Do you offer marriage advice?

While I personally give advice often, not so much in marriage. This is due to the fact that I do not think I have a handle on it. We still argue after 28 years. To me, this is a bit humorous as my sister has been married for 25 years and she tells me that they never argue and ALWAYS get along….WHAT? Guess I am not doing things the right way. Perhaps I need advice on this subject.

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my main advice is to people who are getting married. you can not change people. most people do not change, most people just become more of what they are as they get older.

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When my niece got married in 2009, I told her that marriage is hard work and if she was not ready to work hard, then don’t get married. I totally agree with Theresa about the baby. A baby changes the whole dynamic of the marriage. My niece is in her early 20s and I told her to wait as long as they can to start a family. Be married for a while and get to know each other. Talk A LOT about how you want to raise your children before you have to start raising them. I also told her to make a scrapbook. When things are rough in our house, I get out our scrapbooks and it reminds me of the great times and that at the very core of our marriage is love. There is some bit of research somewhere that says that if an on-the-edge-of-divorcing couple had a scrapbook to look through of their memories together, they would be more than likely to not get divorced. Now, I don’t know if this is true for everyone, but it sure works for me. This is also the case for parenting. When I have had a rough day as a mom, I get out my daughter’s scrapbooks and remember all the fun and the cute things that she does when she is not challenging me.

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YAY FOR MICHAEL. I have no problem offering an opinion (I can hear y’all saying “yeah, we know”). Offering true advice–especially on love relationships–is a whole differnt issue to me.

Obviously this barber was in pain. At least he reached out to someone like Michael in it. What if he had reached out to someone who said “Dude you would be so much better on your own?” I personally feel this story is one of those magic moments where Michael was open to the Spirit moving through him to help this man. No, it may not work…the man has free will.

Kathy–for every picture in the scrap book I can remember the fight that happened before it. Some of our most “loving/happy” photos were actually us just putting up a front knowing others would see the pictures.

I am honestly better off–healthier if you will–having been divorced. BUT I have said it time and again—divorce is brutal. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. So, I truly hope the barber listened to Michael and gets his relationship with his wife (his other half) back on track.

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@ FCM…we had lots of those perfect pictures growing up and our family was in LOTS of pain.

I once heard that marrying a man who is close to his mother and treats her well is key. This would transfer to his wife. Anyone have thoughts on that?

My husband is not really close to any of his family. I reminded him several times to call them on Christmas Day. He called his one sister but not the other sister or brother. They did not call him either…I find this weird. No cards or gifts either. He finally called his Dad at 9:30 p.m.

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[...] offer marriage advice?Atlanta Journal Constitution (blog)(He told him how for Christmas he surprised me by burning me a CD and putting on the MP3 player all my favorite Michael Jackson hits. …and more » [...]

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My #1 piece of advice for a successful relationship:

Be nice.

It’s amazing how much the relationship can improve just by being NICE to the other person. Don’t fight over stupid things. Be willing to let some things go.

Just be nice.

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How funny (and interesting)…. My husband and I went to visit friends on Sunday and found ourselves in the middle of a heated battle between the two. This couple who have been married two times as long as my husband and I (20 years) brought us right into thier marriage woes. While I am very happy to offer marriage advice, because I really believe that my husband and I have pretty much mastered it (with years of experience and our faith), and this does not mean that we don’t fight or have our moments, sometimes it gets a little hairy when it is friends or family members.

I say kudos to Michael for sharing his marriage wisdom with this young man, because reality is this generation of young marrieds mostly came from single-parent homes and they need the wisdom of those of us who have pretty much mastered it. It also says a lot about Michael (and you) that this young man felt that he could confide in him. That means that he sees something in your marriage that he may want to emulate.l

So now I think that you guys should invite them over or on a double date so that they can see a the definition of marriage in action (with children), which they may not be used to seeing. You don’t have to counsel them at that time, but kind of become marrriage mentors, I think every couple needs one, especially one that is not related.

