A Dad needs our advice: Another family is taking advantage, but Dad knows they need help
A dad sent me a note needing some advice. Here’s what he wrote:
“I am a part-time stay-at-home Dad. I have an only son who is in the second grade. I am going through a situation where there is another family in the neighborhood that wants me and my son to entertain their son on the weekends. I feel for the family as they have two additional children, one who is an infant and one who has special needs.”
“From my perspective, they seem overwhelmed with child rearing duties – (I know I would be if I were in their situation). I feel bad for the boy as he seems to be grasping for attention. In the beginning I wanted to help them out but now I feel like I am just being used.
“This last weekend was a four-day winter break and I had the boy for two hours on Friday morning because we were doing a club activity, then I had him for four hours on Saturday because the Mom needed a break.”
“The kicker for me was yesterday I received a text from the father asking if my son wanted to do something with their son and I was like “Yes!” Finally a reciprocation! Only to find out that they wanted me to come over and pick up the son and watch him for a few hours. The father wasn’t even home! The mother wanted a break from all three kids again so she told her husband to contact me. I was so pissed that I texted him back and told him I had a change of plans and couldn’t meet. I couldn’t even tell my wife about the latest situation because she feels they are using us.”
“My usual deal is to distance myself from someone like that but, I actually want to confront this family and tell them to quit taking and start giving. The problem with that is that I feel bad for them and then I think I’m selfish for not wanting to help them out.”
I completely agree that the family seems to be overwhelmed, but I also think they are taking advantage of the dad. I personally don’t think I would confront the parents. I’m pretty sure they are aware they are taking advantage and they just don’t mind. I don’t think the dad can ever expect them to reciprocate. They simply don’t have the resources.
I think I would take the boy as much as I could. It truly is helping the child and giving him something that he needs (attention and time) — not just giving the mom relief. I think I would try to view it as helping the child and not as helping the parents and that might make the dad feel less resentful toward the family.
So what do you think this dad should do?
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65 comments Add your comment
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February 23rd, 2012
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djm_NC
February 23rd, 2012
7:26 am
i have been in this situation and i have always taken the child as much as possible…unless the child was a problem. i have developed many ‘other kid’ relationships..as in the kids me call me their ‘other mom’ and i call them my ‘other’ kid…i think we need to give every kid we are able to al the love we can-sometimes it can make huge difference in how that child turns out as an adult.
i also wouldnt want my child spending time at their homes—if the parent dont have the extra time or energy for their own child they sure wont have it for mine. all my kids are grown and adults now….and the kids i ‘took in’ are all still very close to me and often tell me how much my love has meant to them in their lives.
we all have to do what our heart tells us to do.
Marcellus Wallace
February 23rd, 2012
7:32 am
I can send over a couple of pipe hitting home boys to get medieval on their rear ends with a blow torch and a pair of pliers……It’s no problem really.
Jew on Jew crime
February 23rd, 2012
7:44 am
It happens you know.
Shmi Skywalker
February 23rd, 2012
7:53 am
I’ve always told my son Anakin that one of the greatest problems in this world is that no one helps anyone anymore.
That idealism actually backfired on me when a Jedi knight and group of outlanders came into our home to seek shelter from a sand storm. Anakin offered to race in a very dangerous pod race and I really did not want him to do it but he told me he wanted to help these outlanders with them money he would win if he won the race and so I relented and allowed him to help them.
He won that pod race and then the Jedi knight took my little boy to Coruscant so that he too could train to become a Jedi knight.
Maybe the dad’s little boy could become a Jedi knight too someday.
Miss Priss!
February 23rd, 2012
8:06 am
Don’t do it. It’s the tip of a life-sucking iceberg. There are a number of ways to show them some humanity, but not this way. Politely say no, and don’t feel pressured to explain yourself.
Anyway … hey! … whatever happened to Willis the Guard and Gary McKee!
motherjanegoose
February 23rd, 2012
8:13 am
When my son was three, we had moved into a new house. There was a lovely family across the street with a three year old little girl and a baby. I came home from teaching Kinder and the little girl was on our porch, ringing our door bell. “My Mom said I could come over to play!” I was trying to be kind, so I let her in. She followed me around the house and talked to me for over any hour. I encouraged her to visit with my son ( as I had been visiting with children all day long and needed to get dinner started). She did not really want to play with any of the “boy toys” he enjoyed but preferred my company. They were a nice family and the Mom was a stay at home Mom. I walked her back home and told the Mom that I needed some quiet, as I had been with Kinders all day. She did a few things with us, over the years, but they were never close friends as my son had friends from his Preschool.
