Is it OK for hubby to lunch with lonely lady friend?

A mom left me a message: She is worried about a potential situation with her husband.

An old friend, who happens to be a woman, called to set up a lunch date. That didn’t trouble the mom particularly but then the woman added that her husband had been away on business and she was lonely. This set off some bells for the mom.

The mom is feeling like this is just a bad situation waiting to happen. One lunch may be OK but she doesn’t really want him seeing her again or the woman leaning on her husband for support.

Should she be concerned? Is this appropriate for the husband to go to lunch with a woman friend? What about an admittedly lonely woman friend? What do you think of this woman’s intentions? If she shouldn’t be worried about lunch what level of interaction should she be worried about? How would you handle this?

52 comments Add your comment

jarvis

February 14th, 2012
12:22 pm

The “I’m lonely” part is a little weird. Who says that when inviting a friend to lunch?

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

February 14th, 2012
12:33 pm

that’s the part that worried her.

jarvis

February 14th, 2012
12:35 pm

Exactly…Here’s what she actually meant.
“I’ve got this itch. It’s in a spot that I can’t reach myself easily. Could you scratch if for me?”

Lisa

February 14th, 2012
12:36 pm

She should trust her instincts.

RJ

February 14th, 2012
1:06 pm

Her husband is a grown man. He should be able to “handle” this himself. Frankly I wouldn’t be worried at all. I trust my husband to make the right decision. If she can’t trust him they have bigger problems than this woman.

jarvis

February 14th, 2012
1:11 pm

@RJ, I don’t think this one is a matter of trust. To me the woman is clearly looking for a little something with the meal.
Whether or not he’d act on her advances seems moot.

I know my wife would not cheat on me, but if someone was overtly hitting on her, I’d prefer that she not be around that person. It’s a little disrespectful.

Peachy

February 14th, 2012
1:11 pm

Trusting your husband is a good big different than trusting this lonely woman. Generally speaking men don’t look into a situation as much as women, so while he most likely thinks it’s just a lunch the mom might be panaroid and/or right about the deeper motivations there. I say the worried mom should talk to her husband about it, let him know how she feels and while she feels that way and let him make the decision about what to do. Who knows, he may just invite her along, cancel it all together or reassure her that nothing would happen.

Or she could just ride the train to crazy town and spy on them during their lunch….

mom2alex&max

February 14th, 2012
1:37 pm

I don’t worry about things like that. If he wants to be with me, he will, and no lonely lady will change his mind. And he doesn’t, he won’t, and me cancelling his lunches isn’t going to change anything.

I try to be the best I can be as a partner. That’s my one and only shield. The rest is up to him and God.

☺☻ Have A Smile!

February 14th, 2012
1:55 pm

I don’t worry about things like that. If he wants to be with me, he will, and no lonely lady will change his mind. And he doesn’t, he won’t, and me cancelling his lunches isn’t going to change anything.

I try to be the best I can be as a partner. That’s my one and only shield. The rest is up to him and God.

You’re an example of a great wife.

+5pts for you!

Unfortunately when I was married she didn’t share your level of maturity and had to go wayyy overboard with the jealousy, be it grabbing the phone out of my hands (it was HER friend calling) or getting violent over photos of my vacation BEFORE we were married. :(

I don’t expect my future wife to “accept everything” but for crying out loud if a woman can’t treat her husband like she trusts him, when there is no real reason to be concerned, she’s not ready to be married.

Hard lesson I learned.

Lynn

February 14th, 2012
2:04 pm

IMO – not appropriate at all. If she is “lonely” let her ask a female friend to lunch. The husband should have said no.

Tonya C.

February 14th, 2012
2:06 pm

No. Heck to the no. As Jarvis pointed out, this woman has other intentions. Why even be put into an uncomfortable situation where he has to make a decision?

jw

February 14th, 2012
2:07 pm

Big Al wins – great post!

