A Dad needs our advice: Another family is taking advantage, but Dad knows they need help
A dad sent me a note needing some advice. Here’s what he wrote:
“I am a part-time stay-at-home Dad. I have an only son who is in the second grade. I am going through a situation where there is another family in the neighborhood that wants me and my son to entertain their son on the weekends. I feel for the family as they have two additional children, one who is an infant and one who has special needs.”
“From my perspective, they seem overwhelmed with child rearing duties – (I know I would be if I were in their situation). I feel bad for the boy as he seems to be grasping for attention. In the beginning I wanted to help them out but now I feel like I am just being used.
“This last weekend was a four-day winter break and I had the boy for two hours on Friday morning because we were doing a club activity, then I had him for four hours on Saturday because the Mom needed a break.”
“The kicker for me was yesterday I received a text from the father asking if my son wanted to do something with their son and I was like “Yes!” Finally a reciprocation! Only to find out that they wanted me to come over and pick up the son and watch him for a few hours. The father wasn’t even home! The mother wanted a break from all three kids again so she told her husband to contact me. I was so pissed that I texted him back and told him I had a change of plans and couldn’t meet. I couldn’t even tell my wife about the latest situation because she feels they are using us.”
“My usual deal is to distance myself from someone like that but, I actually want to confront this family and tell them to quit taking and start giving. The problem with that is that I feel bad for them and then I think I’m selfish for not wanting to help them out.”
I completely agree that the family seems to be overwhelmed, but I also think they are taking advantage of the dad. I personally don’t think I would confront the parents. I’m pretty sure they are aware they are taking advantage and they just don’t mind. I don’t think the dad can ever expect them to reciprocate. They simply don’t have the resources.
I think I would take the boy as much as I could. It truly is helping the child and giving him something that he needs (attention and time) — not just giving the mom relief. I think I would try to view it as helping the child and not as helping the parents and that might make the dad feel less resentful toward the family.
So what do you think this dad should do?
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65 comments Add your comment
Just Dianne
February 23rd, 2012
3:18 pm
Speaking from personal experience, I remember 2 moms that tried to take advantage of me while my daughter (an only child) was in elementary school. Both of these women acted like they were doing me a great big favor by letting me watch their daughters often. However, both of these girls had “issues” and even though my heart went out to them both I had to protect my daughter first and
foremost.
Denise
February 23rd, 2012
3:23 pm
Just Dianne – I got the “don’t you want a chance to come spend time with the kids while baby daddy and I go to the movies?” *blank stare* Number 1 – no. I enjoy spending time with YOUR kids when YOU are around. (These particular kids are too “active”.) Number 2 – No. I’m not coming to your house so you can go to a 10PM show. I DO like to spend MY NIGHTS at my own house or wherever else and don’t want to drive home in the middle of the night. Number 3 – No. I’m not on call. If you ask me in advance I may consider it but don’t ever call me – EVER – with some few hours notice as if I am waiting on you to give me something to do with my time. You are NOT doing me a favor.
jmb
February 23rd, 2012
3:29 pm
If I could only count the number of time parents have dropped their children off at our house and not came back. Living on a lake may have some advantages but it also has a lot of disadvantages like any other place. When my girls were growing up, I would come home from work to a new kid quite often. They would stay for the entire weekend and if it was a school break week, they would be there until the end. A lot of times I never even met the parents and would have to ask the child if they had called their mom or dad lately. Most said no. It meant when eating out feeding two extra mouths (both girls had someone over) and if grilling steaks, two extra steaks or extra expenses if we took them anywhere. Most or all of the kids never brought a dime or if they did, they didn’t spend their money. We felt used quite a bit personally & finacially but thankfully, those days are behind us. And there were a few of these kids that were quite mischevious. So much that I had them call their parents to pick them up or we took them home ourself. I was always amazed that parents left them like that for so long and without even meeting us.