I never understand people who have children and then want to farm them out. We had two and they exhausted me some days but I mostly enjoyed the time I spent with them. Ours were planned to be 5 years apart and thus I had a bit of time to enjoy each one…both at the beginning and after my son left for college…I had five years with my daughter. This is a fact…a houseful of kids can wear anyone out! A recent client is a single Mom. She had a 4 year old son and told me that he wears her out every weekend. She also mentioned that it is a lot of work be a parent. I asked her if she was around kids much before she had her own. She told me that she had babysat all the time but that did not compare to having a child of your own. It made me smile. She is a nice person and I know she loves her son but having children is a LOT of work!
I would make the boy a coupon book for perhaps 5 hours per week…could be in 1 hour segments or all at once. He can spend 5 hours with the other family when he redeems the coupons. You will need to clarify this with the parents: ” We are all very busy and know it is great for the boys to spend time with one another so I thought this might help us schedule our time. If you want our son to spend 5 hours at your house, that would be great too! ( you may not want him too).”
I admire those who have kids just pop in and out. Many parents fill a void that other parents are not filling or perhaps your house appeals to other kids. Our block has 13 kids in college now and the kids would play outside together and we also hung out at the pool during the summer, so they saw their friends. When mine were small, there were three elementary school buses that picked up kids in our neighborhood of about 200 homes. So we had lots of kids here. We also live 2 miles from our church and there were activities there. My two had friends and my daughter had lots of parties here and in the clubhouse each year: Halloween, Christmas, Birthday and sleep overs but we were never kid central. I took them and their friends all sorts of places and they went on vacations with us but we did not typically have unexpected friends drop in unless we saw them out and invited them over.
It may be that this child needs time somewhere else and if the Dad cuts him off…it would be sad too. No easy answer on this one as there are people who will take advantage of you everywhere.
mom2alex&max
February 23rd, 2012
8:23 am
Dad, do what you can/want and then excuse yourself if/when they call. Tell them you have other plans. Other plans can mean that you have a date with your couch..it is still not a lie. It is obvious they are overwhelmed…but you can’t fix the world.
Things like this end up annoying me. I wanted to have more kids (at least 2 more!) but I KNEW that I just couldn’t handle it financially and emotionally. So I stopped. Why didn’t they?
Augusta
February 23rd, 2012
8:25 am
People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you feel you are being used, then you probably are.
Jesse's Girl
February 23rd, 2012
8:26 am
Do you REALLY want your son at their home…or out with them in public where supervision would be a neccessity? They seem to be having enough of an issue with their own. No way I would place my child in the care of people who are struggling. Your home could be the only respite this kid gets. Be the man you are already being…the bigger one. I think this kid needs your home WAY more than you need to see some reciprocation.
JATL
February 23rd, 2012
8:33 am
Perhaps the “needy” family should have thought about using some birth control instead of having 3 kids -especially after having a special needs child. Sorry, I wouldn’t feel bad about saying “NO” at all! I would invite the little boy over when it was convenient. If they were calling and asking (which is INCREDIBLY rude and presumptuous) then I would have “other plans” or things that needed doing. Maybe they’ll take the hint. They don’t have to quit having anything to do with the boy, but they can keep it to “normal.”
motherjanegoose
February 23rd, 2012
8:36 am
mom2alex&max…LOL with other plans. I have had to realize this, being self employed. When I am not on someone’s payroll, I am allowed to take a nap, read a book, or get my nails done if I want to. Some folks call me and tell me, ” we need this document faxed in the next 4 hours.” Sorry but I will not be home in the next four hours and I do not have a secretary. I have taken calls under an umbrella (at the beach) and lots of times in my pajamas ( as I sit now). When I show up ( on the day we contracted) and work for you, I will work like a dog. If I am on your dime, you will certainly get what you paid for and more!
motherjanegoose
February 23rd, 2012
8:38 am
@JATL…I love kids but hubby and I see families with lots of kids and wonder what in the world they are going to do with the kids start driving and head to college. Our kids have made their own car payments but their insurance can be more than the car payment. HOW DO FOLKS DO IT WITH FOUR KIDS DRIVING?
Augusta
February 23rd, 2012
8:43 am
I don’t know MJG – but I’m in that boat. I have 4 kids. But we are NOT struggling financially. I do NOT look forward to all of them driving, and going to college, but we have been planning for the college costs since the first one was born. We have 529 Plans for all 4 of them, and the grandparents help out with contributions also.