Mr. Truth

February 14th, 2012
2:08 pm

Even IF hubby isn’t going to hit that, he will indeed be thinking about it…

and daydreaming about it…

and fantasizing about it…

and showering while fantasizing about it…

Mr. Truth

February 14th, 2012
2:09 pm

Heck,

I don’t even know this “Lonely Lady,” and even * I * am sitting daydreaming about HITTING THAT.

mom2alex&max

February 14th, 2012
2:09 pm

Thank you Smile.

I haven’t made a any new male friends (that are not attached to my married girlfriends) pretty much since I have gotten married; but I do have some old male friends. I’d like to think I won’t be grilled if my best friend from high school (who is a guy) came to town and we wanted to have lunch.

Having said that though…If lonely lady were my friend I would advice her to call some lady friends.

Mr. Truth

February 14th, 2012
2:11 pm

Any man who says who wouldn’t daydream and/or fantasize about hitting that, no matter how loyal and faithful and husband/boyfriend he may be, is lying.

Mostly, he is lying due to the fact that he doesn’t want to see you (i.e. the wife/girlfriend) get all pi$$y and start [verbal usage of the taboo term for a female dog] at him.

Selah.

Mr. Truth

February 14th, 2012
2:12 pm

CORRECTION:

“Any man who says HE wouldn’t daydream and/or fantasize about hitting that….”

Furious Styles

February 14th, 2012
2:17 pm

I have several female friends from college that I’ve kept in touch with, they are like sisters to me and we meet up for brunch/lunch during the work week now and then just to catch up. The I’m lonely thing was a bit weird though.

If one of my female friends mentioned that over the phone, I’d likely just invite them over for a group get together so everyone can catch up. Other than that I don’t see that its a big deal.

Grayson

February 14th, 2012
2:23 pm

She should go to lunch with them and suggest that the girls do things together since she is MARRIED and feeling lonely. You don’t reach out to a married man if you are lonely and not looking for some you know…. You would reach out to other women. I trust my husband deeply but would suggest he not start being there as a crutch for any woman who is married and lonely.

Tig

February 14th, 2012
2:23 pm

Is there a reason that she’s only inviting the friend’s husband and both both the friend and the husband, if she’s lonely?

My husband and I both have friends of the opposite gender that we have known for 10+ years. It’s one thing to talk to the friend when you both just happen to be online at the same time. It’s completely different when you arrange to meet for lunch by yourselves without at least one spouse present. Not that we wouldn’t trust one another, we just don’t feel that it would be appropriate for a one-on-one meet-up, no matter how innocent the intent.

Outside the box

February 14th, 2012
2:31 pm

Even if she is hitting on him, so what? It doesn’t matter where he has lunch as long as he comes home for dinner (figuratively speaking). Or maybe that’s just a male perspective *grin*

shaggy

February 14th, 2012
2:46 pm

It should be OK, as long as it isn’t a naked lunch, or if they start feasting their eyes on one another, or tasting forbidden fruit, and then, there is

shaggy

February 14th, 2012
2:48 pm

…ordering oysters on the half shell for lunch.

Happy Valentines Day!

K's Mom

February 14th, 2012
2:55 pm

I think jarvis and peachy summed this up well. My dad had a female employee in the early 80’s that had some sort of emergency one time and needed my dad’s help. My told my mom he was not excited about going but he did want to make sure she was not in danger. So he and my mom decided he would go and take my 12yo cousin with him. She was apparently quite shocked that he brought company and she never had another “emergency.” So my advice is, send a kid with the husband and the loneliness will likely go away!

Answer = NO

February 14th, 2012
2:56 pm

Its is completely inappropriate for a woman or a man to “have lunch”, “meet up”, “hang out” with the opposite sex as a “one on one outing” when either of them are in a committed relationship or married. It is completely disrespectful to the other partner/spouse for it to even be considered as an option and even more disrespectful that the person doing the “inviting” to even think that a situation like that is OK. If you are a man, call a buddy for a beer, if you are a woman, call your best friend or your momma. Anything more and I’ll call you a trick ass biatch for thinking you can be friends with my man with out wanting to be my friend too. As a lady, its not just the men on the prowl, its women too!! And all a women has to do is offer up her goods and a man is going to say “ok”!

