Do you tell on a kid when he/she is at your house?
A mom gave me this question but didn’t want to share details to avoid being identified.
She wants to know when you have a kid visiting your house and he/she does something fairly wrong, do you tell the parents when they come to get the kid?
Do you just tell the kid(s) to stop and the incident ends there or do you alert their parents as to what went on?
Give some examples of when you would tell the parents and when you would just correct the behavior and leave it at that.
Would you want to know as a parent or just let them correct the child and don’t embarrass you by telling you what went down?
– Theresa Walsh Giarrusso, ajc.com Momania. I have increased my Twitter activity. I am sending out great stories for moms each day focusing on health, fitness, sex, entertainment, food, travel and obviously parenting! So follow me on Twitter at @AJCMOMania!)
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27 comments Add your comment
jarvis
May 17th, 2011
10:04 am
Yes to anything dangerous in a small child. He put something over his face (like a bag) or something around his neck…that sort of thing.
A pattern of dishonesty in an older child. Devious lying or theft….I’d have to tell the parent. Gotta nix that stuff at home before it gets the child in trouble.
For small kids, your typical bratty behavior doesn’t need to be shared with the parent. He doesn’t “share well” or he screamed at my child when he didn’t get his way? No. That’s being a tattle tale. Small children act badly sometimes. It’s a fact of life.
If the behavior isn’t something that could be life-changing, correct it at the time, and then let it go. If it’s something you fear could harm the child down the road, then it should be shared.
Sk8ing Momma
May 17th, 2011
10:04 am
Absolutely!
1. First, I correct all inappropriate behavior at my home.
2. Second, I inform the parent of the offense (sans the petty ones) and the discipline/corrective measure I took.
I’d like to know if my children engage in inappropriate behavior. I also EXPECT the adult in charge to correct/discipline my children. (I’m very old school in that way.) I then will administer any discipline I deem appropriate.
JJ
May 17th, 2011
10:08 am
What would you do if you found out there was underage drinking? What it if was at someone else’s house, and your child told you about it? Would you tell the homeowners?
jarvis
May 17th, 2011
10:21 am
@JJ, yes I’d tell the homeowners. On the other hand, I would not tell the parents of the non-homeowners.
Warrior Woman
May 17th, 2011
10:22 am
For bad behavior at my house, it depends on the seriousness of the offense. My thoughts on this are pretty well aligned with jarvis’ comments.
@JJ – This has happened in my family. My oldest daughter went on a date to a party at a friend’s home and called me to come get her because her date was drinking. I told the homeowners, and when they were unresponsive, took other guests home.
Tad Jackson
May 17th, 2011
10:35 am
I’ll fess up. I got in trouble one time and I’m supposed to be a responsible adult I think. Anyhow, the mom of my oldest son’s best friend said he comes home sometimes smelling like a cigar and she said she sure would appreciate me not smoking my gross, fat cigars around her son.
Well, they’re still best friends and he don’t smell like cigars anymore. I’ll admit … questionable behavior ain’t exclusive to kids!
http://www.adixiediary.com
fred
May 17th, 2011
10:45 am
If it si serious enough that I would ground / discipline my child for the behavior, then yes I would tell, I would also apologize for not being able to stop the behavior before it started. I have done this in the past when I saw my kids and neighbor kids getting in trouble at a 3rd parties house (playing with matches)
Techmom
May 17th, 2011
11:11 am
I chaperon a lot of church youth trips so I probably deal with this more with our youth than with my friends’ sons specifically. Most often I deal with issue and then let the parent know what happened, what the consequences were and whether I think it’s over and done with or if I think they need to be on the look out for continued behavior. I usually try to get the parents’ buy-in so that I’m sure we’re on the same page. I think this is definitely easier when your the ‘youth leader’ versus the friend’s parent though. There’s a sort of understanding that I’m being responsible for your child and by letting your kid come to a meeting or go on a trip, you’ve agreed that I get handle issues as I see fit. If it’s a first-time offense, I usually don’t tell the parents. I do think that most kids need to know the limits and be given a 2nd chance (assuming it’s legal and non-life threatening of course).
When a kid just goes to a neighbor’s house to play and then end up just being bratty, it’s a little different. If it’s a playdate situation, I think it’s up to the parents to handle the issue and leave it at that. I for one would always tell the parents they had full permission to make sure my son was polite and to ‘treat him like their own’ so that he knew he couldn’t go misbehave or forget to use his manners b/c I was there to remind him. He of course was always much more well behaved at someone else’s house than at home. That’s a good thing but there are days when I wish he was as helpful at home as he is at his friends’ houses!