A
February 23rd, 2012
3:34 pm
@jmb, that actually doesn’t surprise me. Thankfully I haven’t had that experience, but it does seem parents are very quick to “unload” their kids at the first opportunity, which is something I will never understand. We all need our alone time or be able to go out with our SO and have a sitter stay with our kid(s), but just dumping your kid on another family is really inconsiderate not to mention what that must do to the dumped kid’s self-esteem.
Peter Percival's Pet Pig Porky
February 23rd, 2012
3:57 pm
1. I didn’t realize this was such a problem and so much tackiness occurred but thankfully I’m a little bit wiser from reading all the posters’ stories here
2. The stay-at-home dad should definitely say “sorry can’t help you” to the other family. After all, if someone else’s kid is in his home, that is that much less time he could spend looking at internet p0rn. And that would be a shame. ;P
JOD
February 23rd, 2012
4:00 pm
@jmb – Whaaat? Wow, I guess I learn something new every day. I would never drop DD off without meeting the people she would be with. Lucky for them you and your family are nice people and not the Manson family!
Denise
February 23rd, 2012
5:14 pm
@JOD – I do Big Brothers Big Sisters and my Little was spending the night while I was laid up after knee surgery. She wanted to bring her 3 year old friend too. First – no, my house is child friendly. Not to mention I don’t want an active 3 year old running around when I can barely walk much less chase. But secondly – I don’t know this child and the child NOR HER MAMA knows me. She was going to let her THREE YEAR OLD spend the night with a perfect stranger just because a nine-year-old was there. For real? Heck no! I could be a crazy but she was going to let her BABY come to my house just because she wanted to go out that night. Pathetic. (Another question – why is a 9-year-old babysitting your 3 year old?)
djm_NC
February 23rd, 2012
7:44 pm
since i moved to town (off of the mountain i lived on for 25 years) i really miss my ‘other’ kids. i see them often…but they cant just drop by like they used to. they always tell me how much it meant to them that they knew they had a ‘happy’ place to go when things got rough at home. there is nothing in the world i would trade for that. i never felt taken advantage of. i felt blessed that i was able to give these kids the love they needed and obviously, for whatever reason, werent getting from home.
now i have lost 7 1/2 pounds since i moved. not trying-no dieting or anything. for a minute i got kind of nervous because you know unusual weight loss can be a warning sign of many medical issues. my daughter and i realized that its because i am not cooking for a herd of hungry kids anymore!!! so im not eating as much lol…just thought id share-i think its funny lol
RealityMom
February 23rd, 2012
9:30 pm
I have been that family. When we lived in a hotel, I took my on to a “friends” house every morning so she could put him n the bus. I paid her because it was les expensive than day care. take care of your own!!
The "Dad"
February 24th, 2012
9:36 am
I appreciate all of the candid replies and it has allowed me to see the situation from many angles. Thanks for running this Theresa!
catlady
February 24th, 2012
10:05 am
There are a lot of kind folks out there, judging from this blog. I have never been one to take on another family’s children, however. As a teacher, I have dealt with many of the children of adults who were “overwhelmed” or whatever word they chose to believe. I have been an advocate for these children. Many, many children are unwanted and unloved, uncared for and unnourished by their parents. It makes for sad/angry kids. HOWEVER, while I am their advocate at school, I AM NOT THEIR SITTER during my family time. Perhaps if I were not a teacher, single parent, parent of an injured child, etc. etc. I might feel differently. If the father wants to help a child, join Big Brothers or mentor a child through church.
Once I told a mother who had farmed out the day to day care of her five year old daughter to the girl’s grandmother how TRULY SAD her little girl was. The girl never smiled. The mother put aside her selfish ways, and took her daughter back home. The girl became a different child. She is now married, with a child of her own that she cherishes.
Another time, I talked to the mother of a fifth grade girl about how much her daughter missed/needed her. The mother was “working two jobs” to make ends meet. When I told the mother this, she promised to spend more time with her growing girl. After our meeting, I had the daughter walk her mother back to the office. The little girl came back just glowing. Her mother had told her she would take her that evening on a date with her boyfriend–the “second job” she was “working!” I was just sick.