But the driving part just scares me to death…
Soccer Milf
February 23rd, 2012
8:47 am
This dad obviously needs to grow a pair. If someone asked me to watch their kids I would say no problem. Its my nannies problme. Not mine.
A lot of times my husband will help the nanny out and I can get lit. Sometimes my husband and nanny take the kids for an entire weekend! Oh to be 19 and young like our nanny.
Lori
February 23rd, 2012
8:54 am
I get that he’s being used, but I agree with djm_MC. If the child is not a behavior problem, and your son enjoys spending time with him, then why not. Maybe occasionally say you have other plans, but then also occasionally invite the boy over. I also agree with others, that I would not want my child in their house, if the mother obviously can’t handle her own children, then she certainly can’t handle the addition of another. This poor child probably really needs the attention. Why not be a mentor for this child and give him the love and support he probably isn’t getting at home. And your son gets a friend in the process.
homeschooler
February 23rd, 2012
8:54 am
Dad is being way to nice. I suspect he accepts this kid with a smile every time the parents ask so, even if they realize they are taking advantage, they convince themselves “oh, he’s great, he doesn’t mind”. If he wants to talk to them he should light heartedly say. “Hey, ____ seems to be over here a lot lately. We love having him but can’t have him quite so much. How ’bout we set a schedule”. I wouldn’t even talk to them about it. I’d just say yes when I feel like saying yes and no when I don’t. This reminds me a bit of a mom (uh…me) who is always giving and then starts getting angry at those around her when they start expecting. You teach people how to treat you. Dad needs to not give quite so much. And I agree with those who said don’t let your kid go to the other home AND that this child really needs some attention. I know a family EXACTLY like this, down to the special needs child and the infant. OMG the 8 yr old boy is so sweet and well behaved and completely lost in the chaos. Hopefully the anger towards the parents won’t affect the way this dad treats the child. Good Luck!
Ron Burgundy
February 23rd, 2012
8:56 am
Whats the dads name? Ben Dover?
Roberta
February 23rd, 2012
9:02 am
Communication is the key. Unfortunately many people are very poor communicators.
@Soccer MILF – Your schtick was funny for your first 100 or so posts. Now it’s just old. BTW – it should be “nanny’s” – possessive, not “nannies” plural.
Carla
February 23rd, 2012
9:04 am
We had one child because that’s all we can afford. However, for years our house has been THE house where all the kids end up just to hand out. My stepdaughter’s brother often stays when she does because he is almost the same age and my son. I feel like I’m giving him the big family I wanted for him the only way I can. Now, do any of these people offer to watch mine? Only one of them and not often. They do include him in all the fun stuff they do when they can. They took him camping last summer. And his friend is surrounded by girls so I know it is good for him to be around my son too. I see it as a win win for everyone;)
misawa
February 23rd, 2012
9:05 am
My spidey sense tells me something else is going on here at the other house. I’m sure it’s stressful for them, but for a mom to need that much time to herself…? This really does sound like a call for help. As someone else said earlier, if the kid’s not a pain and plays well with his kids, why not? If you legitimately have something else – including “just family” time – then say you’re not available.
Why not try to set a schedule with them – say Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday afternoons?
motherjanegoose
February 23rd, 2012
9:11 am
@ Augusta…we had NO help from the grandparents…the kids hardly get a birthday present from them…$20 from the inlaws and nothing from my Dad. To say that we have done it one our own…would be true. We have always lived at least 400 miles from grandparents and they do not visit. We have always both worked and had jobs. We have 2 children and we have done fine. If we had 4, that would mix things up. Car insurance for our daughter, with no tickets, good grades and a 10 year old car is $800 for 6 months. YES, we have shopped around. We recently switched to a more affordable policy. If you had 4 driving, that could be $3200 for 6 months or $500 plus per month and that does not include the car payment. I am in awe over parents whose children do not work yet are out and about using their parent’s credit cards and driving cars nicer than mine ( a Chevy Malibu). We have 5 cars here and 4 are paid for. We could not have swung payments and insurance on 4 cars.
Jeff
February 23rd, 2012
9:22 am
You have to protect yourself for your own family’s needs.
Having said that. My father never knew his father. One of my lifelong friends didn’t have a dad. My father took extra steps to connect with my friend because he instinctively knew what he was going through and it was his chance to make a difference for someone that he understood.
This dad may be the person that makes a difference in this kid’s life. Do as much as you can reasonably be expected to do, while still making your family the first priority.
Me
February 23rd, 2012
9:25 am
Oh, my gosh — If you aren’t prepared for handling the responsibilities of child rearing then don’t have the offspring. If three is too many then perhaps they should have stopped at two or even fewer.
