

But if you are not sure because you “grew apart” or whatever, give the marriage a chance and go to counseling.

Trust me, the grass is not greener on the divorced side. The only positive thing I can say is that my husband no longer lies to me because he is no longer my husband.

catlady

January 30th, 2013
6:57 am

I agree with A Reader. It depends on the reason. If it had been adultery, I would have felt dfferently. However, my former husband had plenty of warning that I was unhappy, and after I made him move out, he had ample time to work on it. He even agreed with me that he would see a counselor; 25 years later, that has not happened.

I was tired of taking care of/providing for four children–he among them. Still, it could have been saved, but I was unwilling to make ALL the effort on that also.

Also financial circumstances might make it different. He brought little to the marriage, so I was not worried that he would try to leave me broke.

He remarried later and his “new” wife is even lazier and more absent than he, and an alcoholic to boot. Unfortunately he is having to raise their son, and it is not going well. I am concerned for their son, as how he is doing impacts my children, who are fond of him, but there are limits to what I will do about that as well.

One thing the counselor taught we is that the world is divided into things that are mine to see to, and things that are not. The side of things that are not has grown ever-larger, which makes me less anxious and more able to live.

A Realist

January 30th, 2013
7:00 am

@ Georgia……a little bitter are we? You are harsh. From the sounds of it I am sure your ex is much better off. ….maybe he has a little 20-something w fake boobs on his arm by now :)

mom2alex&max

January 30th, 2013
7:21 am

I think it depends on the situation. I have friends whose lawyers have told them not to say a word one until they have all their ducks in a row. Sounds harsh, but this prevents the husband from having an opportunity to hide assets. Also if you think of divorce as a war (which it is in a lot of cases) there is a huge strategic advantage to throwing the first punch.

I wouldn’t do this unless the marriage was seriously over and there is absolutely zero chance of working on it.

Jeff

January 30th, 2013
7:47 am

I would suggest you tread lightly in the proceedings because if you hope to have any type of cooperation in the future regarding working together for the kids (birthdays, pick up schedules, graduations, visits, etc), making the divorce proceedings into WWIII will most likely ruin that part of your future.

But you know your spouse better than anyone.

Mayhem

January 30th, 2013
8:09 am

I would HIGHLY suggest you are financially ready to leave your spouse, if you make that choice. You will need to find a new place to live, along with deposits, utilities, etc. If you are seriously considering leaving, then you need to be financially prepared.

I’ve always believed in having my own savings account, hubs and I talked about this while we were dating, and you NEVER know. I’ve always worked, and I’ve had access to all our money, and my own savings account.

I’ve had several friends who were blindsided and were not in a place financially, and had to fight for every dime, etc. A few of them ended up working two jobs just to pay the basics.

Although, the “D” word has NEVER been mentioned in my marriage. Still going strong 30+ years. I think the fact that we took time for each other while raising kids, and had our own interests outside each other, was the key for us. He has his guy friends, and I have my girlfriends. He’s gone deep sea fishing with the boys, and I’ve gone on girlfriend weekends to the beach. Plus, we’ve always taken (and still do) a week vacation by ourselves every year. He is my best friend, and I want to keep it that way. I could not imagine my life without him in it.

motherjanegoose

January 30th, 2013
8:47 am

I have ZERO experience on this topic and so I was not going to comment until I read this:

Toss in a family move to a horrible place to live, the desert,

That made me laugh. NOT EVERYONE likes the same place. I was in ABQ about 10 days ago. It was beautiful. I told someone I was from ATL and he told me, ” Too claustrophobic…all those trees and you cannot see anything! You can see for miles here!” I will say that the traffic in ABQ, or lack of, was VERY enticing. I was in the interstate at 8:00 a.m. and saw about 50 cars total, as far as I could see.

I do love the Phoenix area. Not sure I would move there but I would rather be there than several other places right now, if I had the choice.

We also have separate bank accounts and credit cards. We handle money differently and there is no use in fighting over something that has been different for 30 years. We have buckled down on a lot of things and saved for our retirement..

FCM

January 30th, 2013
8:50 am

Do it fast. If you are not prepared to follow through on the action (no matter what it is) you don’t say you will do it.

