Kate won’t say ‘obey’ in her wedding vows: Did you?

It is being widely reported that Kate Middleton won’t be promising to obey Prince William in her wedding vows. Princess Diana also removed obey from her vows in 1981, which was seen as very feisty and against the royal protocol then.

Now Middleton’s refusal to say obey is being represented as part of a modern marriage and a modern couple.

From the Mirror in England:

“KATE Middleton is set to follow Princess Diana’s example by ditching the word “obey” from her wedding vows.”

“Instead she is expected to promise to “love, comfort, honour and keep” Prince William when they tie the knot next Friday.”

“Kate, 29, and Wills, 28, discussed the wording with Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams.”

“He said: “They have a very simple, direct picture of what really matters.”

The obey portion of wedding vows has always rubbed me the wrong way and I am next to positive that I omitted them from my vows 17 years ago. Even at 22, I sure as heck wasn’t promising to obey anyone.

I think Michael and I both feel like we are partners. We lead in different areas but no one is in charge overall. (They may be why we fight so much though. No one is submitting.)

Did you promise to ‘obey’ in your vows? What do you think that means really in a marriage? Does it cause more problems if one person is not ‘in charge’?

Do you think it should be eliminated from wedding vows in general? Is it not the modern approach to marriage?

FYI: If you’re excited about the Royal Wedding, you’ll want to know how the AJC is going to be covering it. Here is the AJC’s coverage plan:

  • AJCBuzz live tweeting and blogging about the Royal Wedding and a local event at the W (where folks are watching the Royal Wedding).
  • Photos from the Piedmont Park event where there will be a large tent placed for folks to watch the wedding / attend bridal show.
  • Twitter module of Buzz + whatever hashtag is trending (#wedding or #royals)
  • From AP: BRITAIN-ROYAL WEDDING-RUNNING (an hours-long running account of the wedding in progress)

– Theresa Walsh Giarrusso, ajc.com Momania. I have increased my Twitter activity. I am sending out great stories for moms each day focusing on health, fitness, sex, entertainment, food, travel and obviously parenting! So follow me on Twitter at @AJCMOMania!)

69 comments Add your comment

Becky

April 28th, 2011
4:26 pm

No, I didn’t..My first marriage was in 1990 and I never even thought about saying that..My second wedding was in 1995 and I didn’t say it then..I don’t think that a woman should have to obey a man or vice versa..

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

April 28th, 2011
4:26 pm

Amen sister!

Amy

April 28th, 2011
4:34 pm

“Obey” is part of the normal wedding vow, I said it. I don’t see the point in getting married if you’re going to change the rules.

Becky

April 28th, 2011
5:07 pm

Amy, I didn’t change the vows, they just weren’t in the vows that were said at my wedding (the preacher chose our vows). I still don’t think that a man or woman should promise to abey each other..I’m all for sharing, loving, being there for each other thru sickness and health and whatever else there is, but I will not promise to obey a man..

No, I’m not a womens libber, I just think that we are all our own person and should not conform to what everyone else thinks is “normal”..
Besides, did you not ever hear that rules are made to be broken?

HB

April 28th, 2011
5:15 pm

Heck, I don’t think there’s even a rule here to break. I’ve rarely heard “obey”. I don’t think it’s considered the “normal” vow anymore. The phrasing I’ve heard most often is “love, honor, and cherish,” but there are lots of different pre-written vows out there.

theresa

April 28th, 2011
5:30 pm

Shaggy they have ringgold high on the front page right now. You were rigbt about big damage. Sevthe story.

[...] big dayBangkok PostKate Middleton's last night before royal weddingWashington Post (blog)Atlanta Journal Constitution (blog) -Daily Mail -The Guardian -Moneycontrol.comall 12,427 news [...]

Forget the "obey" part of the "vows"...

April 28th, 2011
6:03 pm

…the most objectionable part to me is the “til death us do part”, especially since over 50% of ALL marriages now end in divorce – not exactly a ringing endorsement for “vows”…

mzmae

April 28th, 2011
7:48 pm

Good responses. I agreed with 99%.
I state “Don’t say ‘obey’ Kate.”

Obey wasn’t in my vowage either. The thing that’s kept me twitching is – why isn’t that word in the groom’s vows?

I haven’t obeyed mine for 35-and-going-strong years now. <3

catlady

April 28th, 2011
7:51 pm

Heh, heh, heh, heh. NO! Even in 1973, h3ll NO!

djm_NC

April 28th, 2011
7:58 pm

@forget—thats what i was thinking. why would anyone care about what the vows are when over half the time none of them are kept anyway. and really…who made up those old timey vows? there is nothing in the bible about wedding vows. the famous-wither thou goest go i’ came from naomi and and her mother in law…nothing to do with marriage. ive always wondered that.

malleesmom

April 28th, 2011
8:17 pm

Married since ‘93. I had “obey” omitted.