It isn’t your responsibility to, in essence, take one of the kids off their hands. Sure, it’s potentially overwhelming but no one put them into this situation other than their desire to procreate. And, before you start saying “well, they weren’t expecting a special needs child” they should have known that such as always a possibility. Help them on a few Saturday’s, yes, but not to the point of such becoming your problem.
DB
February 23rd, 2012
9:27 am
@JATL and mom2alex&max: You guys just hit one of my pet peeves: Scolding them now over their birth control and family planning is worse than useless, because the kid is HERE, and the problem isn’t birth control. I just hate it when people say, “Well, they shouldn’t have had kids they can’t handle.” Coulda, shoulda, woulda — IT DOESN’T MATTER. Deal with the problem. Three kids is not exactly a “passle”, y’know? We don’t know about the special needs — maybe it came about after the baby was conceived, etc. And maybe there are other family issues we don’t know about here — ill grandparents, etc.
I think that if I had been the father, I would have been a little more direct with the dad when he texted. Something along the lines of “Great! I really need a break, and I know Johnny would enjoy visiting Jason.” And then, when the father says, “Oh, no, we wanted Jason to come to YOUR house,” Dad has a ready-made excuse: “No, sorry, I’m swamped.”
Unless the kid was a behavior problem, I wouldn’t have minded, because the kids would entertain each other, and if I got tired of him or they started squabbling, I’d send him home :-) Dad just needs to be a little clearer and firmer about boundaries, and not feel bad about saying “no” occasionally. He’s wanting to “fix” the problem by making them “realize” the error of their ways, but they already KNOW they are taking advantage. You can’t be taken advantage of without your permission. .It is perfectly ok to say, “I’m sorry, this isn’t a good afternoon for us, either.”
sOC
February 23rd, 2012
9:34 am
Enter your comments here
Denise
February 23rd, 2012
9:43 am
Giving the mom ‘time to herself” is not a good enough reason to ship her kid somewhere else on a regular basis. I understand her stresses but what parent doesn’t stress and want time alone? On the other hand, if the kid is well-behaved and fun to have around for the kids, I don’t see anything wrong with having him around sometimes. I think the family needs another “go-to” family so they don’t burn out this dad and then have no one who will help. (I say this because I am easily taken advantage of and when I finally get sick of it, I totally cut the person off. I’m just done. Don’t ask me for jack else. It’s mean, I know, but I go from 100% to 0% – I haven’t figured out 50% yet in some situations, like loaning money or letting people live with me because they have nowhere to go. When it comes to babysitting, I do a better job of making it “sometimes” or “very infrequently” because I don’t mind spending a little time near bed time with my little friends.)
Travis Bickle
February 23rd, 2012
9:58 am
My dad never wanted me. He always pawned me off on suckers in the neighborhood. Thank God for Iris. She kept me warm on some cold nights and gave me something else to think about.
JOD
February 23rd, 2012
10:09 am
I really feel for this kid, and it’s great that Dad takes him on where he can. But feeling taken advantage of will quickly build to resentment, and like Denise said, the Dad will probably blow up and/or cut them off. Setting boundaries is reasonable and wise in this situation – invite the boy over when you and your child want him there and nix what you choose (the inappropriate, last minute, or annoying requests).
Assuming the Mom is a SAHM, then why does she need a break so much? 6 hours over 2 days on the weekend is a bit much.
Lori
February 23rd, 2012
10:15 am
Where did the article say the mom is getting “mom-time”. It just said a break. She is just getting a break from the oldest kid, she still has 2 others, including an infant. And what is with all the talk about scolding her for birth control? The infant is the one with special needs. They were probably fine until that happened, and you certainly can’t expect her to have known her child would be born different. I agree she shouldn’t be abusing the neighbors kindness, but we shouldn’t be so judgmental, since we don’t know the whole situation including what exact special needs her youngest son has. I hope that things will improve for her as her special needs infant gets older. This dad should keep helping the oldest son as much as he can without infringing on his own family. Things may setting down on their own as her baby gets older.
Scratch n Sniff
February 23rd, 2012
10:25 am
Anyone try Bell’s Hop Slam? That beer is awesome!
On a related question…..Is this other mom attractive?
motherjanegoose
February 23rd, 2012
10:32 am
@ DB…kids are a LOT of work. We both know this. Some folks realize this and some do not. Once they are here, there is not much you can do with the fact that they will interrupt your day: but step up to the plate and be a parent ( since that is the sidewalk you chose) . Some folks do not want to be parents but it is a bit too late once they are here.