Divorce is painful enough without all the extra stuff.

FCM

January 30th, 2013
8:55 am

@ Jeff…I agree with you but doing it quick rather than slow can still be good and done without WWIII

BIGGEST thing when working out the divorce is to remember it is a business contract (leave the emotions at home) that is being negotiated. What is 100% in the best interest of the CHILDREN needs to be negotiated first.

kimmer

January 30th, 2013
8:58 am

To use a counselor to tell your spouse you are divorcing him/her is deceitful in my mind. A counselors job is to help people save their marriage not as an instrument to tell your spouse you are divorcing them. If you want a third party present that is a lawyer’s job.

beth

January 30th, 2013
10:18 am

Having no experience with it myself, my sister discovered her husband was cheating but she could not legally throw him out. Ohio is a no-fault state. For the next year, they both lived in their newly custom built home together with their 3 kids and were at each other’s throats daily. It was bad. He fought her tooth and nail on the divorce. He has political ambitions and wanted to maintain the appearance of a happy family… but wanted his girlfriend on the side. She of course said Hell No. But it was a 3 year fight before it was finally over. But it was the kids who suffered the most. I felt horrible for my nieces/nephew who were all under the age of 7. They were aware of EVERYTHING. They saw the fighting, they knew daddy had a girlfriend. Because he didn’t want to get a divorce, they never sat the kids down and told them anything. They just decided to say nothing and as a result the kids came up with their own conclusions. Point is… QUICK LIKE A BAND-AID IS BEST!!!

Uh, T...

January 30th, 2013
10:23 am

…just go ahead and kick Michael out (you “know a mom” – rrriiiggghhhttt) – BUT, be sure you have made excellent financial arrangements before doing so – and get a good lawyer, too – since he is the “main” breadwinner, you know he will have good one…

FCM

January 30th, 2013
10:33 am

But is this fair to the other party? Divorce, the emotional side, is seldom about fair. The emotional stuff is something he/she needs to discuss with someone other than the person they are divorcing. One thing about the divorce is that your (soon to be ex) spouse’s emotional baggage is not your concern, the sooner that you accept that the sooner you heal. The business side (custody/division of assets) is where you can worry about fair.
Should the spouse get some warning – or did that come earlier in daily life? People say it came out of the blue. I know it felt that way when I went through mine. Truth is when you get that 20/20 hindsight perspective…you knew it was coming. Somebody stopped communicating, somebody stopped caring, somebody did something. The signs were all there, maybe you were in denial, maybe they were. Maybe you saw it but thought it was just a phase. Whatever, happened to get the marriage to the point of divorce was gradual…even if it was infedility, the signs were there and somebody knew.
Should the spouse get a chance to defend the union? The time to defend the union is while you are in the marriage. Marriage is work that does not take a holiday. Just like most jobs some of it goes better than others, some days go better than others. My parents have 46.5 years in, my neighbors had 47 (she passed away), and they worked at being “in the marriage.”
Does the immediately parting method make you enemies and not allow for a civil divorce or does it just make sense? There is nothing CIVIL about a divorce. Feelings are involved and best left outside the legal proceedings. Keep perspective of the important things. What is best for the kids should be the #1 thing on your mind….you need to rebuild some kind of stabilty. Accept that you and your spouse may take YEARS to get back to basic manners near each other. Keep drop off/pick up short and sweet. If you can view the transactions as business not personal it helps greatly. Typical call with my ex “Hey, summer is coming up and I am looking at timelines. They want to do ________ and ________ on this date. School is out here and resumes here. That means June x to July y is the best for you to take your weeks. Get with (new wife/family) and get back to me about what you are thinking works for you.”
How would you feel if you were the spouse being told of the divorce? Nobody is ever happy about it. The BEST to do is put the feelings (and not think like a female) in a box until the proceedings are over. During the months to finalization you can do feelings with your girlfriends/clergry/whomever. However the best is to wait until the finalization then deal with them. GRIEVE the loss of the relationship, GRIEVE the loss of the future you had planned…it is ok (and healthy) to grieve it. Then like other grief, accept that there will be good and bad days as you move forward. You find a way to get back to you and living your life. .
How was it handled in your divorce? Honestly, we did some things better than others. However, the above really is from my experience. He called me names for not allowing my feelings to be shown during the divorce….My father held me while I cried for 2 hours, trust me I had feelings, I just knew I had to keep going.