Eating Boogers For The Protein

April 28th, 2011
8:25 pm

Good god woman. Would you give this royal wedding stuff a break. Only you and about 6 other cat owning lonely women care about this.

Leigh

April 28th, 2011
9:09 pm

I said obey and that was 12 years ago. My husband is the head of the household. We discuss and debate things. We have always been able to come to an agreement. If we couldn’t agree though, his decision would be the final one.

newblogger

April 28th, 2011
9:43 pm

Absolutely not! One should not be above the other and one should not feel they have to “obey” the other.

East Oregon Lady

April 28th, 2011
9:43 pm

OH my, Obey, NEVER….that sounds like “containment and control” from the start…..we are equals, and Amy has issues if she thinks that’s the ‘norm’….respect should be IN the vows, however, as that would do a lot more GOOD in the world!

Amanda

April 28th, 2011
10:33 pm

Actually, the removal of the word “obey” goes as far back as the 1800’s. A woman by the name of Cady stanton actually removed the word as well out of her wedding vows and was critized deeply by others around her time. The point being people, it all comes down to what you are comfortable with. If you wish to obey your husband, then by all means include them in your royal vows, but if you feel that you do not want to obey your husband, then change the vows to how you truly feel about your significant other.

source:
8th grade student teacher

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

April 28th, 2011
10:38 pm

I don’t own a cat — I have a dog!

becky

April 28th, 2011
11:17 pm

i agree with leigh. i said obey. been married 18 yrs. we work together as well but my husband has the final say. according to the Bible he is the head of the house. he doesnt order me around and treat me like a slave. he’s my best friend and we follow God’s word.

DB

April 29th, 2011
1:39 am

Nope — dumped the “obey” in 1982. We promised to “love, honor and cherish”.

William

April 29th, 2011
6:07 am

William’s gonna have his hands full with that bitch..
This won’t last 2 years..

Eating Boogers For The Protein

April 29th, 2011
6:46 am

Enter your comments here

motherjanegoose

April 29th, 2011
7:31 am

Cherish is what we went with.

Here is where I have a big problem with obey:

There are often times where one spouse knows a great deal more about something and the other spouse is simply stubborn. If you had to obey the stubborn spouse and it would put your family into turmoil,,,,that seems ridiculous to me. Yes, it can work both ways.

As mentioned before, father in law is an alcoholic. I have heard of many times where hubby’s family lived in turmoil and they just went along with it. Not sure I could put myself nor my kids through this but,luckily, I have not had to make that choice.

I will say that my mother obeyed my father and their’s was not a happy relationship, to me.

There are decisions I make, on a daily basis, that I have to handle myself and do not check in with my husband. When I am several states away, as I am today, I just deal with life.

When children are asked to obey their parents, in the Bible, isn’t this due to the fact that the parents would typically know more? Does the husband often know more than the wife? Years ago, men would have more educational opportunities…not so much now.

When you respect someone, or cherish them, do you lord things over them? My children are nearly grown and they do not really OBEY me an longer. When they move back home, they respect the rules we have at our house and we discuss what works for all of us. I seek their their input and we try to work things out so that everyone is happy. We do have some rules, just like you would have rules with your employer or professor.

motherjanegoose

April 29th, 2011
7:31 am

Comment gone :(

Lady Strange

April 29th, 2011
7:52 am

Nope, didn’t say obey when I got married. Won’t say it again if I ever get married again. I picked out my own vows the first time I was married. I believe marriage should be a partnership.

Mrs. G

April 29th, 2011
7:58 am

I didn’t say it, either.

I have to say…I’ve been on the “I don’t care” train about this whole wedding business all along; however, when I went to CNN this morning and saw the pictures, I caved! I’m a sell-out! Kate (who, according to the article I read, now wants to be referred to as Catherine) looked beautiful. I guess that weddings just make me happy. :) I wish them the best!

JJ

April 29th, 2011
8:20 am

“Obey” is archaiac. The only ones who “obey” in my house are the dogs…..

Eating Boogers For The Protein

April 29th, 2011
9:02 am

yamama

April 29th, 2011
9:06 am

Obey…you have got to be kidding. I consider us equals, we come to agreements on things. I value his opinion and he values mine (mostly!) We both provide financially, we both parent, etc. I “obeyed” my parents. My husband is not my parent.

45 y/o mom

April 29th, 2011
9:13 am

I was married by a Baptist preacher in 1991 and we didn’t get to choose our vows, however the word obey was never in there. My mother who was married by the same preacher in 1964 didn’t have the word either. To love, honor & cherish …

PS Yes – both couples still married! :)

Techmom

April 29th, 2011
9:18 am

@JJ I sure wish the dogs obeyed in my house.