This is why my two have spent time with small children, working in summer camps and such. They know how demanding they are and they also came home with stories of how cute they were. Mine are both good with kids and also pets. My daughter totally housebroken our schnauzer and has trained her in a lot of ways. I do not take credit for it. She knows how much is involved with a cute puppy at home.
At 13, I babysat for a family with four children. They were friends of my parents. RIGHT THEN I knew I would not want 4 children at my house 24/7 and I stuck with it. I love kids! I can be with 100 children alone for 45 minutes but then I can go home.
I admit that I have been walked all over. Since I turned 40 my motto has now been:
“If you ask me to volunteer to do something that will make me mad or frustrated BUT you will be mad or frustrated if I do not volunteer to do it…guess who is going to be mad…not me!”
I volunteer to do lots of different things that I do not mind doing but have learned to say NO to the ones that get my dander up or cause me grief.
I WILL do lots of things ( I don’t like to do) if I am being paid handsomely or if someone has done a major favor for me. I am happy to help others who are willing to help me in return.
A
February 23rd, 2012
10:32 am
Anyone with a heart will feel sorry for the kid that’s being shoved at this dad and his son, but it doesn’t change the fact that this other family is taking advantage of him big time. BTW, it’s not the infant that’s special needs but the 3rd child, whose age we don’t know. I only have one kid so can’t even imagine what this mom of 3 is going through, but the dad who wrote in needs to put his foot down gently and say they are busy, unavailable, etc. Obviously they can invite the kid over as it suits them, but again it should be at their convenience and not only when the other mom can’t handle it. And this mom needs some sort of emotional support and possibly help around the house. I’m sure there are agencies that can offer some sort of guidance for families with special needs kids.
Jerry Sandusky
February 23rd, 2012
10:34 am
I knw a way to make sure you don’t have to take care of any kids.
JOD
February 23rd, 2012
10:36 am
@MJG – I like your philosophy :o)
Lent
February 23rd, 2012
10:45 am
@ MJG……I thought you were giving up posting here for lent? At least posting in 25 words or less.
HB
February 23rd, 2012
10:55 am
I think the dad needs to try to not be angry about this family’s actions and instead look at his own. He says they’re overwhelmed, but he is tired of their taking and never giving. I think they are probably exhausted and have nothing left to give right now (they may be great about reciprocating when the baby’s a bit older or they may be chronic moochers — only time will tell). They need help and understandably are asking for it (sounds like he may have offered at first and they accepted) — Dad needs to stop blaming them for asking and address his own inability to say no instead. He should help out when he and his son are able and willing and politely decline when they’re not. The urge to confront them and make them understand that they were wrong for asking for and accepting as much help as they could get, honestly, is a bit childish. You can’t “fix” others behavior, only your own. Learn to establish boundaries and say no.
Denise
February 23rd, 2012
10:59 am
@Lori, it does say that the Mom needed a break from all 3 kids so she told the husband to call this Dad.
I understand that. Hell, I need a break from PEOPLE in general and will shut down…no communication! Don’t call don’t write!!! But I can do that. I have no one depending on me.
I have a question though. If she is MARRIED, why is her husband not spending the time with this kid? Why do THEY ship him off to another family?
K's Mom
February 23rd, 2012
11:02 am
When you decide to have kids, you roll the dice and you had better be prepared for whatever you get. I was on bedrest for 7 months during my first pregnancy. We really wanted another child and we had to come up with a plan for my 20 month old should I end up on bedrest during my second pregnancy (thank goodness that did not happen). If we had not felt comfortable with the fact that K was going to be taken care of, baby #2 would not be on his way. All of that being said, the father/poster should not be held hostage for other people’s poor planning! I get that he feels for the boy and wants to help,but if he begins to resent it that will lead to additional issues. I think, like others have said, he needs to set clear boundaries and feel free to say no.
I will also add that this trend of moms “needing a break” frustrates me. I do not get many breaks, but that is what I chose when I had kids. Get over yourself and do the job that you chose to do when you got pregnant. And please, invest in a TV for your bedrrom, tubal ligation, vasectomy or birth control pills before you bring kids into the world that you cannot take care of.
motherjanegoose
February 23rd, 2012
11:11 am
@Lent…someone else must have mentioned that yesterday it was not me. I do not give things up for Lent and my posts are rarely under 25 words…hint count this one.
Lent
February 23rd, 2012
11:23 am
Captain Clarence Oveur
February 22nd, 2012
7:23 pm
I’m hoping MJG gives up posting here for lent.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It was someone else
MomOf2Girls
February 23rd, 2012
11:24 am
Having a special needs child can be draining, and I can relate to this mother’s need for respite. We were desperate for it when we only had the child with special needs (my older). However, depending on one person for relief is a bad idea.