Grandma

January 30th, 2013
10:51 am

Mayhem, you are so lucky and so blessed. I wish everybody could have that, this world would be a much better place. I had it but my soulmate passed away. Remember to love him every moment of every day from this day forward.

Jeff

January 30th, 2013
10:52 am

Thanks FCM, very well put.

Trading revenge for revenge will only get more revenge in return. That’s not to say don’t stand up for what’s fair. Imagine that your children got to see a video later in life about everything that you attempt to do during the divorce. What will they think about what you attempted or wanted to do to their monther/father?

Voter

January 30th, 2013
11:44 am

Unless abuse of herself/kids or infidelity is involved, I recommend counseling. Kids will pay the price for divorce, it does harm them. If it has to be done, get your ducks in a row before starting. You have to know whether he or she will act violently. In some counties in GA, they have you take a “marriage” seminar prior to divorce. This seminar should be taken BEFORE you get married or while married. It’s very good in my opinion.

Voter

January 30th, 2013
11:51 am

And to answer your question, No, a counselor should not break the news of divorce. He/she deserves it face to face, unless your sure there will be violence. Having them served without any warning will usually very much upset the person and you will probably have a long drawn out process of divorce. I knew one couple that tried for several years, hoping their children would be older, they didn’t let on to the children at all about divorce, finally when they did divorce, the children were older, they sat down and drew up the particulars and had a lawyer file it. This saved them both a ton of money and stress and worry. Trust me when I say, the children pay the price.

Bobo

January 30th, 2013
12:12 pm

You are a real piece of work Theresa? Given your column yesterday, why don’t you just entitle your column “Covert DESTRUCTION of the family”?

How about the fact that everyone and anyone these days think that commitments don’t count? How about the fact that almost 75% of divorces are inititated by women? Affairs and terrible abuse notwithstanding, if you divorce your husband and subject your kids to the emotional turmoil of a divorce, you are nothing but SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH. If this ‘friend’ of yours is willing to stab the person in the back who is supposed to be the person that she pledged to be closest too and literally their other half, what does it matter what she does? Either way, it’s a horrible betrayal to her husband AND to her kids, and eventually what comes up comes down. Five years later, she’ll probably be sorting through the wreckage of her life, wondering why her kids won’t behave or hate her, why she is suddenly financially destitute, and dealing with consequences and regret that she never anticipated when the grass looked greener. What makes women think that other men will rush to date or marry a woman who divorced her previous husband over something flippant? Don’t you think smart guys know to avoid someone who will betray them when their whims tell them that they are tired of their present lifestyle? This isn’t Hollywood, where people have so much money that consequences go away. There are numerous psychology studies that say people who divorce are not any happier 5 or 10 years later, but that ones that stuck it out and worked through issues usually are. The mentality of divorcing another person for flippant reasons or even major aggravations is one that prescribes to the lie that a marriage is 100%/0% and that you are all sunshine and roses to deal with and that he hasn’t had to deal with any of your thorns. You want to have it both ways. 21st century women, by and large, are now spoiled brats. Men never win in this case and the cards are stacked against them so high, that I’m sure she’ll be able to leverage away the kids, but some day she will answer for her decision if this is based on something like ‘emotional issues’, ‘not feeling in love anymore’, ‘i just don’t know you anymore’, or a million other flippant reasons that people divorce these days. It’s a crime that people can divorce for something other than major, major issues like affairs, abuse, or fraud.

Why would you even bring this up in a column that is supposed to be about STRENGTHENING a family? If I were your own husband, I would now be sleeping with one eye open. Let’s just hope you’re not the type of toxic friend that helps her make the decision easier, by preaching the ‘you go girl’ and ‘be a strong woman and know what you want’ mantras. You have blood on your hands too, if this is what you are doing. A true friend would slap the daylights out of her and tell her to straighten out and grow up. Also, if there was abuse or affairs going on, a true friend would also do the same thing and tell her to wake up and smell the coffee.

