Hysterical 5-year-old blogs about ‘why mommy blogs are BS’

I am literally banging on my desk laughing this morning while reading a blog I recently discovered entitled “Bedtimes are for Suckers – The Only Blog Written by a Pissed-off 5-year old.”

Five-year-old Lily is tired of her mom writing about her in her blog. Lily doesn’t like that mom is criticizing her pretend restaurant, accusing her of trashing the car and complaining about how hard it is to take care of her. So she’s striking back with a blog of her own. And it is spit-out-your coffee funny!

Lily tells us:

“From what I can tell, the whole “mommy blogging” world is one never-ending b####-fest about how us kids get on your nerves. Did you ever think maybe hanging out with you guys is no picnic either?”

She goes on to give us the top five reason her mom is a pain in the a##. They include:

She’s always messing with my s### (This 5-year-old curses more than I do!): She describes in perfect detail how she has dolls lying on every blanket in the house and her mom comes around and cleans it up. (This sounds so familiar. Lilina loves/hates this game!

She’s a hypocrite – Apparently the 5-year-old has noticed mom sneaking ice cream but handing Lily celery instead of candy.

Other fantastic posts include:

5 Ways to Get your Lazy-A## parents out of bed

My Mom’s S##### review of my pretend restaurant

5 things kids can get away with while mommy works

Also check out Lily’s favorite Web sites on her blogroll. They include DFACS.

Well worth your time to read, this blog has made my day, and I will be bookmarking and visiting over and over again! (I am just bummed I didn’t think of it!)

Tell me what you think? Does the 5-year-old speak the truth about parents?

45 comments Add your comment

JJ

August 30th, 2011
12:09 pm

There is NO way in h3ll a 5 year old wrote this without an adult’s help…..what 5 year old uses the word “acquaintence”…..

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

August 30th, 2011
12:12 pm

Yup JJ your’e right – but it’s still funny.

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

August 30th, 2011
12:16 pm

should say you’re right — I was taking a phone call and typing — not a good combination!!

oneofeach4me

August 30th, 2011
12:24 pm

Darn it. I cannot read it. My job’s network content blocker seems to think it’s a porn cite due to the nature of the name… go figure!

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

August 30th, 2011
12:26 pm

read it at home tonight =- you will be laughing.

JJ

August 30th, 2011
12:30 pm

Jeff

August 30th, 2011
12:48 pm

Kids say the darndest things, as the show used to be called. Funny thing is, I can’t argue with any of the child’s statements. BTW, TWG, don’t put this one on “parents”. She’s specifically referring to mom blogs. HEHE. Still feeling a little nincompoopish, can you tell?

Lisa

August 30th, 2011
12:51 pm

This is the funniest, most unique and innovative humor writing I have read in a long time. And I’ve been a comedian for over 20 years. From the perspective of a 5 year old commenting on parenting and modern day issues… This is sheer brilliance and should be made into a book, a TV series, a cartoon, or all of the above. I spit out my coffee laughing.

oneofeach4me

August 30th, 2011
12:54 pm

Cool JJ Thanks! Gonna read it right now. Will be back in a few with a comment or two.

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

August 30th, 2011
12:57 pm

good help JJ!

Wow...

August 30th, 2011
1:19 pm

…nothing slips by JJ…

oneofeach4me

August 30th, 2011
1:30 pm

@Lisa ~ I would love to see this as a TV series!! Of course the writer would have to adjust for some of the profanity creatively because it’s what makes a lot of this funny.

I do love this one thing she will hate about her mom as a teenager…

6) It’s Your Fault I Have No Self-Discipline!
The saga of the “chore chart” is just one of many examples of how she’s failing me. When she first put the d*$n thing up everything chore I did netted me some awesome stickers. Later I got to cash them in for fabulous prizes like gummy worms. That lasted less than a month–nice way to teach me the virtues of hard work and dedication. I can’t wait to throw that s*#t back in her face when I flunk Algebra.

Concerned

August 30th, 2011
1:34 pm

Extremely disturbing. I sure hope this child does not end up in my class. Her disrespect, and language, would never be tolerated in my classroom.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE MILK

August 30th, 2011
1:35 pm

JJ

Capt. Obvious strikes again!

catlady

August 30th, 2011
1:38 pm

I don’t think it is funny because I see kids who actually talk like this, and feel the power to criticize their parents.

Leigh

August 30th, 2011
1:39 pm

“I hope this child does not end up in my class” HA – don’t worry, I’m guessing you don’t get the gifted children.

Augusta

August 30th, 2011
1:49 pm

I think this is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek and WAS NOT written by a 5 year old…….I believe it is written by an adult, trying to pose as a 5 year old…..5 year olds do not have that volcabulary.

AND if my child spoke to me like this “child” does, she would get used to the taste of soap REAL QUICK!!!!

I have friends who allow their two children, under the age of 10, to use foal language. I think it is totally disgusting to hear sh*t & f*ck out of the mouth of an 9 year old. But the parents talk like sailors, and they feel that they are just words and if you are offended, that is your problem…….Unbelievable…they also do not cut their boy’s hair. It’s down to his waist, and he is 9 years old……AND when it comes to school concerts and everyone has to wear a white shirt with tan pants, this kid will be in a Beatles tee shirt and jeans.

Lisa

August 30th, 2011
1:52 pm

It’s satire. Of course the child is not writing this.

I'm just saying . . .