Are there other families around who could help as well? What about other friends of this boy? I think if I were the father, I would call around to other friends / classmates and see if anyone else can step in. Then when the family calls, rather than a flat out no, he could say “I can’t today, but try calling so-and-so.” Then he won’t feel so guilty because he’s trying to provide an alternate solution, and hopefully this will generate a network of support instead of just him.
jmb
February 23rd, 2012
11:30 am
Milf – As far as growing a pair – that’s is so weak. If they want to be tuff then they need to grow a vagina cause those things take a beating (Betty White). And Ron, Ben Dover is a real estate agent in Monticello lol. True, he listed our house.
Kate
February 23rd, 2012
11:51 am
This story is nothing new. I remember my MIL telling me about her days of being a young, stay at home mom in the 1970s. She made the mistake of befriending a fellow mom in her neighborhood and before you know it this women is dropping off all three of her kids on MIL’s doorstop pretty much everyday just so she could have some “me” time. My MIL was about 25 at the time with a new baby to take care of! Unfortunately, this is a problem that plagues stay at home parents. Regardless of the number of children or the “special needs” involved, there will always be people out there looking for unsuspecting victims to farm their kids out to under the guise of being “overwhelmed”. Heads up: their not overwhelmed, they’re disinterested. Sure, try to be nice to the poor kid involved every now and then, but that’s at far as it should go. There is no need for a responsible parent to feel guilty about the fact that they are too busy caring for their own home and family to take care of someone else’s.
Kate
February 23rd, 2012
11:52 am
Doorstep, not doorstop.
A
February 23rd, 2012
12:47 pm
It’s not just the stay-at-home moms and dads that get this. I work from home and I know when my child was younger (preschool age) people thought we could watch their kid too. But I had one kid for a reason…I don’t generally love children and don’t like being around a lot of them…so I think people got that message pretty quickly. Now that the kid is older, I don’t mind friends coming over since they do their own thing anyway and don’t require an adult to supervise.
K's mom
February 23rd, 2012
12:52 pm
@Kate, you are right! I stay at home for the most part (I am a designer and home stager and do a small project or two a month) and when we decided this was the course we would take I knew it would be exhausting and overwhelming at times. However, the only time I have ever asked a friend to help was for a last minute funeral I needed to attend and for a couple of hours the day after I had surgery last summer, both of these event were outside of normal MMO times and my babysitters were booked. Every other time, I have used Mother’s Morning Out or paid a babysitter. It is expensive to do that, but that is the breaks! I will say that I am fortunate that my husband can work from home some and I can shedule work appointments while my son naps, so both of us can work.
ANother thing this father should do is collect some pamphlets on Drop In nurseries and Mother’s Morning Out programs in his area and give them to these parents-that is a not so subtle hint. Yes, you have to pay, but they are great and kids have many other kids to play with.
Jack Mehoff
February 23rd, 2012
1:16 pm
Sounds like a sticky situation!
FCM
February 23rd, 2012
1:51 pm
@mom2 LOVE IT.
I even tell my kids sorry I have plans. When the kids ask what are they? I say it doesn’t matter! If my plan is to sit and look at a wall all day it is still MY PLAN.
Denise
February 23rd, 2012
2:29 pm
@Momof2Girls – Why should he have to make contacts/other options for this family? They should be doing this for themselves. I wouldn’t do it. I understand your point, though, as he would really be doing this for his own sanity…except that he can control what goes on in his house. Another thing that FCM made me think of – his son doesn’t need to have friends over every day either. The dad may have planed to pick his nose all day and having to entertain his own kid may be outside of what he planned to do for the day.
Just Dianne
February 23rd, 2012
3:18 pm
Speaking from personal experience, I remember 2 moms that tried to take advantage of me while my daughter (an only child) was in elementary school. Both of these women acted like they were doing me a great big favor by letting me watch their daughters often. However, both of these girls had “issues” and even though my heart went out to them both I had to protect my daughter first and
foremost.