SGT Hulka

January 30th, 2013
12:17 pm

Hey bobo. Lighten up, Francis.

Believe it or not, there are interesting topics that don’t align neatly with your limited worldview. Now get back to worrying about the gay Boy Scout your daughter is dating.

Anan

January 30th, 2013
12:17 pm

Put your “big girl/big boy” panties on and deliver the message yourself. I had a law enforcement officer spouse with a 357 magnum strapped to “their” side. I had been threatened with death if I tried to leave. I was so sick and tried that I just said to go ahead and shoot me. I had to have some relief someway.

Mayhem

January 30th, 2013
12:38 pm

@Grandma – Thank you. But you KNOW it’s been a tough road. It certainly hasn’t been easy here and there. But the COMMITTMENT we made, has been just that, a COMMITTMENT to each other. We took those vows, and we took them seriously.

I’m sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine having to go through a loss like that.

Voter

January 30th, 2013
12:38 pm

@Bobo – ouch, that is a little harsh. Although, I did notice you gave your opinion while lambasting the columnist.

FCM

January 30th, 2013
1:17 pm

@ BoBo…Feel threatened by women much?

True fact, I was recently sued for a change in child support. He took a lower paying job recently. He had told me before that he would one day just to get the support lowered. During the last several years while we have been divorced I worked darn hard to provide for my family. He gave his attorney an estimate of what he thought I made but of course I have to provide my financials. The JUDGE told him that he got lucky, his taking a lower paying job would not have reduced his payment the fact that I was now making MORE than he had estimated.

Cutty

January 30th, 2013
1:18 pm

I wonder if it was a man wanting a divorce would everyone be so quick to encourage him to leave ASAP. Women win in divorce, men lose. Most men know that and try to work out whatever issue is causing problems. Women leave know that they will get child support and possibly alimony from their husband. If the courts were more equitable and saw that women nowadays aren’t the same as when your grandmother was in her heyday, I bet more women would try and make it work. Most women get married today just to say they’re married.

Voter

January 30th, 2013
1:47 pm

@FCM – I feel your pain. I have been brought back into court every 2-3 years since our divorce,(since 2001). Several times, just to get more child support. Fortunately, I had a better attorney than I did for the divorce but make no mistake, she just wanted more money to continue her jet-set lifestyle. I took care of the children’s needs and continue to do so in addition to the child support she receives.

The Dogfather

January 30th, 2013
1:56 pm

You know why divorces are so expensive ? Because they are worth it…..

markie mark

January 30th, 2013
2:20 pm

When a girl absolutely broke my heart by cheating on me when I was in my early 20’s, a wiser and older friend said “one big hurt beats the hell out of a lot of little hurts”….now I know that is true. Glad it happened so I could recover and get on with life….and met my wife of 26 years a couple of years later.

If I have to spell it out, I am definitely an advocate of the “rip off the band aid” approach.

Tiffany

January 30th, 2013
2:35 pm

I agree with the lawyer’s advice. You had better have the details planned out in advance BEFORE you say anything to the spouse…just like Katie Holmes did. If there is ever a time when you might be putting yourself in danger, it would be telling your husband that you want a divorce. He might react really badly to this news and it could be unsafe…better for you and your children to have everything lined up ahead of time. Also, as someone said, don’t tip his hand to what you are doing legally. You risk losing a lot this way. I agree with what Jeff said about trying to avoid WWIII if you can…it is not always possible to do this however. You need to stand up for yourself and your rights, and don’t end up being too nice and becoming a doormat in the proceedings.

BlondeHoney

January 30th, 2013
2:57 pm

@Cutty, my ex was not in the LEAST interested in working out the problems in our relationship; when I asked him to go to counseling, he said I’m not going to counseling because I don’t have a problem – YOU do. I hung on way longer than I should have in retrospect. For the last few months that my boys were minors after we split up, I got ZERO child support and certainly no alimony because I made (and continue to make) far more money than he does. So much for your generalizations.

