Do stepmoms get shafted on Mother’s Day?
Are stepmothers forgotten or ignored on Mother’s Day?
Family therapist and stepmother Judy Osborne says Mother’s Day is “the hardest day of the year.”
“Osborne, a Brookline, Mass.-based marriage and family therapist, started her practice, Stepfamily Associates, in 1980, specializing in stepfamilies. While she said she has a strong relationship with her own stepdaughter — a bond she cultivated slowly over many years — her stepmother clients have shown her time and again how the holiday sparks complicated feelings. “They really dread it,” Osborne said. “Mother’s Day tends to be a lot more charged” than Father’s Day because most women invest in mothering a new partner’s children. “I think it’s hardest on women who don’t have children themselves….”
“What Osborne said she observes affects a growing number of Americans as “nontraditional” family structures become more commonplace. As of 2009, 5.6 million children lived with at least one stepparent, according to the census. And, according to the Pew Research Center’s estimates in 2010, 42 percent of adults have at least one step-relative. While it’s difficult to determine how many stepmoms exist in the U.S., the Pew Research Center estimates 14 million.”
“Many stepmothers fill clear maternal roles, at least part-time, when divorced parents split time with their children, doing everything from taking kids back-to-school shopping to driving in the carpool. Often, they consider themselves co-parents with their partners, and strive to create close bonds with their partners’ kids. So if stepmothers aren’t shown appreciation on Mother’s Day, of all days, then when will they be acknowledged?”
Osborne says some reasons why stepmoms may get shafted on the holiday:
- No readily available cards at the store for stepmoms.
- The kids may be worried their “real” mom will feel betrayed by recognizing the stepmother.
What’s her advice?
The stepmothers shouldn’t expect too much. The spouse should step in and celebrate her, and the kids should know they could do nice things for their stepmothers any day of the year.
Will you be celebrating your stepmother this Sunday? If so, how? Will it differ from what you are doing for your birth mother? Will you let your mom know that you are doing something for your stepmom?
If you’re a stepmother, will you be expected a gift, card or special thought from your stepchildren?
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64 comments Add your comment
redandblackpeachy
May 9th, 2012
8:00 pm
My stepmother is a wonderful person and we have never had any difficulty. That being said I would never celebrate her in anyway that mimics what I do for my mother. Reason? She isn’t my mother. No matter how good of woman she is, she has not, cannot, will not ever come close to achieving the bond I have with my mother, providing the context that my mother provides. It doesn’t take away from her but those are the circumstances when being a stepparent. Simply put, she isn’t my Mom. On Mother’s Day, right or wrong, I do forget about her because I am hyper focused on my Mom; I think she understands that.
Renee
May 9th, 2012
8:45 pm
I am a stepmother and consider myself truly blessed. My husband’s ex-wife and I are best friends and we openly and lovingly call ourselves “the mothers”. She and I spent the first couple years of my marriage venting to each other about “our” kids and how we should best handle things that come up. We never had an issue with trying to compete and the best thing is, the true winners are our children. I also have a daughter that my husband adopted after she turned 18 and she is equally blessed by the relationship. She goes to family functions with her (now) half-siblings and is accepted by their family as if she were one of them.
People laugh at us and say we are strange, and that may be so, but it is the best situation ever! I expect for my husband to always love his ex-wife, as she is the mother of “our” children; they are parents together and should always be able to serve in that role. I even jokingly kid her about not “training” him good enough and we always have a great laugh.
I know we have a very special relationship and we always give each other cards on Mother’s Day. One of the first mother’s day we shared, she gave me the movie “Step Mom” and said it was perfect for us…that should say it all! I have tons more stories I could share about our almost 10 years of co-mothering, but I’ll stop now.
motherjanegoose
May 9th, 2012
9:36 pm
@ fresh…too funny. I have my own business and work for myself. Thus, I can do as I please when I am not working. You must be new here. I am way past strollers, as my kids are in college. I am at Starbucks once a year…to purchase gift cards for Christmas. I do like the nail salon and am one of the few patrons who pay in cash….money I earned myself. Thanks for the input…it does NOT apply.
KB
May 10th, 2012
11:32 am
Before even reading this article, I bought my kids’ stepmom a little gift for mother’s day. My kids seem to really like her and she is good to my children when they spend time at her house every other weekend. Part of my gift giving is to say thank you, the other part is to let her know I feel kinda sorry for marrying my ex – lol :) All jokes aside, I think its important to at least say thanks and if possible, give a small token of appreciation ESPECIALLY if they are good to your children and you feel safe with her when they are away from you.
Working Mom
May 11th, 2012
8:45 am
I would NEVER tell my “step mother” Happy Mother’s Day! She’s the farthest from a mother and nothing more than my father’s wife. I haven’t spoken to my father in month’s because of her.
jmm
May 11th, 2012
9:27 am
For Mother’s Day we sent my stepmom a beautiful flower arrangement and a card, and will give my mom a piece of jewelry. While my stepmom did not raise me, as I lived with my mom full time, she has always been very supportive of me and my accomplishments. She may not be my real mother, but she loves me as if I am her own, and for that and all of the support she has given me throughout the years I also honor her alongside my mom Mother’s Day.