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Together for 13 and married for 8 years. I met my wife when I was 28 years old and I was still very selfish. I was fortunate that she tolerated me because now that I am older I truly appreciate and adore this woman. My advice to married couples is that there is no place in marriage for selfishness. The marriage will not survive! Younger people tend to be more selfish so it makes it tough on young couples. I think older couples are more willing to compromise. So if you can make it through the first five to eight years your odds are good that the marriage will be a success. Also specifically for men you have to give your woman some attention. I learned that women absolutely need to be shown attention with no exceptions. Don’t get caught up in the idea that because she does not ask for it that it’s ok to watch football all day. Its very critical because if you don’t then that leaves the door open for someone else who will and once you loose your wife’s attention then it’s hard to get it back.

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@BC
Wise words — if you don’t give your wife attention, somebody else will.
Count on it.
Let me add — if you don’t treat your spouse kindly, somebody else will. If you don’t appreciate your spouse’s efforts (even if the results aren’t so great), somebody else will. You have to put in the effort to ‘keep’ your spouse, just like you did to ‘get’ your spouse when you were dating.

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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Danya Kerry, frieda and Emily Bouchard, Sandra Garrett. Sandra Garrett said: Do you offer marriage advice? | Momania: A Blog for Busy Moms: Are you willing to offer advice to other couples?… http://bit.ly/hBdQTS [...]

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When 50-60 percent of ALL marriages have been ending in divorce…the generation today has grown up WITHOUT examples of good marriages…instead they have dealt with the weekend/weekday shuffle,step mommies/daddies/siblings and often multiple marriages with siblings from multiple parents. It is harder from them to UNDERSTAND what makes up a good marriage and what type of work is involved..for them giving up is a easier alternative..after all they lived that way their whole life.

Kids are a big factor in relationships as well as finances…especially with this economy..best advice for a new couple..wait as long as you can to have kids..get your financial situation in order FIRST, financial advice should be the first thing handled. Don’t buy a home,car or lifestyle you can’t afford and SAVE money. After 5 years consider kids..when you have learned IF you even want to have kids with the person you are married to….

By the way, a recent survey stated that 46% of all young adults 22-29..DO NOT BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE…that explains this generation of the carriage before the marriage…

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Before getting married, every couple should know that marriage is work, give and take – 95% give and take 5%. And regardless of who you are, you think you are the one offering the 95%. If you’re not ready to compromise, then you’re not ready for marriage. That does not mean to lower expectations. It just means that sometimes, you have to give more than you take from the relationship, and that is okay.

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Loved your advice, Ally. Yes, babies can put a huge strain on a marriage. I don’t care what the Kodak ads imply, new babies are not easy to deal with if you’re used to it just being the two of you. That first year alone is still in kind of a haze for me because of the lack of sleep and some post-partum depression.

I also think every couple argues at some point. We certainly do. But I think it’s important to not let it devolve into a shouting match where personal insults are being hurled around (including words like “idiot” “hate” and “stupid”). That’s when people say things that are hard to forgive and forget later.

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MJG-great point! I definitely think the way a man treats his mom is an indicator of how he will treat his wife. My ex-husband does not have a lot of respect for his mom (or anyone for that matter) and we divorced after he thought he could have a wife and girlfriends. My husband, to whom I’ve been married for 16 years, is an angel. I have watched him care for his 81 year old mom who has advanced alzheimers and it just touches my heart. He treats his sister with love as well. I like to say that he is the prince that came along and saved my life. He is truly the epitomy of your statement because he treats me like a queen. Do we argue and disagree? Sure, but we always find a way to resolve an argument and try to never go to bed mad. I have seen it other times too. My oldest, who is 20, is very respectful and sweet to me. I have seen how he treats his girlfriend and it is much the same way. I don’t know if it’s nature or nurture but I believe it’s true.

I agree with the other post about being nice. That would be my advice. When you start out with simply being nice in mind, it’s hard to go any other way and tends to take the heat out of an argument.

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@fk…agreed, everyone thinks they are giving 95%

I enjoy giving advice and love breaking down a disagreement between two people and trying to help the person I am talking to perhaps understand the perspective of the other party.