MomsRule

January 30th, 2013
3:45 pm

“The lawyer advised her not to discuss the divore with her husband.” ….

Am I the only one that believes the lawyer has an ulterior motive for this particular piece of advice? IF you actually have a conversation with your spouse you might not need the divorce lawyer.

I can understand the wife meeting with a lawyer to gain an understanding of the legal proceedings involved but I certainly wouldn’t take a lawyers advice on how to handle informing my spouse that I want a divorce.

And, unless there is a history of physical and/or emotional abuse taking your spouse to a counselor to tell them you want a divorce is cowardly.

MomsRule

January 30th, 2013
3:46 pm

TiredofPretension

January 30th, 2013
3:48 pm

Ahhhh…. one of the regulars never disappoints. Having no experience – and by her own admission nothing to contribute to the topic at hand – never stops her from blathering on just the same. You know who you are.

FCM

January 30th, 2013
4:13 pm

@ Voter…I get that there are women out there who think that the ex-spouse is supposed to support them still. I hate calling him “my” ex, because I honestly have nor want any claim on him. Yes, I do make a claim on part of his paycheck, I do that on behalf of my children. What he does contribute to their support I very much appreciate & need. My children have clubs, chuch events, child care needs, clothing needs, and so on. You said that you pay for things beyond what you pay in support. Does that mean clothes, school activities, and so on? In the years we have been divorced the only “extra” money he has spent on the children has been when he has had them (dinner during visitation/go to the beach) or tshirts/dolls with pictures of him on them. He has never said here is $20 go buy a new outfit to either child. He does buy them the big ticket stuff (trips to Disney, iPod, etc) for their birthday. He has even told them that he feels what he pays me is all he needs to pay…then again he told me I should only get $100/month in child support.

My point is that not all women are out to gouge the guy. I did notice he stopped calling to tell me I was just out to live off him once that finance stuff got seen.

Bobo

January 30th, 2013
4:21 pm

Threatened by women? Sure, and if you’re a man and you’re smart, you will be too. It’s like going to prison and not watching your back. If you settle down with a woman, you darn well better know her character and not be blinded by emotions. If they ascribe to the modern woman philosophy, then you get the hell out. Who wouldn’t be threatened by having someone live like a parasite and then in one fell swoop blow up your life? I feel threatened by poison being near my food too. I have a horrible ex-wife and a wonderful current wife. You know what the difference is between the sorority princess who divorced me and took all my money to run away with a TV producer and the current wife I have now? Character and old fashioned values. Contrary to popular belief, us male ‘pigs’ don’t feel a need to ‘control’ a woman who actually treats us with respect and doesn’t put herself on a pedestal like a demigod. On the contrary, a humble woman who treats us well will make us want to treat her like a queen. If you have a brain in your head and you are a guy, you will NOT marry a woman who thinks she is a cut above everyone else, somehow more special than the rest of humanity, and who thinks that her emotions can dictate everyone else’s life. Notice that I said that there ARE cases for divorce. If you beat the hell out of your wife, go pick up prostitutes, or go to jail for running a mafia drug ring, then you get what you deserve. However, if your husband doesn’t make enough money to buy you a Mercedes or he doesn’t put up with your elitist female lawyer name-hyphenating crap, that doesn’t give you the right to take your ball and go home.

Bobo

January 30th, 2013
4:42 pm

And divorce lawyers…..if you could put anyone down on the lowest rungs of humanity next to bacteria, slime molds, and Jerry Springer, that’s how the taxonomic tree would work. Talk about making a deal with the devil. Any divorce lawyer is going to do whatever they can to make a tidy profit off the misery of others. Even the ‘winner’ in a divorce, whatever that means, is going to pay an attorney for many years of their life afterward. There is no more honor in being a divorce lawyer than in being a mafia hitman or an identity thief. At least the hitman kills someone quickly without torturing them slowly.

Bobo

January 30th, 2013
4:45 pm

Tiffany you are a true coward and exactly the type of woman that men should avoid. Everything is about what you can get right?

