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Momania: A Blog for Busy Moms

Is it bad to split up sibs at different schools?

8:46 am March 9, 2011, by Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

I am wondering: Is it bad to split sibs up at different schools when a school might offer programs that meet that individual child’s needs better?

Between charter schools, magnet schools, specialty schools and even home schooling, parents have lots of option other than just the school that happens to be physically closest to their house.

I have a friend who is homeschooling this year just one of her kids and the other child wants desperately to be homeschooled as well. I can’t decide if that is just for mommy’s attention or if their local school really isn’t great (even though it has a good reputation). Would her youngest have done better this year if the older child was still at her school?

Another mom in another state is being offered a self-contained gifted class, where all the child’s subjects would be taught at a gifted level, but it’s at a different school. The family only moved to that school this year so while they think the class would be better academically, they are worried about switching the child’s school yet again. Plus, there would be all the logistical difficulties of two elementary schools.

I know in some districts in New Jersey parents match up the elementary school with their child’s strengths (such as math, science or global view — social studies) so you could in theory have your kids in several different schools.

I think I may have shared before that half of my dad’s brothers went to private school and the other half went to public school. I had always heard that my grandmother decided who she thought had the most potential and they got the private school. Recently, I have been told it was the opposite — that the younger boys didn’t go the private school because they thought it had dropped in stature. But half went to one school and half the other.

Eventually sibs will be separated by middle and high schools depending on their spreads but that seems more like a natural part of growing up not a choice by the parent.

So while a program at a different school may be better academically for the child, a parent has to consider:

1.       Logistics: Can you get each child where they need to be at the times they need to be there?

2.       Whole new set of kids and parents: Now you are trying to be engaged in two (or more) entirely different settings with different school events, different school days, different parents and different kids. You’re having to start over socially.

3.       Is there some comfort for kids knowing their sib is right down the hall? Or some comfort in the stability of staying at one elementary school even if another program might fit the needs a little better?

So what have your experiences been with splitting off sibs at different schools where their individual needs may be better met? Do the academic benefits far outweigh any negative points of convenience or stability?

– Theresa Walsh Giarrusso, Momania on ajc.com

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38 comments Add your comment

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

March 9th, 2011
8:50 am

This was supposed to pop up early this morning — but it didn’t. sorry technicality difficulties.

JATL

March 9th, 2011
9:15 am

I wouldn’t think twice about splitting them up if they each benefited from different offerings at different schools. They’re not the same person -they’re individuals. Unless they’re twins, they start school at different times and finish school at different times anyway.

b

March 9th, 2011
9:45 am

Of course you can split them. This is about your children and what is best for them, not for you. After moving to Georgia, our oldest went to public school, graduated and will graduate next month from a Georgia state college.

Our younger has multiple learning disabilities that the public schools were unable to deal with effectively, in our opinion. Although we tried elementary public school, we had to supplement with a specialized tutor 2-3 times per week for over 3 years. During the IEP meeting for 6th grade it became apparent that a move to a private school, one that allowed for differences in learning styles would be the for the best. After 5 years, with two more to go, we are very satisfied.

This move required a lot from us as parents in time and money. A sacrifice we would do again.

The point is that it is not about the parents, but rather their responsibility to provide the best education they can for their children and to see them as individuals and not as “one size fits all”.

A

March 9th, 2011
9:46 am

I only have 1 child, but if I had more I wouldn’t hesitate either to split them up based on what was offered at different schools. The only thing is logistically it could be tough if there weren’t buses provided for each school and you had to drive kids to different places each day.

usually lurking

March 9th, 2011
9:47 am

Bad for the siblings? Not sure they’d care. Hassle for the parents for transportation – sure, but that’s what carpools are for. I wouldn’t think twice about sending my children to different schools if that was best for them.

JJ

March 9th, 2011
9:49 am

I work with a woman who has three kids in three different charter schools, from Decatur to Norcross.

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

March 9th, 2011
9:49 am

My friend in Buckhead says this is very common to split up kids but I don’t think it’s as common in the burbs — what do you guys think on that?? Do you see it in the burbs?

Becky

March 9th, 2011
10:24 am

Heck yeah, I would split them up if it was for the best..So far though, haven’t had to even worry about this..

I have a sister that lives in VA and 15 years ago, her twins went to different schools based on their learning ability..One was very much a “learner” and a go getter, so he went to a charter school..The other one only wanted to learn the basics in school, so he went to public school..Both are very smart and have fared very well, it’s just that one was pretty much bored with what he was being taught at school and wanted more..