For me one of the hardest parts of marriage has been trying to believe in my spouse’s “otherness.” Like trying to really understand that he is not trying to p!ss off/hurt/be indifferent to you…he really is looking at this same situation and seeing it completely different from you…bc, ya know, he is not you!

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“my main advice is to people who are getting married. you can not change people. most people do not change, most people just become more of what they are as they get older.”

People can change, its just that most refuse to. The problem arises where one person changes and the other doesn’t. I was in this position where I changed, but others around me including my husband refused to. I thought, by my example, becoming a better person and letting go of many of my issues others around me would want to do the same. Now I have found myself returning to old habits because of bitterness. Even in this time of economic change, I really don’t find where people are changing for the better – they may say they are, but I can see that most changes are/were temporary.

It is a lifelong struggle to improve yourself and become a better person. You just have to realize you can make people change.

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It’s very easy to give advice when you are on the outside looking in.

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@ still…I am with you on change. Folks change for their jobs because they know they have to to keep their job. Are marriages more disposable than a job?

We change the way we drive to work, we change our bank, we change where we shop for groceries…we even move to new neighborhoods and change neighbors. Some spouses just find it easier to settle in to what they want to do and refuse to budge.

My husband once said to me, “You are not the same person I married….you have changed.”
I replied. “In 20 plus years, is that a bad thing? What has changed?’

“You used to enjoy cooking, sewing, and cleaning the house now you do not.”

My answer, “well when we brought the babies home from the hospital, it was a novelty to change their diapers too…after 200 diapers not so much! I am now interested in other things. I like to travel, garden, read new authors, eat out and meet new people. ”

At church, we had a discussion about having a forgiving spirit or harboring bitterness. I admit that I do harbor bitterness. I can forgive mistakes but when the same issue happens over and over again, it is hard for me to forgive. Anyone else?

Example…if your mail carrier left your mailbox open every day and your mail fell out on the curb…would it not drive you crazy? Would you get bitter at the mail carrier or could you just forgive the problem every day and let it go ? Will someone here please answer me?

There are things in my house that are repeated quite often….sometimes it sends me over the edge.
Am I the only one?

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Another observation, both my father and father in law made pretty big changes to attract a new spouse after my mother and mother in law both passed away. We were amazed. Now, they are pretty much back to their old habits they had with their first wives. Anyone else?

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@MJG -ugh! I couldn’t be in one of those marriages! I would go crazier than I already am in short order.

I think several things should be drummed into everyone’s head -maybe in high school (I long for a high school class with the curriculum about how to get along in the world -basics on childcare, relationships, the law and finance -you know -all those things parents are supposed to teach their children but it seems fewer and fewer do) -anyway:

NEVER think you’ll save a marriage or relationship by having a baby! Not only is it a huge stress that may end the marriage or relationship if things are already rocky, but now you have an innocent child in the mix.

As many others have said -BE NICE. The Golden Rule applies to marriage too! Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated and it will go a long way. Don’t nag, boss, demand, threaten and ignore and then expect to be treated like royalty. And yes -if you don’t treat your spouse well, someone else surely will!

Endeavor to have a sex life. Some don’t have to work at this, but many do. With kids, age, careers, etc. it can start to fall by the wayside, so do what you need to do to fire it up. You know -you may not think you look good or enjoy wearing fishnets or bustiers, but your hubby probably will! Ask your husband or wife what really, truly turns them on -and then do it sometime. You don’t have to do it every time, but it won’t hurt once in awhile. Hint husbands -often it’s taking her feelings into consideration and doing something really simple like vacuuming the house or telling her to go for a pedicure while you watch the kids. You might be surprised what kind of action that starts getting you!

No matter what some say -no one is a mind reader. I’ve particularly been guilty of thinking, “Well, he knows me and he should know _______.” Uh-huh. This doesn’t mean that you should have to make announcement every time your birthday or Christmas rolls around to remind your spouse, but it does mean that if things don’t go the way you like, and it’s enough to upset you or keep you angry, then you need to sit down with them and explain. Communication really is key.