Voter

January 30th, 2013
4:46 pm

@FCM – I agree. There are some very nice young ladies out there who are not out to gouge their “former spouse”. What I meant for beyond was this, at the time of the divorce we had 4 children. I was their main parent as she was now working the past 4 years and “too busy”. I held down a full time job as well. I even had to come home at lunch to babysit so she could go to work. We did that for 4 years until the divorce, she took 2 and the older 2 came with me, I tried to keep them all together at their home but the “Guardian ad Litem” wouldn’t recommend it. So paying out $1300+ in child support a month in addition to getting my own home for my 2 oldest, it was a challenge. I paid for all 4 children’s clothes, shoes, extra curricular activities, school lunch’s, car’s, insurance, vacation’s, prom’s homecoming,etc. The “ex” repaid me by taking me back & forth to court every 2-3 years. (She lost every time.)

Voter

January 30th, 2013
4:51 pm

@Bobo – “And divorce lawyers…..if you could put anyone down on the lowest rungs of humanity next to bacteria, slime molds, and Jerry Springer, that’s how the taxonomic tree would work.”

A good one. What do you call a 100 divorce lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start! :)

Denise

January 30th, 2013
5:05 pm

TWG – my comment didn’t post.

Bobo

January 30th, 2013
5:14 pm

What do you call 100 divorce lawyers buried up to their necks in cement?

Not enough cement.

Voter

January 30th, 2013
5:18 pm

@Bobo – Funny.lol

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

Senator (some say Mr. President)

And, what is the difference...

January 30th, 2013
6:06 pm

…between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom feeding, scum sucker; the other is just a fish…

Litt

January 30th, 2013
6:10 pm

Gee, another woman initiating a divorce. Who whudda thunk it. She just needs to go and not let the door hit her on the behind on the way out. She is only deluding herself if she thinks she is only considering a divorce. She has already made up her mind, but it’s not her husband’s feelings that she has in mind, but her own so that she can later claim that it was him that drove her too it when the reality is that she has already cut another pony from the herd.

atlmom

January 30th, 2013
6:41 pm

This isn’t a business transaction, it’s a divorce. Wow.
The advice from the lawyer seems to imply some abuse, though – if that’s the case (you don’t know how he’ll react!? really!? then you’re in an abusive relationship – and yes, it should be done quickly and perhaps in public).
Well, if you’re not sure how he/she would react, if you really think that they would hide assets, etc etc – then YES stop being married to that person. Get out. Seriously, people, why would you marry someone you don’t trust completely.

n

January 31st, 2013
7:41 am

The problem with divorce is the marriage agreement. The ” till death do us part” should be replaced with “till the 5 year marital agreement expires”or is renewed. If the lady of the house becomes aware that her option may not be renewed, she will become more loving, lose a few pounds and have a delecitable dinner waiting when her hard working spouse arrives.
I have run this by quite a few people and they like it.
We have all seen the new bride start to become slovenly around the home, talk all day on the phone about how tough she has it. Now, the husband might not be a “keeper” himself. Rarely, there is a husband that cannot be domesticated, leaves the seat up on the commode, unkempt,doesn”t shave or shower and expects the demure little lady to like it. With the 5 year option she can move out without violating any marriage agreement because of the 5 year option.
Listen to me and you will know what to do.

FCM

January 31st, 2013
9:05 am

atlmom…that is the problem most women have, they see divorce as something different than business in court. It is no different than the disollution of a company…you are liquidating assets and figuring out what to do with what is left. THE CHILDREN are the only real thing that is not busiess in court…that you need to worry about THE CHILDREN’s feelings not the parents.

As I stated above FEELINGS are delt with outside of the divorce legal stuff.

FCM

January 31st, 2013
9:06 am

btw in case you missed it I am female.

DB

January 31st, 2013
9:12 am

I’d say it very much depending on the circumstances. In Katie Holmes case, I think there was a prenup that already spelled out terms, which was why it was so cut and dried. If there was abuse involved, then the attorney’s advice is spot-on, because there is no hope/desire of reconciliation. On the other hand, if there’s only a vague discontent — well, that’s what a separation is for, to give both parties room to reflect and get their heads straight about what they want/need from the relationship, and see if there is room for change.

mystery poster

January 31st, 2013
9:31 am

@n
1950 called.