Relationships are about respect for the other and knowing what behavior is acceptable or not. If you dont want your girlfriend or wife going out for a beer with the guys from work on a tuesday then dont even consider asking if it is ok for you to go to lunch with a lady friend – solo….ever.

The pastor at North Point did a series last year titled Guardrails and Andy Stanley hit this subject hard, and I just wish that EVERYONE could hear it and take heed to it!! It rang loud for me and made me apply it to my life and relationship at the time and it is now something I will stand strong for.

Its all about respect for others.

Lori

February 14th, 2012
2:57 pm

It does seem a bit odd to me that she specifically mentioned that her husband was out of town, in addition to being lonely. Sounds like an invitation for trouble. But she should trust her instincts. How did she find out about the lunch date. If her husband told her about it, then she probably has nothing to worry about.

catlady

February 14th, 2012
3:02 pm

Hubby should turn it down–make it the three of them for dinner instead!

Answer = NO

February 14th, 2012
3:08 pm

Lori and Catlady,
I was going to reply that yes, if the hubs brought it to his wife’s attention in the manner of “honey, guess who asked me out for lunch and listen to what she said” then yes, we’d have a totally different discussion with a totally different tone set with suggestions made as a couple on how to politely say “no thank you” or “sure, my wife and I would love to join you for lunch”, etc… BUT if hubs came to me and said btw… I am going to have OR I had lunch with so-so because – then that takes us back to the complete disrespect and inappropriateness of the situation.

Lori

February 14th, 2012
3:15 pm

I think the inappropriateness of the situation is to be determined by the husband and his wife. Can’t really judge the situation without all the facts. For example, my husband and I have a single friend. This friend, a woman, is known for casual relationships with men, yet I feel completely comfortable if my husband has lunch with her without me. Might look strange on the outside, but I know my husband and I know my friend. That said, I’m sure this woman knows her husband, and if she feels weird about it, then that is enough for him to turn down the offer.

CTPAT

February 14th, 2012
3:18 pm

I have lunch with men all of the time because I have several current and former male colleagues and classmates from law school. My husband doesn’t give a lick. I don’t like the context in which the request at issue here came up. I’m lonely. My husband it out of town. That’s all weird, but I would hope that I would feel that my husband could make a good decision on his own.

JATL

February 14th, 2012
3:26 pm

Hmmm -is she not a friend to both of them? If she is -why didn’t she ask the woman to lunch? If she’s just the man’s friend, then the “I’m lonely” thing sets off warning bells to me. It’s weird. My husband and I have friends of the opposite sex and we have lunches with them on our own sometime -or meet for something, etc. However, if someone started talking about being lonely, that would not sit well with me. Maybe the wife should go with her husband. If the woman is truly lonely, then three should not be a crowd!

Mr. Truth

February 14th, 2012
3:35 pm

All it takes is that initial greeting touch on the man’s arm from that lonely lady or perhaps even an “incidental” brush of her breasts against his bicep when they first meet at that restaurant, and I promise the gentleman will NOT be thinking primarily about the food or the conversation while they are at the table.

K's Mom

February 14th, 2012
3:36 pm

My husband has lunch with female coworkers often and I have no issue with that. The “I’m Lonely” part is what makes this weird. I had a dear,dear male friend from college who got married long before I did. I could tell that his wife did not like that we kept in touch so I totally backed off and only spoke to him if he initiated it. That was my being respectful of his marriage. This “friend” is not being respectful and it seems like the husband realizes it and that is why he asked for the wife’s input. The whole situation feels skeevy.

WhiteRabbit

February 14th, 2012
3:39 pm

I think the issue to be concerned with here is that the person leaving the message is identified as and apparently identifies herself primarily as “a mom,” when the matter at hand has to do with her being, one hopes, a proper wife. “The mom” might want to pick up a copy of Cosmo.