Denise
February 23rd, 2012
3:23 pm
Just Dianne – I got the “don’t you want a chance to come spend time with the kids while baby daddy and I go to the movies?” *blank stare* Number 1 – no. I enjoy spending time with YOUR kids when YOU are around. (These particular kids are too “active”.) Number 2 – No. I’m not coming to your house so you can go to a 10PM show. I DO like to spend MY NIGHTS at my own house or wherever else and don’t want to drive home in the middle of the night. Number 3 – No. I’m not on call. If you ask me in advance I may consider it but don’t ever call me – EVER – with some few hours notice as if I am waiting on you to give me something to do with my time. You are NOT doing me a favor.
jmb
February 23rd, 2012
3:29 pm
If I could only count the number of time parents have dropped their children off at our house and not came back. Living on a lake may have some advantages but it also has a lot of disadvantages like any other place. When my girls were growing up, I would come home from work to a new kid quite often. They would stay for the entire weekend and if it was a school break week, they would be there until the end. A lot of times I never even met the parents and would have to ask the child if they had called their mom or dad lately. Most said no. It meant when eating out feeding two extra mouths (both girls had someone over) and if grilling steaks, two extra steaks or extra expenses if we took them anywhere. Most or all of the kids never brought a dime or if they did, they didn’t spend their money. We felt used quite a bit personally & finacially but thankfully, those days are behind us. And there were a few of these kids that were quite mischevious. So much that I had them call their parents to pick them up or we took them home ourself. I was always amazed that parents left them like that for so long and without even meeting us.
A
February 23rd, 2012
3:34 pm
@jmb, that actually doesn’t surprise me. Thankfully I haven’t had that experience, but it does seem parents are very quick to “unload” their kids at the first opportunity, which is something I will never understand. We all need our alone time or be able to go out with our SO and have a sitter stay with our kid(s), but just dumping your kid on another family is really inconsiderate not to mention what that must do to the dumped kid’s self-esteem.
Peter Percival's Pet Pig Porky
February 23rd, 2012
3:57 pm
1. I didn’t realize this was such a problem and so much tackiness occurred but thankfully I’m a little bit wiser from reading all the posters’ stories here
2. The stay-at-home dad should definitely say “sorry can’t help you” to the other family. After all, if someone else’s kid is in his home, that is that much less time he could spend looking at internet p0rn. And that would be a shame. ;P
JOD
February 23rd, 2012
4:00 pm
@jmb – Whaaat? Wow, I guess I learn something new every day. I would never drop DD off without meeting the people she would be with. Lucky for them you and your family are nice people and not the Manson family!
Denise
February 23rd, 2012
5:14 pm
@JOD – I do Big Brothers Big Sisters and my Little was spending the night while I was laid up after knee surgery. She wanted to bring her 3 year old friend too. First – no, my house is child friendly. Not to mention I don’t want an active 3 year old running around when I can barely walk much less chase. But secondly – I don’t know this child and the child NOR HER MAMA knows me. She was going to let her THREE YEAR OLD spend the night with a perfect stranger just because a nine-year-old was there. For real? Heck no! I could be a crazy but she was going to let her BABY come to my house just because she wanted to go out that night. Pathetic. (Another question – why is a 9-year-old babysitting your 3 year old?)
djm_NC
February 23rd, 2012
7:44 pm
since i moved to town (off of the mountain i lived on for 25 years) i really miss my ‘other’ kids. i see them often…but they cant just drop by like they used to. they always tell me how much it meant to them that they knew they had a ‘happy’ place to go when things got rough at home. there is nothing in the world i would trade for that. i never felt taken advantage of. i felt blessed that i was able to give these kids the love they needed and obviously, for whatever reason, werent getting from home.
now i have lost 7 1/2 pounds since i moved. not trying-no dieting or anything. for a minute i got kind of nervous because you know unusual weight loss can be a warning sign of many medical issues. my daughter and i realized that its because i am not cooking for a herd of hungry kids anymore!!! so im not eating as much lol…just thought id share-i think its funny lol
RealityMom
February 23rd, 2012
9:30 pm
I have been that family. When we lived in a hotel, I took my on to a “friends” house every morning so she could put him n the bus. I paid her because it was les expensive than day care. take care of your own!!
The "Dad"
February 24th, 2012
9:36 am
I appreciate all of the candid replies and it has allowed me to see the situation from many angles. Thanks for running this Theresa!
catlady
February 24th, 2012
10:05 am
There are a lot of kind folks out there, judging from this blog. I have never been one to take on another family’s children, however. As a teacher, I have dealt with many of the children of adults who were “overwhelmed” or whatever word they chose to believe. I have been an advocate for these children. Many, many children are unwanted and unloved, uncared for and unnourished by their parents. It makes for sad/angry kids. HOWEVER, while I am their advocate at school, I AM NOT THEIR SITTER during my family time. Perhaps if I were not a teacher, single parent, parent of an injured child, etc. etc. I might feel differently. If the father wants to help a child, join Big Brothers or mentor a child through church.