Lori
May 17th, 2011
11:15 am
Depends on what the problem was. Kids will be kids, so I wouldn’t rat out bratty behavior. But if a young kid is overly bratty/irritable, they might be sick, so I’d tell about that. I would tell about really bad behavior, such as lying, stealing, etc. I would definitely tell on teens in the underage drinking scenario above.
mom2alex&max
May 17th, 2011
12:04 pm
Depends on what it is, who the kid is and how well I know him, and who the parents are.
My sons have a few friends that are like sons to me. When they are with me, I am raising them like my own, and depending on what they’ve done, I will be pretty likely to tell the parents.
With some other friends I am just not as comfortable and I don’t have a deep relationship with the parents, so I probably would only tattle-tale on some serious incident.
Wayne
May 17th, 2011
12:11 pm
I’m with Jarvis.
I’ve also been in situations where the parents are around and not saying anything to their kids when the kids are doing something they shouldn’t be – and said something. Bouncing a basketball off an inside wall in a school as hard as you can? And not in the gym? Nah, not playing (or listening) to that. Kids looked at me like I had two heads, but they stopped. Parents down the hallway just a bit didn’t see or hear it. I have one eye and wear hearing aids. I’m pretty dang sure they saw and heard it.
catlady
May 17th, 2011
12:20 pm
I have taken home kids early whose behavior did not conform to my expectations. It was a toxic guest, one we don’t need to have. Little things I deal with, but things that spoil the time for everyone are handled much less gently, and there is never a second chance for that child.
penguinmom
May 17th, 2011
1:47 pm
I would tell the parent if there was something major. If their child hit someone, broke something deliberately (or after being told to not do whatever caused it to break), lied, or discussed doing something dangerous (like saying they wanted to harm themselves or others). I would not tell the parent if they didn’t share, didn’t eat what I provided for them, argued with my child about a game or minor things like that. For any of these, I would have handled the situation, including any appropriate punishment and would have informed the parent.
I would want to know if my child did something that caused another parent major concern.
Kids who come to my house are told my expectations up front. I expect kids to be polite, play nicely, not bother me excessively with minor situations and to have fun.
Lynn
May 17th, 2011
2:03 pm
I’ve had my share of teens over the years and plenty of issues I’ve had to correct. For the most part, they have all listened to me but there was one time where I found evidence of one of the boys visiting for the 4th, having some pot in my house. I had no idea which of the 3 it belonged to and none of them would admit. I didn’t speak with their parents as I had no clue who they were but I made it plain that they were not welcome in our home any longer and my daughter was punished for not speaking up to them about it.
lakerat
May 17th, 2011
2:35 pm
I know this question relates to mostly 9 – 15 year olds, but…
When my youngest was about 13 he had a group of guys over for a spend the night – he knew our rules about not going to the lake alone (even in the daylight), but they all goaded him into leading them down there around one of two AM. Stupid as they were, they all left their wet clothes in the laundry room where they were found early the next morning. We called all the parents and had them come get their sons – some asked what the problem was and when we told them they were like “Is that all?”
Fast forward to when they were all seniors in high school – several of the same kids (including our son) told their parents they were spending the night with each other – all said a different friend. About 7am the next morning we had one of the other parents call us and asked if we knew where our son was – we told him he was supposed to be at so and so’s house – that dad then told us that they were really at some girls house where most of them had spent the night – basically as a group of about 20 – 30.
One of the other parents asked us how we were going to punish our son – we told her that since he was 18, as were the other kids, there was not much punishment we could dish out – she was initially aghast, but then she said, yeah, if they can go to war at that age then there really is not much else we could do.
Were we bad parents?
Regarding any alcohol served by parents to underaged kids, I WOULD get my kid out of there ASAP, if I knew about. I doubt I would do anything further, unless I knew it was a regular occurence (and would hopefully warn the kids about going to any such party – but they are going to do what they please, especially when parents do not necessarily know about what is happening), then I would confront the parents and possibly call the police.
DB
May 17th, 2011
2:54 pm
@Lakerat: I don’t care how old they are — if they are still depending on you for food, shelter and education, they don’t get a pass on LYING to you. That’s just a matter of respect. You weren’t bad parents — but you gave him too much power in this instance. If my son had pulled a stunt like that — actively created an elaborate lie about where he was going — he’d have had his cell phone and his car keys confiscated for a period of time.
When he was 18 and still in high school, he had a long track record of being responsible and staying out of trouble, so he had a good deal of leeway, and I didn’t need to tell him where he could and could not go. He didn’t have a curfew, but the only thing I asked is that by midnight, he call and let me know what his plans were for the evening — i.e., what time he was planning to be home, or if he was staying at a friend’s house. If those plans changed after midnight, then he could text me, so that I would know in the morning that he was at Andy’s house instead of Jack’s, or that he was going to be home at 2 am instead of 1 am. He made his own decision that he didn’t need to be out past 11 pm on school nights – he needed the sleep.
Basically, I made it irrelevant to lie to me. I HATE being lied to. Consequences for misconduct were always less when they ‘fessed up, but lie to me, and the Hammer of Doom comes crashing down on life as they know it.