And again -as others have said -you will never, EVER change anyone! People change when they want to and sometimes YOU may make them want to change, but your desire for them to change won’t do it. THEY are the ones who have to have that desire -and it doesn’t matter if this is in regards to money, drinking, cheating, leaving clothes on the floor or doing drugs.

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“At church, we had a discussion about having a forgiving spirit or harboring bitterness. I admit that I do harbor bitterness. I can forgive mistakes but when the same issue happens over and over again, it is hard for me to forgive. Anyone else? ”

Oh, yes! That’s what my biggest issue is now, letting go of the bitterness when people (all around me) refuse to change. Over the years I have become more tolerant and openminded about people and what they do with their lives, because I believe everyone is their own worst enemy. I am tired of being the one that changes and everyone else gets to stay the same, I guess I am selfish that way. So I feel like I am back at square one, continuing on the road to self improvement all by myself.

As far as marriage is concerned, I believe than woman do most of the changing. It’s often the men that stay stagnant. My husband of 21 years and I are at this point, where we have done so well and have a good marriage, but then comes our midlife ‘crisis’. I have done the changing, and he hasn’t. Maybe it’s me maturing looking towards our future and him trying to hold onto his youth. It’s always the little things, the big obstacles in life seems to fall into place.

It’s the little things that send me over the edge too. I guess because I know those are the easiest things to change, but most seem to refuse to!

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@JATL…you are DEAD ON with commitment and open minded sex life! DEAD……ON!!!!!!!!!

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“extensive counseling with a professional marriage counselor.”

A good friend of mine, who is a psychologist, often jokes that those that want to go to marriage counseling only do so to find out they are the one that is ‘right’ and it’s the other party needs the ‘help’ or to be told they are ‘wrong’. Very few couples get through counseling. Actually, I have known 2 that have met their future spouse in therapy!

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I am always interested in how quickly folks “heal” from a deceased spouse or from a divorce (measured by how quickly they take on by marriage or live-in, another one.) Anyone else interested in this?

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““At church, we had a discussion about having a forgiving spirit or harboring bitterness. I admit that I do harbor bitterness. I can forgive mistakes but when the same issue happens over and over again, it is hard for me to forgive. Anyone else? ”

My suggestion: start praying. I have said it time and again. My Grandmother told me “you have to pray for him.” When my divorce was final. I said something like Grandma lets get your prescriptions checked, I don’t like him, I don’t want to see him, hear him or even think about him and you want me to PRAY about him. She said “Yes.”

So I started praying “Dear God, I hate that SOB but my grandma says I need to pray for him….” Well I have no idea if those prayers ever changed him. I do know they changed ME.

It has taken a number of years but I do feel that I am in a good place. My children have his photo up–even with the new woman in his life–and it effects/affects me as much as a poster of Justin Beiber would…ie I don’t care. I can reflecting back appreciate the good things I learned in the marriage…I am not as uptight as I was then.

Like I said I changed. I find that to be a good thing. I will also be better in my next relationship (and I pray there is one for me) because I took the time to heal from the bitterness.

As to the same mistakes repeatedly….well that depends on the mistakes. If he is repeatedly chasing other woman uh NO. If it is he repeatedly leaves the seat up–YES. Jesus said turn the other cheek, he never said be a doormat.

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@JATL….you’re welcome….let me also emphasize that you’re particulary DEAD ON in your suggestion that men need to step up and do the little things that make a woman feel appreciated for the little things they do. It’s not rocket science to figure out that afternoon at the spa that I send my wife to for the massage, pedi, wax, and cut and color makes her much more open to making a victoria secret stop on the way home to properly showcase the treatments she just received!

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[...] Filter by Dates & Max Items original copy This entry was posted in Articles. Bookmark the permalink. ← Bruins Live Blog: B’s [...]

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still learning….would you say for the handful of folks you know who have gone through it and it didn’t work, that the counseling actually hastened the demise of the marriage?

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Tiger … yes, the marriages were doomed. Either they were looking for confirmation they were right or told they were wrong/need to change and they wouldn’t budge. I actually know a marriage or 2 that might of survived with counseling.