I don’t think the father should take the child any more than he wants to, knowing that the time he is giving the kid is valuable but it isn’t the same as a parent’s love and attention. He has his own child to take care of. And, anytime the parent asks, he should DEFINATELY NOT take the boy–no sense rewarding inappropriate behavior on the parents’ side. Break them of that habit! He might also mention that the state provides respite care for those with handicapped children, BUT NOT EVERY DAY, AND NOT SO THE MOTHER or father CAN BE INDULGED. The mother may be depressed, who knows, but it is not up to this father to determine that.
As a side note, I have seen it happen that a young person be abandoned to the care of another child’s parent (sometimes for days or weeks) and then it blows up in the caring person’s face when the young person accuses them of something improper. A wise person does not “help” so much that they get themselves in legal trouble!
This dad should be aware of the possible pitfalls of his help.
Kawla
February 24th, 2012
11:45 am
If I want another child at my house, I will call and offer to have them- if I didn’t then it probably isn’t in my plans for the day. My rule of thumb is the person initiating the request for a ‘playdate’ is the one who is offering to host, unless we have an understanding otherwise. I never call anyone asking if my child can stay at their house (unless perhaps it was an emergency) , as I assume others feel the same way.
We do have a few friends like the family in the blog, but they generally get the idea after I say ‘this isnt a good time’ every time they ask. I do let my kids have friends over often, as I know they enjoy it, but again, it needs to be when I feel like I am up to hosting. I also try and be aware of the fact that I need to plan to host the friend a time or two if my child has gone to their house the last few playdates.
There are also a few kids that I have no problem meeting outside of the house for playdates, but do not have over to my house due to behavior issues.
My house is my ‘retreat’ so I am particular about who/when people (especially other kids) come over!
chappy
February 26th, 2012
5:45 pm
Plus, you do have a son who needs some friends and social time. So, in taking the neighbors, focus on your son’s needs being met through this situation and less on the obvious that the other people aren’t equipped to reciprocate.
Kids will grow fast, the two may or may not remain friends, and if they do, it won’t be a total dad thing, the kids will amuse themselves.
It will pass, both the feeling of obligation and the need for it. You could (should?) end up feeling like you got something out of it as well. Helping people in special needs situations can be a sacrifice, but like you said, what if you were in their shoes with a spare kid who needs attention?
All giving shouldn’t feel like it should be reciprocity. You’ll have some needs one day too that only could be met by help from others. Not a popular thought in the US, but the reality of human life. Sow the seed, one day you’ll be able to reap too. In the meantime, when you absolutely cannot watch the kid, free your self to say no sometimes.
chappy
February 26th, 2012
6:10 pm
oh, and…. when the situation differed and a mother with one of those undisciplined children asked… the answer was always no. Can’t. (couldn’t leave me kids the time she called at 6:30 am and needed someone to come get her, she was somewhere, she didn’t know where, under shrubbery, naked.) Lucky she wasn’t dead, but that whole family was a mess and there wasn’t anything I could do for it. Including watching their monstrous little boy. Granted he was only copying his violent father….
Situations differ. Hope you find a balance that suits your family.
jmb
February 27th, 2012
2:55 pm
JOD – It’s always amazed me as well. I’m still friends of a lot of these kids that are now young women and I still have not met their parents lol. I think it worried me more about being on the water and having to work during the day. My girls knew the rules but we all know how they can be influenced with others around. My neighbor keeps a watchful eye on everything and he called me a couple times to let me know they were laying out on the boat which wasn’t even okay with me since all it would take was some horseplay and a kid would end up in the water. We did let them enjoy the lake once we got home and ride around on the jet ski’s but when gas hit $3 a gallon and they went through $50 bucks in less than an hour, that all ended. Sometimes I miss those days now that they’re behind us but it sure has been a lot cheaper :) We even sold the jet skis and bought a camper so now we’re doing a lot more for ourselves.