As has already been mentioned, transportation would most likely be one of the big issues with different schools, but as parents thats what you do..

@JJ..I would hate that :~), but if it works for them, think its great..

b

March 9th, 2011
10:32 am

I live in Johns Creek so yes it happens in the ‘burbs. Transportation is not as big of an issue as you may think; most private schools offer bus service (of course you pay) and there are car pools. The harder thing is all the activities. Our school offers a late bus, but that only works for practices. The harder thing is getting to games, plays, etc. when it is much further away than the neighborhood schools. Again, we do not regret the choice—and are very glad that we had the choice to send our child to the “best fit school”.

ABC

March 9th, 2011
10:49 am

@Becky, you mentioned a friend with twins. I don’t get why parents feel they have to keep twins in the same classroom, not just in preschool but in elementary as well. Granted, I don’t have twins and so can’t judge, but it seems to me if I did have multiples I’d make it a point to have them in different classes so they can grown and learn separately rather than always being with their sibling.

Miss Priss!

March 9th, 2011
11:07 am

When they’re fist-fighting I definitely split them up!

RJ

March 9th, 2011
11:36 am

I had one in private and one in public during the elementary years.It worked out fine.

War Eagle

March 9th, 2011
11:36 am

When they are old enough for one to be in Middle the other still in Elementary or Middle/High School they are split anyway. You have to do what is best for EACH child.

Becky

March 9th, 2011
11:38 am

@ABC..My grandkids are twins and they are the 4th set of twins in my family..My two have been in the same class up until this yr. (2nd grade)..Their Mom has wanted it this way because she says it’s easier to deal with homework and field trips..Not so sure about that for her, because I am the one that goes on the field trips ith them..Whole ‘nother topic..:~)

This year, they are in separate classes (sorta)..The boy is in a class with all boys and the girl is in a class with all girls..The thing is, they change teachers after lunch, so they still have the same homework..The girl loves being away from the boy..

I guess because these two are boy/girl, they pretty much do on their own even if they are in the same class..Seems that way to me..I do agree that the parents should let them be individuals, but you don’t see that a lot..As I mentioned, my oldest sister has twins (boys) and she always had them in different classes from day one..

Techmom

March 9th, 2011
12:40 pm

I live in the burbs and see it a lot at my son’s private school. His schools tries to keep with the public school calendar simply b/c there are so many families with one in private and the rest either in other private, public or home schooled. A lot of families find they can only afford for 1 in private school and the one that stays may stay for a variety of different reasons.

One family has 3 in HS (twin boys in 11th and another son in 10th). The twins both went to my son’s school for a couple of years but one started an online/home school option last year, one stayed and the younger son goes to a different private school. The parents said it was most difficult for carpool reasons but as soon as the boys were old enough to drive, it’s worked out just fine for their family.

We are friends with another family who decided to keep their oldest in the school and send their twin boys to public school when they got to middle school. It was mostly for financial reasons (tuition makes a pretty big jump at some private schools between elementary and middle).

Stacey

March 9th, 2011
1:01 pm

I agree with others who say that it’s a good thing to send them to whatever school best suits their needs and/or learning styles if you have the options. I have a sister who was two grades ahead of me in school and but because each grade was on a different wing of the school, we only saw each other on the school bus.

Becky…My son was in daycare thru pre k with a set of twins (boy/girl) who were managable when separate but pure hell when they were together. The daycare classes were one per age group so they were always together but they had two preschool and two pre k classes and they were separated then. The mother had a fit because “they needed to stay together” but the center separated them anyway. Both kids seemed to thrive after that. It was like (IMO) they were relieved to finally get a break from each other.

Becky

March 9th, 2011
1:27 pm

@Stacey..Each year the teachers have told me that even though they are in the same class, it’s like having two “regular” kids..As it is, most people have a hard time believing they are twins..They look nothing alike and have pretty much always been their own self..Don’t know if thats because we never tried to make them do everything together, we never tried to dress them “matchy matchy”, they have been told from early on that they are two different people..

I was in middle school with twin girls and in 7th grade, their Mom would send them to school in matching outfits about 2-3 times per week..Bless them, they were always in the bathroom swapping clothing with other girls so that they weren’t always so alike..I think twins are great, but like everyone says, they are still “eaches”..Let them be..