Soccer MILF

February 14th, 2012
3:45 pm

My husband would never do that. He does have a lot of friends who are male that he helps on occassion. Bobbi, Traci and Dana are all guys that call at all hours of the day and night needed a friend. My husband is very giving with these guys. I would have to draw the line though if it was a girl, but since my husband met me he is not really interested in girls. :)

☺☻ Have A Smile!

February 14th, 2012
4:02 pm

ts is completely inappropriate for a woman or a man to “have lunch”, “meet up”, “hang out” with the opposite sex as a “one on one outing” when either of them are in a committed relationship or married.

No it isn’t. It depends on the circumstances.

Ease up on the drama, please.

HP

February 14th, 2012
4:08 pm

Danger Will Robinson…danger…danger…danger!

Lady Luck

February 14th, 2012
4:11 pm

There is a reason a lonely women wants the company of another man. Does she not have any female friends around? To me, the man should never put himself into the company of a lonely women. I don’t care how innocent he might think it is, being put in that position is not good for him or his marriage. Besides, why not invite them both. Why just the husband. No, not a good situation.

Gtmom

February 14th, 2012
5:16 pm

No problems on my end. If I started worring about this, my husband could tell me not to eat lunch with guys. I only work with men so I could start to be lonely during lunch time too.. Hehe. I totally trust my husband. He is nothing but goodness. Even if the woman had a crush on my husband, he would tell me and then we would feel sad for her that she doesn’t have our life. My husband’s secretary is very flirtatious with him. She probably has a crush. But I know her and she knows me.. and my husband is so good to me and my boys. He would never mess this up. He has never been with another woman due to religious reasons and I doubt he would start now. He is still religious.

homeschooler

February 14th, 2012
6:14 pm

Never say never. If there is one thing I can say I’m good at is learning from other’s mistakes. I have seen way to many men and woman who started having innocent lunches together and it turned into much more. I would not be comfortable with this. Even without her strange comments. I suppose there are a few men/women who have long term friendships and, if that was the case, I would have to really know the parties involved to make a decision. However, as a general rule, married men and women should not be alone together for such a meeting. It’s called “asking for trouble”. IMO most men and a large number of women would cheat if the opportunity presented itself. Most of the time, people live their lives saying “I’d never cheat, my spouse would never cheat” but how often have those people had access and opportunity and turned it down? Sorry, guess I sound cynical. My husband gets mad when I talk like this. “so you think I’d cheat on you”. Well, yeah, given the right circumstances.
I’m not one bit of a jealous woman. Just realistic. Maybe It’s because I’ve worked with cops and attorneys for so many years but, any time I hear a woman say, “my husband would never cheat on me”, I just shake my head. Never say Never.

Miss Priss!

February 14th, 2012
6:32 pm

Proving once again that women are weird. There are some good moments, but overall they are weird, unpredictable, and needy.

redhousecat

February 14th, 2012
6:34 pm

wow. I don’t know if my husband and I are really weird or simply open minded. I wish such judgments wouldn’t be passed around so “freely”. Really, who is to determine what is moral and ethical in a relationship and what is not? Society? The bible? God forbid the person in your world who is genuinely lonely and in need of a shoulder or simply good conversation. Damn them all to hell. /s/

Mr. Obvious

February 14th, 2012
7:26 pm

Get that lonely woman a “vibratory aid” in the phallic sense and a combo meal (TO GO) from Subway.

She’ll be good then.