August 30th, 2011
1:52 pm

Just imagine what she will be like at 10? She is very lucky she is not my kid.

jarvis

August 30th, 2011
1:53 pm

“She is lucky she is not my kid.”
WTF? This so clearly isn’t a kid at all.

sportsmommy74

August 30th, 2011
1:56 pm

Umm, this is pure satire… Who actually allows their kids to talk like this and further more can a five year old, type? C’mon guys! LOL… It was comical…

HB

August 30th, 2011
2:12 pm

Some folks just don’t get satire. A few months back several of my friends on Facebook were outraged that taxpayer dollars were spent on a huge new Planned Parenthood facility that boasted, among other features, a giant water slide in the lobby. To prove their claims, they posted a news article about the center’s grand opening — it was from The Onion.

It goes without saying...

August 30th, 2011
2:13 pm

…yet I am saying it anyway, we have a lot of gullible people on this blog…

Christina

August 30th, 2011
2:34 pm

OMG Catlady, do you ever NOT have a stick in your arse?

Kerri

August 30th, 2011
2:47 pm

My fave new mommy blog (well new to me anyway): http://crappypictures.typepad.com/crappy-pictures/ Much funnier than a “fake” 5 yr old cussing. I understand satire and the idea behind the “bedtimes are for suckers” but the cussing and attitude just aren’t necessary, imo

catlady

August 30th, 2011
2:56 pm

Christina: Probably not. I probably wouldn’t realize it isn’t there.

For those of you who say it is satire. I agree, but there are far too many kids who are allowed to speak to adults and others in such a way, so, like some TV shows, it is hard to find this funny.

JRHD

August 30th, 2011
2:57 pm

Wow, it is unbelievable how incredibly gullible some people are. It is a wonder some of you do not injure yourselves getting out of bed every morning. You are a danger to yourselves and those around you if you believe this was written by a five year old girl.

jarvis

August 30th, 2011
3:20 pm

Kerri, I just read several of the stories on that blog. I didn’t find any humor on there. The 5-year-old smartass on the other hand is very funny. Each to their own I suppose.

English police

August 30th, 2011
3:20 pm

Sign people, c’mon now. Even the 5 year old knows that “Gullible” is not a real word according to Webster’s.

that guy

August 30th, 2011
3:21 pm

I can’t believe anyone would think that’s written by a five-year-old. I also can’t believe anyone would think it is actually funny.

JATL

August 30th, 2011
3:24 pm

Folks -this is supposed to be funny and of course a five year old isn’t actually the author! Are some of you seriously this humorless and/or dim? Relax! Your world must be pretty grey.

Karly

August 30th, 2011
3:28 pm

some of you should probably read this post on the site …not only hilarious but I have a feeling some of you need to grow up a bit…

Preventing Temper Tantrums in Parents
http://bedtimesareforsuckers.com/2010/11/03/preventing-temper-tantrums-in-parents/

Hey, English police...

August 30th, 2011
3:56 pm

…nice try…

Erica

August 30th, 2011
3:57 pm

Theresa…I have not laughed this hard in a while. This blog is hilarious! I especially liked the post discussing why turning 5 kicks “you know what”. As the mom to a 5 year old precosious and sweet little girl, I will definitely be following this blog! Thanks for sharing!

cobb mom of 4

August 30th, 2011
4:06 pm

Too funny…..wish I could let my 7 year old girls read this, but alas they don’t need any ideas.

Jake

August 30th, 2011
4:27 pm

Julia

August 30th, 2011
4:41 pm

sorry there is no way a 5 year old wrote that…

MountainDawg

August 30th, 2011
4:47 pm

That kinda sass is nothing a bar of soap & a razor strap (behind the wood shed) can’t take care of. That’s what we got growing up & we sure enough showed respect for our folks (& all adults).

thewindwhistler

August 30th, 2011
5:43 pm

I agree, there is no way a 5 year old wrote that stuff. Now, let us say for a moment that she did. THen she is the boss in the house and mommy is the” whinnnning child”. Some parents simply cannot take responsibility so the child takes it. Not very good.

WTF people?

August 30th, 2011
6:01 pm

you women are silly.. obviously this isn’t written by a 5-year-old… I have a 5 year old boy who can spell dog and cat pretty well.
I found the author via the links in her post…

http://www.momlogic.com/bloggers/momstrosity/stories/
Andrea Levin, started her career as a stand-up comic appearing on many now defunct cable shows. Later she was a staff writer for “The Ellen DeGeneres Show.” Motherhood lead her to momlogic.com. She has a three-year-old daughter named Lily. Lily wrote this bio.

  

August 31st, 2011
8:51 am

DB

August 31st, 2011
10:35 am

I laughed, too — you have to take it in the spirit in which it is meant. I especially loved the crack about being offered celery while her mom sneaks Haagen-Das and then complains about her jeans fitting, as though childbirth was the problem :-)

I also agree with other posters — I do not find foul language in children to be cute or adorable.

FCM

August 31st, 2011
12:23 pm

My personal favorite:
5) She knows NOTHING about fashion.
I know what I like. One thing I don’t like is having a 40-plus-year-old woman trying to tell me what looks cool. I could care less if she doesn’t think a polka-dot shirt with striped pants, topped off with a bathing suit and a tiara, “goes together.” I don’t see her taking home any fashion awards with her mom jeans and hair in a “time-saving” ponytail. Sheesh. I’m embarrassed every time she picks me up from preschool.

ha

September 1st, 2011
2:55 pm

Fart lighting is so much more entertaining than this page.

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