Something else I’m wondering about..In the school where my two go, they have 2 cousins and a younger brother..The one cousin is in the same grade, but they won’t put them in the same class..They say it’s to confusing..Same thing with the younger brother & the other cousin, they are both in kinder and they won’t put them in the same class..How can cousins be too confusing, but twins aren’t?

JOD

March 9th, 2011
1:39 pm

Theresa – Potential blog topic that would help me out a lot…how have others addressed crazy gift-giving friends and relatives? DD has more toys than she will ever play with – and it gets worse each birthday and Christmas. I know the in-laws and grands-in-laws do it because they love her, but it’s a literal MOUNTAIN each holiday. We give stuff away, but I know they look for certain gifts when they visit. We do gift ideas (like books, clothes, specific toys like Legos) and asked for them to not spend so much money (or to put that $ in the 529!), but nothing has worked…

JOD

March 9th, 2011
1:40 pm

PS – Before anyone thinks I’m being ungrateful…DD gets bored before she finishes opening her presents – it takes THAT long. She’s actually never missed anything I’ve given away.

DB

March 9th, 2011
1:56 pm

Absolutely. Kids have different needs, and if a child is particularly gifted or weak in an area that another school can address more effectively, then that’s where they go.

Logistics are a hassle, yes, so you have to weigh the benefits to the child vs. the hassle factor. Depending on the benefits, it may not be worth it with the erosion of family time, different spring break and holiday calendars, etc. That’s a family decision.

As far as getting to know groups of parents — yeah, so? Since when is meeting more people rather than less a problem? You just have more friends!

But I sure wouldn’t segregate my kids private vs. public based on my assessment of their potential! At one point, one of my children asked to move from private to public because they were interested in the fine arts program at the neighborhood high school. We talked about it for a month or two, and decidedthat instead of moving schools, it would meet their needs to add an extra dance class instead. In the long run, it was less stressful than having kids at two schools, two different sets of vacations, etc.

JJ

March 9th, 2011
2:07 pm

Becky, my ex sister in law used to dress her kids “matchy matchy” in the same clothes, even though they were 5 years apart…..

JJ

March 9th, 2011
2:07 pm

outfits, not clothes……LOL

Kat

March 9th, 2011
2:18 pm

@ABC: I have twins and plan to keep them together as long as they are continuing to make their individual friends and excel as they have. No reason to separate them yet. They enjoy being together, but once they hit the school – they play with their own friends in the classroom and show no co-dependent signs according to the teacher. I like only having to deal with the goings-on in one classroom, because I don’t have that “helicopter mom” mentality.

JOD

March 9th, 2011
3:04 pm

@JJ – LOL. That’s one of my favorite expressions – it’s really funny to hear it from someone else since Hubs makes fun of me :o) I have a feeling that if we have have another little one, we’ll start to receive big and little outfits…

motherjanegoose

March 9th, 2011
3:40 pm

My kids were in the same building for 1 year. Son attended 3 different elementary schools, 2 middle and 1 high. Daughter in 3 different elementary schools, 1 middle and 1 high. I guess I never thought much about it. It was just what we did. They almost always rode the bus and I rarely ever drove them to school as the carpool line took longer than the trip to school. I saw Moms camping out there for 30 minutes every day to get the front of the line and I never could understand it. Guess they had to be somewhere else soon.

Re gifts…I cannot offer any advice on that since my two rarely get anything from their grandparents.
I cannot even remember a time when either grandparents were in the same room as my kids on their birthdays. $$$ in a 529 for their grandkids? Not happening here! LOL. Let’s just say that grandchildren are not that important to our parents and we are pretty much used to it. I would not know how to react if I were in your shoes.

Becky

March 9th, 2011
3:46 pm

@JJ..Oh heck no do I want to dress matchy matchy with my sisters, other than maybe a shirt the same color..My two have been pretty much picking out their won clothes for about 6 yrs now, so there isn’t any matching outfits..

@JOD..I am so with you on toys for the kids..My husband is the same way as your in laws..One year, he bought the girl 3 doll houses..Really?? He always thinks that they have to have more stuff under the tree..NO, they don’t..Then of course he’s the one complaining that they have to much stuff all over the house..Gee, wonder where they got all of it from?

As for thinking that you are ungrateful..Not on my part..I sooo see your point..Where I start feeling ungrateful is when I start either giving the things away (after being played with for a couple of days) or donating it to the thrift store..Thank goodness my two are now getting to the point where they really realize that more isn’t always better..