Once I told a mother who had farmed out the day to day care of her five year old daughter to the girl’s grandmother how TRULY SAD her little girl was. The girl never smiled. The mother put aside her selfish ways, and took her daughter back home. The girl became a different child. She is now married, with a child of her own that she cherishes.
Another time, I talked to the mother of a fifth grade girl about how much her daughter missed/needed her. The mother was “working two jobs” to make ends meet. When I told the mother this, she promised to spend more time with her growing girl. After our meeting, I had the daughter walk her mother back to the office. The little girl came back just glowing. Her mother had told her she would take her that evening on a date with her boyfriend–the “second job” she was “working!” I was just sick.
I don’t think the father should take the child any more than he wants to, knowing that the time he is giving the kid is valuable but it isn’t the same as a parent’s love and attention. He has his own child to take care of. And, anytime the parent asks, he should DEFINATELY NOT take the boy–no sense rewarding inappropriate behavior on the parents’ side. Break them of that habit! He might also mention that the state provides respite care for those with handicapped children, BUT NOT EVERY DAY, AND NOT SO THE MOTHER or father CAN BE INDULGED. The mother may be depressed, who knows, but it is not up to this father to determine that.
As a side note, I have seen it happen that a young person be abandoned to the care of another child’s parent (sometimes for days or weeks) and then it blows up in the caring person’s face when the young person accuses them of something improper. A wise person does not “help” so much that they get themselves in legal trouble!
This dad should be aware of the possible pitfalls of his help.
Kawla
February 24th, 2012
11:45 am
If I want another child at my house, I will call and offer to have them- if I didn’t then it probably isn’t in my plans for the day. My rule of thumb is the person initiating the request for a ‘playdate’ is the one who is offering to host, unless we have an understanding otherwise. I never call anyone asking if my child can stay at their house (unless perhaps it was an emergency) , as I assume others feel the same way.
We do have a few friends like the family in the blog, but they generally get the idea after I say ‘this isnt a good time’ every time they ask. I do let my kids have friends over often, as I know they enjoy it, but again, it needs to be when I feel like I am up to hosting. I also try and be aware of the fact that I need to plan to host the friend a time or two if my child has gone to their house the last few playdates.
There are also a few kids that I have no problem meeting outside of the house for playdates, but do not have over to my house due to behavior issues.
My house is my ‘retreat’ so I am particular about who/when people (especially other kids) come over!
chappy
February 26th, 2012
5:45 pm
Plus, you do have a son who needs some friends and social time. So, in taking the neighbors, focus on your son’s needs being met through this situation and less on the obvious that the other people aren’t equipped to reciprocate.
Kids will grow fast, the two may or may not remain friends, and if they do, it won’t be a total dad thing, the kids will amuse themselves.
It will pass, both the feeling of obligation and the need for it. You could (should?) end up feeling like you got something out of it as well. Helping people in special needs situations can be a sacrifice, but like you said, what if you were in their shoes with a spare kid who needs attention?
All giving shouldn’t feel like it should be reciprocity. You’ll have some needs one day too that only could be met by help from others. Not a popular thought in the US, but the reality of human life. Sow the seed, one day you’ll be able to reap too. In the meantime, when you absolutely cannot watch the kid, free your self to say no sometimes.
chappy
February 26th, 2012
6:10 pm
oh, and…. when the situation differed and a mother with one of those undisciplined children asked… the answer was always no. Can’t. (couldn’t leave me kids the time she called at 6:30 am and needed someone to come get her, she was somewhere, she didn’t know where, under shrubbery, naked.) Lucky she wasn’t dead, but that whole family was a mess and there wasn’t anything I could do for it. Including watching their monstrous little boy. Granted he was only copying his violent father….
Situations differ. Hope you find a balance that suits your family.
jmb
February 27th, 2012
2:55 pm
JOD – It’s always amazed me as well. I’m still friends of a lot of these kids that are now young women and I still have not met their parents lol. I think it worried me more about being on the water and having to work during the day. My girls knew the rules but we all know how they can be influenced with others around. My neighbor keeps a watchful eye on everything and he called me a couple times to let me know they were laying out on the boat which wasn’t even okay with me since all it would take was some horseplay and a kid would end up in the water. We did let them enjoy the lake once we got home and ride around on the jet ski’s but when gas hit $3 a gallon and they went through $50 bucks in less than an hour, that all ended. Sometimes I miss those days now that they’re behind us but it sure has been a lot cheaper :) We even sold the jet skis and bought a camper so now we’re doing a lot more for ourselves.