Like I said earlier, I am a firm believer in the fact we are our own worst enemies. Most of us inherently know if we are right or wrong, we just don’t do anything to change it. Our society is increasingly self absorbed, and I think many people have individual psych issues that are not getting resolved. They just keep searching for validation that they right and everyone else is wrong, or move onto someone that will put up with their crap (probably not for long).

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I firmly believe, it you aren’t happy in the marriage, then you need to leave. Even if there are kids involved. I don’t believe in staying in an unhealthy marriage for the sake of the kids. If you are miserable and stay, you make everyone miserable.

Dr. Phil said it best…..”I would rather be healthy alone, than sick in a relationship”.

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meant “cheating on her”

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Will anyone answer this question for me?
Example…if your mail carrier left your mailbox open every day and your mail fell out on the curb…would it not drive you crazy? Would you get bitter at the mail carrier or could you just forgive the problem every day and let it go ? Will someone here please answer me?

I am all about turning the other cheek but self responsibility and being a grown up might help the equation. The toilet seat does not really bother me. Other things do.

Would men be patient with a wife who:

never remembered to put gas in her car
lost her cell phone on a regular basis
forgot to purchase routine items like milk or toilet paper
over spent the budget each month

I am just picking random examples. Sometimes, I feel like women are expected to put up with more from men. Is it just me?

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@ tiger…we have been to counseling…twice. I found it very enlightening and learned some things about myself and my spouse. I would still go but you have to work on the suggestions or the counseling is not effective. Kinda like going to a dietician who prescribes a new diet for your health or weight loss but you never do anything with it…just talking about it is not always going to solve the problem.

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@MJG…”Sometimes, I feel like women are expected to put up with more from men. Is it just me?”

It may not just be you….but from what I can tell you (and other women) expect yourself to put up with more than your husband…and then go into martyr mode when you do.

IMHO…that’s on you…not on a gender in it’s entirety.

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I just wanted to say that I’ve really enjoyed reading the comments on this blog today…my husband and I have been married for six months and, despite the pre-marital counseling and the articles that we read before getting married (so, we thought we had some idea…), we’re definitely learning that marriage takes work and patience and compromise. All of our newlywed friends make it look so easy, but, in reality, I bet that they are dealing with the same issues that we are. In the six months that we’ve been married, we’ve had a couple of fights that I would say are worse than any that we had while we were dating. I read an article shortly after we got married, though, about a study that showed that couples who didn’t fight in their first year of marriage were more likely to be divorced by year three than the couples who did fight. Their explanation was that the couples who fought learned how to manage conflict in an effective and healthy way (which, let’s face it, is inevitible in most relationships!) and the others did not because they avoided it at all costs. Makes sense. So, the way I see it, our marriage is a work in progress…a fantastic and well worth it one. :)

Anyway, enough rambling…just wanted to say how much I appreciate everyone’s insight!

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@ Mrs. G…if you are honest with yourself and your spouse….you will spat! This is why I cannot figure out why my sister tells me they have never fought in 25 years. I disagree with my own sister sometimes and know we would argue if we lived together for 25 years!

@ Tiger….a few weeks ago we were with adults at church and I was requesting prayer for my sister who was having a medical procedure. I mentioned that both of my sisters tend to have various health ailments and that I am the oldest and so far, do not have any ailments. A male friend said
( in the group) Yes, but you have ________ ( my husband’s name) and laughed as did others.

An outsider, we know, looking in at our life….

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“never remembered to put gas in her car
lost her cell phone on a regular basis
forgot to purchase routine items like milk or toilet paper
over spent the budget each month”

The first 3 would be able to be forgiven 70*7 or more. That last one can create a real burden later…so I would have to find away to work it out. One friend and her husband do a his/her/ours/retirement account system. They each agree to set aside “x” for retirement, the put “y” in ours and pay the communal bills–electric, house, etc–then put “z” in their individual accounts. Then if he or she is out of $$$ from their account that is their problem

Another couple I know does it differently. They know she makes 60% of the income and he makes 40%. So they look at the monthly budget and agree she will pay 60% and he will pay 40% anything left over from their pay put in their individual bank accounts. They discuss big purchases/trips etc and agree upfront that they will contribute “x” each to make it happen…that comes from the individual accounts. Again whatever is in “their” account can be spent no questions asked.