Becky

March 9th, 2011
3:48 pm

@MJG..haha..I went to high school with a cousin and we were there for a year before either one of us knew who the other one was..:~)

AmazonRed™

March 9th, 2011
3:52 pm

My sisters and I each went to different high schools. It worked out for the best that way.

Essentially, we were stair steppers, and I was the eldest and the higher achiever. My sister, a year younger, would get discouraged when she’d encounter my teacher from the year prior who would say “Oh, are you gonna be a good student like your sister?” I was a rule follower and a teachers pet type student and she liked to march to the beat of her own drummer, so it was a frustrating time for her.

She chose a high school that was better suited for her needs (had a performing arts program, her passion) and that I’d never stepped foot in. She enjoyed school much more not existing in my shadow anymore.

My youngest sister (by 3 years) was on the basketball track and was offered a scholarship to a private school across town. But while she liked going to the same school as me, it was nice for her to be away from her sisters as well. As the youngest, she didn’t feel the need to be as independent as long as she had two older sisters to look out for her. Going to a different school forced her to think and do for herself on her own.

Stacey

March 9th, 2011
4:03 pm

My mom used to buy my sister and me similar clothes but in different colors so that when I caught the hand-me-downs it didn’t look like I was wearing the same outfit for years. :-D My sister took care of her clothes so they still looked new months later but I was rough so mine were torn or stained after the 2nd or 3rd wearing (my son is that way now).

By the time we got to middle school we were similar in size (she’s taller) so we bought totally different wardrobes and shared (not always willingly). I had outgrown my tomboyishness to a point.

Tia

March 9th, 2011
4:21 pm

Never really thought about it but my sister and I only went to the same school for 2 years (my sister and I were 3 grade levels apart). One year was private, the next year public. I stayed at the public school and my sister was sent to private. The reason was because the public school was a good school and a fit for me but not my sister. When she finally went to jr. high school and high school, based on grade division we were never again going to have the opportunity to be in the same school but she didn’t even attend the schools that I went to. Again, the reason was because of how the schools changed by the time she was of age. I never thought about how different that was until now. I think you do have to assess what is best for your children as individuals. They aren’t clones of each other and what works for one won’t necessarily work for another. Since as parents our job is produce healthy and productive people, you have to make sure your children are environments that will allow them to do that based on who they are.

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

March 9th, 2011
5:01 pm

JOD noted — and I have some suggestions on this — we have similar issues — lots of presents, whcih is lovely but ….

Roberta Higginbotham

March 9th, 2011
5:03 pm

I think there should be a law against anyone over the age of 15 using LOL.

KoolAid House

March 9th, 2011
5:13 pm

@RobertaH ~ don’t you realize that 16 and 17 yr old girls use LOL way more than their tweeners!

Fremont's 47 Year Old Midget

March 10th, 2011
7:08 am

LOL from a 47 year old midget!

JJ

March 10th, 2011
8:14 am

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

FCM

March 10th, 2011
3:18 pm

Most sibs at some point are split in different schools anyway….Lili is in preschool, Walsh & Rose in ES.

Next year my oldest moves to MS and the youngest has 3 more years at the Elementary level. I don’t see how putting them in different schools even on if it is 2 different HS (ie Pebblebrooke’s performing arts and Walton) or lower levels.

Ask your self this…if one child is really good in Math and another struggles do you put them in the same math class? It really is the same thing.

THAT IS

IF

You are willing to do with the schedules of the different schools at that point. You, as parent, will have conflicts of events occurring at the different schools….do you do PTA at both? Do you do the Reading Fair or the School Talent Show if they are on the same night and different places.

Reality is that having children in the same school makes life easier on the family.

BTW my dad went to Cass Tech HS in Detriot (in today’s terms it operated as a Math and Science Magnet School). His brother was a year or so behind him in school and went to Cody HS. It worked fine in their house, but alas that too was another era.

FCM

March 10th, 2011
3:24 pm

Come to think of it, I did go to private school for 4 years…I asked to go to public school and my folks finally agreed although I could have stayed in the private school until graduation. My brother remained in the private school for another 4 years himself. So it can work, and we both got a good education. I went on to graduate from KSU (and am happy at a Fortune 500) but he quit UGA to go work fulltime (and get married) and is now a highly respected, well paid, Regional Manager in the food service industry. So you just never know how it will work out.

tracey

March 14th, 2011
3:31 pm

i’ve had to split up my kids for years. it’s a pain, but they needed different things from school. you do what you have to for your kids.