engelaugen
May 11th, 2012
9:58 am
I guess I’m one of the few that would not trade my “step mother”! Actually, please don’t call her my step mother. She is my mother. Don’t call my birth mother my “real mom”. My mother raised my sister and me from the age of 3. She and my dad added 2 brothers together to the family. My mom loved and sacrificed for all 4 of us in the same ways. I have no memories of my birth mother and she was never involved in our lives. When I would ask questins about her, my parents answered honestly, but without running her through the mud. I was curious about her, but that was it. She had a lot of issues, but my parents never once talked bad about her. They even said once my sister and I turned 18, they would find her for us if we wanted them to. I really had no interest. My sister, however, did and went on a trek on her own to find her. 17 years ago she found her. She also found out she is still as messed up with drugs, alcohol, etc as what we were told she was married to my dad. Now my sister regrets ever finding her, but for some reason feels obligated to take care of her (and be used by her). I am cordial and nice to her, but she is not a part of my life. All Mother’s Day honors go to my mother who raised me. She is the one that deserves it!
engelaugen
May 11th, 2012
9:59 am
@ KB, you sound like a wise and caring person! :-)
Mama L
May 11th, 2012
10:01 am
After not ever wanting children of my own, I find myself the stepmom to a beautiful 3.5 yo boy whose life I have been in since he was days old (they divorced during the pregnancy). I love this child as my own. I have shared in the late night wake ups, the diaper changing, the feedings, the potty training, all of it, ups & downs. That said, I do I know he will always have a strong, unbreakable bond with his bio Mom and I respect that. He calls her Mommy and me Mama L. I consider myself the “Bonus Mom”. He gets bonus love, bonus attention, bonus pride in his accomplishments. His Father recognizes me on Mother’s Day for the both of them. The first year, I was surprised because I certainly didn’t expect anything (and still don’t) but his Father is adamant that I receive a card, one from him & one “from my stepson”, as a way of showing his son how to treat me, how to treat the women in his life (both of us), how to recognize the little things as well as the big ones, etc. As he gets older, if my stepson chooses to continue to recognize me on his own, it will be up to him and I won’t have hard feelings if he decides not to. He has brought me immense joy and has given me a perspective on life that I never would have had without him in it. He has opened my heart and changed me for the better. That is and will always be enough for me.
engelaugen
May 11th, 2012
10:04 am
Oops! I made it sound like my sister and I are twins! We are not, I was 3 and she was 2 when my mom married my dad. She took on two toddlers at 19 years old! She and my dad had dated off and on during Jr High and High School. When he took the hard knocks of life because of decisions he made, he knew who would be the right person with thick enough skin and strong enough backbone to help him and his girls recover from all they’d gone through and stick with us through the rest of life. We would always have a good laugh when people would say how much my sister looked like my mom. ;-)
engelaugen
May 11th, 2012
10:06 am
@ Mama L, sounds like you married a good man!
JLS
May 11th, 2012
10:07 am
As a mother and step-mother to 2 (that visit often), I have never felt shafted. Before I had my daughter, my husband made sure that he honored me for helping him with his children. My step-children give me gifts, send text messages and/or call on special occassions. My step-daughter is 14 and she is calling/texting more, now than ever. My step-son is only 7 and could careless about talking on the phone, but he will call me if he wants to talk to his 2 yr old sister. My step-children have different moms and we get along pretty good, they call/text me before they call/text my husband. My step-daughter has 2 older sisters that I care about as well, when she comes over they are allowed to come. I included all of them in our wedding and they really appreciated it. I know that I’m not their biological mother, but they treat me like I’m their mother. They make sure they introduce me to their friends. I support them by attending events, even when I’m being looked and starred at by their mothers friends and families. I feel like I”m a great step-mom!!!!
Hard Working Stepmom
May 12th, 2012
6:35 pm
I am a full-time stepmom. My husband has custody of his two tween girls and I have been raising them for about five years. The girls always spend Mother’s Day with their mom and I don’t mind – it’s just how the parenting time schedule goes in our county. They gave me handwritten cards before they left for the weekend. I always take my own mom out – and my husband and I have a nice adult weekend – no chicken nuggets! I know who I am to them regardless if we spend Sunday together or not! Biology is not the only thing that makes a mother!
Josie
May 14th, 2012
5:21 pm
I could see being hurt if you are a step-mom who lives with the skids and have taken on a Mom type role.Or even an every other weekend warrior who really makes effort to do for the skids and embraces them,attends their functions,games,etc.Especially if the biological Mother has abandoned her role with her kids or is too busy or indifferent to fulfill the role and step-mom steps up.
I believe that’s when her husband should step up and do something to thank his wife for taking on that role and encourage his children to at least take a moment and thank the step-mom for all she does even if it’s the day before or weekend bf Mother’s Day to cut down on conflict but at least acknowledge the step-mom.
For those who don’t live with the skids,have a Mom type role with them or didn’t marry until after the children were grown?I don’t really see why it would be necessary.I was wished a happy Mother’s day by one of my husbands grown children a couple times through my husband and although I realize it was well intentioned?I found it awkward and uncomfortable because I didn’t have a hand in raising them nor have ever lived with them.I’m not close to them for various reasons.
I also found it odd I was wished a happy Mother’s Day but have never been wished a happy birthday from them or through my husband(yes,I have wished them happy birthdays).I would be more comfortable with that than Mother’s Day and thankfully didn’t have to deal with that this year except from my own children.I know some women may feel different but I don’t expect nor want it under the circumstances. No offense to my husband’s children.They have a Mom.