My grandparents did it differently. Every night they would pool the receipts of what was spent that day. Didn’t matter if it was hair salon for her or lunch for him at work. Then they split right down the middle…so if $100 was spent total they each needed to contribute $50. They looked at who paid what. She spent $75 and he spent $25 he gave her $25 in cash. PERIOD. No argument nothing. I would not recommend this last way of splitting the bills…but hey they stayed married more than 50 years (she died of cancer).

My parents went a whole different route. Mom controls the checking account–meaning she balances the books & makes sure all the bills get paid from the money in this account. She puts money in savings and it is for “big things” only…that can be a trip, or a new washing machine, or the roof repairs. Dad has knowledge at all times of how much is in the bank…Mom let’s him know how much she is expecting to pay out in bills (accruals).

OOOO gee how did I decide to go into accounting? ;)

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Actually, according to the Catalog of human population the most compatible people or soulmates are those who have their birthday on the exact same date. People with birthday on the same date are completely the same!

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Mjg. Perhaps i just had better role models? My grandparents 50+ my parents and their sibs 40+ each of 5 married couples. The 6th was married 30+ then my uncle died. My cousin 32 years now. My other msrried cousin 25+. My brother and his first wife 10…but then he found her sleeping with anotheman.

Those things u mentioned didn’t end my marriage. Abuse, alcoholism, gambling, and drugs did. Bettet we ended it than I turn bittet and think only personal experience teachels me?

A smart man learns from his mistakes, a wise one learns from

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@tiger..i am a fatalistic kinda person lol

@DB….actually that is more along the lines of what i really say. i was barely awake when i wrote that…what i really write is not so depressing and gloomy lol..really :)

i am a pretty blunt person. i try to keep my mouth shut because i have to tact (as my poor granny used to bemoan)….but i really take the time to be as tactful as i can with what i write on wedding cards lol….

i dont have a lot of faith in marriage because too many people are ready to call it quits at the first sign of dissension. hardly anyone sticks it thru and makes it ok anymore. as far as advice-im with tiger on that one-i will say what i did or didnt do in a certain situation but i wouldnt say it would work for everyone.

theresa your husband was great to step up to the plate for the young man. i hope it helped. at least gave him some new perspective.

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[...] the day. He goes for a haircut, and a young barber who clearly need to talk, he chose my husband. Read More Share and [...]

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@ kate…our birthdates are ONE WEEK apart….does that mean anything?

@ssidawg…I will take considerate!

Thanks FCM…I spent the night with my ( unmarried) sister last night and just got back home. We talked about the comments from yesterday and she reminded me that while folks here have opinions…we all do and no one here has been in my four walls…she has.

Once, I came home from a week trip and the JUMBO pack of toilet paper I typically keep in the garage, was in our front foyer. I asked, “what is this doing here?”
“we got tired of going to the garage for toilet paper and moved it inside.”
“Looks great on the hardwoods and in front of the stained glass door!”

I would have simply put 2 extra rolls in each bathroom but maybe I am the crazy on here!

To me, no one has it all! I am lucky that I have a career I love, 2 great kids, a roof over my head/food to eat/ a car to drive, lots of wonderful friends and yes I am married for 28 years to a kind, hard working man who is a good father to our kids and great neighbor too. He will help anyone who needs help and comes home every day. I should count my blessings.

@ deidre…thanks…the trash can is still on the curb. Trash day was yesterday. I used to nag my husband to get it back in but now I just leave it out there. Sometimes, neighbors remind him too!

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oh—and with the kids not here this week i forgot about the trash can myself this week. I brought it in this morning (Trash was Monday) when I saw it as I was leaving. I was afraid if I left it another day someone might try to break in as if nobody were home.

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I found this on healthy marriage by Erma:

http://seejanesoar.theadventurouswriter.com/5-habits-of-a-healthy-marriage-erma-bombeck/

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