Denise

February 14th, 2012
8:33 pm

Not all male-female friendships are shady. Not all male-female meet-ups are shady. I have had this same male best friend since 1994 and his wife just deals with me. She knows that I don’t want him (AT ALL). When I call and she answers, I talk to her. I invite her to my parties. She knows she’s always welcome wherever he’s welcome. (She doesn’t come because he used to date my other best friend and his wife doesn’t feel comfortable around HER. Stupid since she’s married with kids too but whatever.) When my house was broken into, I stayed with them. When I need a man’s opinion or when I need to cry sometimes, I call HIM…and if I need him to come over, he does. Or if he needs to vent, he calls ME. If either of us just wants to go have a beer, we call each other. But I won’t call him with “I’m lonely”. EVER. That’s bull.

Gtmom

February 15th, 2012
6:46 am

Again.. I would be very lonely without my guy friends. I work with over 60 men and I am the only woman. I was the one of two in Grad School class (75 total). I only have guy friends. Luckily, all the guys I work with have understanding wives and have no problem with me being part of the group. I get asked to go with them to get a beer during happy hour. In fact, most of the wives want me to go because I will call them if I think their hubby is getting too intoxicated to drive. Plus, the guys usually tone it down when I go compared to when I don’t go (from what a wife told me). I am very thankful my husband is understanding. I have no problem with him having lunch or happy hour with a lady from his work. He is just a great man. Also, I know that I am always invited to tag along and he is too. We just have separate work lives and I would be bored with his friends from work and he would be bored with my friends. One of my best guy friends would spend most of the weekend with me (NOT nights) to help me out with my boys when my husband was out of town. He was as old as my father and he always wanted to be a father (but was never given the chance) so he really enjoyed the boys. My husband knew was thankful that I had help. This friend passed away recently. My husband was devasted for me. My husband and I always thought this friend probably had a crush on me but it didn’t matter. The friend was a gentleman and wouldn’t have even considered messing up a great marriage.

Gtmom

February 15th, 2012
6:46 am

one of two females in Grad School

RJ

February 15th, 2012
8:10 am

One of my best friends is a guy. He lives in another state. Anytime he comes to Atlanta, which is only once a year, he visits. My husband knows him and we go to lunch alone all the time. I invite my husband but he usually doesn’t want to come. When he was married, he came with his wife. Now that he’s divorced it’s just the two of us. We’ve been friends since we were 15. I would never end that relationship. My husband trusts me, as he should. We have NEVER crossed that line, not even blurred it. When he was going through his divorce, he used my shoulder to lean on. Even though he was in another state, I was there for him. My husband knew everything.

My point is, whatever the woman’s intentions, I would trust my husband. My husband has earned my trust after 20+ years of dating and marriage. He can handle himself. If she can’t trust her husband to say no, they have bigger problems than this woman.

Augusta

February 15th, 2012
8:26 am

I have no problem with hubs meeting an old lady friend for lunch. I’m comfortable enough to say ok.

He has no problems with me meeting an old male friend for lunch. One of my best friends for about 15 years now is a married man. We’ve been friends since before he was married. We just clicked and he has never made any moves on me, he’s like a brother to me. He knows I’m very happily married with 4 kids. He comes over to the house occassionally, sometimes eats dinner with us and will stay and watch a movie with us, and we meet for lunch here and there. My husband has no problems with this.

We are very committed to our marriage, and we constantly put our marriage first.

oneofeach4me

February 15th, 2012
10:31 am

If she is lonely, and called him, she is looking for that male attention. She wants to feel wanted….and by her relaying that she is lonely to him.. she is letting him know EXACTLY what it is she wants. I am not immediately saying that he will be intimate with her, but being that what she wants is male attention, I am pretty sure there will be ego stroking going on. I wonder what her husband would have to say about it himself?

I agree with some other posters here. Make it a group thing, or bring wifey too. She shouldn’t be calling a married man for support while her husband is “out”. IJS

FCM

February 15th, 2012
11:21 am

I go to lunch about once a quarter with a good friend (male who is married–happily). His wife has nothing to worry about. It is exactly what I said…we have lunch. We talk about the kids (his or mine), the office, tv, politics, and pretty much whatever else I talk to my other friends (male/female) about. We are friends.

On the other hand I am not looking to have an itch scratched when I go out.