I was never big on the “obey” or “submit” part but honestly, if read within the context of how it’s written in the Bible, it’s not meant to mean that someone rules over the other, it’s meant to convey respect. But so many people get married and use religious vows and yet they have never studied the Bible, so I think there’s simply misunderstanding. To each his own and if you think it’s inappropriate, leave it out. But those who I know have left it in their vows on purpose are not weak, oppressed women who are ruled over.

Alecia

April 29th, 2011
9:28 am

Obey…husband head of household and has final decision???Guess it works well for the burka wearing population. Guess I’m burning in hell for not choosing that route. I did not go to college for a Mrs. degree and provide my share financially to the household. What is that profession called where the woman depends on the man for economic support and in turn takes care of him in other ways??? We are both co-chairs.

45 y/o mom

April 29th, 2011
9:37 am

Techmom

Your comment was excellent!

I saw bits & pieces of the ceremony starting at around 6:30, and I finally had to cut it off around 8:30. LOL – it put me way behind this AM. I wasn’t planning on watching any of it. However, I could not take my eyes off how gorgeous and simply elegant the bride looked. It really was really glad because it has put me in such a great mood.

Everyone have a great day & weekend!

Jeff

April 29th, 2011
10:00 am

And how has that worked out for BOTH him and her?

Enemas for the Blind

April 29th, 2011
10:07 am

About Momania: A Blog for Busy Moms

A daily guide to raising healthy children without going insane

So how is this blog a guide to raising healthy children?

abc

April 29th, 2011
10:10 am

I think what most of you describe is not marriage in a Biblical sense, but rather a civil union, a legal arrangement, a practical partnership. Not that there’s anything wrong with that — a marriage covenant should only be entered into willingly, by people informed of what it really is. A legal arrangement by which you can decide for yourselves what it is suits many people better than marriage covenants.

jarvis

April 29th, 2011
10:20 am

@abc, Orthodox Christians don’t speak during their weddings. Are you suggesting that Greek Orthodox couples don’t marry since they don’t say vows like those in Catholic or Protestant weddings?

abc

April 29th, 2011
10:21 am

I think speaking the vows themselves are an invention of man, not God. Paul’s letters in the New Testament define roles, in a marriage that is a covenant with God.

really

April 29th, 2011
10:31 am

if i ever get married, i will not say it.

jarvis

April 29th, 2011
10:37 am

That sounds a lot more like a convenant with Paul than with God.

abc

April 29th, 2011
10:53 am

If you care to believe that Paul’s letters aren’t the word of God, that’s your choice. I don’t take issue with your choices. That defines you as being non-Christian; it makes anything the Bible says moot, from your perspective.

TinaTeach

April 29th, 2011
11:16 am

We took out “obey”. My husband thought it was stupid to have it in there in the first place. He knew we would lead together. Not as president and vice-president. In fact, I’m the one who has final say a lot of the time because I handle the budget.

Wayne

April 29th, 2011
11:35 am

I work with some folks here (Assembly of God church-goers) who believe that the man is the head of the household and has the last word.

I’m not goin’ there.

We made our own vows and I can assure you that ‘obey’ was not in it!

mom of 3

April 29th, 2011
12:38 pm

Head of the house – really that is still practiced. We are happily married and if he ever said I have the final word, he would be saying it to my backside as I was walking out the door with bags in hand. Been married 30 years. Guess what, my faith is Baptist so don’t pull the whole religious thing on me. Did not say obey and the only person I obey is me and my grandson.

Becky

April 29th, 2011
1:02 pm

@mom of 3..Love your post..Especially your last line..

shaggy

April 29th, 2011
1:11 pm

abc,

“If you care to believe that Paul’s letters aren’t the word of God, that’s your choice. I don’t take issue with your choices. That defines you as being non-Christian; it makes anything the Bible says moot, from your perspective.”

From your writing, I get the idea that you worship Paul.
Funny, I have always thought Christ’s teachings were the focus, not some guy named Paul.
Isn’t that the guy that was scared to death of women, so scared that he “taught” to limit their presence to always be subservient to men? Kinda like the Taliban, except without the veil.

abc

April 29th, 2011
1:14 pm

If anyone’s interested, these would be the pertinent Bible verses.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians%205:21-33&version=NIV

justmy2cents

April 29th, 2011
1:15 pm

Obey? Give me a minute while I pee my pants from laughing so hard! Not a friggin’ chance this side of h3ll…or on the other side of it for that matter.

Hubby left the news on this morning so my eyes/ears were raped by the Royal Wedding crap. Yes, I changed it, but not before I heard how much the dress cost. Almost HALF A MILLION dollars and that is the best they could design? Wow, hope they threw the car in for free. Ridiculous!!!

justmy2cents

April 29th, 2011
1:41 pm

@ TWG-my post stuck in the filter

tracey

April 29th, 2011
1:42 pm

nope, wasn’t gonna and he didn’t ask.