Kat
May 17th, 2011
4:19 pm
@penguinmom: You said, “I would not tell the parent if they didn’t share, didn’t eat what I provided for them, argued with my child about a game or minor things like that. For any of these, I would have handled the situation, including any appropriate punishment and would have informed the parent.”
So, you said (at the beginning) that you would not tell the parent, and then at the end, that you would have told the parent?
penguinmom
May 18th, 2011
2:02 am
@Kat – sorry should have been and/or told the parents since that was at the end of a paragraph where I said I would tell them if it was something serious. I would definitely mete out some sort of punishment right away for anything I thought deserved it.
Really, I don’t invite kids over to the house unless I have been around them some to know that they are reasonable kids and until I know their parents enough to know what they would and wouldn’t put up with. We home school so I do have the luxury of meeting almost all of my kids’ friends and the parents.
motherjanegoose
May 18th, 2011
8:13 am
Just back from a week at St. Augustine and it was wonderful, even though I worked too. We took our daughter and a friend from UGA. Daughter asked me if we could all go together and we had a lot of fun! The guest was perfect!
I also despise lying. It really lowers my opinion of a person and makes me feel unlikely to trust again. If a child is lying to me, it would make me less apt to trust them in the future. I have used this illustration with children in my class at school:
“Today we are going to eat ice cream all afternoon….hoorah!” Then, when they ask where the ice cream is…”Oh I was just kidding.”
Do you feel disappointed? Me too…when people tell me things that are not true.
If someone got hurt ( by another child) at my house, I would tell the parents. If a child did something I know the parents did not tolerate ditto. If a child kicked our dog or broke a dish…probably not but I would have a chat with that child. When any child is at my house, I expect them to behave reasonably and abide by our rules. I expect the same from our children when they visit elsewhere.
I spoke with a college professor from Ohio yesterday, He will retire this year. I asked him what the biggest change he has seen in children, over the past 30 plus years, He replied, “lack of respect.”
When someone lies to me, they are being disrespectful IMHO. I agree that many folks do not respect others the way they used to with courtesy and kindness too.
JJ…a neighbor’s daughter had a small party and put it on Facebook. Of course, the parents were not home. Needless to say…it blossomed into a large event and LOTS of kids showed up who did not even know her.
It got out of control and the parents were robbed of priceless heirlooms. The house was trashed.
We do not live on the same block but she told me about it and it broke her heart. Things really can and do get out of control in a minute.
JJ
May 18th, 2011
9:22 am
Time for a new topic. This has been up for over 24 hours, and only 19 hits…..
motherjanegoose
May 18th, 2011
9:37 am
Go for it JJ…lol If you put something out there…we could discuss!
I hope TWG is doing o.k.
JJ
May 18th, 2011
9:39 am
MJG – I HAVE suggested NUMEROUS topics…..
motherjanegoose
May 18th, 2011
9:54 am
Just start one now…I am heading out but will chime in when I return! Give us something to do until a new topic from TWG appears! I have asked questions and people have answered …take a turn and we will see what everyone has to say! Fun!
jarvis
May 18th, 2011
10:02 am
Disney has applied for a trademark on “SEAL Team 6″.
That was really quick. Will they be making a movie about it, or are they just ahead of the curve trying to get another studio to pay them for the name?
http://www.freakonomics.com/2011/05/17/disneys-stealthy-seal-team-six-trademark-move/
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
May 18th, 2011
11:23 am
new topic up — sorry I’m late with it — the 4-year-old has come down with something and have been taking care of her — it’s a great topic — Body searches at prom?? Two NM students file suit! What is too intrusive?
http://blogs.ajc.com/momania/2011/05/18/body-searches-at-prom-two-student-file-suit-against-district/
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
May 18th, 2011
11:25 am
that’s crazy jarvis — I love freakanomics — there is another author that I have been reading Malcolm Gladwell. he explains the most fascinating things in every day language. I am going to pull a bunch of topics for the blog from his books — IN fact getting ready to write one up — check out his site. he is amazing.
http://www.gladwell.com/
Alecia
May 18th, 2011
2:09 pm
My favorite are the parents that are quick to tell you if your child is in the wrong, but have every defense in the book for their child. One of my daughter’s friends has a brother that beats on her everytime she comes to visit. Her brother is taller than I am and is several yrs older than my child. Anyway, I told my kid that the girl could visit, but she could not go to their house. This same child threatened to punch my daughter in front of me, without provocation. When I mentioned the reason why my kid will not visit their house to one of their parents, the response was “she taunts him.” This parent is not concerned with teaching their middleschool aged boy not to hit girls, especially ones that are 3 yrs younger. I do not want to see how this boy will turn out if he gets married and has not learned how to control his anger. Pretty creepy indeed.